Michael Learns To Rock Concert CANCELLED

SHAH ALAM: Authorities have confirmed today that the Michael Learns To Rock concert originally scheduled for next month has been cancelled due to ongoing protests from PAS Youth leaders.

Michael Learns to Rock

PAS Youth has insisted that it is disrespectful for the sentimental rock band to hold a concert during the holy month. They were never taken seriously.

But due to the events of recent days, it is understood that authorities have decided to play it safe and bow down to the youth group’s demand. It is believed that this is to prevent anyone else from chopping off the heads of people named ‘Michael’ then carrying it around as a form of protest.


“With this decision today, we wish to assure all Michaels in Malaysia that it is finally safe to come out to play.” informed Information Minister/Hip Hop Star, Rais Rais Yatim.

However, it is understood that those who had already purchased tickets to the concert will not be refunded. Instead, ticketholders will be treated to a similar, but more sensitive local rock band, called PAS Youth Learns To Talk.

Michael Learns to Rock-2

According to PAS Youth Learns To Talk lead singer Michael Ahmad, the group will be opening the concert with their hit single, That’s Why (We Make) You Go Away, followed by their number one hit in Shah Alam Top 40 Charts last week, Twenty-Five Protests Too Late.

When asked if the group is trying to rip off songs from Michael Learns To Rock, guitarist Michael Yusuf clarified, “No lah. All we’re trying to do here is make the song more acceptable. Why listen to songs like Take Me To Your Heart lah? So emo! We wanna make our concert more happy! More spiritually positive! That’s why we wrote our number one hit song, Take Me To The Ramadhan Buffet.


The press conference ended with a gotong-royong and a live performance of their hit song, Paint My Mosque.

(Just kidding. The concert is not cancelled. And PAS Youth is just a lobby group, not a religion.)

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ADV: Elecoldxhot

This is a picture of a guy trying to mop the floor with his hair.



That was actually one of the contestants from the recent F&N Freestylz Show Ur Moves street dance competition. He’s from the Johorian dance crew Move, who absolutely entertained the crowd and ended up winning second place at the Grand Finals.

It’s ridiculous watching these guys dance. It’s like these people have absolutely no idea of the meaning of the word ‘gravity’.


For third place winner Wakaka Crew, it’s like gravity never even existed. Throughout the entire dance routine, they spent more time spinning on their heads than they did walking on their feet.

I’m pretty sure if one day they don’t feel like using their feet, they can still lead a normal life going everywhere by spinning on their heads. Can you imagine them like, going to the supermarket upside down? That would totally freak people out.

Sometimes I just wish I could learn some of these move from Most Outstanding Performer winner, Muhamad Haslam.


Seriously, this move would come in handy if one day I lost my car keys underneath the sofa.

Anyway, last time when I watched Britain’s Got Talent on Youtube, I thought Flawless was one of the best dance crews in the world. Those guys did well because they move together so fluidly and in sync. At that point, I thought it would be impossible for anyone out there to replicate their style.

I was wrong.


Quite simply, Elecoldxhot is one of the most amazing dance crews I have ever witnessed locally.

They are a group of five 20-somethings who hooked up three years ago. But last week, they emerged champions after beating 103 dance crews from all over the country. With that, the five boys took home a cool cash prize of RM10,000 and a trip to Korea to train with Gamblerz Crew, Asia’s best B-Boyz team.


Despite not being able to pronounce their name, I think Elecoldxhot totally deserved the grand prize. By no means was the competition a walkover for them. One of the team members, Ooi Kok Wei told me they spent many hours practising for this grand final, and even had to scramble for a last minute replacement when one of their original members was badly hospitalized.

Competition was intensely stiff and when I watched the Grand Finale, it was obvious that every single one of the finalists put in a lot of effort in coordinating their dance routines.

Wakaka Crew demonstrated death-defying moves.


N Crew impressed the judges with their funky wardrobe to claim Best Dressed.


Others, like Project Elementz, turned their dance routine into a full-fledged theatrical show.


Deservingly, those guys won the award for Most Entertaining Crew.

Then there were those who were happy just making silly faces at the judges.


Of course, those guys didn’t win anything.

In the end, it came down to style, creativity, originality and coordination. And it’s obvious that only Elecoldxhot had the total package.

Just look at how well-coordinated and in-sync these boys were.

It’s almost like he put himself through a photostat machine and made multiple copies of himself!

One thing for sure, all the dancers that night were energetic and mindblowingly captivating.

So captivating that this uncle can’t help but to sit very close to the stage


Too bad he to had to stuff tissues down his ears to prevent the loudspeakers from pulverizing his eardrums.

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‘Cheers!’ In Different Languages

A Mongolian, a Chinese, a Thai, a Singaporean and a Malaysian (that’s me) walked into a bar in Copenhagen.


After a round of Tiger, the Mongolian, keen to make friends though limited in his English, asked everyone to raise their beer bottles.

Mongolian: Ok everyone, CHEERS!
Everyone: Cheers!
Mongolian: In Mongolia, we say ‘tu loh!’ Ok everyone, say TU LOH!!!
Everyone: Tu loh!


Then the Mongolian turned to the Thai.

Mongolian: How you say ‘cheers’ in Thailand?
Thai: In Thailand, we say ‘chai yo!’
Mongolian: Ok everyone, CHAI YO!!!
Everyone: Chai yo!!!

And then the Mongolian turned to the Chinese.

Mongolian: How you say ‘cheers’ in China?
Chinese: In China, we say ‘gan bei!’
Mongolian: Ok everyone, GAN BEI!!!
Everyone: Gan bei!!!


The Mongolian turned to me.

Mongolian: How you say ‘cheers’ in Malaysia?
Kenny: In Malaysia, we say ‘yyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaammm seng!’

At this point, the Mongolian was probably thinking what the hell? Poor Malaysians. By the time they finished shouting, their beer would have turned cold already.



Finally, the Mongolian turned to the Singaporean.

Mongolian: How you say ‘cheers’ in Singapore?
Singapore: Same! Same as Malaysia.

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Tiger Translate Copenhagen: Work In Progress

Today is the third and final day of collaboration for Tiger Translate Copenhagen.


I’m updating this blog right now surrounded by 12 hardworking Danish, Chinese, Thai, Mongolian and Singaporean artists.

It’s like a United Nations meeting of artists here. All of them are putting their finishing touches on their respective artworks in time for the exhibition tomorrow.


The theme adopted for the Tiger Translate arts exhibition is “Change”. The idea is to present the artist’s interpretation of ongoing evolution of the world around us.

The Danish and Asian artists have been collaborating, and the past two days have been nothing short of interesting, even for those in our group who knew diddly-squat about art.


Song Yang, a comic artist from Beijing has been collaborating with Frederick “Clean” Dahl, a professional graffiti artist from Denmark. Instead of papers or brick walls, the duo was given a red rubbish bin to draw on.


Although they had only just met two days ago for the first time, the chemistry between the two is fantastic.

Song Yang started out sketching some very Chinese wushu comic book-style clouds and pagodas, and Frederick filled in the blanks with his own brand of Western-style graffiti.


Song Yang is also working alongside illustrators Miss Lotion from Denmark, Hrvrk from Denmark and Antz from Singapore on the 8-metre-long “Pass It On” wall.


The arts exhibition tomorrow isn’t just gonna be limited to those who knows how to use the paint brush. Rom Khampanya, an architecture student from Thailand came up with a multimedia art piece so incredibly unique that very few people seen it before.

To illustrate his interpretation of the theme “Change”, Rom created a series of “Before” and “After” pictures of different cities around the world.


This is the aerial shot of the Victory Monument in Bangkok as it is today.


This is what Rom thinks it would look like in the future – global warming causing the fall of civilization, trees growing out of buildings, massive flooding on the streets and the aerial shot of the Victory Monument looking as if it is crying.

What makes Rom’s artwork so special is that he’s not just gonna simply present them as a series of photos. That’d be boring.


Instead, he lets his audience holds a Nintendo Wii remote so that when they wave the remote over the “before” picture like a brush, it reveals the “after” shot stroke by stroke.


Le Fix is a group of Danish artists working together to build a physical art piece. At first I was wondering why they come to a studio carrying a pile of junk.

Then I was wondering how come they are building a house in the middle of the studio. Guess I’ll have to wait until tomorrow to find out that they’re trying to show us.

Hopefully it’s not a sign that they plan on living inside the studio.


The Mongolian artists are always the ones creating the most hype at Tiger Translate events, and it’s no exception for Copenhagen.


Sidsel Tuxen from Denmark and Bekheedei Bilguudei from Mongolia are both computer graphic artists who are collaborating to create an animated sand clock, using alphabets from various languages around the world as sand.


But the East-meets-West collaboration I am most looking forward this Tiger Translate is the one between Mongolian painter Ulziibadrakh Sonomtseveen and Danish photographer Liv Carlé Mortensen. And let me tell you why.


Ulzii speaks very limited English so the two are unable to communicate at length. But according to Liv, “you don’t need to speak the same language to communicate in art.”

On the first day of them meeting, the two of them showed each other their portfolio. Ulzii’s paintings are mostly mild but creative. But Liv’s portfolio on the other hand can only be described as intense and controversial.

One of the pictures she took was of her and her old mother standing in front of a car – fully naked.


Coming from a conservative Mongolian background, Ulzii was obviously shocked. But then, she popped him the question: Can she photograph him, nude?

He agreed.

The next day, the Danish photographer took the Mongolian painter to her church, met her priest and she photographed the both of them, lying in the middle of the graveyard – fully naked.

This East-meets-West thing is getting interesting. And I can only imagine what the end result of their finishing piece would look like tomorrow.


Would you ever pose nude in the name of art?

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Prelude To Tiger Translate Copenhagen

I am writing this entry in my hotel room at Copenhagen, Denmark.


My “secret project” (which is not so secret anymore if you subscribed to my Twitter updates) has been taking such a toll on me that my head has expanded into the size of China. As the deadline to my project looms closer, I foresee many more sleepless nights and restless weekends ahead.

This workaholic streak in me is gonna continue at least for the next few months. But before I resume this marathon rush to the finishing line, I decided to take a week’s break away from the office, just to clear my head and keep myself happy by doing something I enjoy.

And there are not many things I enjoy more than travel, culture, arts, and beer. Put them all together, and we’ve got Tiger Translate.


This is one of the most unique arts events I have ever witnessed.

To put it simply, it’s an initiative by Tiger Beer where they bring in a bunch of young upstart Asian artists into an angmoh country, lock them up inside a room, call in a bunch of more established Western artists to join them, then give them an empty canvas to draw on and see what kinda funky stuff they come up with.

It is East-meets-West cultural exchange done artistically live, often times with creative, wild and unpredictable results.


Last year during the event in London, they painted the classic black London cab into a kickass Tiger machine.

More recently, they begun selling limited edition Tiger Beer bottles that come with special artistically-designed packaging, and these are all done by talents they discovered through Tiger Translate.


The theme for this year is ‘Change’. Five emerging artists from Asia they’re flying over include illustrators from Singapore and Mongolia, a multimedia designer from Thailand, a cartoonist from China, and a graphic designer also from Mongolia.

Together, they will be collaborating with Denmark’s top professional artists in illustration, graffiti arts and photography.

Denmark is a great location for this because it is home to some of the most creative and artistically-gifted people in the world. One of Copenhagen’s favourite sons wrote that famous childhood fairy story that was eventually picked up by Disney and made into a movie – The Little Mermaid.

Who knows what’s gonna happen, when you put a bit of Asian in Copenhagen?





Let’s hope they come up with better artwork than this.

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ADV: Duty Of A Child

Recently, a not-so-close-friend of mine called me up out of the blue.


This friend of mine, I don’t hang out with on a regular basis. In fact, I don’t know him very well at all. All I know is that he’s around my age, drives around in a luxury car and claims to draw a handsome 5-figure monthly income. I also know he’s somewhat of a self-made entrepreneur, having come from a poor humble background and built his own business entirely from ground up.

But the fact remains that we’re not that close friends, so when he called me up after not seeing me for about 12 months, I knew it wasn’t an invitation to go out for a beer.


He said to me, “Kenny, I need a favour from you.”

Sure man, what can I do for you?”

I’d like to borrow some money from you, if possible.”

Well, how much are you talking about?”


“WHAT!!?!?!” I literally jumped up from my chair in shock. “What the heck you need that much money for?”


Apparently, this friend of mine had borrowed some money from his friendly neighbourhood Ah Long. And now, because he couldn’t pay, he found himself in trouble with the loan sharks.

I probed him further for answers. He revealed the real reason he needed money urgently was because his mother was hospitalised.

His father, like mine, was no longer around. Being the eldest and the only working child in the family, it was up to him to fork out the cash needed to pay for her medical expenses. When his mother was first hospitalised, his savings dwindled down to zero. He was broke by the time she needed to be re-admitted into hospital. So he approached the easiest people to get a loan from – the sharks.

Eventually, I helped him out. (Not the full amount lah of course.) He was infinitely grateful for that.

To be fair, he has been nice to me despite the limited time I knew him. Part of me scorned at his stupidity approaching Ah Longs for an instant loan, knowing full well all those warnings from the likes of Jack Neo’s movies. Another part of me felt a sense of respect towards him, because he was only fulfilling his filial duty as a child.

And then it got me thinking, what would I do if I were in his situation.


I maybe 27 this year, but I’ve lived long enough to know that life ain’t just gonna throw you sweet roses all the time. I lost my dad 4 years ago. I came face-to-face with this cruel fact of life: that no matter how strong and healthy your parents might seem like right now, eventually they are gonna grow old, eventually they might fall sick.

When that happens, it is up to us to fulfil our responsibility as their child to pay any edical bills that they may incur. There are no two ways around.


This friend of mine, he spent so much time building up his business that he hadn’t the foresight to think about what to do if someone in the family were struck down with a life-threatening illness.

None of his family members has medical insurance. When emergency struck and huge medical bills were needed to be paid, he panicked. He had to sell his car, borrow money from Ah Longs, even swallow his pride and borrow money from not-so-close friends of his.


It could have been worse.

Being the only working child in the family, he himself could have be struck down by illnesses. And if he’s not able to work, who’s gonna take care of his old mother and young siblings?

I’ve known since a long time ago that a life insurance policy is one of those things that every responsible working adult out there must possess. Not just for myself, but also for the benefit of my family. Sure, I am healthy and kicking right now. But who knows what’s gonna happen down the road?

Being insured means I pass on any financial risk I might face to a third party.


If you already have an insurance agent you deal with, go ahead ask their advice for something that suits you and your family. If not, PRUHealth from Prudential is something worth looking at. The policy is pretty comprehensive, covering most of my hospital bills even if I had to be hospitalised overseas, and pays me back a no claim bonus if I stay healthy.

Everyone in my family has a life insurance policy. We all start young because the cost of insurance increases with age.


If one day I ever found myself in the unfortunate situation like my friend’s mom, at least I know my family won’t be selling off the house or the car to pay for my medical bills.

Knowing that fact gives me a peace of mind. It gives them the peace of mind. Better to pay now when I’m healthy, then pay later when it’s gonna be a hundred times more expensive.

Sure, it’s a bit potong steam when I’m paying Prudential every month and all I’m getting is a piece of paper. The fact is, I won’t know the value of that piece of paper until I’m in trouble.

To put it bluntly, in life, shit happens.


And when that happens, it’s better have that elusive piece of paper ready to wipe it off. 😉

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In-Car Shopping

Question: What is one thing Kuala Lumpur, Bangkok and Jakarta have in common?


Answer: They are all big, noisy, smoky and the traffic is a real bitch.

However, I did notice one thing special about Jakarta that other places don’t. It is perhaps the only place I know of in this part of the world, where people take advantage of the ridiculous traffic jams on the road, and turn it into a profit-making opportunity.

Everyone’s heard of in-flight shopping.


In Jakarta, you can do in-car shopping.

Traffic in the Indonesian capital is so bad that during peak hours, it could take up to 30 minutes just to travel a short 2km journey. And the Jakarta people are wise enough to take advantage of that. Often times, there will be throngs of people standing by the roadside and as soon as the vehicles to stop, these people pounce on them selling all sorts of mumbo jumbo that they’re carrying.


Travelling from North to South Jakarta, I was approached by so many of these roadside peddlers that if I were to buy just ONE item from each of them, I could open up a 7-Eleven store by the time I get off my cab.

Seriously, these people sell all sorts of things.


From books…


To tiny Indonesian flags…


To toy helicopters…


To peanuts…


To porno…

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How I Celebrated ASEAN Day

Last Saturday must have been one of the craziest Saturdays I’ve had in a while.


Surprisingly, it didn’t even involve a single drip alcohol.

Few people may know about this, but 42 years ago Malaysia, Singapore, Indonesia, Philippines and Thailand got together and said, “Yo man, whassup? We be startin’ a GANG yo!”

And thus ASEAN was born.


From that day onwards, every 8th August was designated ASEAN Day.

The head honcho of ASEAN is this Thai guy named Dr Surin.


He’s that important-looking one in the middle.

This year, he decided to take the ASEAN Day celebrations to new heights. He meant that literally.

Dr Surin wanted to take his team of diplomats to visit several capital cities on ASEAN Day, so he enlisted the help of Tony Fernandes, who gave him this fully sick blinged up ride for a day.


Diplomats appear in the news all the time, but I always wondered what they actually do. Apart from acting important and diplomatic all the time.

Lucky I was invited to the ASEAN Day celebration as a guest of AirAsia.


Because I got my own cabin crew for a day. Hot damn.

Wish I could have them everyday.

From then on, I followed Dr Surin and had a glimpse into his life as a diplomat.


I flew into Jakarta from Kuching the night before, and the group of us started our celebrations very early in the morning at the ASEAN headquarters.

The flag was raised and the song was sung. Immediately, we were scooted off to the airport where our chartered flight was already waiting for us.


It was the first time I’ve ever crossed the immigration counter using the express lane reserved for diplomats. Makes me feel important. Makes me feel bad also for ‘cos I’m not a very diplomatic person.

From Jakarta, our flight scooted off to Kuala Lumpur, where the AirAsia boss was on hand to welcome us.


This is a photo of me and a very distracted Tony Fernandes.


He was probably laughing at someone telling a stupid MAS joke.

It was awesome meeting Tony Fernandes again though. We talked about the airport situation, and I also told him about my ‘secret project’. He was very supportive of it, even invited me over to the AirAsia Academy to see how they do it.


Our former deputy prime minister (no, not Anwar. The other one) was nice enough to receive us at the airport.

This is Tony playing his toy with Tun Musa Hitam.


Tony Fernandes: “Wheeeee eeekk ekk chkkkk chkkk TRANSFORMERS!”
Musa Hitam: “Piang piang piang! You lose! HEE HEE HEE!”

After lunch at the LCCT, we hopped on the plane once again.

This time, we’re off to Bangkok to visit someone very very VERY important. Someone so important that we had to travel to meet him in this Ah Beng zhng-ed up bus.


Dun pway pway ok got green light somemore.

So who’s this very important person that we’re meeting in Bangkok?

The Prime Minister of Thailand.


Yes, yes, I KNOW what you girls thinking. All the females at my table were thinking the same thing as well.

Calm down lah. I know he’s young and good-looking and all that. But he’s the freaking Prime Minister of Thailand ok? Not some MTV VJ.

Please behave yourselves.


Even I have to admit the Thai Prime Minister is so damn cool. Looking at him, I wonder why my own country’s Prime Minister cannot be as cool.

Off the top of my head, here are three reasons why the Thai PM Abhisit is cooler than our Malaysian PM Najib.

1. Abhisit sounds like Absinthe. Najib sounds like Nazi.
2. Abhisit has no gray hair. Najib has totally no hair.
3. Abhisit led angry people to protest and overthrow his previous government. Najib overthrew Perak and made people so angry they protested.

It was only appropriate that he received a portrait of himself in honour of his participation in ASEAN Day.


Check out that portrait of him posing so yau-yeng.

I wonder where he’s gonna hang it. If it were me, I’ll put it up in my bathroom so that every morning when I wake up, I can go, “Yo Abhisit. You looking too daaaaamn good, man!”


Throughout this whole entire journey, I realised one thing about being a diplomat.

As a diplomat, you must be able to eat lot. And I do mean A LOT.

My entire journey, they’ve just been feeding us like crazy. We had breakfast in Jakarta, lunch in KL, dinner in Bangkok.

It started at our hotel in Jakarta, where I had a full Indonesian breakfast. I thought we might have a long day ahead, so silly me whent and stuffed my face at the buffet tables.


Big mistake.

Barely ten minutes later, we were at the ASEAN Headquarters. God forbid diplomats get thirsty. More ‘refreshments’ were served.

When we took it to the skies, AirAsia thought those diplomats might get hungry during the 2 hour flight.


Solution: Free in-flight food for everyone!

We touched down at the LCCT airport in KL.

What did we saw? A whole suite of Malaysian food sitting there waiting for us.


Straight after lunch, we got back in the plane. This time, to Bangkok.

Tony Fernandes was afraid we might hungry, so he ordered the crew to bring out more food.



By this time, we were so bloody freaking full that we couldn’t even walk. When we landed, we had to ROLL ourselves out of the plane to meet the Thai Prime Minister.

Of course, as PM of the country, he ain’t gonna let his guests go back hungry. So?


Plates after plates of prawns! And fish! And dessert!


Instead of three meals a day, we got seven.

Life sure is good being foreign diplomat.

To top it off, the final dish was a piece of dark chocolate with gold leaf on top.


Damn. At the rate this is going, ASEAN should be renamed Association of Super EAting Nutcases.

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ADV: Heinechicken

By now, everyone must’ve seen the Heineken Walk-In Fridge ad that’s been playing everywhere.

Whether you’re a guy or girl watching this, you gotta admit that it’s definitely one of the funnier and most successful TV ads ever created.

But guess what I found out?

Apparently, it wasn’t the first Heineken ad that poked fun at the social differences between guys and girls.

Heineken beer existed since 1873, which was way before refrigerators was even invented. And I found out that in one of its earliest ads, the beer also joked about the differences between guys and girls, albeit in a slightly different way…

Ya, dunno why that guy in the 1873 ad looked familiar.

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Frontera’s Chilli Wings Challenge

Which of the following men do you think has the biggest pair of testicles?

Is it A) Deepak Gill, from KL, alcohol blogger at thirstyblogger.my

B) KY Teoh, from Penang, food blogger at kyspeaks.com

Or C) Kenny Gonzales, from El Kuching, Mexico.

We heard Frontera Bar & Grill at Jaya One in PJ has the hottest chilli buffalo wings in the whole of Malaysia. So one Sunday evening, with nothing else better to do, the three of us decided to hop over to taste for ourselves just how hot these babies are.

Frontera prides itself in serving authentic Tex-Mex food. It’s as authentic as you can get since the owner Larry is a Texan himself and he imports all the crucial ingredients for his menu directly from the States.


Our original intention is to jump straight into the Chilli Buffalo Wings challenge as soon as we arrived at the restaurant. And the challenge is this:

Three men. One plate of the hottest spiciest buffalo wings in Malaysia. NO WATER.

Whoever reaches for the water is out. Last man standing wins.

Thankfully, sensibility prevails and we decided to taste some of the good food here first before sending our tastebuds to Hell (and possibly never getting them back.)

Based on the owner’s recommendation, we got a few of the must-try items at Frontera on our table.

To start with: some lubricant.

A bottle of the finest pure tequila, direct from Mexico.

I’m not a big tequila drinker, so I cannot tell the difference between good tequila, bad tequila and Tila Tequila.

But according to the almighty ThirstyBlogger, this is good stuff, because it is made from 100% native Mexican plant of agave. Cheap tequilas sold elsewhere are mostly mixed with other crap, like the bartender’s piss, which is why they normally serve it with lime and salt to mask the taste.

Indeed, we don’t need lime or salt when we drink pure agave tequila. It is extremely smooth and easy to drink. And with our throats well-lubricated, it’s time to eat.

For appetizers, it’s Frontera’s Nachos – baked tortilla chips, melted cheese and a slice of jalapeno on top. Dip it with the sour cream in the middle, and I’m in heaven.

No doubt this is my favourite dish. So well-presented and tastes so good. Definitely worth coming back for more.

Next up, Chilli Cheese Burger.

Now I know it may not look like much from the photo, but this ain’t your roadside Ramlee burgers. This burger comes with one large beef patty with so much cheese and chilli con carne that as soon as you puts in your mouth, it ejaculates juices of satisfaction.

We tried other items on the menu like the burritos, the taquitos, the enchiladas and the chimichagas, Maybe because I was already too damn full eating all the nachos earlier, but I was unable to appreciate any more Mexican in me. Must return to try next time with an empty stomach.

Now, onto the Chilli Buffalo Wings challenge between myself, Deepak and KY.

Normally when you order spicy chicken from say, Nando’s, they give you the option of Mild, Hot or Super Hot. Over at Frontera, there is one more option: KILLER.

So I took a bite. KY took a bite. Deepak took a bite.

30 seconds passed. Nothing happened. I was laughing.

I thought to myself, this is too ea… hang-on-a-minute.



I got tears flowing out of my eyes, snot coming out of my nose, water out of my mouth and every other body orifices. It was intense. For the next few minutes, it was like someone napalm bombed my entire face. It was like Hiroshima and Nagasaki all over again inside my mouth.

As I conceded defeat by extinguishing my throat with a glass of ice cold water, I lo
oked up to see how my other two competitors were doing.

Surprisingly, Deep and KY were holding on fine. Determined to prove their testicular fortitude, neither of them conceded defeat. I don’t know how they did it because I was already half dead. Maybe their tongues had already been burnt to oblivion. Props to them both for surviving the hottest chilli wings in Malaysia without drinking a drip of water.

We decided it was no fun if we leave Frontera without determining a clear winner after that round, so we asked the waiter if there’s anything hotter than what we just had.

There is.

Behold, the Mexican habanero chilli.

It’s one of the hottest chilli species in the world. So hot, it makes the Malaysian chilli padi tastes like Mentos candy in comparison.

If there’s one thing that can set men apart from boys, this is it.

This devil is so terrifyingly hot, even the owner Larry needed much coaxing and convincing before he dared to down his own spice.

There was much hesitation initially. However, boys being boys, the need to prove our manhood overtook our common senses. Before long, each of us were taunting one another, “BE A MAN. DO THE RIGHT THING!”

We cut one habanero chilli into four slices, and four of us idiots downed them all at the same time.

In the words of Arnold, hasta la vista, baby.

This time, not even the best among us can stand the heat.

No words are necessary. Deepak’s face said it all.


“Holy shit muthafuc…!!!”

KY looked like he was giving birth.

If he did, I wouldn’t be surprised if a baby chilli came out of his ass. It was THAT bad.

I tried the bloody thing, and lemme tell ya, it was extreme excruciating pain.

My face was numb. I was dripping sweat all over and quickly losing all senses. Everything around me was a blur. I barely remembered walking round and round the restaurant wondering if I could make it back to Kuching Mexico alive.

For the next three minutes, we were squirming, moaning, swearing and breathing heavily. Other customers at the restaurant could’ve easily mistaken us for having a four-men gay orgy.

Everything was getting real ugly real fast.

I saw Larry drank water. Immediately, I gave up and gulped down another glass of water for myself.

KY hadn’t had a drink yet but he wasn’t looking too good either. A few minutes later, we saw him hurling his stomach contents into the sink. I couldn’t hold it myself and promptly followed suit.

The Frontera staff has to don them rubber gloves to clear our mess up.

With myself, Larry and KY literally going down in flames, there was only one last man standing.

Deepak Gill. He da man!

It was a night of chaos and madness. But like any good story, ours didn’t stop there.

Because each of us held the slices of habanero chilli with our fingers earlier, everything we touched after that stung and hurt like a bitch. It was almost like a perverse version of the Midas touch. Instead of turning into gold, everything we touched BURNS.

I rubbed my eyes with my hand, it burns.

I wiped the sweat off my face, it burns.

And then I made a mistake in the toilet when I took my manhood out with my hand to pee. Yes, IT FREAKING BURNS.

The worst part was yet to come.

Next morning as I sat in the loo emptying last night’s dinner out my ass, guess what?

Last night’s habanero’s chili, I was tasting it from my a-hole.

For once in my life, I can proudly say – Yes, I have a burning hot ass!

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