Fuck Melbourne. Have You Seen The Kuching Shuffle?!

THE TIME…   Sunday, 24th April 2005.
THE PLACE…  outside Hock Lee Centre.

Security guards… what are they laughing about? Why aren’t they doing their job?

Something was amiss.
Something wasn’t right.
A grand total of THREE security guards have set up a yellow barricade outside the shopping mall. Normally they’d be scratching their balls waiting for the time to go home. This was not normal. Something big must be happening. What’s going on?
My heart was thumping. My hands were shaking. Beads of sweat were forming on my forehead as I approached them slowly in anticipation.
And then I saw it.
I saw…
The Man…
The Machine…
The Phenomenal…


Kuching Shuffle

Behold… the one and only Kuching Shuffler!

Yes that’s right all you Melbourne Shuffling freaks out there. You can take your fancy pants and talcum powder and shove it up your ass. If you think you’ve revolutionalized the clubbing scene, THINK AGAIN. Yeah, yeah, you may have your big-ass dance clubs and your world famous DJs. But I’m telling you, its prime time you FEAR the Kuching Shuffle because dammit we’re taking the world by storm!
What’s this Zouk thing you’re talking about? We don’t need that. All we need is our cheap red shirt, cheap short pants and the cheapest sandals we can find from Bata. Grab the nearest visually-impaired busker with his electronic keyboard, and baby, we’re ready to SHUFFLE.
Kuching Shuffle

The Kuching Shuffler and DJ Blind – the best thing to have happened to the Kuching clubbing scene since Chivas and Green Tea

This is a momentous occasion for clubbers of Kuching and around the world. Which is why kennysia.com is introducing all new ‘maotee-media’ content in the form of downloadable videos!
(You do require Windows Media Player 9 or above to view WMV-format videos. If you haven’t got them installed, get them here. Do let me know if nothing is working.)
What are you waiting for?
Click to watch the ORIGINAL Kuching Shuffle video. (1.56 MB)

Kuching Shuffle
For a limited time only…
The Kuching Shuffle kennysia.com Remix. (2.07 MB)
The Kuching Shuffle kennysia.com Remix (Extended Edition). (6.88 MB)
Cower in fear now stupid Melbourne Shufflers.

Inspiration Alan Salon Review

Alan Salon
Inspiration Alan Salon is arguably the largest hair salon chain in Sarawak. The founder and lead hairstylist Alan Ch’ng first started operations in Miri and, over the next 15 years, opened up 7 outlets in Sarawak and 1 in KL, teaching many up-and-coming hairdressers and earning multiple awards himself in the process.
Alan Salon

Apart from hair salons, Alan also runs two restaurants in Miri, serving specialty dishes such as Roasted Pony Tails, Steamed Braided Buns and Curly Fried Hair.

Alan’s base in Kuching is located at Hock Lee Centre. Prominently displayed at its entrance is a collage of photos featuring Alan’s appearances at various hairshows, as well as photos of him doing the hair of Miss World contestants from a while back. (Gee, I sometimes wish I were doing those Miss World contestants as well.) With such impressive portfolio, I couldn’t help but to entrust them in fixing up the same ol’ hairstyle I’ve been wearing for the past 22 years.

Looks more like a department store than a hair salon

The salon’s interior design is enough to make you feel like a superstar walking into your very own dressing room. They make really good use of colours, lighting and choice of furniture to create that fantastic star-like atmosphere. The place not only looks great but it smells great too. A lot of el-cheapo hair salons out there tend to stink worse than toilets. Not Alan’s.

Why are LCD Monitors required in a hairdressing place? I have no idea.

In the center of the salon is the Color Bar. I pretty sure that has something to do with cashing in on the youth’s penchant to change their hair colour these days.
LCD monitors are everywhere in the salon, some broadcasting MTV and others showcasing slides of the latest products by L’Oreal. Because you’re worth it. 🙂

God knows what service they have for an extra RM20 in their VIP Room

By Kuching’s standards, Alan’s prices is definitely the dearest I’ve seen thus far. I think its still reasonable because you do pay premium prices for premium services, and Alan Salon sure looks like they can deliver premium services.

Who’s that weirdo carrying a digital camera around everywhere he goes?

This is me before my haircut. Scruffy, haggard and unshaven.
Everytime I go to hair salons, I’d opt for a Cut & Wash and there’s a reason for that. After a hard week at work and barely getting enough sleep at home, there’s nothing more satisfying than having your hair washed and pampered by a seasoned professional.
See, usually when you get your hair washed, the hair salon throws in a complimentary a head, neck and shoulders massage as well – and that’s exactly what I’m after. Its true, getting your (upper) head massaged at the hair salon by some sweet young pretty sexy girl is the closest thing you can have to an affair, without actually committing adultery yourself!
Thank God for hair salons! I couldn’t wait. 🙂

What the foot?! Don’t they know that is a no-no to have a guy massaging another guy’s head?! Yalah yalah, I know I’m lucky because at least he’s massaging my upper head and not my lower head. BUT STILL! This is BLASPHEMY!
You know what the freakiest thing is?
He had the audacity to ask me, “So how? Is it hard enough for you?”
I almost ran away with shampoo still on my head.

Why does it seem like he’s enjoying the massage more than I am?

To his credit, his massage was good. I’m not saying I enjoyed it. But its good lah ok? Got power.
I’ve seen people rate restaurants and movies etc like they rate hotels – ie, they give them how many stars out of 5 stars. I’m tempted to use the same rating system for the massage. But then I thought, it shouldn’t have to be that complicated. In my opinion, a massage could only be rated into 3 grades:
(A) “Good.”
(B) “Average.”
(C) “Oi, you first day at work ah?!”
In this case, I’d say “Good.” But since they used a guy instead of a girl, I shall demote them to “Average.” Because they’re worth it.
Dimly lit

He said he wanted to ‘plug me’ into the Matrix

So after the shampoo I was led to a dimly lit room under the guise of “rinsing my hair”.
Its partitioned. No one could see us. There’s a place for me to lie down. And then it was just me, and him. I was scared. I should have worn double underwear.
Towel head

I survived the ordeal. My asshole is still a virgin.

Amazingly I turned out unharmed.
I noticed there’s a menu on my table. Apparently Alan Salon serves drinks and snacks to their customers as well. I reckon that’s a nice touch. All the items are reasonably priced. Their café latté for example costs merely RM3. I hadn’t had my caffiene fix for the day so I ordered a latté without hesitation.

Hairstylists must be paid really little. Why else do they look so skinny?

My appointed hairstylist is a professional called McPhee Vu. I was asked if I just wanted a straight haircut. Normally I’d say yes, but considering I’m paying so much for a premium hair cut, I replied “No lah. Feel free to do whatever you want to do with my hair. Be creative.”
As soon as I uttered those words, I looked at some of the hairstyles the staff there are sporting. And I regretted almost immediately.

George Michael’s long lost son sighted in Kuching

SHIT! If he made me look like that THEN HOW?!
Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, the café latté I ordered was served. And I could not believe my eyes.

Worst. Coffee. Ever.

Excuse me… What is a plastic spoon and a straw doing in my hot coffee? Why is my coffee lukewarm? Why is it served on a juice glass? You think I’m ordering ‘oleng juice’ is it?! I’m sorry but this is the sorriest excuse for a latté ever!
Goddammit if you don’t know what a café latté is, don’t put it on your menu. Its like going to a restaurant to eat Peking Duck and they serve you KFC instead. DOUBLE BLASPHEMY!!!

I had no idea what McPhee had up his sleeves.

Its a scary feeling having a haircut with absolutely no idea what I might end up looking like. My hair was at his mercy. Fifteen minutes later McPhee came up with a spiky hairdo – a drastically different hairstyle than the one I’m used to.
I’m not sure if I like it. I’m not even sure if I can get used to it. Its gonna feel odd not needing to comb my hair when I wake up in the morning.

Why do I always seem to have more hair after a haircut?!

Here’s a comparison of the old Kenny versus the new Kenny.
I honestly don’t know what to make of this new hairdo. On one hand I’m comfortable with my old hair, but on the other hand I wanted to try something new.
I reckon the new hairstyle looks funky. Too bad it also makes me look like a lala-zhai who spends 16 hours a day in arcade gaming centres. All I gotta do is dye my hair bright blond, wear a my shirt unbuttoned halfway, install some shiny silver accessories on me and I’d be well on my way to lalazhai-dom.

“KNN! CCB! What?! See what see?! Wanna fight ar!?”

What do you think?

Six Months Ago, Today

Today is the 27th April 2005. No there’s no major festivities going on.
But exactly six months ago on the 27th October 2004, is the day I knew my father contracted cancer. Exactly six months ago, the doctor estimated that my father has six months left to live.
Its been six months and shit, so much has changed already. As of this week, I’ve taken time off work to stay at home and care for my father full time. Reality is a bitch, but hey I’m still coping.
I don’t know whether I should be happy that my father has survived that six months, or feel sad because the worst may be coming near.
On a totally unrelated note, I’ve created some buttons for kennysia.com just because I feel like it. Yalah yalah I’m hoping that more people would link to me or something. It makes my balls bigger.

<a href="http://www.kennysia.com"><img src="http://externalimg.kennysia.com/kennysia80x15.gif" width="80" height="15"> </a>

<a href="http://www.kennysia.com"><img src="http://externalimg.kennysia.com/kennysia111x30.gif" width="111" height="30"> </a>

<a href="http://www.kennysia.com"><img src="http://externalimg.kennysia.com/kennysia200x50.jpg" width="200" height="50"> </a>

<a href="http://www.kennysia.com"><img src="http://externalimg.kennysia.com/kennysiab200x50.jpg" width="200" height="50"> </a>

<a href="http://www.kennysia.com"><img src="http://externalimg.kennysia.com/kennysia200x214.jpg" width="200" height="214"> </a>

Speaking of which, I really should re-design this site. Experienced bloggers would note that the design and layout of kennysia.com don’t differ much from MovableType‘s default settings. When I started, all I wanted to do is to start writing as soon as possible. 10 minutes of Photoshop later, the background and masthead of kennysia.com was born.
On other site related news, kennysia.com will be moving to a new host this coming weekend. The amount of bandwidth consumed this month alone is ball-shrinking. Its amazing considering the whole entire kennysia.com site is less than 50MB. I’m hoping that the transition will be smooth and sweet, but fingers crossed.
With bigger storage and more generous bandwidth allowance than the current host I’m on, I’m hoping I can showcase content beyond words and images. I captured a pretty funny video last week so I’m really itching to share it with you guys.
Hey, I’m seriously thinking about getting some of those T-shirts printed. 🙂
Err… proper updates tomorrow, can?
Today cannot make it lah.

Project Petaling Street T-Shirt Ideas

This entry is more of an inside-joke. Apologies in advance to those who don’t know what’s going on.
Project Petaling Street (PPS) is an online portal that aggregates the blogs of Malaysians and foreigners living in Malaysia. Unlike other generic blogging directories that merely list all blogs known, PPS is special in the sense that it automatically updates itself whenever one of its members’ blog is updated. Blogs that are dormant or on hiatus are automatically weeded out. The end result is a dynamic list of the latest Malaysian blog entries on petalingstreet.org

kennysia.com owes much of its initial success to Project Petaling Street

I’ve been a member of PPS for about four months now. Whilst I appreciate kennysia.com’s success is in large due to word of mouth, the fact is that this site wouldn’t be where it is today if it weren’t for its initial exposure on PPS.
Well, PPS will be celebrating its 2nd anniversary on the 23rd June, and co-founder Aizuddin has called on suggestions as to how to celebrate this momentous occasion. At the moment there seems to be an overwhelming support for the creation of Project Petaling Street T-shirts.
So as a token of appreciation I fired up Photoshop to see what I can come up with. Inspired by Sashi‘s comments, I came up with this geek tee.
PPS T-shirt
Well I don’t think its that nice really.
It looks good and all, but I don’t think that T-shirt has captured the essence of Malaysian blogs nor the vibrance of the Malaysian blogging community. True, PPS has brought us great blogs to read. More than that, PPS brought us real time news such as when the Earthquake hits. It also brought us entertaining, sensational real life stories like the Hustlergate Scandal. So here’s one T-shirt to commemorate that occassion.
One of the most best thing being part of such a fantastic blogging community is that you get to know people you’d probably won’t have a chance to meet under normal circumstances. It feels great knowing that friendships are forged online through blogs and that it sometimes crossed over into real life. One of the nicest people I’ve met through PPS is minishorts, and here’s her dedication to me in case you all missed it. In return, here’s my dedication to her.
Whilst new friendships are forged through PPS, enemies are made through PPS as well. Over the past four months, I lost count of the number of flames and so-called blog wars I’ve witnessed. Luckily I’ve never been part of them, which is odd considering I write a lot of offensive stuff. Sometimes even posting something as seemingly innocent as criticising other bloggers’ choice of background colour can be flame-inviting, unwittingly sparking harsh “counter-entries” in other blogs.
And entry about the Malaysian blogging community wouldn’t be complete without a mention of Malaysia’s M.I.B. Jeff Ooi. I got to give him credit. I’ve compared him to Andy Lau and made fun of his tendencies to use ‘little birds’ in his entries and yet he’s sporting enough not to get upset over jokes like that. He has my respect. And for that, I created this girly T-shirt dedicated to him.
Of course, when compared to our Singaporean counterparts we seem a little lacklustre as don’t really have big-name celebrity bloggers like Mr Brown, Popagandhi or the ever-so-popular XiaXue with her LocalBrand T-shirt endorsement deals and all that. But that’s ok. We’re happy with what we got, right?
You know what the best thing is? All the items above can be purchased easily from my CafePress store!
Of course I won’t be rushing to order them lah because honestly speaking they’re quite expensive. If it were up to me, I’d wait till someone from the real Petaling Street copy my design, THEN I’ll buy it. 😉
Happy Birthday to the team behind Project Petaling Street, in advance.

Guang Liang ‘Tong Hua’ Showcase – Kuching 2005

A little bird told me that Guang Liang was in town this past Sunday for a concert showcase.

I wasn’t planning on going initially as I didn’t have tickets, but I stole it from some fat kid bought a spare one from some kid for RM10.

Now I know what you’re thinking.
“OMG Kenny, you went to see Guang Liang? What’s wrong with you?! HE’S SO GAYYYY!!!11
Yalah yalah I know lah.
I agree Guang Liang is a bit of a poofter with nothing but a skinny-ass and a high-pitch voice. But of course… I wouldn’t say anything bad about him because when I was a teenager and some girl I liked broke my heart, I would listen to his songs and cry myself to sleep.
*cough* You didn’t hear that from me.

Malaysian Armed Forces: Directing traffic since 2005. Khidmat Negara… join the armed forces TODAY!

For those unfamiliar with this Malaysian music artist, Guang Liang aka Michael Wong was once one-half of a very successful duo called ‘Guang Liang Ping Guan’ (Michael+Victor). Before they split, ‘Guang Liang Ping Guan’ produced some of the best Mandarin ballads at the time. In fact I loved them so much I owned every single one of their albums. Its too bad that after they decided to go solo, the quality of their songs just seems to go down, down and down. Kinda like Hugh Hefner without viagra really.

The so-called VIP area.

Whatever their reason for splitting was, I hope its not because they think they’re gonna earn TWICE as much money by producing TWICE as many albums separately. Honestly, their solo albums so far were nothing to shout about as I still find myself listening to their old albums.
That said, Guang Liang is still arguably the more successful of the original duo. I don’t know what happened to Ping Guan’s singing but it just wasn’t good enough. Besides, Ping Guan sounded like Penguin and you wouldn’t buy an album from a penguin would you?

The obligatory time-wasting boring-as-hell pre-show games that ONLY the host himself seemed to enjoy

Anyway after experiencing the disaster that was the David Tao Kuching Showcase last month, I didn’t have my hopes up. I was expecting loads of boring pre-show games, listening to the host repeatedly reminding us to buy the CDs, then the star coming out to sing two songs max, sign some autographs to make us happy then go home to sleep with his stuffed toys.
Guang Liang

Guang Liang: Hello everyone, my name is Guang Liang.
Me: DUH! I thought this is Tan Ah Beng’s concert.

The showcase was held in a multi-purpose hall fit for 3,000 people in Kenyalang Park. The area closest to the stage was cordoned off for reporters and big-balled VIPs. I could see that the VIP area was quite poorly managed because there were no guest list, no special tags or whatever. Anyone lugging a big heavy camera could pretend to be a reporter and sneaked in easily.
Note to self: Next time, get a digital SLR camera and wear a khaki vest. 🙂
Guang Liang

Ji de wo ai ni (Remember I love you)

After some excruciatingly long and horrijible pre-show program, which included the host trying to get the crowd to sing-a-long to Guang Liang’s songs, the man boy himself finally graced the stage at around 8:00pm – about an hour after the scheduled start. His first number was ‘Ji de wo ai ni’, an up-tempo song designed to get the sleepy crowd all fired up. Of course that’s not needed because the hundreds of screaming schoolgirls effectively ‘gerengteed’ that I lose my hearing next morning.
Guang Liang

Xiang zhuo jou xiang you jou (Walk towards the left, walk towards the right). Its also the soundtrack of a movie of the same name.

I didn’t go crazy over Guang Liang of course. It might’ve been different if you ask me eight years ago when I would listen to his songs every single day. But alas… its just too bad so sad that Guang Liang and I met at the right place, at the wrong time. Sorry mate but you came eight years too late.
Now I know how those girls at the Backstreet Boys concert last month must be feeling.
Guang Liang

Tien Tang (Heaven)

Guang Liang is very much an average joe who haven’t yet grown into some pretentious mega-bitch superstar. Despite him possessing the dancing skills of a cupboard, I reckon Guang Liang handled the stage really well. He engaged the audience’s mood and really took time to explain the meaning behind each songs he wrote.
And that’s the thing I like about artists who write their own songs. Normally I’d just buy albums and listen to it because of the melody. But having the artist himself explaining why he wrote a particular song somehow brings to it a different depth, a different dimension. Next time I hear it on the radio, I wouldn’t think of the song the same way again.
‘Tien Tang’ (Heaven) for example, is a song that came to mind when he heard the news of Leslie Cheung’s suicide.
Guang Liang

I too, thought that this is another Malaysian singer who called himself ‘Ah Niu’.

Three songs and a mini-game later, I thought that Guang Liang would be more than ready to wrap the show up. After all, David Tao stopped after a miserable grand total of two songs.
But of course, Guang Liang is different. He went on to perform ‘Shou Ji Liu Yan’ (Messages on the mobile phone) and ‘Yi Dian Guang Yi Dian Liang (errr.. A bit of light, a bit of light?). Throughout the evening, he threw posters into the crowd. At one point, he even left the stage to shake hands with the audience.
Guang Liang

Tong Hua (Fairy tale, not the minishorts version I hope)

The last number of the evening was ‘Tong Hua’ (Fairy tale) – a staple among Chinese radio stations here and a favourite among those poor heartbroken souls out there who recently broke up with their boyfriends/girlfriends. Heh. Definitely one of the best sappy tearjerking break-up songs out there, isn’t it? 🙂
I was really looking forward to listening to him performing that song live… but the Kuching crowd spoilt it by singing along loudly like some drunk uncles at a karaoke competition. GAH!

The poster face Vs the real face. Ahhh… the wonders of Photoshop!

Guang Liang ended the evening signing autographs – which was effectively a scribble-handshake-NEXTTT affair. I didn’t get an album and I wasn’t enthusiastic about lining up for an hour just to get his autograph. So I pretended to be a reporter and went on stage among other ‘real’ reporters just to snap some close-up photos of him. 😉
All in all, it was a good night out. Guang Liang performed six songs in total and went out of his way to interact with the audience. Nice to see that fame didn’t go through Guang Liang’s head and that he still acknowledged his fans properly.
Its quite sad that eventhough some celebrities *cough*David Tao*cough* produce great songs and all that, they unfortunately also have the tendency stay away from fans like a plague.
Please lah, your fans are the people who support you. These are the people who waited 1 hour in a stadium packed like sardines for you, went through so much just to see you and yet you merely performed two songs and left? Why is it that when people asked you for a photo and you CLEARLY know you had time for it, but yet you blatantly refused to acknowledge it? Take one photo very jialat one ha?
That’s the thing, I can’t stand these prima donnas. Honestly speaking, without the fans buying your albums you are absolutely nothing. At least give them some face, can?

Jeff Ooi’s Little Bird

WARNING: Sense-of-humour strongly recommended before reading any further.
Was it just me or did everyone else noticed that Malaysia’s Most Influential Blogger Jeff Ooi seems to get all his dirty backstage scoop from his trusty little bird?
Someone once mentioned that I should get an award for making the most references to my own testicles in my blog. But seriously, that someone got to look how many times Jeff Ooi mentioned his ‘little bird’ in his blog.
Little Bird
Jeff Ooi’s little bird features heavily in many of his stories.
So what exactly happened at that frightening anti-narcotics raid at the internet cafe a while ago? A little bird told Jeff Ooi.
Which Malaysian government websites were vandalised by Indonesian hackers? A little bird told Jeff Ooi, again.
Which Act was the government planning to invoke to take action against at news portal Malaysiakini for their so-called ‘irresponsible’ April Fool’s joke? A little bird told Jeff Ooi, along with some law advice.
Gee I wonder if Jeff Ooi’s little bird told him what’s the winning 4D number for tomorrow.
Jeff Ooi’s little bird sure is busy poking around everywhere. I’m starting to think that Jeff Ooi is not the brains behind his blog, but his hard-headed little bird is. At least it makes his blog interesting at times with all these wet and juicy gossips his little bird generates. But I seriously do hope that Malaysia’s M.I.B. protect his little bird well because we know the politicians in this country don’t like to be fucked around. It is going to be a sad day if big-ass ministers here get aggressive and chop off Jeff Ooi’s little bird. What a tragedy its gonna be when that day comes.
(Puns galore intended)
Jeff Ooi’s little bird sure is famous. I ran a search on Google with “Jeff Ooi” and “little bird” and I got 170 results! Get this there were 170 websites mentioning Jeff Ooi’s little bird!
Jeff Ooi Little Bird
WOW! Why is everyone talking about Jeff Ooi’s little bird ar? His little bird so ‘geng’ meh!?
I wonder how come no one interested in my little bird? What is wrong with me? I ran a search on Goggle with “Kenny” and “little bird” and I got this instead.
Jeff Ooi Little Bird
So I adjusted my underwear and asked.
Kenny: “Oi, little bird, what’s wrong with you lah? Why can’t you be more like Jeff Ooi’s little bird and fetch me gossips every now and then”
Kenny: “You fucking useless one you know? Goddammit, you ‘piss me off’ everday! I’m so sick of you”

*still silence*
Kenny: “Oi! Little bird I’m talking to you lah!”
Kenny’s Bird: “Fuck you Kenny. And stop calling me ‘little bird’ will ya?! For the record, its BIG BIRD to you ALRIGHT?!”

big Bird
UPDATE: Thanks to minishorts (totally hot), yours truly is now immortalised into your favourite bedtime story. 🙂 You MUST check her out. Thanks, mini!

Kenny Goes HIV-Testing

I always have the habit of doing things impulsively without much forethought.
BP Labs

Last Friday I drove past a BP Laboratory when I decided to drive in and fill up my petrol tank when I remembered a thought-provoking entry I read on sixthseal.com. Guide to HIV Testing in Malaysia is a down-to-earth blog entry focusing on the importance of HIV Testing from a youth’s point of view, as opposed to mother-like annoying reading materials from both government and non-government organization.
This is the same entry than earned the blogger HB an award by the Malaysian AIDS Council for creating HIV awareness in the country. An unsolved mystery remains till today as to why our traditionally conservative leaders (including Badawi, Mahathir and his daughter Marina) so happily presented the award to HB, whilst conveniently overlooking the fact that the said article as well as the rest of the blog included references to the blogger’s “ALLEGED” pharmaceutical + illicit + recreational drug use. Hmmm…
Inside BP Labs
Like most people my age, I grew up overloaded with HIV/AIDS information. I know what they’re trying to achieve when they said they wanted to create awareness, but somehow listening to them constantly bombarding us with HIV awareness messages like that since PRIMARY SCHOOL kinda numbed its effect on me when I grow older and am actually ready for a sex life (not that I have any now anyway). I understand there’s a need for HIV awareness, but for fuck’s sake primary schools are not the place for it!
Once I heard an enthusiastic anti-HIV campaigner/auntie on the radio. Interestingly, the radio DJ’s name is Rose, but the aunty kept calling her Roast. I thought why anyone would be so stupid as to name themselves Roast, until the DJ signed off by saying with a hint of sarcasm “This is ROSALIND. Thanks for joining us.”
Roast Chicken

This is what I thought the scene was like at the studio

The anti-HIV auntie lamented the fact that when she gave out pamphlets to people in shopping malls, people threw them in the bin instead of reading it. Well of course they threw it in the bin! Its always the same textbook shit: use condoms lah, don’t share needles lah, don’t sleep around lah. We’ve all heard it a thousand time before and we don’t need to hear it again. Besides most people like myself always bear that “Its never gonna happen to me” attitude.
Its only after reading the aforementioned blog and watching a Japanese mini-series about AIDS (starring Kyoko Fukada and Takeshi Kanena) that I changed my attitude and realize “Shit, this HIV thing is risky business!”
Anyway I impulsively made a U-turn and proceeded right into the clinic asking for a HIV test. The lady at the counter gave me a form to fill out and asked for my identity card. Now here’s where I chose NOT to give out my personal information because if, IF I’m HIV-positive, my personal information will be entered into the government registry and I would be placed under constant scrutiny. Who know they might even cast me away on an isolated island with other AIDS sufferers to avoid infecting others.
I’m pretty confident I’m HIV-negative but I still asked to be anonymous so I wrote my name as ‘Kent’ (in case I forgot what I’m supposed to be called) I gave the form back to her along with the RM25 fee, and that was that.
The last blood test I took was eight years ago as part of my application for Australian permanent residency. Despite my enormous balls, I’m still chickenshit when it comes to needles. When I was younger I hated it when my mother tried to coax me into allowing the nurse to stick a needle into me by saying “don’t worry it won’t hurt” or “its only gonna hurt just a little” because GODAMMIT IT HURTS LIKE HELL ALRIGHT!?

That’s not me but I put the picture in there just to satisfy you sick freaks out there

Well the blood test was SOP. I felt stupid placing my arm on the padding because I actually paid RM25 to sit through this. Obviously I didn’t take any photos of the nurse drawing blood out of my veins because I was shaking with fear and I didn’t dare to look at the shiny needle piercing into me uhhh… the camera battery died on me.

My camera battery miraculously went alive again when I took this shot!

This is not related but there’s one incident back in Perth that still scares the living shit out of me when I think about it.
There’s one sunny afternoon when Nicole and I were walking towards Hay St Mall minding our own business when we were approached by a stranger asking for money. I don’t remember much about him but he was short, slim, droopy-eyed, olive-skinned and sported some curly locks. Come to think about it he kinda look like MotoGP racer Valentino Rossi.

Yes that’s the culprit! THAT’S HIM!

People who’ve been to Perth would know that there’s ALWAYS people asking you for money. My policy is not to give any money to random beggars off the streets because when you have your arms and legs attached I don’t see why you can’t get a job. Instead of someone wandering the streets asking me “Brudda… can I get dolla?”, I’d rather give my money to those buskers in the city because at least they provide me with crappy entertainment.
So I effectively told the stranger “No I don’t wanna give you any money”, which angered him. At that point he pulled out a syringe from his pocket, removed its orange cap to expose the needle and held it above his head repeatedly screaming “DO YOU WANT AIDS?! DO YOU WANT AIDS!? I’LL GIVE YOU AIDS!!” maniacally. Remember this all happened in matter for few seconds in broad daylight with busy shoppers walking around. I was terrified.
I wished I could say I turned into Jacky Chan, gave him some vicious karate chops and ripped a new asshole for him so when he shits it comes out of both holes. But I didn’t.
Instead I was busy wetting my pants handing him money from my wallet because I didn’t want Nicole or I to get into trouble. He demanded AUD$50 but I think I gave him a grand total of AUD$3 which was all the coins I had at the time.

Here’s where the needle poked, three days later.

Sorry I digressed.
Anyway, just earlier today I went to BP Labs and picked up my results.

Anti-HIV I & II Screening: Non Reactive. That means I’m indeed HIV-Negative. 🙂

That’s right. Kent err… Kenny is tested free from HIV. That means I’m a certified walking STUD and not a certified walking STD.
Please send all requests to have unprotected sex with me to iwannasleepwith@kennysia.com.

Just kidding, of course.
If your name is Nicole and you hate me, you may send a powderful computer virus to stupidbloodyidiotihateyou@kennysia.com.
Thank you.

40 Hours at the Medical Ward


I took so much pictures at the hospital, they’re actually thinking of sending me to a hospital of a different kind

You guys are too nice lah.
I disabled comments in my last entry because I didn’t want you guys to get too concerned or worried over me. Seems like I’ve underestimated the resourcefulness of kennysia.com readers.
Its only been two days, and already my e-mail and chatterbox were bombarded with messages from well-wishers. I might take some time to reply those e-mails, but I’d just like to say that those words meant a lot to me. From the bottom of his heart (what? I have a heart?), Kenny would like to say “gam-sia”. 🙂

My father smoking the most expensive cigarette in the world.

Yes, I spent my last two days at the hospital with my father. In a mad coincidence of events, my mother and my brother were both out of town for other equally important commitments, my sister has her own kids to take care of, so I ended up being the only person (apart from his siblings) able to care for him.

My survival kit for the next 40 hours. Yes I know its a little inappropriate but do I look like I care?

Anyway, it turned out that the wound on my father’s forehead was superficial. The reason he had to stay at the hospital for two nights was because his haemoglobin level was running low, and the blood bank was lacking fresh supplies for transfusion.
Well I was frustrated about the delay. Besides I think my father deserves only the best. So I flew to West Malaysia, slayed some young virgin girls and brought back some fresh blood for my father.

I’m sorry guys, but these annoying twats won’t be releasing any more albums next Chinese New Year!

Without a WiFi-enabled laptop I had lots of fun chatting to the wall. But in my 40 hours, I’ve observed that the scene at the medical ward was interesting to say the least. Seriously, before this, I thought my bedroom was the only place in the world where people would eat, shit and sleep at the same location.
One thing I find interesting was the doctors there.

Its a requirement to know how to do split legs if you want to earn a Doctor’s degree

I always had the stereotype that doctors are usually big fat balding middle-aged men with that sleazy look on their face, which was why I was quite surprised to see these slim-built good-looking 20-somethings wearing the sthetoscopes, complete with their hao lien Versace suits, Tag Heuer watches and overseas-educated accented English. WTF!?

Late night

The hospital turns into a spooky place at night

Staying at the hospital wasn’t that bad. Things only go bad at night because when you’re surrounded by sick people your mind starts playing tricks on you. Even normal things like an taking a lift becomes spooky.
I had the misfortune of riding a lift at 4am in the morning. It stopped at Level 4 and when it opened its door and no one was around. Normally I’d just be pissed off but when it happened last night I was so scared I hugged my balls for protection.
I like the picture of this corridor. It shows how quiet the ward was at night.

What? Is there something wrong with this pic?

Regardless, I’m sure glad this little ordeal is over. My father was discharged this morning and I finally get to sleep at my own bed for a change. Best of all, I’m finally re-united with my computer.
Now if you’ll excuse me I think I need a well-deserved sleep. 🙂

Pulling An All-Nighter

Alright, here’s a serious post for a change. I won’t be updating for a day and here’s why.
Makeshift Bed
I was sleeping in my father’s bedroom last night because I was supposed to be taking care of him. My dad’s health was good a while ago but lately he seems to be getting weaker due to loss of appetite. He’s so weak requires assistance to walk around the house. Despite that, my father is still quite determined and had tried numerous times to walk on his own.
All I remembered last night was that he woke me up once to ask me to assist him to the bathroom. What I didn’t know is that later in the night he attempted to walk to the bathroom again, without alerting me.
When I woke up at 6am this morning to check on my father, I was shocked to find a maroon patch of blood on his forehead already hardened. Needless to say I panicked.
Apparently on his way back to the bed, he tripped and knocked his head on the wardrobe. Being the man that he is, he pulled himself up and walked back to his bed sleeping with a gaping wound on his head, whilst I was still snoring like a pig.
I know my closest friends get really concerned when I write about my father. I sincerely appreciate that but gee, seeing you guys all so worried makes me feel kinda bad. So I disabled comments for this entry. Instead, I’d like to assure you by saying that relatively speaking, my father is still ok.
SGH card
My father is in Sarawak General Hospital right now. The gash on his forehead was already stitched up but he has to stay there for another one night (well hopefully just one night) because of other health complications. In an hours time, I’ll be returning to the hospital to pull an all-nighter caring for my father – which naturally means I can’t update this site.
Please do check back tomorrow.

Malaysia Airlines Unveils New Uniforms

Everybody knows how much I “love” my local newspapers. Well, one thing I “love” more than the newspapers here are the MPs who feed on our tax ringgits. Take for example the news article below.

(Excerpt from The Borneo Post, 18th April 2005)

Before you continue reading, I advise you to drink a glass of cold water and make sure that the fire blowing out from your nose is not burning your keyboard into flames.
Well I don’t think I need to say anything more on this “sexy dressing is inviting people to rape you” issue. To say its the woman’s fault she gets raped because she wore a low cut blouse, is like saying its YOUR FAULT you get sodomised because you have an asshole.

The MP talked so much bullshit she had to put on her oxygen mask.

Yes, next time I’m just gonna press the “Call Attendant” button and when the air stewardess comes around I’m just gonna rip her clothes off and fondle her breasts, then scold her for making me so horny.
Now if you think about it, the Baju Kebaya isn’t really that low-cut anyway. At least the collar is still quite tight, so when the stewardess bend over no “juicy details” is revealed.
I mean, lets compare our air stewardesses that to Singapore. Once I was onboard an SQ flight when the air stewardess bent over to serve me my dinner-on-tray.
Guess what? I thought she was serving me an extra two buns!

Ladies and gentlemen. Study the subject carefully. THIS is the reason behind our rising sex crimes.

I always like the cabin crew of Malaysia Airlines. I know many people who complained how some of their flight attendants mistreated some poor passenger, but the fact is that these are just a few bad apples among a basket full of good ones. Personally I’ve met some bitchy ones but most of them are really nice, accommodating and professional so I think they’re actually doing a great job.
However I’m just not a big fan of their management team. See, its especially difficult to like them after they fired one of their leading air stewardess just because she’s pregnant. And I wonder why they fired a pregnant lady because CLEARLY she won’t be contributing towards any rape case.

Whoops! There it goes. Some just got raped because this stewardess swung her hair in a sexy manner.

But anyway, a little bird told me that due to that Barisan Nasional MP’s comments, Malaysia Airlines is working through day and night madly trying to create their new uniforms. Rumors has it that these uniforms will ‘gerengtee’ to solve all the issues associated with that evil rape-inducing figure-hugging low-cut Baju Kebaya. I was told, thanks to these new uniforms, that rape claims will drop, male passengers will be more comfortable and everybody can live happily ever after.
What’s more? They could be ready next time you choose to fly with Malaysia Airlines!
As usual kennysia.com brings you the first sneak peek at the NEW Malaysia Airlines uniform. 😉



Yep, I bet our skies will be a much safer place then. Amen.