Engrish: 99 Balls and 1 Gift

Some of you may have noticed that kennysia.com was down the whole night last night. That’s my fault. Apparently after upgrading my bandwidth allowance to 3GB last week, I managed to blow it once again. No worries, I’ll move my host soon.
To add insult to injury, I scratched the surface of my 2-week old LCD monitor just 5 minutes ago. Now my baby has an unsightly and permanent gash left on it. Good job, Kenny, good job.
In times like these, there’s only one thing that can cheer me up. Three words: Made in China.
I tell you, those products made in China are a gold mine for Engrish. I don’t know what these people are thinking hiring primary school dropouts to design their product packaging exported to the world. One thing for sure, their proficiency of the language makes mrkiasu look like an English teacher.
Take for example, this box of toy balls I spotted at a local supermarket. The name of the product is a creatively named Sunny Cat 99 Balls and 1 Gift.
Box of balls, front shot
On the back of the box, I learnt that the ‘Gift’ in question is actually a netted basket.
Box of balls, back shot
Somehow I get the feeling that they don’t know what ‘basket’ is in English. So they cleverly replaced it with the word ‘gift’ instead.
Box of balls, suggestion
My suspicion was confirmed when they call a ‘basket’ a ‘kid tent’.
Their suggestion seems quite useful. Considering what a shit day I’ve been having, I think I’m just gonna put colourful balls into a ‘kid tent’ just to cheer myself up.
Box of balls, not ice
The side of the box kindly informs me that this box is “not ice”. Like duh, of course I know its not ice, ‘cos otherwise you’d have to put it into a freezer.
Here’s the kicker.
Box of balls, the kicker
I don’t know about you, but I have a strong urge to buy a box of these balls just so that I can stuff them into the mouths of those annoying kids with Heely shoes.

Things to Look Forward to In the Aftermath of Quake

The earthquake off the coast of Sumatra midnight this morning is a tragedy, no doubt about it. But as they always say, every cloud has a silver lining. Disasters like earthquakes and tsunamis are often unpredictable. However, the events that followed such disasters are very very certain.
Here are the list of things to look forward to in the aftermath of the Asian Quake crisis.

5. Disaster = Charity Concerts!

Backstreet Boys are so gay

Guys, I really really really wish I could say that I photoshopped this picture. I’m sorry to say that this photo 100% real – its official, THEY’RE GAYS!

The Backstreet Boys will be coming back to Malaysia to hold another ‘Force of Nature’ charity concert. Maybe this time we can all sing “Backstreets back, ALRIGHT!”
Halfway through Nick Carter will be probably speak in a touchy-feely voice saying “The biggest force of nature is the human spirit. *sniff*” Then AJ will be like “Will somebody PLEEASSEEE think of the children?” Then the five of them would be all crying and hugging and kissing and groping each other on stage, asking everyone to donate money for relief efforts, whilst they go backstage to provide some hand relief efforts for themselves.
As usual all the Datuks and Datins will have the best seats of the evening.

4. Disaster = People Blaming People for Everything!

Let the finger-pointing begin!
Hyper-religious idiots will be screaming “This is God’s revenge to all these Muslims!” Or in Audrey’s case, people saying to her “[You] should convert to Christianity now so if anything happens, [you] can go to Heaven.” Poor nations will be complaining that rich nations are stingy with their efforts. Rich nations will be contemplating whether to donate or spend another $30 billion bombing iRaq. Meanwhile, concerned/brain-dead citizens will blaming their government “OI!!! How come you din tell us earlier that there’s going to be an earthquake ar? ITS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!”

3. Disaster = Major Festivities Postponed or Cancelled!

Remember how last year’s New Year’s Eve celebrations were toned down or cancelled in the wake up the tsunami disaster? Sorry to all the jokers out there, but April Fool’s this year is postponed.
April Fool's Postponed
What? You think we all still have the mood to play jokes on people ah? Shame on you! Why don’t you spend your time helping out with the relief efforts instead?

2. Disaster = Opportunity for Political Publicity!

Opportunity for Political Publicity
Forget about reading the local Malaysian newspaper. I can describe the front page headlines for the next 7 days. Visualize this: Overblown pictures of political big-wigs hitting some gong or cutting some cake on some so-very-important ceremony. The big bold headlines would scream something like “Politician says ‘DONATE MONEY FOR QUAKE RELIEF EFFORTS!'”

1. Di$a$ter = “Buy thi$ and We’ll donate 5 cent$!”

Starbucks donation drive
Businesses will be taking advantage of this disaster to lunch, sorry… launch their late$t $ale$ promotion. They’ll entice you to buy their latest product whilst claiming that a portion of their money will go towards some big-ass charity. If you don’t buy their products then you must be a heartless person. Shame on you. People dying everywhere and you aren’t even helping those big companies to donate towards relief efforts!

Ahhhh…. I reckon its going to be oh-so-routine.
Of course, I’m not slamming them. After all, all these go towards a good cause.
But you know what? We don’t need big-ass charity concerts, big-nut politicians and big businesses telling us to donate money. We are not animals. We are humans, we have feelings and our need to help others should just come naturally from our hearts.
Guys, you don’t need me to tell you to donate money. Just give what you can give.

Meanwhile, here’s a picture of me doing my own relief effort. 😉
My own relief effort

kennysia.com’s Bandwidth Has Exploded

Man, that sounded good. Repeat after me, “My bandwidth has EXPLODED.”
It sounded as if I couldn’t control my site’s popularity, and that kennysia.com has become the world’s most visited website next to Google.com, receiving more hits daily than an altar boy’s ass.
I wish I could tell you that my web host can no longer handle the enormity of my testicles, and that they have to purchase extra hardware just to support the weight of my ever expanding balls.
But sadly that’s not true.
(I still have big balls though. :))
The truth is that I’m an idiot.
See, when I started kennysia.com January this year, I looked for the cheapest web host available and purchased it without doing much research. Its only after a while that I discovered that there are better web hosts out there that cost half as much.
Yet at that time, my 25MB storage and 1GB bandwidth for USD$4 a month sounded more than enough for me. After all, the website I did for the company I used to work for (spectraeng.com.au) only used up about 200MB of bandwidth per month.
Part of the reason I started this site is to keep in touch with my mates in Perth. Instead, the people I expected to come, bar a few, didn’t come. (Gee, thanks guys. Such great friends you are!) Instead, I get visitors all the way from Canada to Taiwan, UK to Korea.
Granted, most of these people are just interested with my Reviews. But these people are such suckers. Bandwidth suckers, that is. 🙂
Bandwidth EATEN
Coincidentally, the more popular entries are the ones that eat a lot of bandwidth. In February, I had to apply for a 2GB bandwidth allowance, thanks to my stupid Jenna Jameson Ringtone. Then just last week I had to upgrade it AGAIN to 3GB.
Search phrase
From the search keyphrase above, you can tell that the most popular entry on kennysia.com is that stupid vibe4u Vibrating Condom Review. All I can say is “What the foot?”. Man, I thought that kennysia.com can be famous for other reasons. Instead I’m known as the #1 search result on Google for ‘vibe4u’. My parents should be so proud.
Well, I’m happy that Koreans and Taiwanese are reading my vibrating condom review. A large number of them even translated that review into their own language with Google’s translator tool. But you know, those things are never reliable. I’m somewhat concerned that some of my words might be lost in translation. Take this sentence for example…

“I can’t believe I paid AUD$12.95 (RM35) for this thing! This is just one condom and some buzzing cock ring we’re talking about!”

In Chinese, that sentence became…

“我不可能相信 I 被支付的AUD$12.95 (RM35) 为这件事! 这是一个 condom 和我们正在谈论的一些个嗡嗡叫的公鸡圆环!”

For those of you who CAN’T read Chinese. Well, that sentence was…

“I can’t believes I AUD$12.95 which pays (RM35) is this matter! This is cockerel ring which one condom and some humming sound calls we’re discusses!”

Yes, a cockerel ring with humming sound calls. Smart translation, Google!
Anyway, a bloke named Jerry Ha left a comment for me.

“Wow…I didn’t know that you live in Malysia.
I was impressed by your review of Vibe condom
and I introduced this site to my friends.
Hope you make more review about interesting stuff
such like condoms. :)”

Gee, thanks Jerry. Ask someone with a non-existent sex life to do more reviews on condoms. Just rub it in, Jerry, RUB IT IN. What do you want me to review next? PREGNANCY STRIPS?
Pleae parden Jerry’s commang of Engllissh, he are Korean so his grandma is nod vely goot.
Seriously though, thank you Jerry, sincerely. I’m glad that you enjoyed reading my reviews as much as I enjoyed writing them. Its too bad I can’t find any new wacky things here in Kuching that make me go “Whoa! That’s unsual!” However, if anyone overseas do find something unusual that you think I might like, feel free to pop me an e-mail. As long as it costs less than RM100 after shipping, I’d consider buying it! 🙂 Thanks in advance.
Oh, if you’re reading this far, sorry I wasted your time. Haha! You’re probably expecting the usual laughs and tickles. I should’ve warned you this is going to be a boring site-related entry from the start. I promise a proper update tomorrow.
Speaking of that, I think as kennysia.com’s readership grow, other people’s expectations of my blog grows as well. Kim (long-time friend, short-time blogging buddy, all-time pest) once said to me that she felt that I’ve changed, that nowadays I seem to be more concerned about making people laugh. She has a point. Ever since the unexpected popularity of my entry on Annoying Friendster Trends, I’ve been feeding off people’s comments and trying to insert humour in each of my entry. So much so that people expect my entries to make them laugh.
In some ways, I don’t mind that. I like to make people laugh. Yet, sometimes I’m just not in the mood. Sometimes I’m just upset at the way things are going in my life. How weak my father is. How much I hate people forcing (yes, FORCING) their religion onto us. People who promise us miracles, like 932 other religions out there. People who waltz in, promote their God like an Amway salesman and go on and on and on and on about how good their religion is without so much as asking a simple “How’s your dad doing?” throughout the whole conversation, and then they get all furious and shit when we said that we are just not interested. God dammit, get the hint! WE-ARE-NOT-INTERESTED in your religion!

Oh what have you done? My dad has gone hiding in his luggage bag thanks to all these religious promoters!

Anyway my point is, please don’t treat kennysia.com like jokes.com. Please don’t expect jokes everyday because this is, after all, my personal online diary. Just like everyone else, I go through a wide range of emotions every different day. I may joke, I may not – one thing for sure, everytime you read this space, you’re getting the real and truthful me. And I’ll appreciate that.
Riggghhhttttt, proper updates tomorrow!
Update : Since posting this entry up, there are reports of another major earthquake near Sumatra. No, I swear this one isn’t caused by my testicles.
Seriously though, I hope that a repeat of last year’s tragedy does not occur and that casualties be kept as close to zero as possible. Please pray.
Another charity concert, anyone?

Those Sweet Young Things from Singapore

I noticed that Singaporean girls are notoriously quick to follow the latest fashion trends.
The last time I was in Singapore was two years ago. Back then, the look of the season was that perfectly straight rebonded hair. I’m not surprised why that hairstyle is so popular since I know a lot of girls who wanted that perfect straight hair seen only on Taiwanese celebrities and Pantene commercials. Rebonded hair could instantaneously transform an otherwise bland and ordinary girl off the streets into a sizzling hot sexy babe like Jolin.
Jolin with her rebonded hair

Pay RM300 to rebond your hair and look like Jolin!

When I was in Singapore that time, I remembered sitting alone in the Jurong East MRT interchange.
Picture this scene.
A train arrived. Doors opened. Out came a Jolin Tsai lookalike with her long straight hair gracefully flowing in the wind. I looked at her. Everything turned into slow-motion. She smiled. My heart skipped a bit. My eyes fixated on her beauty. My drool dripping on the magazine I was reading.
Just as she walked past me, another Jolin lookalike walked out. And another one. And another one. Then another one. They look like angels. All with rebonded hair.
Heaven MRT station

Suddenly Jurong East transformed into Heaven.

Anyway, the trend has since died down a bit. I think the girls all got sick of looking alike, so at least now there’s a wider variety of hairstyles among the Singaporean girls. But just as one trend dies down, another new trend has hit those ever-so-fashion-conscious Singaporean girls.
This time round, its all about the mini skirts!
No, not those long ugly ones your high school teacher used to wear. I’m talking about those teeny-weeny itsy-bitsy super ultra-short skirts.
The ones that if you bend over, you will inadvertently broadcast the colour of your underwear and the beginnings (or was that the ‘ends’) of your ass to the entire world via CNN.
Short skirts galore

The white arrows point to examples of the kind of ultra short mini skirt I’m talking about.

I don’t know why, but when these short-skirt wearing girls stand in front of me, it certainly made those trips up the escalators a lot more interesting.
The elevator story

This is an escalator. Now imagine a girl with a very short skirt in front of you riding to the top of the escalator. What do you think you’ll see?

But hey! I’m not a horny bastard ok? I’m not the kind who stalk and prey on innocent young girls. See, when these girls choose to flaunt their ASS-ets and display the colour of their G-strings to me, its hard. Its really hard.
Hard as in… difficult. Not hard as in… penis… hard. No misunderstanding? Good.
Walking along Orchard Road, I can’t help but noticed that the lasses in Singapore have adopted a much liberal sense of dressing compared to our Malaysian counterparts. Maybe its the hot and humid Singapore weather, but there’s a galore of bared mid-riffs, cute spaghettis and short skirts on their 40kg frame. Sometimes I wonder what kinda water Singaporean girls drink to stay so slim. Maybe its the NEWater their government has been promoting.
Where did NEWater come from?

Wanna know how Singaporean girls managed to stay so slim?

Another thing I noticed is the number of lesbians openly showing their affection along Orchard Road. More lesbians than gays apprently. So, Lainie was right. There are plenty of gays and lesbians in Singapore, definitely a lot more compared to before.
Then, it hit me. If a large number of Singaporean women are lesbians, and those that are not lesbians are angmoh-loving SPGs, wouldn’t there be a distinct lack of Singaporean-men-loving straight women?
House of Fury preview

“Really ah? Ya hor?”

I mean… think about it! Most Singaporean men right out of army are suave, well built, well educated and have a good sense of humour. These are good quality men! Even if MOST of them hooked up with Singaporean girls, there are STILL going to be a lot of single Singaporean men left out there because the rest of the Singaporean girls are either (A) lesbian or (B) prefer white bread.
Gee, I wonder where can these poor Singaporean men can find their girlfriends then. Malaysia?
When my parents and I were in Singapore, I was always the one to get them food since my father isn’t very mobile and my mother has to stay by his side. I was lucky since Far East Plaza is just across the road from the hotel I was staying. Two years ago, Far East Plaza remind me very much of Kuching’s Hopoh or KL’s Sungai Wang, in that they sell mostly budget items and the closest thing they have to designer brands are imitated ones.
This time round I noticed a lot more creative, youthful and funky shops popping up. I like it how the young proprietors get so creative in the design of their shop and the display of their products.
One of the more interesting shop is InQBox, which looks more like an art gallery than a clothing/accessories shop. I went in there and one T-shirt immediately caught my eye.
LocalBrand T-shirt

The ‘Blind’ T-shirt, featuring the embossed print for the word ‘Blind’ in Braille.

What’s so special about this T-shirt you say? Well, I dunno. For a start, its LocalBrand.
LocalBrand logo
And they seem to have a promotion going on.
LocalBrand promotion
That is the reason why I bought the T-shirt.
Oh shit, what have I done?
Yes, I got the 20% discount.
I am ashamed.
I know.
Shut up.
‘Love’ is a funny thing.
Love can happen in the most unexpected places, under the most unexpected circumstance. A split second of contact can leave an impression that last for eternity.
They say love is blind.
They say there’s no such thing as love at first sight.
These people do not know love. They do not know fate.
But I know.
I know, because I have experienced it.
We met in the most unlikely of places.
It was but a mere split second, but seeing her made me think twice about the relationship I’m in right now. It made me think twice about continuing this whole long distance thing.
Funny how such a brief moment of contact with someone you’ve never met before can change one’s life, and one’s perception on life.
Deep down inside, I know what I want.
It was a difficult choice, almost an impossible one to make.
But I know, one thing for sure, is that – I – love – her.
Impossible as it may seem, but one day, she shall be mine.

It takes time.

But one day, she will be mine.
You just wait and see.

Lamborghini washed.

Back from Singapore

Yes, I’m back from Singapore and there’s lots of write about. Since its a long entry, I’ll split it into two separate entries.
I was in Singapore for the past two days, not for holidays, but I had to bring my parents there for, shall we say, religious reasons.
Leaving Kuching

The distinct difference in the landscape between Kuching and Singapore.

I like Singapore. I know I’ve mildly bashed those Singaporeans before, but the matter of fact is that I actually like Singapore. Kuching is my hometown and I would return here eventually. But if I were given a choice between Kuching, Perth, KL and Singapore where to live, work and play for the next ten years I’d most likely choose Singapore.
The island nation is clean, safe and most importantly there are decent gyms around. With the Singaporean people, I find that I share their sense of humour and I like how we are so in-tuned with many of our thinkings. Shit, sometimes I even find myself reading Singaporean newspapers and FHM Singapore instead of ours. But seriously, in my opinion, there’s no other place on Earth that is as livable, fun and as culturally-similar to Kuching as the city-state itself. And I love it.
That being said, I won’t stop myself from bashing it if I had the chance. Heh.
Inside the cab

One of the cab drivers I had a great conversation with about… you guessed it – politics!

Upon arrival at Changi Airport, we hailed a cab to get to our hotel. Singaporean cab drivers are naturally chatty and I’ve had great conversations with almost all the cab drivers we’ve met. Most of the time we talked about Singaporean politics and bitched about the government. Come to think about it, a lot of these cab drivers are quite disgruntled about the ruling People’s Action Party. They whined about how bureaucratic the government is and bashed them relentlessly, while I just sit back and enjoy the show.
Inside the cab

Cab drivers in Singapore – the looming threat to the stability of the Singaporean government.

I have no idea why these cab drivers are so unhappy, but I reckon if all the Singaporean taxi drivers get together and form a political party they’re gonna have a pretty good chance of winning the elections.

People’s Action Party Vs Taxi Drivers Party – Will we ever see this? Maybe. Just maybe! 🙂

We stayed at the Royal Plaza Hotel on Scotts, which is a five star hotel right smack in the middle of the Orchard area. Now, before you all go “Yalah yalah. See this stupid Kenny act all rich and mighty lah! Show off lah! Like I care. I know for a fact that his balls are small like rambutans.”, lets just say that I paid SGD$130 (RM300) for a room that’s normally SGD$350 (RM820) thanks to Wotif.com. They specialise in last minute hotel bookings and they usually have pretty good deals there, so I totally recommend travellers/backpackers to check them out as sometimes its worth paying that extra few dollars for a five star treatment.
Stunning interior decor of the Royal Plaza On Scotts

Stunning interior design and decor at the Royal Plaza On Scotts.

As expected for a five-star hotel, the hall entrance of the hotel is nothing short of magnificence. The two staircases on either side of the hall and the classic decor somewhat reminded me of the fighting scene in The Matrix Reloaded. I suddenly have the impulse to fly from one stair case to the other, fighting off all the baddies. Its too bad I didn’t even come close to looking like Keanu Reeves.
I look WAY better.
Wisma Atria

My favourite shopping complex in the whole island of Singapore – Wisma Atria.

I like the fact that the hotel is situated within the Orchard Road precinct. I didn’t spend much time strolling shopping malls whilst I was in Singapore, but my hotel is only a short walk to Wisma Atria. The reason I like Wisma Atria so much is because of Topshop. Its not because of the clothes they sell there since they’re just overpriced pieces of junk. I love it because they provide FREE INTERNET ACCESS!
So I hopped into the shop like a giddy little boy, fired up their Internet Explorer (pfft!) and logged on to kennysia.com. And this is what I got.

Wisma Atria

What kennysia.com looks like at Topshop in Wisma Atria

Stupid Topshop. How dare you mock me with that When Routine Isn’t Exactly Normal error message?!
Bloody. Anyway, lets get back to talking about nicer things, like the hotel.
The Deluxe Room

Royal Plaza Hotel, where the Deluxe Room actually meant an ordinary room for you poor fucks fooled into thinking that this is a five star hotel.

We stayed in a Deluxe Room. Apparently, there’s no ‘Standard Room’ because their standard room is already a ‘Deluxe Room’. Actually the term ‘Deluxe Room’ is a misleading since the adjective Deluxe has connotations of grandeur and luxury. I had my hopes up, expecting fruit baskets and chandeliers and maybe a stripper on standby. But alas, our room is not much different compared to the average Holiday Inn. At least ours came with a pathetic little mini-bar.
The Deluxe Room mini bar

The most pathetic mini-bar in a hotel room ever. Only one can of beer? wtf?

The King-size bed is good for two people, and there’s three of us. So I slept on the bed whilst both my parents slept on the floor.
Obviously, my elderly parents slept on the bed. I can order an extra bed for myself if I wanted, but that would set me back an extra SGD$66 (RM90) and I’m kinda tight-arsed about it. Besides, its just one night. So I figured what the heck – I’ll just sleep on the chairs.

Here’s my own five star treatment. Now imagine a full-grown man like me lying on it, with my legs spread-eagled across the armrests. I never felt more like a pregnant woman giving birth.

One hour lying on my makeshift bed and I’m already regretting. 🙁 My back was arching worse than a contortionist and my neck felt like it has detached from the rest of my body. Suddenly the SGD$66 seems like a very very small amount. We were staying at a hotel, but to me it felt more like staying at a refugee camp, except we had air-conditioning.
I contemplated sleeping in the bathtub but the cold ceramic didn’t appeal. Besides, my parents might need to use the toilet halfway through the night and the aroma they leave behind would be too uplifting for me to handle. I decided that sleeping on the floor is probably a better option, so I laid the pillow down on the carpet and slept on it for most of the night.
I woke up with aches in body parts I never knew I have.
Talk about stupid things you would do just to save a few bucks at a hotel. But I guess we all do it at some stage: sleeping on chairs, sleeping on floors, bringing down the mattresses to create more beds and coaxing the girls to share one bed hoping to see some hot lesbian showcase in the process. All part of the Malaysian way of sharing a hotel room, eh?

Signs The Wedding Dinner You’re Attending Is Shit

Need wedding reception favors for your big day? Find exactly what you are looking for in wedding favors here. Browse wedding sites and personal pages for special wedding favor ideas. You can also find unique bridal shower favors that are truly one of a kind. Check out this comprehensive site that covers everything from
wedding favors to djs and all the in between for the big day.

* Angry Post Warning: This was written at the peak of my annoyance. Any offense caused to anybody, whether intentionally or not, is duly regretted. All people depicted in the photographs below are mere models (unwillings ones) and are in no way related to the descriptions accompanying the photos.
AIYA! If you feel that my sarcastic jokes were getting too personal, by all means, just let me know and I shall kindly cooperate lah!
Now that’s out of the way…
Not so long ago, I had the luck misfortune of attending a so-called typical Malaysian-Chinese wedding dinner.
Actually I shouldn’t be so harsh about it. After all, the groom is the son of a family friend and I attended the wedding on my family’s behalf.
Then again, its not like I personally know who the bride and groom is. So screw it.
The last wedding reception I’ve been to is of my two close friends David and Geraldine’s. That was a simple affair: a registration ceremony, a get-together over coffee and cake, photos in the sunset, plenty of hugs, and they go home as husband and wife, happily ever after.
Hoping to get a similar reception in Kuching with your parents around? Fat chance.
I pity groom. No, not because he can no longer check out other hot chicks (well, that too). But because his wedding day is supposed to be a special day between him and his bride. Instead, the most important day of their relationship was hijacked.
What happened at their wedding dinner that prompted me to write this entry? See, they have every ingredient in my list of Top Nine Signs The Chinese Wedding Dinner You’re Attending Is Shit.
(Excuse the blurry pictures. I thought it would be rude to bring my digital camera to a wedding dinner, which is why I snapped these photos with my camera phone instead. Yes, I know it was still rude.)

Who Are These People?
9. The newlywed’s parents had invited their colleagues from work, their kopi-o buddies, their chess buddies, their friends from five different associations, etc. Before you know it, half the restaurant is filled with people the newlyweds had never met. Meanwhile the groom’s normally loud and obnoxious beer buddies were sitting in the corner table so quietly because they’re shy and afraid to offend the elder generations.

Man United Fans
8. The beer buddies didn’t stay quiet for too long, luckily. Because after a few rounds of free beers they had forgotten that the parents exist and started singing the Manchester United theme song.

Yam Seng
7. In a Chinese Wedding there’s always that yam-seng ceremony. I hated it because I was sitting comfortably and my seat had the moulded shape of my ass, but I had to stand because everyone else was standing.

Uncle and Auntie singing
6. There’s always that over-enthusiastic 40+ year old uncle/auntie who goes on stage and sing some stupid songs from the 70s like Ai Bia Jia Eh Ia (‘work hard and you shall win’). This old couple “sang” a song called Nang Wang Yi Ye Chin (‘Unforgettable One Night Stand’). What the fish? This is a goddamn wedding dinner! Take your wrinkly one-night-stand ass to the nearest budget hotel, you two dinosaurs!

Bad singers
5. If its not some 40-year-old uncle, then its that old classmate of the bride who was rejected by Trashcan Idol singing karaoke. Excuse me, we still need to eat here! What the hell is a karaoke machine doing in a wedding ceremony anyway? A karaoke machine belongs to a KTV lounge, not in a restaurant where people have to eat!

Baby crying
4. Somehow somewhere there’s always a baby crying. Maybe its a warning signal to the newly-weds of the things to come.

3. If its not some crying baby, then its those hyperactive kids wearing those… those… shoes.
Roller wheels
Gah, how do I explain it? Its these shoes!
Roller wheels
You know, the ones that come with those built-in wheels that make them slide. I HATE THEM! There’s nothing more annoying than to have to walk across a hall, and them have some kid glide past you like a ghost! Who the heck invented those things? Makes me just want to cut off their balls, put them into one of these shoes and slide them away into oblivion. Dammit I hate those shoes!

Wet towel
2. A plate of yummy fried chicken is served and you just wanted to gobble it all up because you’ve been waited 2 hours for your dinner (stupid invitation card asked us to come at 6pm and its now 8). But you can’t because there’s an elderly person sharing the same table with you. So you look at the food and he looks at the food and you look at him and he looks at you, and then you courteously ask the old man to ‘jiak’ (eat) but then he quickly replied ‘jiak-jiak-jiak-jiak-jiak’ in rapid succession. Feeling defeated because he said ‘jiak’ five times and you only said it once, you proceed to use your chopstick to pick up a piece of chicken and put it at the old man’s plate, but then he acted like its an atomic bomb and shouted ‘no! no! no! you first you first!’ while he put the chicken back into your plate, so you have to put it back on his plate but then he still doesn’t want it. So at this stage you feel damn tu-lan because you got so frustrated you just wanna stuff that whole piece of chicken up his nose and yell “EAT THE GODDAMN FRIED CHICKEN DAMMIT YOU OLD MAN!”

Wet towel
1. At the end of the night, there’s always that bloody annoying piece of wrapped wet towel where people would open it by squeezing the air inside to one end of the wrapper, then hitting it to make a loud POP. OI! Ever heard of class and courtesy? Obviously not!
Sometimes it felt as if a wedding is organised for the parents and not for the couples themselves. I mean, karaoke machines? C’mon! If it were left to me to organise my own wedding, I’d make sure:

  • You may yam-seng in your seat.
  • If you’re my beer drinking buddies, I shall secretly replace your alcoholic beverage with Shandy.
  • If you’re over 40 years old, you’re BANNED from using the Karaoke machine.
  • If you’re under 40 years old and does not have a recording contract, you’re BANNED from using the Karaoke machine.
  • Violation of the above karaoke code will result in the microphone being stuck into an orifice of your body of my choosing.
  • If you have babies who cannot stop crying, please kindly make use of the cellotape provided.
  • There will be no wrapped wet towels. Instead MAS flight attendants will be available to distribute the wet towels. No, you’re not allowed to ask for a cup of tomato juice from them.
  • The flooring will be covered with rocks and pebbles, so when kids with one of them bloody annoying shoes-with-rollerblading-wheels scoot around, they will fall down and I can laugh at them.
  • Last but not least, I shall invite only the people I know. If you’re not on my Friendster list, you’re not invited. Sorry.

Two Extremes of Human Intelligence in a Bank

Just a short texty update today. I’m bringing my father to Singapore tomorrow and coming back on Friday, so time is precious on my side. Obviously, I won’t be updating tomorrow.
I was at an RHB Bank earlier because I had to open a bank account for salary credit purposes. Being away from Malaysia for so long meant that I had forgotten almost all my Bahasa Melayu. I was never good in that language anyway. I always scoff at it because they used so much loan-words from English its not Malay anymore. For example,
What’s “computer” in Malay? Komputer!
What’s “account” in Malay? Akaun!
What’s “sex” in Malay? Seks!
Its ridiculous!
So I went up to this nice lady at the counter, who happen to be a typical Malay Muslim girl with the tudung and all, and I asked her nicely in the best Bahasa Melayu I could muster.
“Saya want to open a bank account with RHB!”

Damn! The whole sentence only one proper Malay word. Nice going, Kenny.
The nice Malay lady at the counter smiled at me and replied,
“Ni yao kai Savings Account hai shi Current Account?”

Yes, you read that right.
The Malay lady at the counter, knowing my superior excellence in the Malay language, does not even dare to compete with me! Which is why she spoke to me in perfectly fluent Mandarin for the next 30 minutes whilst she complete my application.
I was pleasantly surprised to say the least.
I have noticed a positive change in terms of racial demographics in Kuching lately, which I can only describe as vibrant. Today, apart from Malays who speak Mandarin and Indians who speak Hokkien, there’s also a large number of Ibans, Bidayuhs, etc who migrated from the rural areas to Kuching to attend Universities, and they all speak perfectly good English, albeit with an accent but that’s ok. And I love it! Alright, I admit it kinda helped that a lot of them indigenous girls have sizzling hot bodies, but still!
On the other hand, the Chinese population in Kuching are divided cleanly into three groups:
1. Chinese who speaks good Mandarin, but bad English;
2. Chinese who speaks good English, but horrible Mandarin;
3. Chinese who speaks the foul langauge like “Chau chee-bye! Kan ni nah!”
Fake LV Bag
I was chatting amiably with the Malay counter lady in Mandarin. Meanwhile, a middle-aged Chinese lady was standing by the counter beside me, her (obviously fake) Louis Vuitton handbag hanging on her arm, striking a typical rich tai-tai pose. Apparently she’s here to pick up her new AirAsia Mastercard, which is a pretty good credit card that allows you to earn points that can be exchanged for free flights on AirAsia.
Anyway, the counterperson arrived with her new credit card and the lady asked him, “So this credit card can only be used to buy AirAsia tickets one ah?”
“No ma’am, you use it like a normal credit card and the points you earned can be exchanged for AirAsia tickets.”
“YOU MEAN I CAN USE IT TO GO SHOPPING AH!?!?!?” she exclaimed so excitedly the old security guard suddenly woke up and drew his gun.
At this point, I can see the poor counter boy looking at her with eyes that say “OF COURSE YOU CAN USE IT TO GO SHOPPING LAH YOU STUPID DUMBASS! What kinda stupid credit card company would be dumb enough to only let you use it to buy budget air tickets only!?”
But instead, he managed the most insincere smile in the whole world and replied “Yes, you most definitely can do so. BITCH!”
Sorry I added the last word. 😉

What’s The Number to Call For Emergency?

Whilst we are still on the subject of tattoo, let us observe another example of ‘Engrish’ in Kuching. 🙂
Yeo's Tattoo Artist and GALLARY
I don’t know about you, but I don’t think I want to get any English words tattooed by this guy. Lest he spelt it kennyASIA.com, then I’m screwed.
Malaysian newspapers are so bad its funny.
I’m not gonna start bitching about having to endure front-page headlines EVERYDAY about some politician like Pak Lah or Taib Mahmud making a speech about what ‘we as citizens’ should or should not do, because frankly – just because you say it at some oh-so-important function with a photograph of you hitting some gong, doesn’t mean we’re gonna do exactly what you said we should.
But that’s for another time.
So, I was reading last Friday’s edition of The Borneo Post (18 March 2005), when I noticed this headline on Page 4.
CD Player stolen
Oh wow. RM600 stolen… La-FRICKIN’-Dee-Da! I had my Playstation 2 AND my XBox stolen only just one day after I bought them. Where’s my Page 4 headline, dimwits?
Anyway, just to sum up the story for you – basically this guy Ngiam (what an unfortunate name already) had his 4WD broken into by two burglars. Ngiam spotted them red-handed, but the suspects managed to jump into another car and drove away.
Well, I’ll let Borneo Post continue with the rest of the story.
The rest of the story

Let me try to digest this for a while.
‘999’ is not in use anymore!? Man, I’ve only been away for a while and they changed the bloody emergency number?
What the fork!?

The Thing About Tattoos

Lately, I noticed an unmistakable trend in the number of people getting tattoos and other body mods in Malaysia.
Sarawak's very own rock princess Shal Sagan is a fan of tattoos and other body mods

Sarawak’s very own rock princess Shal Sagan is a fan of tattoos and other body mods

What was previously the symbol of ‘pai kias’ (bad boys) and a traditional rite by members of the Iban tribe, is now a fashion statement among young teens and twenty-somethings. One only need to venture to the nearest nightspot to spot the tattooed forearms, upperback, shoulders, hips and ankles among the revellers there. Tattoos are no longer sported by gangsters (or wannabe-kiasu-gangsters), but by a wide range of people from your local girl-next-door, to your high school teacher, to that high-paying executive of some multinational corporation. Its almost as if every male, female and their dogs are getting tattoos.
Dog with tattoo

Meet ‘Pie’, Dine & David’s precious dog. No actual dogs are harmed in the process of photoshopping a tattoo.

Speaking of Iban tribal tattoos, do you know that the Iban girls here have symbols tattooed on them indicating their skills or expertise at something (eg cooking)? I thought its kinda interesting. I know tattoo is an important part of the Bornean Iban culture. What I didn’t know that they do it to sort the girls like library books! Would any of my Iban friends like to verify this? Chrissie? Felicia? Heh. I’ve never seen Chrissie’s tattoo myself but I’m sure it has something to do with ‘buying shoes’.
What is Christine's tattoo?

Kenny thinks this might be possibly be the tattoo of Chrissie V.

Not all of them do it for fashion reasons. Some call it art, some do it to record an important period in their life, most just do it without reason and just for the heck of it. Its a case where because all my friends are doing it, so I might as well do it too.
Tattoos are so popular now that people who have tattoos long before they became widespread started to call these new tattoo-enthusiast ‘wannabes’. I haven’t heard much from people who regretted having a tattoo. If there are people like that then they probably aren’t too vocal about it. Most people do get addicted after having their first tattoo, and went on to have the second and third and so on.

I think he might have gotten a little bit carried away.

I can understand why people would want to decorate their bodies. What I can never understand is why people would want to decorate it something so permanent. Who knows what you want later in life, or whether or not it would impede your career if and when you move into the corporate world where it is traditionally conservative. A wedding planner, for example, would look out of place if she sports a tattoo on her shoulder when she wears a gown to her clients’ wedding, unless of course her clients are members of the local triad gang.
Anyway, this whole fashion-trend-sprouting-from-the-rebel-image thing reminded me of something similar about 10 years ago, when colouring your hair was still considered a rebellious act that only the “bad students” at my junior high would do. The “excuse” given by the teachers was because the lead content in the hair-dyes was high, the school is doing their part by protecting us from possibly poisoning our head. Of course, that didn’t stop them from dying their white hair to black because according to them, they’re dying their hair black so that’s different.
Bah! You know how hypocritical teachers are.
Despite the “warnings” some ten years ago, there seems to be more and more people with red/brown/golden hair than genetic Asian black hair. It was no longer considered an act of rebellion, rather a perfectly socially acceptable form of fashion. To girls, colouring your hair is as normal as putting on a hair band. To boys, colouring your hair makes you look like a member of F4.
Kuching F4

What Kuching boys look like when they try to look like F4.

Walking through the streets of Kuching, I can’t help but noticing more blonde heads than black heads. There’s so many Malaysians with blonde hair right now, sometimes I think I’m still in Australia.
Anyway, back to tattoos.
The reason I wrote about this is because a few months back, my girlfriend Nicole said to me that she wanted to get a tattoo. Usually I can just ignore it and she won’t mention it ever again, but I know she’s serious after she asked Joey (a dragon) for information. She even took the effort to go to the tattoo parlour with Tiffy (a flower) to look at some designs.
And I don’t like it.
Now don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against people who choose to get tattoos. There’s a lot of things that I don’t mind other people doing, but I won’t do it myself. Tattoo is one of them, as is smoking cigarettes, taking drugs, cheating on your boyfriend/girlfriend, joining al Qaeda, etc. These are things I won’t approve and things I won’t do myself, BUT if you choose to do it – that’s fine by me – and you won’t lose my friendship over it. Just remember to say hi to Osama bin Laden for me. 🙂
I’m actually quite liberal about tattoos because a good number of my closest mates have tattoos. But this situation is kinda different, because this is my other half, she’s a part of me… and she wants to get some ink on her that can last her the whole LIFE?! What am I gonna do about it?
“Its her body wat. She has control over it.” said one of my close friends in Perth, who happen to have a rose tattooed on her hip.
I tried to retort, “But – what if she got her tattoo and I don’t like it? That means I have to put up with it. For my entire life!”
“The point is that its her body, and she can do whatever she likes.”
True. Good point. But if that theory holds, that means because I own my body so I can do whatever I like with it. I can fly to Thailand, work as a gigolo, Nicole can do absolutely nothing about it because I’m selling my body… MY body! True?
“Besides, if you really love her you have to accept her for who she is.”
That’s besides the point… !
The point is, a tattoo is permanent. The “it can be lasered off” argument wouldn’t work, because laser-removal costs USD$3,000 at the moment and from what I know, hurts 10 times as much as getting the tattoo on in the first place. A tattoo is permanent, and if I were to know that she already has a tattoo in the first place before we got together then maybe its ok, but to introduce a tattoo halfway through a relationship sounds to me like a uh… violation of contract? 😉 I don’t know.
My girlfriend wants a tattoo, and I don’t want her to get one. I’m stuck in a dilemma between giving her the freedom to be herself, and me having to put up with something permanent I potentially dislike. Look, I just hope I’m not crossing the line and becoming a possessive bastard of a boyfriend, that’s all.
Am I the only one in this situation? Are there couples out there who have the same dilemma as I do? Does your partner want to get a tattoo but you oppose to it? Or do you want to get inked but your partner threaten to cut your balls if you do it?

FireFox and Malaysia-relevant Search Plugins

Weekends are usually the time when the traffic to kennysia.com drops. I have no idea why but I think its because people are not at work, and hence no opportunity to slack off in front of their computer reading some mundane blog by some 22 year old Malaysian-Chinese in Kuching. That’s the reason why I usually take a day off blogging during weekends or write about crap no one wants to read, like my balls.
Today’s entry will be one of these.


Mozilla FireFox
Have you ever heard of Mozilla FireFox? If not, then my friend, you and I need to sit down and talk. Just pretend I’m a Jehovah’s Witness knocking on your door preaching the Holy Bible. Or an Amway salesman, whichever your prefer.
See, all my life I’m surrounded by geeks and nerds. It doesn’t help that I’m one of them.
I am surrounded by geeks and nerds
These are the people who swears by Linux and Macintosh. These are the same people who believe Bill Gates is Satan, and Microsoft should be renamed “Might-work-Soft” as my ex-workmate David so affectionately calls it. And because of that, these geeks informed you that you must format Windows XP from your computer and start using Linux. I said to them “siao ah!”
A long long time ago, I never believed in the open-source movement. Free things are hardly ever good, which is why I always use Microsoft. I even paid for my copy of Windows XP. Yes, all RM 5 for it at my local CD shop. Oh wait, did I say RM 5? *cough* I meant RM 500. 🙂
I am surrounded by geeks and nerds
See, I’ve been using Internet Explorer for my web browsing needs for as long as I can remember. That’s until the geeks at Spectra told me that if I start using Mozilla FireFox, my balls would increase 2cm in diameter. So I downloaded FireFox, started using it at work and eventually I used it at home as well. Sadly, my balls are still the same size as before.
I didn’t notice what’s the big deal about FireFox initially, until I used it for several days. It downloads fast, installs fast and imports all your IE bookmarks seamlessly. I loved it so much that now, I laugh at people who still uses Internet Explorer because they’re probably still using tree leaves to wipe their asses. (Read “Flame Extinguisher” below)

What’s so good about FireFox? Well, that’s for you to discover. But I’ll point these out.
More security, less pop ups
Ever visited 100% HOT ASIAN SLUTZ only to get your browser hijacked to the point where everytime your dad opens the web browser expecting to read the news, he finds a picture of a naked lady instead? Internet Explorer is notoriously easy to hijack and attacked by malicious software, FireFox is not.
Live Bookmarks is good for blog readers
I checked for updates of about 20 blogs I read everyday, but I can’t be bothered clicking on each one of them to see if they have updated. The solution? Live Bookmarks. If a blog supports Live Bookmark, it will show a orange square on the lower right corner of the browser.
Click it to add it. Next time the blogger updates, you will see it as a new topic in the Live Bookmark. It’ll save you the effort, not to mention the bandwidth costs of the blogger. I’m sure the blogger will appreciate it. Add kennysia.com to your Live Bookmark and I’ll tell everyone how big your balls are.
Easy Built-In Search Engine
Search box
On the top right corner of the browser is a built-in search box for many websites and search engines like Google or Yahoo. Choose your engine, enter what you want to search, and voila – you’re there. Its so intuitive its a wonder why the genius Bill Gates didn’t think about it in the first place.
FireFox came pre-installed with search plugins only the Americans will appreciate. Do yourself a favour, go to C:\Program Files\Mozilla Firefox\searchplugins\ and delete the ones you don’t need. You can install new search plugins more relevant to you by visiting Mycroft. It installs as easy as two clicks.
If you know a bit of HTML, these plugins are incredibly easy to write. MyCroft doesn’t have too many Malaysian-relevant search plugins, which is why I created the following. If you are reading this using FireFox, just click to install.

I especially love the Yellowpages Sarawak search plugin. I use it at work all the time.
To conclude, ditch that shitty Internet Explorer, follow the trend and start using FireFox. What have you got to lose?
Any questions/requests/bug-fixes, let me know and I’ll do my best.
Flame extinguisher: Sorry I offended the 75.2% of kennysia.com readers who uses Internet Explorer. But as always, everything on this site is light-hearted fun, so have a sense of humour when I take a casual jab at you lah. I’m actually a nice humble guy in real life. Err… Yes, I am. So apologies to all the IE users out there, don’t be offended. And dammit stop using tree leaves and buy some proper toilet papers!