The kennysia.com Detox Plan

There’s this bad habit I have that I’m trying very hard to shake off.

I know I have a weight issue. The only thing more painful about my performance on Deal Or No Deal, is watching my ownself on TV with love handles all spilled out from the side of my pants.
I cringed everytime I see myself on TV. Whoever said “being on TV adds ten pounds on you” is a bloody liar because it’s not ten pounds, mate. It’s A GAZILLION POUNDS.

It’s not like I have problems losing weight either. I know I can lose weight. After strict dieting and training for the Penang Bridge marathon last year, almost 5kg of disgusting fat melted right off my waist. At 80kg, I was feeling good about myself.
But the trouble I have is keeping that WEIGHT OFF.

Exercising regularly is no problems for me. What I am guilty of is bad dieting.
Living in a place like Kuching where all the delicious, yummy, fat, oily food are all just a minute and 5 bucks away, eating a good healthy meal is the most difficult part of my weight loss plan.
Try going into any foodcourt in Kuching and ask for something that is not meat, not rice, not noodles, not fried and not oily. I guarantee they’ll look back at you weird like your zipper is undone.

The bad habit I have is this.
Because it’s so hard not to give in to the temptations of Kuching food, I sometimes practise The Cancellation Methodรขโ€žยข of dieting. What that means is that I reward myself with food based on how hard I worked out.
Ran 30 minutes at Reservoir Park? Have a bowl of laksa.
Spent an hour in the gym? Reward yourself some fried chicken wings.
Did 42km at the Penang Marathon? Go eat the whole freakin’ Expert Food Court!

Needless to say, I gained back all the weight I lost. AND THEN SOME.
To make matters worse, it seems like I had a bit too much “joy to the world” and yuletide over last Christmas. I stepped on the scales this morning.
To my horror, this is what I saw.

Holy mother of… 88.5KG!??!
How did I gained 8.5kg so suddenly?
What the hell did I eat over Christmas? SANTA CLAUS?!

This does not bode well for me. We’re filming Malaysian Dreamgirl in two weeks, and I’d hate to look like an elephant sitting next to Elaine Daly.
Because of this and other undisclosed reasons (hint: trouble fitting into my pants), I hereby announce that as the first act of my belated Chinese new year’s resolution, I, Kenny Sia, will be embarking on a detox diet.
This is what it’s gonna entail:
– 5 days non-stop detoxing
– cup of detox tea every morning
– only fresh organic fruits and vegies for meals after that
– eat only when hunger sets in, none at other times
– no meat, no rice, no oil, no bread, no alcohol, no coffee
– of course, drink BUCKET LOADS of water

Detox is a good part to any weight loss plan. The purpose of detox is to allow the toxins in the body to be cleansed off thoroughly. Cleaner intenstines means better absorption of nutrients, and hopefully that translates to a healthier body.
I really should be doing this more often, to “clean the pipes” so to speak. I have a feeling the “passageways are blocked” and the garbage ain’t getting out the system as often as I like them to.
Besides, I’ve been partying too much and eating quite unhealthily as of late. My pimples are already breaking out like mad, so it definitely looks like I’m in desperate need of a detoxification.

To make it work better, I’m gonna be taking this detox tea called TruDtox.
There are heaps of detox supplements out there and a lot of them are quite expensive. Thankfully this one is quite alright, costing just RM27 for a 5-day plan at Watson’s after discount. Florence recommended it to me after having good experience with it, saying that it doesn’t give the “explosive diarrhoea” effect that most other supplements would.
That is always a good thing. The last thing I want happening during this time of the year is for my boss to call me in to review my salary, only to see me cringe my face badly because I’m holding my poop in.

How I look like when I hold my fart

Yes, one unfortunate side effect of detox is that you are gonna fart and poop a lot. And they’re gonna stink bad.
Real bad.
Like worse than fish market + rotten eggs + ANTHRAX + Steven Lim kinda bad.

It’s unfortunate that detoxing your body will cause your fart to smell fishier than VK Lingam’s testimonies. I mean, how else are the toxins gonna come out from your body right?
After all, detoxing is like giving the wardrobe a bit of spring cleaning before every Chinese New Year to clear out all the unwanted crap.
Except with detoxing, you don’t literally put your “crap” inside a cardboard box, seal it off and send it to charity.
That wouldn’t be too nice, would it?

Anyway, I’m gonna try this out and publish my results here when I’m done.
Over the next five days do not tempt me with kolo mee, laksa or fast food joints. I mean it.
Else I shall unleash my deadly “detox fart” in your face.

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Lessons Chua Soi Lek Should Learn From Lingam

It’s hard not to draw parallels between VK Lingam and Dr Chua Soi Lek.

Both are prominent folks in society. Both committed a very bad sin a couple of years ago. Both were caught red-handed and red-faced when grainy videos of their naughty behaviour were leaked to the public.
I’m sure everyone is familiar with Chua Soi Lek. He is our former Health Minister who cheated on his wife when he admited to bonking a “personal friend” in a hotel room.
As for VK Lingam, he is a prominent lawyer who is currently embroiled in controversy when an 6-year-old video of him was leaked to the public. The video showed VK Lingam talking on the phone, allegedly making a deal to ensure that Ahmad Fairuz, the future Chief Justice of Malaysia, could secure the position he wanted.

The Lingam Tape

It is such a big news in Malaysia right now because the Chief Justice is the No. 1 top judge of Malaysia, the one who have the ultimate power to decide what is right and wrong in this country.
Thing is, the question who should be Chief Justice is SUPPOSED to be a secret known only to the Prime Minister and the Agung. It’s top secret, highly confidential stuff. However, the presence of the “Lingam Tape” suggested otherwise. It suggested that there is corruption within the very top position of this country’s judicial system. It suggested that the person who gets appointed Chief Justice may not be a secret, but something that is planned all along by cronies of the Prime Minister.
So right now, VK Lingam is in a hot steaming pile of deep shit because the bugger got exposed.

Lingam in deep shit

But that’s the serious side of the news.
kennysia.com does not deal with serious news. kennysia.com only deals with serious news that have serious entertainment value.
This news became entertaining when VK Lingam’s ass was hauled up to the Royal Commission.
This is where the similarity between VK Lingam and Chua Soi Lek ends. Instead of admitting he was wrong, VK Lingam lied blatantly through his teeth. Whilst Chua Soi Lek admitted that he was the man in the sex video, Lingam wouldn’t even admit that it was him in the judge-fixing video.

Instead of admitting he’s the person in the video clip, he said “it looks like me, sounds like me, but I will not say 100% that it’s me.” He said that even when the room in the video clip matches the living room in his house.
Instead of admitting that he was speaking to Ahmad Fairuz on the phone, he said “I talk rubbish when I drink wine.” But anyone who watched the video clip would know that his conversation was so detailed and spot-on to be written off as “rubbish”.

Instead of admitting he and a former chief judge Eusoff Chin were so close they plan their holidays together, he said they bumped into each other at Changi Airport and then went on a holiday to New Zealand together. He said that even when they shared almost exactly the same flights, dates and even seat classes.
The guy lied so much, it’s almost comical. He lied so much, someone had to call BOMBA to put his pants out of fire.
He lied so much, he almost made George Bush look HONEST.

So while VK Lingam is happily wasting everybody’s time in the Royal Commission, poor Chua Soi Lek is sitting at home feeling tulan after he lost his job and got into trouble with his wife. Chua Soi Lek thought people would forgive him if he told the truth. Instead, he was forced to resign after telling the truth.
Oh how different things would’ve been if Chua Soi Lek were to learn a few tips from VK Lingam. At least he could’ve saved his job right?

Here’s a list of what I think are the top four tips Chua Soi Lek should’ve learnt from VK Lingam to keep his ass out of trouble.

  What Lingam Said What Chua Soi Lek Should Have Said
Pretend to be drunk “I talk rubbish when I drink wine.”

“I can even pretend to talk to President Bush.”

“I get horny when I drink wine.”

“Then I pretend to be screwing my personal friend.”

“Pretend only hor.”

Insist that the meeting was pure coincidence “I bumped into (former chief judge) Eusoff Chin at Changi Airport on my way to New Zealand.”

“It was a chance encounter.”

“I bumped into my ‘personal friend’ in Batu Pahat, at Hotel Katerina, inside Room 1301.”

“Then after I bumped into her, I bumped her lah.”

Don’t admit to being the person in the video clip “It looks like me, sounds like me.”

“But I will not say 100% that it’s me.”

“It looks like me, sounds like me, fucks like me.”

“But I will not say 100% that it’s me.”

Flat out deny you are guilty “I was not speaking to Tun Ahmad Fairuz on the phone.” “I am still a virgin.”

See? Say like that confirm Chua Soi Lek won’t have to step down one.

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Malaysian Dreamgirl

This blog entry is not an ad.

This is a sneak peek on a little side project I’m working on which I’m really very excited to share it with you guys.
Remember how at the beginning of last year, I said I wanted to take part in a reality TV show? Well, the closest I got to achieving that resolution was a cameo in one of the episodes for Nescafe Kickstart and that dismal performance in Deal Or No Deal.
But! It’s more than a year since I made that statement, and finally, I have gotten my wish!
Coming soon, I will be appearing on a brand new reality show. The only thing is, this new show is NOT gonna be shown on TV. And I’m not gonna be involved as a contestant.
I will be involved in this brand new reality show…


AS A JUDGE.
The show is called Malaysian Dreamgirl, and it’s a model search contest with an unconventional twist.
As I mentioned earlier, this show will NOT come to a TV screen near you.
That’s because we will be delivering Malaysian Dreamgirl straight to your computer – direct via The Internet.

Ladies and gentlemen, Malaysian Dreamgirl is coming soon to a computer screen near you.
It is the FIRST EVER online reality model search in Malaysia, and we are making entertainment history.
Never before in this country has a reality contest show been created and shown exclusively on the Internet. Malaysian Dreamgirl will be Malaysia’s first ever online reality model search. And I can guarantee you – it is gonna be big.

Check out the trailer

This ain’t some cheap RTM production.
The team behind the show has got everything sorted out. We’ve got sponsors covering all grounds, the finalists will be treated like princesses, stay in a beautiful mansion, be trained by seasoned professionals, and the eventual winner stands to win up to RM100,000 in prizes.
Malaysian Dreamgirl will be hosted by the sizzling Sazzy Falak.
Joining me on the judging table is A-list celebrity stylist Jimmy Lim, as well as model/actress/lawyer and former Miss Malaysia Universe herself Elaine Daly.
Like I said, we’ve got everything covered.

But here’s an interesting bit about the three of us judges. Elaine Daly is female, I am a male and Jimmy Lim is gay.
You know what that means?
That means I will be the only straight hot-blooded male in the judging panel for the search for our first Malaysian Dreamgirl! ๐Ÿ˜‰
Oh my. What a tough job I’m gonna have.

So that’s what I’ll be working on as a kennysia.com mini-side project for the next few weeks.
At this juncture, people are gonna have a lot of questions about Malaysian Dreamgirl
First of all, what the hell is Kenny Sia doing on the judging panel for a model search competition?
Heck. How am I even qualified to be a judge? Jimmy Lim is a stylist and Elaine Daly is a famous model, so fine. But what the fcuk FrenchConnectionUK does stupid Kenny Sia know about fashion?

Part of the team behind MalaysianDreamgirl.tv

Well, I know nuts about fashion. And the only modelling experience I had for OSIM uZap.
The parody version of OSIM uZap.
But hey, I am still very qualified, ok?!
For example, I have a lot experience looking at pretty girls.

Actually the real reason I’m on the judging panel to represent the Average Joes.
We’ve all seen beauty pageants where the winner turns out uglier than your grandmother, right? Like many others, I’m sick of those pageant judges that choose personality over looks. We don’t want some ugly cow emerged the winner. No way in hell am I gonna let that happen for Malaysian Dreamgirl.
As much as I’m sure Elaine and Jimmy are great in their respective fields, they’re inside the world of fashion and I’m not. The general public see things differently when it comes to fashion.
Remember that time when David Beckham went to a nightclub wearing a sarong?

I don’t know why all the fashionistas out there hailed “David Beckham Wearing A Sarong” as one of the greatest moment in male modelling history.
Personally, I thought David Beckham shit in his pants on his way out.
Whatever it was, I am in the judging panel to make sure that the views of the public count. We’ve all heard the saying “judges must be blind.” That’s not gonna happen when you have me as one of the judges.

Our Malaysian Dreamgirl feature in New Man magazine January 08 issue.

The second question people might ask is, “Why put the show up online?”
Why not?
The whole world is going online these days. If your schedule is as packed as mine, you’ll hardly the find time to watch TV at all. Putting the show on the Internet makes it easier for you to watch it whenever you want, wherever you want.
Another good thing about putting the show on the Internet is that we don’t just restrict our audiences to within Malaysia anymore. So even if you’re stuck in Singapore, Thailand, Australia, UK, America or as far as Saudi Arabia, you too could log into www.malaysiandreamgirl.tv and catch all the action as it unfolds.

Sneak peak into the Malaysian Dreamgirl house

There’s also another reason why we put it on the Internet that is not immediately obvious to everyone.
In Malaysia, the censors guarding our TV content are so restrictive to the point of being ridiculous. Look at that Faizal guy who took his shirt off during a rock concert. Poor dude gets banned for three months. If a guy like him could be banned for showing some skin, what more the girls?
Show some skin on TV, and some crazy nutcase from Cyberjaya is gonna go all Nazi on your ass and make a big fuss. Why? Because showing too much skin on TV will make them have all sorts of funny feelings in their lower body parts, and those feelings can lead to all sorts of horrible things like rape and diseases and people killing cute unwanted fluffy little babies.
DO YOU WANT PEOPLE KILLING CUTE UNWANTED FLUFFY LITTLE BABIES?

Which one do you prefer?

Same thing goes for our local FHM magazine. In other countries, guys buy lad mags like FHM to see babes in skimpy bikinis. But here, we got them all covered up and till there’s nothing left to show.
We got a lot of hot babes in here Malaysia. But we don’t see them in magazines. It’s so sad that they have to travel all the way to Singapore to pose in magazines the way they want it. Posing tastefully in bikinis is all part of modelling and there’s nothing crude about it. The guys love it, the girls think its sexy. Some girls even buy those men’s mags to admire the sex appeal of their models.
Could you imagine watching a modelling show where we gotta be so conservative until all the girls look like this?


What’s the point of watching the show if you cannot see hot girls in bikinis right? Might as well go watch a plant grow lah liddat.
So that’s another reason why we’re putting the show up online. The Nazis can censor the TV all they want, but they can’t touch us. Because if they’re gonna kick up a fuss about our finalists appearing in bikinis, then they’re gonna have to shut down Friendster, Facebook, Blogspot and everywhere else online you’re able to find a bikini picture.
Well, the runway is set and the judges are ready. All that’s left are contestants to take part in the search for our first ever Malaysian Dreamgirl.

We are looking for females of all races, aged between 18 to 28, to audition for Malaysian Dreamgirl. No prior modelling experience is required, and only those who have never been professional models or TV/movie artistes are eligible.
If you ever wanted to open up your career options, live the high life, taste the glitz and glamour of a rewarding modelling career, then this is your chance. Join us as we create our moment in Malaysian internet history.
12 finalists, 10 weeks, 3 judges, 1 house, 1 Malaysian Dreamgirl.

The eventual winner will win a 1.8L Nissan Latio, RM10,000 in AmBank prepaid Mastercard, a RM3,000 Wella hamper, a RM1,000 Escada fragrance hamper, and a date with Kenny Sia. In total, the prizes are worth up to RM100,000.
Even winning Miss Malaysia also cannot guarantee you prizes as good as that.

Online registration for auditions is now open, so please come and show us some support!
Help us spread the word too, and get your friends to audition if you think they have potential. You catch the show on www.MalaysianDreamgirl.tv. I’ll let you know when the show goes to air in March.

On a much more personal note, as much as I’m excited about the project because I have never done something like this before, I’m also a little scared. We are all crossing our fingers hoping that this will work out well. The production team is ready. The casting talents are ready. This is gonna be the first time we broadcast a reality show entirely through the internet. Whether or not the public is receptive to our product is entirely up to us.
If this works, we will be one of the success stories of commercial online video broadcasting in Malaysia. If not, then well, let’s not think about that. ๐Ÿ˜‰ We can plan and plan all we want. Truth is, we have no idea what to really expect.

Sazzy Falak, Elaine Daly and me

One thing for sure, this is gonna be fun.

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ADV: Jay Chou Is Coming To Town

If you wanna talk about who’s the King of Chinese Pop, you can bring up names like David Tao or Lee Hom.

But, love him or hate him, the ONE name that you cannot go past is Jay Chou.
Like many others, Jay Chou’s lyrical mumbling goodness has got me hooked since many years ago with his breakout single Ke Ai Nu Ren. Since then, I’ve been listening to his music frequently and following his album releases with anticipation every year.

In a climate of commercialised C-Pop where good looks take precedence over musical talent, and where every Chinese artiste is contented just singing translated versions of Western songs, Jay Chou’s originality is refreshing. In fact, he’s the only Chinese artiste I truly idolize. I like that in every new album of his, he is always ready to explore new themes while staying true to his roots.
His knack of fusing East and West, hip hop and pop, and the sounds of everyday elements like ping-pongs into music is always creative and is gonna stay interesting for many years to come.
It’s hard to find fault in this musical genius. Perhaps the only thing I hate about Jay Chou is that the lyrics to his songs are too cheem.
There is absolutely no chance in hell anyone can sing his songs during karaoke sessions.

Heck, I need to look up dictionary ten times just to sing his one line.
It wasn’t just singing he’s good at. The Taiwanese superstar recently ventured into acting and directing, releasing his first self-directed movie Secret to surprisingly critical acclaim. Even after Initially Disappointed with Jay Chou’s acting abilities, I have to take my words back after watching Secret. By that time, many guys are already throwing their arms up in air wondering “Is there ANYTHING Jay Chou can’t do?!”
But that’s not what this blog entry is about today.
My blog entry today is to tell you that Jay Chou is coming to town.

In conjunction with Jay’s new CNY movie Kung Fu Dunk, the good guys over at Mamee Funkees are bringing the Chinese King of R&B over for the Kung Fu Dunk Uth FEST.
The event is happening this 2nd February from 10am onwards at the 1Utama Central Park Avenue.
Jay Chou himself will be making a special appearance, and highlights of the Fest will include fashion shows, hair shows, kung fu shows, singing contests, t-shirt design contests, basketball challenges.
What’s more? There’ll be stage appearances by many well-known local personalities like Karen Kong, Liang and… KENNY SIA.

Me, Liang and David

Yes, I’ll be down Saturday next week for the Kung Fu Dunk Uth Fest.
Come 2nd February, 1Utama is gonna be more crowded than a Hindraf rally because everyone will be lining up to catch a glimpse of me and my coconuts.
Or more likely, they don’t really wanna see me and just wanna meet Jay Chou, like me.

But tell you what.
HOW GOOD WOULD IT BE if you join us backstage chilling out with Jay Chou up close and personal, and avoid the people mountain people sea situation outside 1Utama?
All you gotta do is get those specially-marked packs of the delicious Mamee Funkees and open up to see if you have the winning card. Who knows? You might get lucky, you know? (With the card, not with Jay Chou)
Even if you didn’t get to meet the star himself, there’s still lots of prizes like LG TVs, Apple iPods and movie passes to drool over.

All these is in celebration of the 7th February release of his new movie Kung Fu Dunk.
In this cross between Shaolin Soccer and Slam Dunk, Jay Chou plays a kung fu fighter trying to locate his real family. Instead he was duped by Eric Tsang into joining a basketball team, where he met and fell in love with Half-A-Twin Charlene Choi.
It’s an action comedy, which is gonna be interesting because I never saw Jay Chou as a comedian. His role in all his previous movies is this calm, quiet, introverted guy with only ONE facial expression.

The -_- expression.
We know Jay Chou has got that cool solemn factor nailed down, so let’s see if he could do himself proud as a comedian.

For more info about the Kung Fu Dunk Uth FEST, log on to uth.com.my. You could also join this Be Funky With Funkee contest, and it’s wacky fun.

The instruction on the website says to grab a basketball and a pack of yummy Mamee Funkees, then “take a photo and show us how FUNKY you are!”
“The one with the funkiest shot and slogan will win!”
I tried.


I failed. Miserably.
I think the most difficult part is figuring out what “funky” stuff I could do with a basketball and a packet of Funkees.
What exactly does “funky” mean anyway?

Does this look funky to you?

Does this look funky to you?
Wait, I have an idea.

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Does THIS look funky to you?

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ADV: MalaysianTalents.com The Series

Now here’s a plug for a great online show that I reckon everyone should watch.

It’s called MalaysianTalents.com and it’s a “mockumentary” of a talent agency called… (what else) MalaysianTalents.com
MalaysianTalents.com was originally a website of an online talent agency where actors, models, singers, etc post their profiles online so companies looking to hire their services can contact them. In MalaysianTalents.com “the show”, Douglas Lim plays himself as the real-life eccentric head honcho of the agency who is so delusional he thinks he’s better than everyone else.

You may remember Douglas Lim from such Malaysian English sitcom as Kopitiam.
The fun starts when well-known Malaysian personalities like Elaine Daly, Gavin Yap and Tony Eusoff dropped by his agency to submit their portfolios. That’s when Douglas works his magic, exaggerating his own skillz , getting on people’s nerves and giving advice to people who are clearly more experienced than he is.
It’s can be difficult to describe what the show is really about, but you really gotta watch the show to appreciate the humour. I got to preview the first three episodes of MalaysianTalents.com and already I’m hooked.

No, the lady on the left was not having her period. That’s just Davina Goh being Davina Goh.

This is Gua.com.my‘s second exclusive online series after the successful launch of Kerana Karina last year, which received close to 834,000 views! Who would’ve thought Malaysians can be so receptive to online TV shows?
In total there are 20 episodes for MalaysianTalents.com and each episode is only 4 minutes short, so it’s bite-sized entertainment.
The humour is subtle but the lines Douglas delivered as the sarcastic and obnoxious CEO are absolutely brilliant. I like the part where Elaine Daly told him she won Miss Malaysia and he replied “But beauty is not a talent now, IS IT?”

Kuching boy Tony Eusoff drops by

What kept it interesting is that each episode they will get a different celeb to come in and “submit their portfolio”. These are all people we’re very familiar with in the local arts and entertainment circles, and some could even be friends of yours or mine. The best thing about MalaysianTalents.com is that it’s unmistakenably “Malaysian”, and that is why I enjoy it so much.

“We use a dark background to contrast with your skin colour ‘cos you’re kinda pale.” (Gavin Yap is Eurasian)

MalaysianTalents.com is now showing exclusively on Gua.com.my. New episodes will be posted every Tuesday and Thursday, and you can watch them online anytime you want for FREE.

You could even watch it on a 3G phone. Just make a video call to *32223 for Gua Mobile, and the show will pop up on your phone like magic. For now, it’s only available to Maxis customers for a cheap 30c per minute.

Go on and check it out. ‘Cos if you like what I like then you’ll like it.

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Treating A Plane Like It’s A Bus

Just got back from KL so I’ll keep this short.

I really need to cut down jetting back and forth between KL and Kuching virtually every weekend. If this goes on any longer, I might start treating an aeroplane like it’s a bus. Then next time you might see me rushing out onto the airport runway with my arm outstretched, yelling “Stop! Stop!”
Come to think of it, I did that once when I almost missed my flight.

L-R Back: Ganesh, Kid Chan, Datuk Ong Tee Keat, Joel Neoh, Henry Ong, Dunno Who.
L-R Front: Mia Palencia, Timothy Tiah, Ng Khai Lee, Dunno Who.

Anyway, the reason why I was in KL was because I was one of the invited speakers for the inaugral National Youth Entrepreneur Convention organised by YouthMalaysia.com
During our lunch, MCA vice president Datuk Ong Tee Keat and YouthMalaysia.com founder Joel Neoh presented me with a souvenir – a BIG ASS framed portrait of myself.

The portrait is so humongous, I felt a bit paiseh carrying it around the Putra World Trade Centre.
But I have no choice! People give this to you as a present, you must accept it, especially when one of the givers is the vice president of MCA. If I don’t, people might think that Kenny Sia is sombong stuck-up bitch who doesn’t wanna accept such a nice gift from a minister.
So no choice lah, had to carrying this picture of myself across the PWTC hallways…

… into the toilets…

… down the escalators…
Hell, people there must be thinking that I am so in love with myself.

And they are absolutely correct.
I love the portrait. Except when people poked fun at it like Nicole did when she took photos of my portrait at weird angles.
She made it look like this.

And then like this.

Wtf I look like a freakin’ alien from outer space.

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Good Name For a Nail Salon

The owner of this nail salon must’ve got her inspiration during a boink.

Or more likely, she just didn’t know the double-meaning of the word “nail”.
Who the heck calls their nail salon “NAIL ME GOOD” anyway? Now we know all her customers will be going to her salon to get nailed good. Real good.
Hey! Maybe next, she’ll open a massage centre, called “BANG ME HARD”.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
P/S: I take what I said earlier back. Waddya know? It wasn’t obvious to me at first, but turns out “Nail Me Good” was deliberately named as such to be tongue-in-cheek. The ladyboss said so herself. Go check out her blog at fionamarcusraja.blogspot.com.

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Mat Rempits Wanted To Transport Voters To Polling Booths

There’s this news from a while back that kinda went under the radar because everyone was so pre-occupied with watching “Paris” Chua Soi Lek’s video.

Apparently, some clown over at Putera UMNO thought it was a good idea to pay Mat Rempits cold-hard cash to help send voters to the polling booths on election day.

This comes in the wake of rebranding these hooligans as Mat Cemerlangs, signing them up as Rakan Cops, and sending them on an all-expense-paid trip to the North Pole for a sky-diving expedition.
Getting Mat Rempits to send voters to the polling booths. What a stupid, STUPID idea.
AS IF it wasn’t bad enough already that these noisy pests on motorbikes are terrorising our streets riding like this.

Can you imagine what’s gonna happen if they REALLY let those Rempits take the Aunties out on election day?
Where is the Auntie gonna sit?


Somebody is gonna get a heart attack I tell you.

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Chicago 7

Recently there’s been a lot of new places popping up all over Kuching.

Chicago 7 is one of those new fast food restaurants that has only recently started business here.
The franchise outlet offers all the standard American-style fast food like burgers, hot dogs, fries and “broasted” chickens. I like it. They are pretty much like your regular KFC or McDonald’s, except the quality of food here is a lot better and cleaner.

The only problem is that Chicago 7 is new. Very new.
They are so new that half the stuff on their menu isn’t even available yet.

When I was there last night, the hot dogs are sold out, the chickens are not here, and the only thing they have left are the burgers. But even then the burgers at Chicago 7 are not the same as the ones I’m used to.
For instance, I’m used to burgers being called either “chicken burgers” or “beef burgers”. Over at Chicago 7, they don’t call it Bar-B-Q Beef Burger. They call it Bar-B-Q Cow.

So if you wanna order a beef burger, you tell them you wanna order a cow.
And I couldn’t resist pulling some lame jokes on the poor cashier.

Cashier: What would you like to order?
Kenny: I’ll have a Bar-B-Q Cow.
Cashier: Bar-B-Q Cow? Or meal?
Kenny: Just the cow.
Cashier: Just the cow?
Kenny: Yeah. Do I have to feed the cow grass or… what?
Cashier: -_-
Kenny: Does it come with milk?
Cashier: No!
Kenny: So how am I gonna fit it in the car?
Cashier: -_____-
Kenny: So if I want milk shake, I just take the cow and shake it a bit, is it?
Cashier: -___________-
The cashier was so put off by my lame jokes, her expression was exactly like this.

I think she was very annoyed lah. Because in the end, she did not even deliver my order!

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Diu Or No Diu

As you know, I was on TV a while ago for the game show Deal Or No Deal.

It has always been one of those quriky dreams of mine to be on a TV game show, dating back to the days of Wheel Of Fortune and A Million Dollar Chance Of A Lifetime that I used to watch a lot in the 80s.
It wasn’t so much the 15-minutes-of-fame to be on TV that attracted me, more so the huge-ass amount of money that awaits – all for answering some really simple questions.

Of course, for a long time that little dream of mine never materialised because most game shows are held in KL and I live in Kuching. But earlier last year, I was in KL and by chance I saw Deal Or No Deal doing a road show at 1Utama.

Dawn Jeremiah

I got nothing to lose right? So I filled up the application form and didn’t give it much of a thought after that.
Surprise surprise. Three months later, I received a call from the show’s producers telling me I’ve been selected to participate in Deal Or No Deal. They asked me if I could make the flight to KL.
Needless to say, I jumped at the opportunity like a kangaroo.

Without so much as to give it a second thought, I took two days off work and booked a RM500 flight straight to KL.
What’s RM500 for a flight compared to how much I could potentially take home right? Hey, people win a lot of money on these things. Just the other night, I saw some guy on TV walked away with RM20,000 just like that.
I figured, even if I win only just half his prize money, I’ll be happy. RM10,000 is more than enough for me to do a lot of things I wanted to do. I’d love to travel to the States, upgrade my computer and do a bit of charity if I win a big prize money.

My confidence picked up even more when I attended the filming of the episode before mine, and that contestant won some RM43,000! That’s a crazy amount of money I could only imagine winning in my dreams.
And then it was my turn to be filmed.

He he he

I was nervous as hell. So nervous, because it was officially the first time I’m going on TV – if you don’t count those numerous times when I “accidentally walked past” in the background when somebody else was shooting something.
First, I had to go past the elimination round. There were 6 contestants, and only the first person to answer two questions correct can go through to the next round.

I missed the first question.
The second question was “Which is the longest river in the world?”, and I got that right. The third question was “Which of the following sports does not allow players to use their hands? Basketball, volleyball or football?” I answered “Football” and I’m through to the next round!
… and that’s when everything started going downhill for me.

The briefcase models. Too bad I couldn’t take them home.

I won’t dwelve into the details on how the game is played. Suffice to say, the objective is to eliminate all the small amounts of prize money on the left hand side of the board. The more prize moneys on the left hand side is eliminated, the higher the possibility that I’ll be offered a bigger sum of prize money by the mysterious “banker”.
Here’s how it went down.
First I picked a briefcase to keep, and proceeded to eliminate 6 briefcases.

Diu. I picked all the ones on the right hand side!
Nevermind. At least the RM100,000 prize money is still there. Banker offered RM600 but I’m arrogant so he can go kiss my ass.
Next, I have to get rid of 5 more briefcases.

Diu! Almost all the big money are gone!
Fine, RM100,000 is still in play so I might just get lucky.
I have to throw away 4 more cases.

DIU!
Now even RM100,000 is gone!
How to play lah like that?!

To cut the long story short, I played until I threw away all the big prize money on the right hand side.
Left with all the pathetically small prize money, I reluctantly accepted the banker’s offer of RM100 halfway to end the game. And even that decision was not a good deal. Because in the briefcase that I was holding onto all along, I have RM250.

Damn, I should’ve just take the RM900 Samsonite briefcase and run.
I lost a lot of money by flying to KL just to take part in the game show. But you know what? That is not the most tulan thing about the whole experience I had on Deal Or No Deal.
My friends Nelly, Alwyn, Allan and Tim drove all the way to the ntv7 studios in Shah Alam to attend the shooting of my episode and give me support. I thought that if I were to win a lot of money, I could’ve treated them to a nice meal to show my appreciation.

Since that did not happen, I could only do the next best thing I could do. And that is to compensate Tim for his petrol.
I think the petrol itself is already RM100. So there goes my prize money.

Diu or No Diu?

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