Category: Out of the Ordinary

Still Living In Denial

Out of the Ordinary 82 Comments

(Continued from “Living In Denial”)
Somewhere in the quaint small town of Saratok…

Tau Keh Nio: Darlinggggggggggggg
Tau Keh: Whatttttttttttttttt
Tau Keh Nio: I got something to tell you.
Tau Keh: What is it, my dear?
Tau Keh Nio: I hate you.
Tau Keh: WHAT!? YOU HATE ME? WHY?!
Tau Keh Nio: You damn horrijiber. Mouth say you love me but inside all pretend pretend one.
Tau Keh: Huh? What cock?! I did wrong thing again?
Tau Keh Nio: Still want to act don’t know?! Last time I say want to open luxurious restaurant, you say want to open kedai runcit. Then you gave me this fucking kedai runcit and named it Luxurious Restaurant. You think very funny is it? Niama, I sit here at the counter every day waiting for customer until my cheebye also grow roots liaw.

Tau Keh: Aiya lao puo, don’t like that lah. You know business has been bad lately. Aiii… lai, hug hug?
Tau Keh Nio: Hug your head ah!. See, this wouldn’t even happened if you early early listen to me and open up a restaurant. Gerengtee will make money one! See lah, you and your stubborn kuan. Listen to yourself only don’t wanna listen to me. Now lose money liaw, see who die?
Tau Keh: Sorry lor. But you use your head to think lah. You open up a restaurant in this small town in the middle of a jungle also no use. Who would come? I tell you nobody will come, only monkeys will come.
Tau Keh Nio: Then FINE. I don’t open my restaurant in Saratok ok?! I go big big city ok!? You watch me lah! I open my restaurant in Kualu Lampa then you know!

Tau Keh: HAHAHA! You want to kua whose lampa!? “Kuala Lumpur” also dunno how to pronounce! Please lah you siao ginah, don’t even know how to speak Malay! Don’t later go around kualu lampa and sia soi yourself.
Tau Keh Nio: NABEH, I CAN SPEAK MALAY OK!?
Tau Keh: Sorry but “teh tarik satu” doesn’t count. Bwahahahaahaa!
Tau Keh Nio: HOW DARE YOU LAUGH ME!
Tau Keh: Nolah, I just worried. Later your customer asks for “susu” and you beat him up ‘cos you thought he’s calling you stupid how? Wahahahahahaa!
Tau Keh Nio: I said DON’T LAUGH. Laugh some more!?
Tau Keh: Reminds me that time when you used to work in KFC. One customer asked you for “Ayam Goreng”, and you thought he said “I am Goreng.” Then you said to him “Welcome to KFC, Mr Goreng!” Remember?! WAHAHAHAHAHAA!
Tau Keh Nio: SCREW YOU! I’ve had enough already! I’m leaving this stupid place to set up my own restaurant. That’ll teach you not to laugh at me EVER again. GO AWAY.
Tau Keh: Eh lau puo, where you going?!


Tau Keh: Cheebye wife.

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inoT Toni

Out of the Ordinary 99 Comments

One of the best things about keeping a blog is that you get people from all walks of life commenting on your entries.
Comments are usually good. But every once in a while, somebody leaves a comment on your blog so bizarre, you go “What in the blue hell is this guy thinking?”

Case in point. When I wrote about my visit to Malaysian singer Guang Liang’s showcase in April, I did not expect it to become such a popular entry. Let’s face it, the showcase was boring, the photos I took were boring, and I didn’t even crack any stupid lame jokes in that entry.
Yet, even until today, I still get people who seriously think that I am Guang Liang, foolishly leaving me comments like “i likes u very much, especially ur song Tong Hua.”

Yesterday, something even more bizarre happened. Remember how I went to Toni&Guy in KL and wrote a review about it?
Take a look at what I got in my comment box of that entry.

Dear Sir,
I,Siddhartha Chatterjee age 26 year’s an Indian live in India,unqulified but english is good,doing a small business from last three year’s comeing from a very good family.
Sir,I want to do a hair dressing course from your school because I want to be a hairdresser the reason is, now in India max people go to beautiparlaor’s so its mean hairdresser have a great feture in India,so if I be a hairdresser then I can earn a lot more,so for that I want to do a coaurse for hair dressing from your school.So is it possible without qulification to do this couarse?I am really waiting for your reply soon.
Thanking You
Your’s Faithfully
Siddhartha.

Posted by: siddhartha at October 27, 2005 09:23 PM

WHAT. IN. THE. HELL? First I’m a poofter of a Malaysian singer, and now I’m a BLOODY HAIRDRESSING SALON!? What has the world come to!?
I feel bad for Siddhartha, really. I mean the guy is so professional, polite, nice and all that. I just can’t find it in my heart to tell him the truth, man. Seriously, it would be too cruel for me to simply brush him off, clarifying that I’m not actually Toni&Guy but THAT idiot in the photo getting his hair cut.

So I fired up Microsoft Word and drafted him a reply.

Dear Siddhartha Chatterjee,
I,Kenny Sia age 23 year’s a Chinese live in Kuching. I not Toni&Guy from KL.
Sir, I sorry I cannot teach you hair dressing coaurse from my school because I not hairdresser enaugh to teach you the reason is, I no no qulification.
I is just a normal person with max hair on my body so its mean I have to go to beautiparlaor very often to potong my hair.But never mind cos if you open a salon next time in India, I will ride an elephant to visit you at your beautiparlaor so you cut my hair and you can earn a lot more and have a great feture in India ok.I am really waiting to visit you soon.
Happy Deepavali
I Not Toni,
Kenny Sia.

I’m such an asshole.

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Wrong Mary

Out of the Ordinary 74 Comments

Kenny: *press button for flight attendant*
100_9272
Cute MAS Flight Attendant: “Hi, how may I help you?”
Kenny: “Yeah, can I have a Virgin Mary please? Thanks.”
Cute MAS Flight Attendant: “You want a… Virgin Mary?”
Kenny: “Yes, please.”
Cute MAS Flight Attendant: “You mean a Bloody Mary?”
Kenny: “OH! YA YA YA! BLOODY MARY! My mistake.”
100_9271
Stupid difficult-to-remember cocktail names.

Living In Denial

Favourite Entries Out of the Ordinary 126 Comments

Somewhere in the quaint small town of Saratok…

Tau Keh Nio: Darlinggggggggggggg
Tau Keh: Whatttttttttttttttt
Tau Keh Nio: I got something to tell you.
Tau Keh: What is it, my dear?
Tau Keh Nio: My birthday is coming soon, right?
Tau Keh: Yeahhhh.
Tau Keh Nio: You really really love me a lot, right?
Tau Keh: Yeahhhh.
Tau Keh Nio: That means you should do whatever you can to make me happy, right?
Tau Keh: Errr…. yeahhhh?
Tau Keh Nio: Ok. 🙂 I want to open a restaurant.
Tau Keh: Har?
Tau Keh Nio: Not just any restaurant. I want to open a big big 5-star restaurant.
Tau Keh: Lao puo, what cock you talking?

Tau Keh Nio: I want to open a luxurious restaurant. I want Chow Yun Fatt to do the opening ceremony. And then I want to invite Brad Pitt for dinner, Angelina Jolie as MC, and Gwen Stefani to sing on stage.
Oh ya I also want Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes to have their wedding here. And I want Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher to come here for honeymoon too.

Tau Keh: Siao. What the hell are you smoking, woman? Excuse me miss but we live in Saratok, not New York. We’re 5 hours away from the nearest international airport and most residents here wouldn’t even spend the kind of money to eat in a 1-star restaurant let alone a 5-star one. Who the hell goes to a 5-star restaurant in the middle of nowhere anyway?
Tau Keh Nio: You don’t want to help me achieve my dream is it? 🙁
Tau Keh: No lah. But at least be realistic with your dreams darling? What freaking luxurious restaurant? Please lah. We only have enough money to start a small kedai runcit (convenience shop) ok?
Tau Keh Nio: YOU AND YOUR KEDAI RUNCIT AGAIN! I’m SO sick and tired of hearing your stupid kedai runcit ok!? Everything is always about YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU! What about ME? I married you for 5 years and I gave you everything! See I gave you Ah Boy and Ah Girl, have dinner ready everytime you come home the palm oil estate and ALL YOU CAN THINK OF IS YOURSELF?! I sacrifice a lot for you already ok!? I always think of you first. WHAT ABOUT MY GOALS?
Tau Keh: But a restaurant is really…. aiya lao puo don’t like that. Come here I give you hug hug. Relax relax lah.
Tau Keh Nio: RELAX?! WHAT RELAX?! ONLY MY MASSEUSE CAN TELL ME TO RELAX! YOU SELFISH BASTARD I HATE YOU! SAY YOU LOVE ME BUT NEVER LISTEN TO ME. EVERYTIME ALSO LIKE THAT ONE!!!
Tau Keh: Tsk. Say how many times we only have enough money to start a small convenience shop onlyyyyy.
Tau Keh Nio: I DON’T CARE. I SAY I WANT LUXURIOUS RESTAURANT MEANS I WANT LUXURIOUS RESTAURANT.
Tau Keh: Aiya darling… how can…? Aiii… ok lah ok lah, I give you your restaurant lah. *sigh*



Tau Keh Nio: Cheebye husband.

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Sugar Free, Common Sense Free

Out of the Ordinary 54 Comments

This is Murray “Sugar Free” Chocolate Cookies. It is imported all the way from USA, the land of milk and honey, and the land that brought us weird things like Britney Spears and Michael Jackson. It looks just like any other sugar free chocolate cookies on the market.

Those cookies caught my eye, not because I was hungry. (Errr… remind me to get back to the gym once my project deadlines are over.) It was this little warning message printed on the front of the packaging that drew my attention.

I checked to ensure I was holding a pack of cookies and not a pack of cigarettes before I put it the item onto the shelf. I’ve seen warning messages in bold printed on cigarette boxes before but hell, I sure never seen them printed on a pack of COOKIES!
I could see why they do it though. Products like these are made to fool fat people health-conscious individuals like me into parting with our hard-earned cash just so we enjoy eating ‘normal’ food without the guilt.

Nowadays its just too damn difficult to go on diet even with ‘healthy’ products like these on the market. There’s not a lot of things you can eat. Sugar Free doesn’t mean Fat Free; Fat Free doesn’t mean Carb Free; Carb Free usually means they taste like a pile of waxy dog crap; and the only thing that’s Sugar Free, Fat Free AND Carb Free is like, water.
Weight-loss is such a big money business in a lot of countries and people are buying these products expecting them to work miracles. Trust Big Brother to step in and give these so-called “healthy” food the cigarette box treatment.

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World Toilet College

Favourite Entries Out of the Ordinary 218 Comments

I’m not sure how many people read this article from ChannelNewsAsia.com. Trust me, I tried to keep a straight face reading it, but I failed miserably.

I thought I’ve seen everything, but a toilet college!? Incredulous!
Heck, I didn’t know there’s even a World Toilet Organisation based in Singapore until I read that article. But make no mistake about it, funny as it is, the World Toilet Organisation (WTO) is a legitimate organisation that aims to promote hygiene and sanitation in public toilets. They even got their own website at worldtoilet.org!
I clicked on their website and saw this.
20050904-2.gif

What a pun!

EARLY BIRD DISCOUNT! My Big Bird laughed so hard it fell off. Almost.
Anyway, you gotta pity the World Trade Organisation for sharing the three-letter acronym as the World Toilet Organisation. Imagine what the families of their employees are gonna have to put up with.

Mrs Lim: “Ehhhh… hello Mrs Yee! How are you doing today?”
Mrs Yee: “I’m fine! How’s your husband har? He found a job already or not?”
Mrs Lim: “Yah! He’s now working for the WTO!”
Mrs Yee: “Wah! WTO! World Trade Organisation ah?!”
Mrs Lim: “No lah… World Toilet Organisation. :(”

Aerial view of the World Toilet Organisation (WTO) Headquarters in the heart of Singapore’s CBD.

I think there’s gonna be weirder conversations when the World Toilet College (WTC) gets up and running.

Jimmy: “Hi guys!”
David: “Eh Jimmy, long time no see!”
Ah Leong: “Yah man, I heard you went to Australia. What you studying there, man?”
Jimmy: “I’m at Melbourne University. Majoring in Computer Engineering.”
David: “I’m doing my Bachelor of Laws at NUS right now. Majoring in Property Law.”
Ah Leong: “WAH!”
Jimmy: “Where you studying now, Ah Leong?”
Ah Leong: “Oh… I’m studying at World Toilet College. Majoring in Advanced Shit Management.”

I think things are gonna get real interesting.
Well, there is a lot of speculation what the World Toilet College is gonna be like, but nobody seem to have any specific details. No one knows who the lecturers are, what the facilities are like, and so on.
Now, thanks to very reliable inside sources (ok lah, it was just the cleaning lady at my office), I managed to get my hot little hands on some never-before-seen, exclusive, top-secret photos from inside the World Toilet College.
Remember, you’ve seen it first on kennysia.com. 😉
Here’s what the inside of their world-class state-of-the-art lecture theatre looks like.

Students are invited to sit on toilet bowls during classes.

The graduation ceremony.

The graduation regalia includes wearing a toilet seat around your neck, and instead of wearing a mortarboard, you wear a “tam pui” (kid’s potty) on your head.

To save on costs, the certificates are printed on toilet paper in “special brown” colour.

Mr Lau Sai King’s parents are gonna be so proud of their son.

I’m sure enrolment numbers will jump wildly as soon as the World Toilet College begins operation.

The Most Patriotic Malaysian Car Ever

Out of the Ordinary 56 Comments

Here’s a guy that deserves a place in the Malaysia’s Book of Records.

This is the kind of car that would make the my balls swell to three times their original size. Seriously, how could ANY Malaysian NOT be proud of a car like this?
I bet the car stereo is playing Negaraku when he’s driving.

The guy’s got so many flags on his car that if he ever gets killed in a car crash, the country is gonna give him a Hero’s burial.
Man, I’m proud to be Malaysian. I shall go tattoo the Malaysian flag on my back right now.

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I Wonder What They’re Suggesting

Out of the Ordinary 26 Comments

The Urban Wire is Singapore Ngee Ann Polytechnic’s online newsmagazine.
20050815-0.jpg

Photo from luvphobia.blogspot.com
I was interviewed by them during the blogger convention and they’ve published their story here. Do check it out. There’s a very horrijible photo of me over there.
Speaking of which, can someone be kind enough send me a scan of my interview in KLue magazine? I’ll be eternally grateful. 🙂
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Spotted outside a shop at the Crown Square shopping centre.

Any girls out there like to try some of these… pussie accessories?
Anyone?

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