My Birthday Party @ Links

So I had my 24th birthday party at Links this past Sunday.

I’ve never held a party in a club before and I hadn’t had a large-scale birthday party since I was 11. But this year is extra special for me.
According to the Chinese zodiac calendar it is the year of the dog, which is my year. So I think that is good enough excuse to throw a big-ass party at an exclusive club lah. 😛

I actually didn’t do much myself to make the party happening. All I did was arrange for the venue, order some food, then post a notice up on my blog to get people to come.

Morri, who runs the place, deserves all the credit for making my job easy.
The few times that I met up with him to discuss my plans for the party, he kept telling me “don’t worry”. I asked about security, he said “don’t worry”. I asked about the music, he said “don’t worry”.
Everything also “don’t worry”.
I think he should change his name from Morri to Dunworri.

The party on the evening itself began in earnest. Francis was the first to arrive.
Not because he couldn’t wait to see me lah. The poor guy had to deliver the tray loads of finger food I ordered from his wife.

Alex Kho, an old friend of mine, came early as well.
The guy has a lot of heart. He’s the one who brought me the cake shaped in the mould of a pair of coconuts. He printed out about 200 copies of very old photos of me in my awkward moment and throughout the night, he was just giving them out to the guests.
Alex also brought me another surprise, in the form of Suzanne!

She’s my old mate from Perth. Alex flown her in specially for my birthday all the way from Sabah. Wow!
By 9pm, the guests started streaming in steadily.

John Lee is an interesting fella I met recently. This self-made entrepreneur and motivational writer runs a language translation outfit called Epsilon Translation.
You’d think that he must be almost 40 years old to be able to achieve so much in his career, but the guy is the same age as me – 24.

Shirley, Lina and Monica came to my party looking fabulous in their elegant black dresses. At first, I thought “Wah! They really give me face.” But actually they came here straight from a wedding dinner.
There were plenty of eye-candies on the night.

Like “Mei Ling*”, from Hubei, China. (* not his real name)
A couple of Kuching bloggers were present at the party. This is inevitable since the invitation was published on a blog after all.

Yvonne and Marko looking sweet together.

Pic courtesy of KenJJ

Robin who wrote heaps about the party, Wendy, Felicity, Sue, Ben loves beach babes, Chun Chow, KenJJ and Francis Ho.
Sue is an avid reader of Kuching blogs. She currently resides in Florida but the mother-of-3 probably knows more about Kuching than the average Kuching-nite.
Goes to show that you can take the girl out of Kuching, but you cannot take the kolo mee out of the girl.

By 10pm, Links was getting PACKED.
I was worried initially how people would warm up into this new place, but turns out my decision to hold the party here was the right choice. Those who wanted to drink, dance and indulge in the music can go party the main area. Those who wanted to hold a decent conversation and meet new friends without yelling their heads off can socialise in the room where the food was served.
To top it off, the beautiful Kuching city lights from the top of the tower provides the ultimate backdrop for the party.

I was running around the whole night socialising with everyone and making sure no one was feeling too bored.
At least someone was having fun.

Brandon Juan, after his 536th beer.

Then there are those who hadn’t had enough to eat.

Like Briant.
The first time I met this guy, I was having supper at a hawker food stall. He spotted me, walked over, introduced himself and told me he reads my blog. For some reason, I was telling him I was trying to lose some weight.
The fella said to me, “You wanna lose weight? Very easy! I lost a lot of weight already. You just…”
“I’m willing to try anything that does not involve smoking.” I interrupted before he could finish.
“Oh… liddat then I got nothing to say already.”
What lah!

Mojo Gerald, Brandon, Kenny, Jojo, Isaac and “Mei Ling”.
I like this pic. And I love these people.

Samantha, who came in a stunning blue sun dress.

Gladys. I wrote about her previously. She’s that hot ex-primary school classmate who still recognised me after being separated for 13 years.

The boyish Eldon and the sassy Joanne, a witty girl who loves to pose for the camera.
There’s a lot more who attended my party, but I couldn’t possibly post all the photos up.

Entertainment for the night was voluntarily provided by Eldon and his team of Melbourne shufflers. They call themselves Hazard Minors. Thanks, guys!
Before I knew it, it was 12 midnight. I was led into the room to blow out candles and cut the cake, signifying me turning one year older.

Then it happened. Alex pushed the candles further down into the cake. And I smelt a rat.
He announced that according tradition (what tradition?), the birthday boy is supposed to pick up the candles from the cake with his mouth. So I leaned foward and…

Kena splat.

Thanks Briant.

Overall I reckon the party was a great success. Everyone had a good time chilling out and there wasn’t any untoward incidents with people getting drunk and starting fights.
Total alcohol consumed by the crowd: 3 bottles whiskey, 4 bottles vodka, 1 bottle Bacardi and 1 big keg of beer.
I didn’t intend on getting drunk myself either. That is, until Morri plied me with some powerful cocktails and then put the nail in the coffin with a fiery shot of flaming Sambuca.

Let’s just say I woke up the next morning with vomit on my blanket. Mom’s not happy.
Thanks to everyone who sent me gifts! Among some of them, I received a Manchester United shirt; a Chelsea football jersay (coincidentally, it was Man U Vs Chelsea on the night of my party); a pair of drum sticks; a Guess wallet; an fcuk tee; a tie with cartoons of condoms on it; and…

A box of G-string. Size S.
Thanks, but I think I need something A LOT bigger than that. Size S can only fit one of my toes, ok!?
Here’s a closer look at all the presents I received.

Yes, that is indeed a lacy pink women’s underwear. I’m not sure what its doing there and I’m not sure if it’s been used before or not.
Actually the more important question is: what am I even gonna do with it?
Wear it over my head?

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Twenty Four

Today, I turn 24.

When I was 23 years old, I…
– was in KL and had no cake for my birthday.
– got so drunk I puked for the first time. This happened at a new friend’s Christmas gathering, and I puked in his house, on his couch, in front of everyone. Way to go, me.

– went kayaking for the first time.
celebrated Chinese New Year alone for the first time.

– had someone plagiarise the photo I took for this website, sent it in to The Star, and won herself RM50 in the process.
– said goodbye for the first time.

– met Amber Chia for the first time.
played golf for the first time.

– met Cheesie for the first time.

– completed a full 42km marathon for the first time. Total time spent: 6 hours 33 minues. I ran for 30km. The remaining 12km was spent limping and dragging my feet towards the finishing line.
– had my first column, “Blogroll with Kenny Sia”, published by KLue magazine.

– travelled to Phuket, busted my baht and had a good thai.

– had my car broken into. That son-of-a-bitch made away with my expensive car stereo and forgot to take my iPod nano.

– had a blast at the Rainforest World Music Festival with Joyce, Kevin and YC flying in from KL; and Arthur and IngHui coming in from Miri. Met Jojo for the first time.

– travelled to Hong Kong, and till this day I still can’t get over my annoyance at those Chinese aunties cutting my queues at Disneyland.
– said goodbye to my maternal grandfather for the last time.

– reunited with a primary school classmate Gladys for the first time after 13 years.
– started taking medications to treat my hair loss, and had my doctor using his finger to describe erectile dysfunction.

– travelled to Auckland, New Zealand for the first time.

– went bungy jumping for the first time.
– went Zorbing for the first time.

received a job offer from my ex-boss in Perth that put me in a dilemma whether to remain in Kuching or utilise my Australian PR and move to Perth. For now, my decision is to stay.
– met Samantha for the first time.

– had The Most Awesomest Birthday Party™ last night, for the first time.
– and finally, puked my guts out for the second time.
Compared to last year, the past 12 months was less of an emotional rollercoaster and more of a joy ride.
When I was 23, I travelled to many places. I tried my hands at new things and breathed refreshing energy back into my life. Along the way I met countless new friends, friends that have grown to become an important backbone of my life and whom now I consider like my family. After going through the pain of losing a parent, this is exactly what I need.
Today, I turn 24 years old. The best (and worst) has yet to come. But I’m ready for it. All I gotta do is have the coconuts to tackle whatever life throws at me.

And coconuts, I have. Come what may.

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This is hilarious.

A politician has suggested to his colleagues to adopt one illegal motorbike racer each, so these Mat Rempits can lead a better life.
Now, before you guys shoot down this man’s suggestion without so much as giving it a second thought, please let me go on record and say that I think this is a BRILLIANT idea. Who cares about adopting unwanted children and orphans? Those are out of fashion already. Nobody wants them anyway.
Let’s all adopt illegal motorbike racers!

Who knows, if this works out well, next time those Hollywood A-listers like Madonna or Angelina Jolie wanna adopt another baby from impoverished countries, they can come to Malaysia. Heck, this can even be part of the Visit Malaysia Year 2007 campaign.
Just think about it. Which of the following would you rather adopt?

A sick, poor orphan from Cambodia?

A starving, HIV-positive orphan from Ethiopia?

Or that crazy lawless Mat Rempit from Malaysia?
Obviously, the obvious choice here is obvious. Right?
Those Hollywood celebrities would be fighting with each other to adopt our illegal motorbike racers from Malaysia! Think about all the endless entertainment value they’re gonna get out of them.
Don’t be surprised if the next time you flip open a tabloid magazine, you get see this photo of a new member of the family added to the Angelina Jolie-Brad Pitt household.

I heard that soon, our politicians are gonna come up with an Adopt-An-AhLong campaign.
Can’t wait.

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Taupo Chabo

Rotorua was great for doing something different, like zorbing, but there really wasn’t anything blog-worthy to mention.

Excuse me, aren’t you supposed to paddle when you’re inside the river?

I could tell you that I went whitewater rafting, but nothing fantastic happened. The two most exciting coming out from that activity was:
1. Falling off a two-storey high waterfall in an inflatable boat with a bunch of Scottish guys.

2. Me getting into the most ridiculous-looking wet suit EVER.

WTF. That thing is so bloody tight, my balls had trouble breathing. I had to secretly stick a straw into my suit in case the little fella died due to lack of oxygen.

I could tell you that I visited some natural geothermal wonders, but honestly there wasn’t anything much worth blogging about a place with a couple of mud pools and some funky-coloured ponds.

Aduh warning sign. What kinda idiot would walk into a pool anyway

Find a hole in the ground, give it some evil-sounding name and call it a tourist destination.

What lah, I can also do that.
From Rotorua, we drove down to the scenic town of Taupo. Along the way we stopped by for lunch at New Zealand’s only freshwater prawn farm and paid NZD$29.50 / RM74 for 8 pieces of prawn of a species imported from Malaysia. Siao.

Prawns are so expensive here in New Zealand because the country does not have the warm climate necessary to breed prawns naturally. The Kiwis had to import heaps of them from Malaysia and other countries.
Not far away from the prawn farm is a place I totally recommend visiting if you’re around the region.

The honey toast here is absolutely heavenly. Thinking about their irish cream honey fudge still makes my mouth water till this day.
New Zealand has some of the world’s best-tasting honey. So good that Amway has begun to import them and sell them for RM100 a jar. Ridiculous.

Click for wallpaper-size image

We finally reached the lovely town of Taupo in the evening. The views here are breathtakingly gorgeous.

The centerpiece attraction here is Lake Taupo, a large freshwater lake approximately the size of Singapore that was created following the collapse of a super volcano thousands of years ago.

Every photo I took here is postcard quality, thanks to the panaromic views of the lake and mountains. It’s no wonder this place is one of the most popular tourist destinations in New Zealand North Island.

They say the further south you go from New Zealand, the better the views are. I certainly cannot argue with that.
For a change, we decided to do homestay while in Taupo. Our hosts are a 78-year-old couple who live alone with their two dogs and rent their spare rooms out to holidaymakers.

With our hosts John and Norli Reid, and dogs Bouncer and Toss

It’s not everyday I share the same roof with someone also on Wikipedia with me, eventhough he probably doesn’t even know he’s in there.
The patriach of the family John Reid is a former captain of New Zealand’s cricket team, and from what I heard, is quite a legend himself. Too bad the only cricket I know is the one that makes a lot of noise in my backyard at night.

I could tell our presence was a welcome break from their loneliness.
Over breakfast I told the old couple that I’m working in IT. They didn’t understand what “IT” means. I had to explain to them that it’s “stuff to do with computers”. John’s eyes lit up immediately and he explained to me this nagging tech problem he’s having.
“I have this mobile phone that used to ring, but now it doesn’t ring when people call. Because of that I haven’t used it for 6 months already.”

It took me 2 seconds to change the phone profile from silent back to normal. When his phone rang for the first time in 6 months, John was so happy he danced to the ringtone.
It’s a great feeling when you can make old people laugh and dance.

Staying with them was definitely one of the highlights of my trip. The old couple treated us with such warmth and hospitality. When we’re about to leave, they almost forgot to ask for payment.

From the Reid household in Taupo, we drove a further 1.5 hours south up to the Whakapapa Snow Fields for some skiing action.

“Whakapapa” is a Maori word. In Maori, “WH-” is pronounced “F-“. So “Whakapapa” is pronounced “Fucker Papa”.

Unfortunately God wasn’t on our side. Winter has already ended. The snow levels at the ski fields were kinda low and protuding rocks were everywhere. Very dangerous.
I skied around a bit, then decided I’d be too much of an idiot to risk breaking a bone for a moment of fun. So instead, I indulged in the safer sport of camwhoring.

And some more.

And a bit more.

Then I realised I was looking damn gay. So I stopped what I was doing just drove all the way back to Hamilton, concluding our memorable, exhausting yet exhilirating NZ North Island trip.

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Panda Love

A lot of flak has been given to our Science Ministry for sending a Malaysian astronaut into space to make teh tarik for the Russians.

A lot of flak has also been given to me for poking fun at Malaysia. But sometimes, it’s not that I wanna joke about my own home country. Sometimes, the jokes just write themselves.
In Malaysia’s defence, we’re not the only country with the dubious honour of being admitted into the ‘Odd News’ section of world newspapers. Recently, it was reported that a zoo in our neighbouring Thailand ran into some problems with the two pandas they’re taking care.

Apparently, the Thais have this two pandas, a male and a female, for four years. All these while, they are trying to push the two of them together, so they could produce some baby pandas and spur on the population of this endangered species. Alas, four years has passed, and nothing happened. Try as they may, the male panda simply cannot get horny enough to hump the female panda.
It then occurred to the Thais that it is very possible that the male panda does not even know the art of making love!
So what the Thais are gonna do – and I’m seriously not making this up – is to screen “PANDA PORN”.

You don’t get to say the words “panda porn” very often.
How it has come to this, I have no idea. I thought animals are naturally born to know how to have sex. Apparently that is not the case.
Heck, even as humans, some of us don’t know how to have sex. Sex education in Form 3 has never been explicit, Malaysian film censors always cut out juicy parts of movies and sex still remains a taboo topic in today’s society.
If it weren’t for the occassional glimpse of underground porn videos on the Internet that everyone would have come across at some point in their lives, I bet Malaysians would end up as an endangered species, next to pandas.

God knows why the two stupid pandas don’t wanna have sex. Maybe the male panda just didn’t wanna sleep with his housemate. Or maybe they just feel awkward together. Everyone knows that when you try to force your male friend and a female friend together, it never works out.
To their credit, the Thais had probably tried other things in their power to make the male panda horny.
The Thais made him listen to raunchy hip-hop music, but the clueless panda must’ve thought 50 Cents’ “Candy Shop” meant sweets and lollies. They brought him to visit the topless bars in Bangkok, but the male panda is not interested – female pandas walk around with no clothes on all the time!

Go-go bars in Bangkok have an unexpected guest

When push comes to shove, the zoo had no choice but to ring up Discovery Channel and say “give us your hottest panda sex making tapes, RIGHT NOW”.
I can’t even imagine how “panda porn” is gonna look like.

Oh my.

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The Most Awesomest Party Of The Year

If you have something else planned on the 26th November 2006, cancel it.

Yes, this is indeed gonna be the Most Awesomest Birthday Party of the Year™. And the best thing about it is, everyone is invited.
Bloggers, non-bloggers, commenters, lurkers, chatters, friends, families, enemies, long lost classmates, primary school crushes, teachers, colleagues. I don’t care who you are, where you live, if you are reading this right now, YOU ARE INVITED.
If you live in Kuching, drive here. If you live in KL, fly here. If you live in Singapore, swim here. I don’t care how you do it as long as you come. Because you, ALL OF YOU are invited to the Most Awesomest Birthday Party Of The Year™ at the newest hippest bar in town, links.

All I ask is that you please leave a comment or send me an e-mail to tell me that you’re coming by this Tuesday.
It’ll help me determine how much food and drinks to buy. On the night of the party, I will put your name on my guest list and only people from that list is allowed to come in.
No Invitation = No Entry = No Free Drinks = No Party.
Uninvited guests are welcome to hang around till 11:30pm when the doors open for lazy procrastinators like you.

One more thing.
In case you’re thinking of coming with a coconut as a birthday gift for me, DON’T DO IT. It’s not even funny anymore. Unless you want me to throw you off the top of the Civic Centre with that coconut dislodged up your ass.
Now would be funny.

Waitomo Caves And Funny Looking Buildings

It’s great that I was staying in Hamilton because Hamilton is the gateway to New Zealand North Island’s scenic countryside.

Baby stole my wallet

On the fourth day of my travels, I left my sister’s place to drive towards the Waitomo. Turned out the hardest thing for me to do was to leave the house. Jayden was crying non-stop because I woke up late and didn’t have time to play with him in the morning.

Waitomo is 1.5 hours drive from Hamilton and is best known for its system of underground limestone caves. What made these caves really special is that they are inhabited by colonies of tiny little insects called “glow worms”. These insects hang over cave ceilings and emit blue bioluminesence lights, literally from their asses, to attract food and sex.
If all it takes for chicks to have sex with me is for my ass to glow blue light, I think I wanna be a glow worm too.

We took the guided Spellbound tour into the caves (costs NZD$47.50 / RM 119 per person). If you want to, you could do blackwater rafting and abseiling in Waitomo. I didn’t because the costs are way out of my budget.

It was freaking cold inside the caves, but the experience was worth it. Our guide gave each of us hard hats that made us looks like miners. Once we hiked deep inside, she got us to switch off our headlamps.

Without all the light pollution from outside, the entire cave glowed like the brightest stars I’ve ever seen, only instead of stars were millions of glow worms everywhere above our heads.

Outside the caves, the Waitomo landscape looks like the Land of the Teletubbies with its strange-looking hills. Apparently, many of the Shire scenes in the Lord of the Rings were filmed in this area.
The entire tour took only about 3.5 hours. When we finished, we still got a bit of time on our hands so we made an excursion to Marokopa Falls.

This is one spectacular waterfall not many tour buses would take you to since it’s a bit out of the way. I’m just glad I’m on a self-drive tour.
Another one of the best things about touring around in a car is that you can at your own pace, stop and see many peculiar sights along the way. And trust me, there are lots of them in the New Zealand countryside.

Slow down. Cows crossing.

From Hamilton heading towards Rotorua, we encountered in one of the towns, a giant building shaped like a dog.

Got tongue hanging out some more

It’s the New Zealand Tourist Information Centre.
Next to it, is a giant building shaped like a sheep, selling sheep products.

Eeek! Giant man-eating sheep!

Those crazy New Zealanders, though you gotta admit that it’s actually kinda cute.
I have an idea. I reckon Malaysia could perhaps take a leaf out of the Kiwi’s book and do something similar.
After reading about the Penang Municipal Council President implying that women who wear normally office attire are bringing upon themselves to be sexually harrassed because it is “sexy”, I suggest that the Penang Municipal Council building be renovated into this.

Considering how much shit came out from the president’s mouth, I think this design is only appropriate.

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Desperate Addict Stories

Less than one week away to the close of entries for the LG White Chocolate Giveaway Contest and the submissions are still rolling in.

I gave the topic looking for real life stories of crazy things desperate people do to win a boy or a girl’s heart. A lot of people missed the point and gave me some boring lovey-dovey stories about how they fell in love with their partners. They are really sweet and romantic, but I wasn’t looking for those. Then there are people who submit stories not about desperation for a boy or a girl, but for a bolster.

Only a handful come up with bizarre and hilarious stories that really hit the mark. Regardless, thank you for all your submissions. I wish I had 350+ phones to give out but too bad I only have one. It was difficult, but I managed to narrow so many entries down to the best three.
If I don’t change my mind between now and the end of the competition, one of the following readers could be getting their hands on a brand new LG White Chocolate.

I wanna give Pathetic a pat on the back after he posted his story.

“I’m your typical pathetic loser.
It happened when I was in Form 2. There was this girl that I really liked P. At that point, being young and naive, I thought that love was easy.
I guess she was toying with the fact that i liked her, her friends as well as mine knew about this one way relationship.
Coz I was sort of like her boyfriend. That’s it. She wasn’t my girlfriend.
Well, being young and naive, I thought that I had her in the bag. Thoughts or marriage and nonsense.
Anyway, she forced me to do things for her. Now thinking back, I was pretty dumb to oblige to everything.
She wanted to eat Ipoh hor fun during reccess one day. When i say Ipoh, I mean Ipoh. I sneaked out of school, took a taxi to Puduraya, got a bus, went to Ipoh, bought the hor fun, came back to KL. By then, it was night already. Called her, she said she didn’t want it anymore.
It was a Saturday night, she called me. Said she wants me to go to her house to make a cup of milo for her. So I walked to her house (her house was in the other neighbourhood), ringed the doorbell, guess what? Her dad came out holding a police-like baton threatening to kill me. He didn’t believe me when I told him her daughter asked me to come over. He said his daughter would never befriend a guy like me and she was already asleep. Got into a lot of trouble with my parents when I got home.
On Monday, I enquired her about it. She slapped me across the face. During assembly, I was left hurt and ashamed.
From that day ’till today, we have not spoken. I thought obliging to her wishes would make her accept me. Guess not.
So, do you agree that I’m a pathetic loser?
I’m sure you are nodding frantically now.”

Lucky she only said Ipoh hor fun, and not Mongolian lamb chop.

JC has a friend who did something so digustingly weird it’s incomprehensible.

“This guy, B, liked this friend of mine, S, way back in Form 4 but S barely noticed him as she doesn’t really know him. So one fine day, a group of us were discussing about a sensitive issue (maybe not really sensitive la… since we actually discussed bout it). It was about masturbation :p… hehe… midway through the discussion, B came over to see what’s going on. Coincidentally, when he came over, S raised a question to the group “how does sperm look like?”
I guess B saw that as a chance to get her to notice him more because the very next morning he brought a small container with white gooey substance in it. He looked for S before class started and passed it to her telling her what it was and added “now you not only know how it looks like, you can know how it feels and smells”. S was so disgusted she threw the container at him while the rest of us couldn’t stop laughing. Through out the remainder one and a half years of life in secondary school, he never dared come close to our group of friends anymore because every time he was seen by us, there will be a huge roar of laughter.”

He gave the girl he’s after a jar of his own semen!? What the hell was he thinking?!

A funny desperate addict story is by this crazy girl with a nickname iwilleatyourpetfrogalive.

Okay, so I’m totally in love with this guy right. No wait, he’s a GOD. He is a fucking GOD.
First day I meet him, he looks like a GOD. He even has rings of purple around his head, just like Buddhadoes, but even brighter. He was working at this restaurant. And I didnt know what to do when I saw him. He was just the greatest thing I had ever seen. Like, his hotness was insane crazy insane that I felt scared to even touch him in case I got burnt with his hotness. TSS. So, the next day I go back and I ask for a job. They werentgiving one away, so I told them that I am actually from THE STAR newspaper doing a cover on “minimum wage in Malaysia and it’s effects on modern globalization”
I had no fucking idea what it blinking meant, but to the owner, it sounded impressive so he signed me up for a week. AHHHHAHAHH! I was ecstatic. So, I managed to talk to the guy. His voice was like… Ok, his voice sounded like BUDDHA+JESUS+BRAD+OPRAH all mixed into one. His words were like… Seriously I dont even remember what he said to me, but he definitely wasnt interested in me. As much as I want to hope and pray he definitely wasnt. I worked as a waiter, and he was behind the bar. I found out a few things about him, his email, phone number and ADDRESS. Hoho. I am a professional lover/stalker now. I hardly ever spoke to him; I just searched the restaurant’s computer for his details. Sometimes, I’m even scared of breathing near him. I don’t wanna take up his sacred oxygen. That will cause a serious unbalance to the world’s extinct population of hotness.
So after a week, I had to leave. But, I had his address!!!! And his number.. =O the same night I left my ‘cover job’ I went to MPH and bought this book about witchcraft. I then made a spell for love. The ingredients and actions were stupid as hell, but what the heck. I had to go out at 2 am to 7-11 and buy two packets of condoms. The book said that it was so that it will bless my future mind blowing sex with the guy. If that was the case, I’ll gladly buy every condom in Malaysia. So, I got the ingredients and burnt them, and then went to his house and spread the ashes on his front porch. His cat was sleeping on the top of his car, so I chucked some ash on its fur as well. The next thing I did was call him. I don’t know why I called him, I didn’t dare ask him out or anything, but I just wanted him so bad.
So basically, this was our conversation.
Me: HEY!!
Guy: Hello.
Me: Hi hi!
Guy: Err… Who’s this?
Me: Oh! Sorry! I am from the ministry of the city council. (wth does that mean???)
Guy: Oh… Ok. What can I do for you?
Me: We are running a project that needs current and accurate statistics from our community. I would like to ask you about your local… local… Indian temple.
Guy: What?
Me: Err. Local Indian temple.
Guy: Err. Ok.
Me: So, does the burning and smoke from the temple disturb you at all?
Guy: No.
Me: Does the smell from the coconut milk irritate you?
Guy: Err. No.
Me: How do you feel about free food that is given to the poor at the temple?
Guy: I think it is good.
Me: So, how do you feel about sex before marriage?
Guy: What??
Me: Thank you. Goodbye.
And I’ll put down the phone.
I did that only once. I didn’t dare call back in case he recognised my voice.
I also took photos of him working in the restaurant, and I printed it out on stickers, and every night, before I sleep, I stick a sticker on my lucky birth mark that is on my right buttock.
I have no idea what sort of music he likes, so I send him different cd’s every two weeks. I write a note on it saying it is from Or just crap something.
You know how you see in the movies, when your boyfriend’s girlfriend wants to surprise you at night when you are sleeping. So, I wanted to do that for him. He didnt know me at all, and it might be a lil creepy for him seeing a person he does not know at all below his window. But I dont care. I just had to do it. Ive seen it so many times in the movies, I just had to try it! So, I bought a bunch of red roses and candles and a fat big red ribbon. And I waited until it was 3.00 a.m. And then went to his house. And I tied the ribbon round my waist. (I AM THE PRESENT. Hoho.) And lit the candles and held the bunch of roses. Then I took the pebbles from the road and threw it at the first window I saw, which was right of the house door. (I HAD NO IDEA WHICH ONE WAS HIS WINDOW) I threw a small one first, but the window was too far and too high. So I figured if I threw a heavier one, by some bloody physics miracle+calculation, the energy would add up and cause the pebble to travel further. I threw a couple of times but missed. I kept on hitting the grill. So, I threw the last time and the bloody pebble hit his window and blinking made a hole through it. It didnt crack and break the whole window. It just made a hole in it. The lights went on, and I started freaking out. I ran, leaving the roses and the candles behind, with the stupid ribbon on my waist I ran.
I tihnk that pretty much sums up how much of an idiot I was. But I was so in love with him. Maybe it was just lust. But I wanted him so bad! After a couple of weeks, I walked by the restaurant and saw him with his hands over a girl, laughing like she had just made the world’s most fantastic joke. -.- there isn’t much space left to type, but I sorta found out where she lived. She had a tank of fish and a cute shih-tzu on her porch. I climbed over the gate in the middle of the night. (THANK BLOODY GOD THERE IS NO SENSOR ALARM. I TESTED FIRST BY THROWING TOILET ROLLS OVER THE GATE) I gave the dog a hair cut… Hahha. Like a ridiculous haircut. And then I pulled two of her fishes out of the tank and brought it home with me. In case they ever do get married, I will cook the fish and eat it to their celebration.”

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