London Bridge Fell Down Because I Was Too Fat

London, home of the English Premier League, Spice Girls and Nuff Nang (the slang, not the blog advertising company).

London has certainly got a lot going for it.
The Queen lives in it. Leona Lewis lives in it. Mr Bean lives in it.
Not to mention four years from now, the city will host the 30th Olympic Games.

It’s undeniable that London is a city people hold with high regard.
As a status symbol, fashion labels often list London as one of the cities where their presence are felt. More often than not, you see big labels proclaiming themselves such as “Topman – London, Paris, New York”
Very rarely do you see them go “Topman – London, Paris, New York, Kuching

If I had any regrets about my trip to London, it is that I didn’t managed to spend enough time there.
Of course, I went to visit the few must-see famous tourist landmarks.

Like the Big Ben and the Westminster Palace, where the British parliament presides.
All I could think about is that it blew up in the movie V for Vendetta.

Saw the Tower Bridge, also mistakenly known around the world as the London Bridge.

Went to Trafalgar Square and molested the lions.

Doing the royal wave

Visited Buckingham Palace, where The Queen lives.

Well, actually I only went as far as the palace gates.
Tickets into the palace are 15 pounds (RM100) and we could’ve gone in if we wanted to, provided we booked in advance. But we didn’t, so all we did was look at the ‘toy soldiers’ standing outside.

These royal guards used to stand at the outside of the fence where mischevious tourists could make funny faces in front of them. Supposedly, they are so well disciplined that they will not move, laugh, bat an eyelid or get an erection no matter what you do to them.
Then again, some tourists are also a bit too much lah. I heard stories about the soldiers having to put up with tourists blowing cigarette smoke in their face, placing banana skins on the ground, or even sticking an orange inside the gun’s barrel.
Eventually they smartened up and moved the guards into the palace grounds out of reach from the tourists.

Gotta wonder what’s up with the furry black hat though.
Not sure if it’s meant to intimidate, but if I was the enemy I’d surely die laughing.

The London Eye is one of the newer London attractions.
I paid 15 pounds (RM100) for a 30 minute ride up the bicycle wheel to get a bird’s eye view of the city. I tried getting the girls to come with me as well but they were like, “What’s so special? Singapore also have what!”
Well, it’s different lah! In London, you can see lots of old church. In Singapore, you can only see Orchard.

Admittedly, it’s a kinda overpriced.
To be honest it was terribly unexciting as well. Pretty much, the only reason I went was because our Olympic cyclist Josiah Ng proposed to his fiance Kim Ong and I thought it was awfully romantic.

Salvador Dali sculptures can be spotted outside the Dali museum next to the London Eye.
Now, I never really understood much of Dali’s artworks. Like, what’s up with the headless armless naked girl with the golden egg in the middle?
But then I noticed something about the sculpture that amused me to no end.

Some stupid spider went and built a web around her crotch!
Poor girl must be not having “it” for a long time.

I like how London has its own trademark identity. The Tube, the red double-decker bus and the red-coloured telephone booth are just few of the things that are distinctively London.
The phone booths aren’t as innocent as it seems though. Inside almost every single one of them, there are stickers promoting “services” catering to all kinds of fetish.

Blonde, brunette, lesbians.

Or even trannies if that’s the kinda stuff that rocks your boat. 😉
One thing I really liked about London is that some of the best museums and art galleries in the world are located here, and they’re all free of charge.

While the girls went off shopping at Primark, I popped by the Natural History Museum to visit some…

The museum is really quite exciting, if you’re a nerd. Never in my life have I seen such an extensive collection of dinosaur skeletons. They have almost all the species from Jurassic Park on display, and more.

The only dinosaur they don’t have is the Dickonosaurus. Too bad, because the only person in possession of that is me. Hehe.

Coincidentally, while I was there, the London Fashion Week was happening right outside the Natural History Museum.
Security stopped anyone from coming anywhere close to the action, but I heard Baywatch star Pamela Anderson was there too which I found very funny.

Apprently the museum has so much dinosaurs that it’s even attracting living dinosaurs.
Anyway, the Natural History Museum is a great educational fun place for kids. Apart from dinosaurs, it also has an interesting section on human biology.
There, Little Johnny can find answers to all the difficult questions bugging him in life. Questions such as, “Where do babies come from?”

The answer Little Johnny is looking for comes in “zombie porn”.

Harrod’s in Knightsbridge is another place I highly recommended going.

Here’s the thing. You don’t go to Harrod’s for shopping though because everything there is too bloody hell expensive.
Like I bought three donuts from the Krispy Kreme instore and the bill came up to 3.60 pounds (RM 23)! Sweet Jesus Mohammed Al-Fayed! For that price, I’d expect somebody to feed me and wipe my mouth.

Instead, head over to the luxury washrooms on the 1st floor and help yourself to some designer perfumes, free of charge.

On a more sombre note, the basement of Harrod’s has an Egyptian-themed shrine dedicated to Princess Diana and her boyfriend Dodi Al-Fayed, the son of the chairman of Harrod’s.

Encased inside a glass pyramid in front is a wine glass, still smudged with Diana’s lipstick from the couple’s last dinner.
Also in it, is an engagement ring. Dodi purchased the ring just a day before they died in that tragic car accident.

A city as large as London has so much to offer that I can’t help but to feel that I’m missing out if I only stuck to the tourist route.
At night when the shops are closed, I went out with the Tiger Beer people to check out Shoreditch’s infamous nightlife.

First stop, the Great Eastern Dining Room.
This restaurant serves Asian food catered to western palates.
Normally I find angmoh serving Asian food a bit suspicious, but dinner here was easily the best we have had throughout our time in London. I love it so much that when I came back for it the next day, it’s already fully booked out.

Over dinner, I learnt the truth about Dawn Yang, my travel partner for one week.
You may have heard those nasty rumours circulating about her on the Internet. Well, I witnessed it first hand.
And yes, I can confirm that the rumours are true…

Dawn eats. A LOT.
She eats so much even I got scared.
Whoever said models starve themselves has certainly not met Dawn Yang. While everyone was satiated after just eating one pork rib, our girl polished off at least EIGHT of those in one go!

How she managed to maintain her slim figure I have no idea. I am twice her weight and only ate half as much as she did that evening! Bravo, girl.
After dinner, we crossed the road to Shoreditch’s finest Cantaloupe bar.

This shabby yet chic bar has proved popular with the young professionals working around the area. It’s a Friday night and the clientele is a strange mix of jeans, heels and people in their work clothes. In a corner, the DJs spinned up kickass chillhouse music to complement the lively chatty atmosphere.
The only bummer about Cantaloupe is that you gotta walk damn far to reach the toilets, only to find this sign.

What drink do you order when you’re out in pub with a bunch of people who works Tiger Beer?

Why, Tiger beer of course! 😉
Asian beers like Tiger are actually considered premium brands over here. While it’s common to buy four bottles for RM20 here in Kuching, poor Londoners are paying something like 3 pounds (RM20) for just ONE bottle. How lucky we are.

To get us to the next destination, Tiger Beer arranged for us a tuk tuk!
Fancy riding a tuk tuk in London? Hell yeah!

It’s incredibly bizarre sitting in a tuk tuk, cruising down the streets of LONDON as red double-decker bus and black cabs whizzed past by.
When we arrived at our destination, instead of saying “Sawadeekap! You want buy suit? Massage? I give you good price!”, our driver simply went ” ‘ere ya go mate, ‘ave a good evening!” in full-on Bri’ish accent.
Something doesn’t quite match over here.

This is Dawn Yang – The Far East’s most desirable export since 1932.

Our next stop is Juno, where Tiger Translate artists Monorex did their Secret Wars live graffiti art battle.

Again, although I personally preferred the right hand side’s sarcastic artwork, the crowd cheered louder for left and he won.
Next stop, Koko!

Stupid big-boobed British chick blocked my camera

This is one of the most awesome and popular clubs in London.
Koko is housed inside a century-old theatre that used to host shows by Charlie Chalpin and Madonna.

It has since been converted into a party venue where, when big names like Coldplay and Mika aren’t holding concerts, independent UK bands rock the live audience crazy with their original gigs.

Our time in London was short, but at least I’ve experienced both the tourist and local sides of London. Still, I reckon there is so much more of London left to explore. 13-hour plane rides aside, I’m not gonna hesitate coming back here again if the opportunity arises.
To finish off this entry, I must relate to you this conversation I had with a Leonado diCaprio look-a-like French dude outside Cantaloupe bar.

This one is for you Cheesie. I know how much you dig French guys. 😉

Leonardo: Hey man, where are you from?
Kenny: I’m from Malaysia.
Leonardo: Malaysia? Where’s that?
Kenny: Well, you know where Singapore is?
Leonardo: Yeah, I know Singapore. I’ve been there.
Kenny: And do you know where Thailand is?
Leonardo: Yeah, of course! I’ve been to Phuket and Bangkok before.
Kenny: Well, Malaysia is sorta between Thailand and Singapore.
Leonardo: Oh, ok. I’ve never heard of Malaysia.
Kenny: But that’s only part of Malaysia though. I’m from Sarawak, which is on a whole different island.

Leonardo: Really? Sarawak!?
Leonardo: I know where Sarawak is. That’s on Borneo Island, right?

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Tiger Translate 2008: London

Nine artists, six countries, three days and countless bottles of beer and paint later, the event I came to London for has finally drawn to a close.

Saturday 20th September was showtime for Tiger Translate London. The artists have slogged through day and night to produce the kind of work that’ll earn them exposure and recognition, and now they get to showcase their work in the global city of London.
We arrived at Hearn Street carpark just as the workers are putting their finishing touches on this unusual art exhibition venue.

Adoring the walls of this indoor-carpark-turned-art-exhibition are works by current and previous Tiger Translate regional competition winners.
The number of displays at the venue were modest, but there was plenty to command my attention. It’s cool also that Malaysia was well represented with three pieces from our very own artists, including this one by a Dennis Juan Ma.

Dennis is also the guy responsible in producing this year’s flyer for Tiger Translate.
But my favourite piece has gotta be this one by Mongolian artist Badral Bold. It is his unique interpretation of the theme ‘Voyage’ that earned him the ticket to London.

I know it doesn’t look like much in pictures, but upon closer inspection I noticed something quite unusual about it.
See those hairy orange stuff in the middle of the painting? Those, my friends, are actually HORSE HAIR!

REAL horse hair!
Badral has a fine arts background and he’s been getting a lot of acclaim back in his home country. London was his chance to show off what he is capable of to people outside Mongolia. With this piece, Badral illustrated the bridging of cultures between East and West. And what better way to do it with some fine Mongolian horse hair.
I didn’t ask which part of the horse he got the hair from though.

Right smack in the middle of the entrance is the perspex glass by UK street artist EINE and Danish architect Andreas Kjaergaard.
One side of the glass, EINE wrote “LONDON’S CALLING.”.

London called him alright. Ironically, he got a phone call halfway through and had to rush off to respond to a family matter. Andreas was left with the perspex glass, who painted the other side with what he thinks Londoners are calling out about.
Not sure if Andreas deliberately left it unfinished.

Either he didn’t have enough time, or there’s some kinda deeper meaning behind his work. Like how London is so diverse, different and multicultural.
Quietly sitting next to Andrea and EINE’s work is the iconic black London cab, or at least, what resulted after Pure Evil (UK), Ben Qwek (Singapore) and Mee Wong (China) vandalised it.
If you remember, three days ago, the cab looked like this.

This is how pimped out it looks like right now.

Notice the figurine of the prancing horse and the words “Mongolian Express” in front of the car?
It is a tribute to fellow Tiger Translate artist Badral Bold from Mongolia.
The fact that Badral comes from a place where horse-drawn carriages are a common mode of transportation fascinated Pure Evil so much that he dedicated this taxi to him.

The passenger side of the car is dominated by Pure Evil’s monstrosity of a tiger.
Not sure where he got his inspiration from. I thought it looked like either a tiger on steroids, or what happened when Venom from Spiderman 3 drank Tiger Beer.

On the other side of the car, Ben added his touch of Japanese and Chinese culture influenced paintings.

Right at the back, Mee Wong drew two cute little pandas eating Chinese Xiao Long Paos.
But knowing how Mee Wong always eroticises her artwork, I knew she ain’t just gonna draw a normal Xiao Long Pao.
Take a closer look at them.

Yes, your eyes fooled you not.
Those are breast-shaped Xiao Long Paos!

We left for a break and returned to the carpark at 8pm.
As night fell and guests streamed in, Hearn Street Carpark slowly transformed from a quiet art gallery into one big party hall.

In keeping with the Tiger Translate theme of ‘Voyage’, Monorex (UK) painted this excellent mural to welcome the guests at the entrance.
With comfortable sofas to sit on all over the place and spotlights creatively lighting up the venue, that manky old carpark I saw during daytime suddenly turned into something completely different.

Heck, they even parked some tuk-tuks outside to attract the crowd!

The taxi received quite a lot of attention. One guy even offered to buy it for 2,000 pounds (RM9,000) but Tiger Beer is not selling it just yet.
They had a better idea.

Pure Evil suggested taking it for a road trip from London, UK to Ulan Bataar, Mongolia.

Sure sounds quite like an adventure, but unless they overhauled the engine, I don’t think I’m gonna bet my life on the roadworthiness of that old vehicle.

Towards the far end of the carpark, Udisha (India), Ben (Singapore) and Badral (Mongolia) showcased their spontaniety when it comes to art.
Painting in front of a live audience, they finished the large canvas earlier contributed by all of Tiger Translate London’s artists.

Indian graphic designer Udisha dominated a large portion of the canvas.
She first painted “Time For Tiger“, Tiger Beer’s old slogan, as roots of a tree in black and white. As if to underscore the brand’s growth through time, she painted the new slogan “It’s Tiger Time” in colourful stylised letters on top of it.

At Hearn Street carpark, it wasn’t just the artists that were hard at work.
The guests who attended the event weren’t just sitting around drinking beer either. They were given little tiles of canvas to paint and to hang on the wall.

It sure didn’t take long for the wall till fill up with everyone’s artwork. I didn’t even had a chance to paint my own tile dammit!

Try to see if you can spot the Malacca flag on the lower-right hand side of the wall, done by Claudine Yap, a Malaccan living in London whom I met up with to eat roast duck in Bayswater that costs 9 pounds (RM55) per plate.

As Thai band Circle 22 rocked the crowd at Hearn Street carpark, a couple of familiar faces began rocking up as well.

This is Jasiminne the Penguin, whacky as always, leaping onto her tall curly-haired man friend.
Those long time readers who’ve been following should remember Jasiminne. She used to be quite a hit until she quietly disappeared off the blogging scene after she moved to London, so it’s great to catch up with old friends again.
On a totally unrelated note, I swear her boyfriend Daniel looks EXACTLY like singer Josh Groban.
Don’t believe?

Here’s proof.
(And I am so gonna get killed for this.)
With old friends as company, I finally took my eyes off the art for a while. I checked out the crowd in attendance.

I thought Tiger Translate, being an independent underground arts exhibition, would attract more hippies and stereotypical artsy fartsy homosexuals. Quite surprisingly, not only were the crowd at Hearn Street carpark a mix of sophisticated and hip-and-casual souls, they also included many people across different ages, races and background.
Some came looking like a supermodel.

Others wore apple-bottom jeans, boots with the fur. The whole crowd was looking at her.

She hit the floor, next thing you know, her hand hurts.

The highlight of Tiger Translate came in the form of something called Secret Wars.
It is a live graffiti arts battle created by UK collective Monorex. And the way it works is pretty awesome.

Two teams of two artists get a white canvas each.
Working in front of a live audience, they must completely decorate the canvas with graffiti within a time limit of 90 minutes. When the buzzer rings, the team who gets the loudest cheer from the crowd wins.

Usually the teams would draw something sarcastic or insulting towards the other team, but they pretty much got a free reign on what they wanted to draw.
Due to time restrictions, the teams would not be able to coordinate or plan anything among themselves. The teams were only given black paint, so if they made a mistake, too bad.

Anyway, Team A on the left squared off against Team B on the right.
The crowd was enthusiastic, glueing themselves to the canvas for the whole 90 minutes as if they’re watching a football match between Arsenal and Man United. At the end of 90 minutes, this was the result of Tiger Translate London’s Secret Wars.

Not bad for an impromptu work done only by four people.
Although I personally preferred the cleaner artwork on the left, graffiti is meant to be messy and the crowd rightfully cheered for Team B to win.

I left when the live shows concluded around midnight, although many chose still stayed on and party till dawn (including Dawn who karaoked till morning came).
Tiger Translate was definitely an experince that was different from anything I’ve experienced in the past. I have been to many galleries and art exhibitions, but they’ve always been modern and contemporary, and none of them was as hip and underground as this one was.

Sure, a lot of focus was placed on street art and all the artists have names I had never even heard of before. But wandering through the makeshift gallery of Hearn Street carpark, I can’t help but to feel that there is an undeniable sense that these works, for all their different mediums, approach and styles, are bound by a shared spirit of togetherness.
And that, in a world like today, is unfortunately something we always take for granted.

I’m heading home to Kuching!

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Meeting Of The Tiger Translate Artists

I know I hadn’t updated for quite a while.
The whole trip to London has been quite a frenetic mix of drama and fun. I’m enjoying every minute of my time over here, although I certainly wished I had a bit more free time to explore the sights of this amazing global city.
I’m staying in the borough of Islington, north of the city and not far away from Arsenal Football Club’s Emirates Stadium. Unfortunately Arsenal is not playing at their home stadium this weekend. Of course, that certainly didn’t stop me from wearing my Chelsea jersey around town, although I must say I got a few angry stares from diehard Arsenal fans in the pub.
Preparation for Tiger Translate is more or less going well underway. The Eastern and Western artists met each other on Wednesday. For the past two days they have been working hard on their Tiger-themed East-meets-West collaboration.
The up-and-coming artists representing ‘The East’ are Udisha Kumar from India.
Ben Qwek from Singapore, Mee Wong from China.
Badral Bold from Mongolia.
And Andreas Kjaergaard from Denmark.
Representing ‘The West’ are Pure Evil, best known for his dark sarcastic artwork.
HiCalorie, with his signature cute and cartoonish illustration.
Street graffiti artists EINE and Monorex. all of them high profile underground artists from the UK.
A number of media from Asia has descended onto London for Tiger Translate. Myself and Dawn Yang both specially flown in to blog about the event.
London, in particular the suburb of Shoreditch, seems like the perfect city to host this arts event. The art scene here is simply amazing. Londoners have a great admiration of creativity and people who can think outside the box.
Over here, street art is appreciated, not abhorred. Wall graffiti is seen as a form of beautification, not vandalism. A lot of credit goes to the artists themselves, who spent immense amount of hours and effort creating these images.
Yesterday, we had a first-hand look of the artists beginning their collaboration work.
EINE (UK) and Andreas (Denmark) were given a piece of transparent perspex glass. On one side, EINE painted “LONDON’S CALLING” with his signature block letters. On the other side, Andreas contemplated how to respond to that.
“If London is calling, what is it saying?”
In a carpark not far nearby, Pure Evil (UK), Ben Qwek (Singapore) and Mee Wong (China) began transforming the iconic London black cab into a product of their collective imagination.
The tree has very different artistic style. Pure Evil style is always sarcastic and sinister. Ben’s artwork involves a lot of fairies and mythical females, whereas Mee Wong’s style is always somewhat feminine and sexual.
It’s gonna be interesting to see what the black London cab is gonna turn into.
Meanwhile, back in the studio, the clash in artistic differences is becoming even more obvious.
Badrul (Mongolia) and HiCalorie (UK) were showing each other their portfolio. HiCalorie showed Badrul all the cute cute cartoons that he has done.
Badrul on the other hand, showed him this.
Badrul doesn’t speak any English. But through a translator, he explained to HiCalorie that the picture is a collection of female vaginas, which he represented as sea shells!
Together with Udisha (India) and Ben (Singapore), this long piece of canvas will eventually be morphed into a work of art.
With four artists from four drastically different background working on it, no one knows for sure what the finished artwork is gonna look like.
Is Badrul gonna draw a vagina on HiCalorie’s teddy bear? I dunno. But we shall see tomorrow night at the main event! 😛
One thing for sure, these artists are incredibly talented. And for unknown artists like Badrul or Mee Wong, Tiger Translate just might be the platform they’re looking for, to propel their artwork from hazy obscurity into mainstream acceptance.
And that’s what I call, a good Tiger! 😉

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Prelude To Tiger Translate London

Passport – checked. Pound sterlings – packed. Travel guide to London – read.
Yes, I am jetting off to London to escape the recent spate of ISA arrests, learn about “agriculture” and perhaps drink some beer in the process.
No lah, I’m lying. I’m just going to London to drink beer, attend an arts festival, enjoy live music and look at artists from different parts of the world coming together to squeeze their collective creative juices.
The festival I’ll be attending in London is called Tiger Translate.
Tiger Translate is an initiative by Tiger Beer to showcase the work of the best undiscovered artists from Asia in the fields of visual art, graffiti, photography, music, fashion and illustration.

Tiger Translate Auckland

Previously, this festival was held across the world at such luminous global cities as New York, Berlin and Beijing. London is their seventh stop thus far.

Tiger Translate Berlin

But there is one thing that sets this festival apart from the rest. The essence of Tiger Translate is the intense focus of cross-cultural collaboration between East and West, and an opportunity for the Asian artists to work with high profile international artists in their respective fields.

Pure Evil’s (UK) intepretation of Heath Ledger’s The Joker

The way it works is like this.
A couple of weeks before going to London, up-and-coming artists from Asian countries were introduced to their more well-established counterparts from the international arena.

Udishma Kumar for India submitted this entry and got himself selected as a Tiger Asian Kinetic Artist (AKA) for Tiger Translate London

The two artists would NOT have met face to face. Instead, they have to communicate via e-mail to discuss how to transform something ordinary like a sofa, a fridge, or a lamp into extraordinary pieces of art.
Imagine a street artist from Mongolia teaming up with a sculptor from Denmark, or perhaps a computer graphic animator from China producing a music video for a UK rock band.

An Australia-China collaboration that fetched a cool price tag of USD$10,000!

The Asian and international artists are only gonna meet each other four days before the public showcase when they all fly in and gather at the host city of London. Then, with the limited amount of time and possibly language barrier that they have, the two artists must work through day and night to complete their collaborative artwork in time for the grand finale.
Kinda like me finishing my last minute assignments back in Uni.

Street art by Monorex (UK), one of the international artists

A stellar line-up of British artists have already been introduced, featuring EINE, Monorex, Hicalorie and PureEvil. They are set to collaborate with unknown Asian artists from China, Mongolia, India and Singapore found through a series of intense competition over the past few months. The artists will finish their work in front of a live audience on the night of the grand finale. Meanwhile a rock band and DJs will crank up the party mood.
Normally art fests are held inside some snobbishly pretentious art gallery right? Well, not this one. 🙂
Of all places, the grand finale of Tiger Translate London will gonna be held inside an abandoned CARPARK at the fashionable district of Shoreditch, London.
This unusual venue is where the artists will showcase their finished artwork, a reflection their intepretation of East-meets-West. Then we can all drink Tiger Beer, admire the artwork and listen to live music. There are gonna be some fun stuff to do as well, like creating a mosaic effect on a wall, and get this – leave a graffiti on the iconic black London cab!
If there are any readers in London, of course you guys can come down and join us at the event next Saturday. It’s free of charge after all.
Besides, this is perhaps your only chance of vandalising a cab without going to jail for it.
The theme for Tiger Translate London is VOYAGE.
And it’s about time for me to finish this entry and rush to the airport for my VOYAGE to London.

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Ah Mad Strikes Back

The saga continues. This time, it involves tearing up a picture of his state leader.

Defiant Ahmad demands apology

“I urge the Chinese not to become like American Jews!”

“Consider this a warning! Do not push us, or we will be forced to push the Chinese for our own survival!”

After the press conference, several supporters brought down from the wall a picture of Dr Koh.

And proceeded to smash it to pieces.

For his theatrics, Ah Mad Is Mail was suspended for three years. Amazing.
That must be the Prime Minister’s first good decision in like his 5 years in power.

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Indian Game Shows Are Awesome

I thought Japanese game shows were entertaining, but this one takes the cake.

There’s this game show in India called Dadagiri. Contestants have to survive three rounds of insults by the show’s bullies and compete against each other to win 50,000 Rupees (RM4,000) in cash prize.
The woman in the video is Esha The Goddess – the self-proclaimed “meanest, nastiest girl from college” and quite possibly the Indian version of Xiaxue.
Her job is to put down the contestants and she particularly hates people with ugly faces.

Part One: Watch this first. It’s in English. (1 min)

So in this particular episode, Esha yelled against one male contestant. She slapped him. HE SLAPPED HER BACK. She took it like a man. Meanwhile the whole entire 65,374 crew members surrounded the male contestant and proceeded to rip his non-existent balls out while he cried like a bitch.

Part Two. The Slap. (2 min)

If this is not TV gold, I don’t know what is.
I have only one thing to say after watching the clip.

How can she slap? HOW CAN SHE SLAP?

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Chinese Squatter

Recently, an Umno leader called Malaysian Chinese “squatters” who do not deserve equal rights in this country.
Based on news reports, this is what I think of his actions afterwards. No words are necessary.

“MCA Youth want apology from Umno chief for racist statement”

“Ahmad elusive after racist talk”

“Even PM couldn’t reach Ahmad”

“Ahmad didn’t mean it, says Abdullah”

“Najib: Umno apologises”

“Chinese leaders: It’s Ahmad who must say sorry”

“Ahmad refuses to apologise”

There is no hope for this country.

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Thalgo Seaweed Wrap And Full Body Fish Spa Review

Every inch of my body was lovingly sucked and kissed at Eve Spa.

Unfortunately, it’s not what you think.
I’m talking about the fish spa phenomenom, which seems to be all the rage these days. Three years ago, if you had told me you paid RM40 to dip your legs in an aquarium for some fish to nibble on your dead skin, I’d say you’re crazy.
Other people pay RM40 to go restaurant eat fish, and you pay RM40 to let the fish to eat you?
What is wrong with you?!

But fish spas have invaded day spas across the country. In fact, they are so common place nowadays that people are no longer satisfied with fish sucking dead skin off their feet. Dead skins are found all over the body, so what about them?
Suddenly, somebody came up with the idea of having a full body fish spa.

Eve Spa in Solaris, Mont Kiara is one of the better places in KL offering full body fish spa. It was a hot afternoon and since I had the whole day to myself, I also signed up for their interestingly named Thalgo Seaweed Wrap, which costs RM298 per session.
Ordering a “seaweed wrap” sounded like I’m asking to be made into a sushi. But from what I know, it’s a luxurious spa treatment that normally costs quite a lot in 5-star hotels.
First, for my full body fish spa, I was ushered me into this private bathroom by a lovely attendant named Selena. Inside this room, is a bath tub filled with a bunch hungry Ching Ching fish.

The fish were all extremely happy to see me.
And why not? It is not everyday they get somebody my size entering their bathtub. If I listened closely, I bet I could hear them cheer, “Yay! The buffet is coming!”

Before this, I had only done fish spa for my feet, so I didn’t quite know what to expect. Apparently, or so I thought, I was supposed to strip naked and enter the bathtub. But then, I’m not sure if entering the bathtub naked might bring about some unforeseen issues.
Like, are the fish gonna bite my dick off?
Will I get pregnant if the fish enter my butthole?
And if I fart inside the bathtub, will the fish DIE?

Luckily, all my worries immediately evaporated when I heard Selena said, “Must wear your swimming trunks ok!”
I think my facial expression in the picture above sums up how it felt when I entered the bath tub.
Yes, it was very ticklish. And if you thought having fish sucking on your legs was hard to bear, imagine hundreds of them nibbling ALL OVER your body.

I must have yelled and laughed and screamed so much I lost my all my senses and became numb.
But it was a great feeling. For someone like me who’s prone to mild cases of psoriasis (where my skin gets flaky easily), clearing the dead skin once every few months helps my condition.

With my body fully exfoliated by the fish from head to toe (except the part covered by my swimming trunk), I showered and put on a bathrobe. I was then led by Selena to the treatment room for my Thalgo Seaweed Wrap.
Again, this was my first time doing a “Seaweed Wrap” so I had no idea what to expect. They said it’s for detox and skin-tightening, and God knows I need both of those desperately.

As I lied there on the bed, I wondered if they’re gonna bring in big-ass sheets of seaweed and wrap me up like a sushi.
Thankfully, the reality was more merciful.
A LOT more merciful.

The process started with not just one, but TWO girls simultaneously rubbing some kinda cooling lotion all over my legs, my thighs, my chest, my back. I was in heaven.
Now, most guys in my position would’ve got really excited at this point and umm… starts singing Negaraku. With their head. Downstairs.
Trust me, it was very hard to control myself, but luckily I maintained myself without any incidences.

With four soft hands molesting my rotund body , Selena flipped me over and gave me a back massage so soothing that I literally knocked myself out and dozed off into la-la-land. And I slept.

Now, for all you dirty-minded folks out there, sorry to disappoint you but there was no “happy ending” in this massage.
What followed, however, was a pretty weird ending.

You see, after the massage, Selena disappeared through the door and came back with a bowl of powdery mixture.
“It’s the Thalgo seaweed powder,” she said.
Of course, it didn’t look anything like the seaweed that I had imagined. But after she added hot water, this is what it looked like.

I know, that muddy green substance does not look very appealing. Then again, it is made out of marine algae you see.
To clear up any doubts that the mixture is made from real seaweed, I took a whiff at the bowl and yes, that strong funky smell tells me it can only come from the sea.

I was told to lie down and Selena proceeded to paint the muddy seaweed liquid all over me.
It was the weirdest thing I had ever done at a spa.
At first I thought I looked like a giant sushi. Then I saw I had so much green stuff on my body that I felt like I was The Incredible Hulk.

But that was not all.
As if I didn’t already look funny enough covered in green seaweed liquid, Selena and her assistant wrapped me up with plastic paper. Already alarm bells are ringing and inside my head, I was thinking, “What are you trying to do!? ‘Tapao’ sushi is it?”

At this point I was starting to sweat quite a bit. But that was not all. The whole process just keeps getting stranger and stranger.
After I was covered in green stuff and wrapped in plastic paper, Selena took up this HUGE aluminium-coloured body bag from underneath the mattress.
She then put the cover over me and zipped me up. Like this.

Then she left!
So there I was lying inside the aluminium body bag just laughing to myself thinking, “OI! Is this some kinda joke?”
“What did I do wrong lah! Did I offend someone at Thalgo and this is their way of getting back at me? Or maybe this is Selena’s tactic of trapping her customers so they couldn’t leave without paying?”

It was the funniest thing ever. I was wondering if Selena had anything more up her sleeves. Until suddenly I felt the body bag beginning to heat up.
It was getting pretty hot. With me inside, the body bag continued to heat up more and more, until it was like hotter than THE SUN.
Okay, maybe not the sun. But my body was being cooked inside the bag and for the next thirty minutes, all I did I was sweat.
This wasn’t exactly what I imagined a “seaweed wrap” to be. I was sweating so much I could feel a puddle forming beneath me, and the truth is, I can’t help but to think that they were gonna make me into some sorta Kenny Soup.

Thankfully, Selena and her assistant eventually returned to free me up from the body bag. By then, I must have sweated out like, A TON.
Whatever toxins that was in my body must have completely flushed out. The best part is, I looked like I just disgustingly shat all over myself.

Anyway, shower and a hot herbal tea later, I was finally cleansed and freshened up.
As strange as the treatment was, I actually enjoyed it a lot. No doubt I can feel the difference as soon as I finished.

Getting painted with seaweed mud may sound like a odd ritual to some, but it was also one of the most effective spa treatments I ever had. Who knew being wrapped in seaweed could feel so good?
I know, because after 2.5 hours of pampering, I walked out of the spa completely relaxed, re-energised, rejuvenated.

And reborn as one giant sushi roll.

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