Category: Out of the Ordinary

A Showcase of Readers’ Creativity

So I was working on trying to password protect my more personal entries since 12 midnight but I was too stupid to figure it out so I gave up I needed a little bit more time.
In the meantime, I have to censor myself when I write about my personal life. So here goes.
Nicole left yesterday. It’ll be a very long time before I get to see her again. Before she left, she suggested that we *censored*, so I bring her to *censored* and we *censored*. In the car, we *censored*. I gave her a *censored* and she gave me a *censored*. She was very happy. When we reached the airport, she *censored* me so I *censored* her back. It has been exhausting but I’m glad that she came (‘came’ as in ‘came to Kuching’. Not that other ‘came’). I can’t wait to see her again so we can *censored*.
Gee, censoring it kinda made it so much dirtier. I swear its more innocent than it looked!
Anyway, if you remember a few days ago I made use of my rusty programming skills and came up with a buggy lip-reading game THAT CANNOT ACCEPT QUOTATION MARKS. I’m sure I’m not the only person crazy enough to come up with silly ideas like that, so I handballed the job of filling in the captions to my readers, curious to see what whacky ideas they come up with.

gillianne’s Whisper period pads must be ultra absorbent.

Let’s just say I had some stomach-ache-incuding laughs along the way. 🙂 Heh. I asked you guys to cheer me up, and you sure did! Honestly I’m pleasantly surprised by the amount of silly humour displayed by you all. This could mean one of two things: (A) readers must be too damn boh-liao, or (B) readers are smart people with very important things to do, but reading miraculously transformed them into very boh-liao people.

N-KyoKun enjoys staring at the Queen’s bosoms

A special plug must go to blogger/photographer/songwriter Jasemaine Gan. Jase didn’t send me her contribution to this silly project.. 😉 She more high class so instead, she e-mailed me a song she composed! *gasp* Thank you so much Jase, your song definitely made me feel better and I’m very flattered.

Kher Ying is worried Prince Charles might not be able to ‘perform’ that fateful night

Jase’s piano piece was so amazingly well played I actually seeked out her other songs on her music site. Give her songs a try, you might like it.
Looking through the reader submission, I see that there’s no shortage of people making fun of Camilla’s hair.

Mr Brown thinks Camilla’s hairstylist ought to learn from a tip or two from Alan Salon

Then there were those who thinks Prince Charles might have married the wrong partner…

JiaYuan reckons Prince Charles is one bad mofo

… Or, while we’re in the midst of Star Wars festivity, that the Queen of England might be related to Princess Amidala of Planet Nabeh or something.

taste couldn’t wait for Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Shit

Here’s a showcase of readers’ amazing lip-reading abilities. Eat your heart out News of the World!

David Teoh can’t decide who is scarier.

wongpk thinks the Prince damn boh ka si.

BiLiS calls it The Revenge of The Queen.

Relaksman guesses that the Queen and Prince speak like Nelly and 50 cents.

Lee Chun Siong said all the right things about Camilla.

Michael Chew wants to be munched by Camilla.

Mun Kit is afraid of kutu (head lice).

xY thinks bird shit is good luck.

Kimmik’s cuckoo bird conspiracy.

Sinner’s Ark reckons the royal family knows that we’re lipreading them.

lotise suspects there might be other uses for the Queen’s gloves

GAMBs is never gonna get married after this.

neurotica can’t wait for lickylicky.

Justina secretly works for Head and Shoulders

BingBing finds more uses for superglue

karsoon continues the fart jokes

taste thinks dirty

taste has a fetish for the Queen

weichung theorises that the royal family must be from Malaysia

Sashi knows pimping ain’t easy

e knows what underwear the Queen was wearing.

Think you can do better? Try it here.

The Queen and Prince Lip-Reading Game!

For obvious reasons, my mood hasn’t been the best lately and I think that is reflected on my entries these past few days. used to be known for its humourous entries. But hey, if I’m not laughing myself, how can I make everyone else laugh?
Heh. Maybe now its your turn to cheer me up!
Remember a while ago I wrote about how absurd it is that UK tabloid News of the World actually employed so-called professional lip readers to decode the Queen and Prince Charles conversation at his and Camilla Parker-Bowles’ wedding? Click on that link if you haven’t read that entry yet.
Here’s an excerpt if you’re too fucking lazy to exercise your finger and click on that link for your convenience.

How the heck can they simply decide what people are saying just by looking at a video? How do they even know they’re speaking English? For all I know, they could be conversing in Hokkien.

Hokkien Version

Well guess what?
Now, you too, can guess lip-read what exactly was said between the Queen and Prince during that royal wedding! proudly presents

Here’s how it works:

  1. Go to
  2. Enter what you think was said between those two.
  3. Save the generated image.
  4. If you have a blog, just post it up on your blog and comment below.
  5. If you don’t have a blog, just send it by e-mail it to me at im(a)

The script is not perfect but at least it should provide some form of geeky entertainment. I shall publish the best ones here in a few days time – depending on the amount of response I get of course.
So make me laugh, cheer me up… or something. 🙂

Fuck Melbourne. Have You Seen The Kuching Shuffle?!

THE TIME…   Sunday, 24th April 2005.
THE PLACE…  outside Hock Lee Centre.

Security guards… what are they laughing about? Why aren’t they doing their job?

Something was amiss.
Something wasn’t right.
A grand total of THREE security guards have set up a yellow barricade outside the shopping mall. Normally they’d be scratching their balls waiting for the time to go home. This was not normal. Something big must be happening. What’s going on?
My heart was thumping. My hands were shaking. Beads of sweat were forming on my forehead as I approached them slowly in anticipation.
And then I saw it.
I saw…
The Man…
The Machine…
The Phenomenal…


Kuching Shuffle

Behold… the one and only Kuching Shuffler!

Yes that’s right all you Melbourne Shuffling freaks out there. You can take your fancy pants and talcum powder and shove it up your ass. If you think you’ve revolutionalized the clubbing scene, THINK AGAIN. Yeah, yeah, you may have your big-ass dance clubs and your world famous DJs. But I’m telling you, its prime time you FEAR the Kuching Shuffle because dammit we’re taking the world by storm!
What’s this Zouk thing you’re talking about? We don’t need that. All we need is our cheap red shirt, cheap short pants and the cheapest sandals we can find from Bata. Grab the nearest visually-impaired busker with his electronic keyboard, and baby, we’re ready to SHUFFLE.
Kuching Shuffle

The Kuching Shuffler and DJ Blind – the best thing to have happened to the Kuching clubbing scene since Chivas and Green Tea

This is a momentous occasion for clubbers of Kuching and around the world. Which is why is introducing all new ‘maotee-media’ content in the form of downloadable videos!
(You do require Windows Media Player 9 or above to view WMV-format videos. If you haven’t got them installed, get them here. Do let me know if nothing is working.)
What are you waiting for?
Click to watch the ORIGINAL Kuching Shuffle video. (1.56 MB)

Kuching Shuffle
For a limited time only…
The Kuching Shuffle Remix. (2.07 MB)
The Kuching Shuffle Remix (Extended Edition). (6.88 MB)
Cower in fear now stupid Melbourne Shufflers.

Impression on Sibu, Sarawak

Its quite unfortunate that I didn’t get to go out much during my time in Sibu. I was stuck at work most of the time. Coupled with the flood and rain, it really wasn’t a good idea to fit some sightseeing into my schedule.
For two nights I stayed at Li Hua Hotel, which is a three-star hotel overlooking the Teh-C-Peng-like Rejang River. My room window faces the river, and from the 7th floor the view is simply amazing. There’s something about big rusty old cargo ships sailing past equally old and rusty jetties that’s so beautiful, so quaint, so…. uniquely Sarawakian.
Rejang River and Ship

Titanic, this is not.

I always feel a sense of connection with the Rejang River, like we have something in common. Its not surprising though. After all, Rejang is Malaysia’s longest river, and I have Malaysia’s longest penis… nevermind. 🙂
Wooden houses along Rejang

If I can’t afford a bungalow by the beach front, this is where I’ll be staying.

A lot of people regard Penang as the food capital of Malaysia. Perhaps I’m a little biased but I’m afraid I have to disagree on that. (Ok lah, I’m very biased! ;)) I think Sarawak has the best range of authentic Malaysian food that suits the palate of people all over the world.
The food in Sibu is disgustingly cheap and many times I feel like giving some tips to the kopitiam waitress just because service was so prompt. Sometimes I wonder why posh 5-star restaurants have the audacity to ask us for tips for their crappy service when the young girl at the kopitiam deserves it more and yet we never thought of giving anything extra to her.
Anyway, back to food. The trademark food of Sibu is the kampua mee (or ‘dry plate noodle’ in Hokkien). Although this Foochow dish is available in Kuching, Sibu is the place where you can savour this yummy noodle in all its authentic and original glory.
Kampua Mee

I like my kampua the way I like my ladies. Cheap, quick, hot and saucy. 😉 But not with charsiew on top please.

This plate costs me RM1.80 (or AUD$0.60, the price of one pack of chewing gum in Perth). I had mine the way I like it, and that’s with soy and chilli sauce. It tastes very much like Indo Mee Goreng, except its drier and fresher. I reckon if you lick your computer monitor really hard you might be able to taste it.

The size of this coconut is about as big as my balls. Except mine is bigger.

I ordered a fresh coconut (RM2.00) to go with it. I’m a strong believer that coconut water should only be drank straight from its shell. Anything other than that is an unneccessary compromise.
Fruit Ice

Ice kacang? Pfft! Sibu people wouldn’t stoop to that level. So, they created FRUIT ICE.

This is Sibu’s famed Shui Guo Bing (or ‘Fruit Ice’ in Mandarin) for RM2.00. Its essentially a big bowl of shaved ice and some jelly atop pieces of watermelons, honeydew, pineapple, lychee, etc. This mouth-watering dessert is best savoured after a round of hot spicy dishes to cool your tongue down.
Hungry yet? 🙂
11:30pm was the only time I could explore Sibu on my own. The good news is, there were pubs around the hotel I was staying that operate late into the night. The bad news is, these are dangdut pubs featuring fugly singers with thick make-ups and skimpy clothing unfortunate enough to be cursed with singing voices that rival the ah-peks of Chinese wedding dinners.

There’s something incredibly sexy about big-sized makciks cooking your late-night supper

I was lucky there were few late night kopitiams around, mostly selling seafood. I saw a makcik (Malay for ‘auntie’) skillfully cooking seafood on a sorry-excuse-for-a-BBQ stove. I remembered my workmate recommending the sotongs (‘octopus’) of Sibu, so I wasted no time ordering one.
Sotong + Sambal + Kangkung

Sotong + Sambal + Kangkung = Where’s my gym membership?

This is Sibu’s sotong, grilled to perfection with traditional Malay’s sambal paste and some fresh kangkung. It really is as delicious as it looks. A dish worth coming back to Sibu for indeed.
Sibu at nightSibu at night

Obligatory late-night shots of Sibu.

Before I leave Sibu, I just had to do a shot of the town’s landmark. The place was quiet except for a few loud and drunk teenagers loitering around. Not far from here is the Sacred Heart Cathedral where a mass was held mourning the death of Pope John Paul II.
Sibu Markets

What’s this “kilogram” thing you’re talking about? Sibu people still use the “kong” system.

Sibu is an intriguing little place that retains much of its old-town charm. Its so quaint, so fascinating. I can’t wait for the next time I travel to Sibu to explore the place a little bit more. Hopefully, without the flood.
To conclude this diary entry on a funny note. Introducing, the worst name for a cafe in Sibu…
Mobilephone cafe

Who the *toot* would call their business the “Mobilephone Cafe”?

A MOBILEPHONE CAFE? A cafe for mobile phones? wtf? I don’t know about you but this is what I imagine what the inside of the cafe would look like.

Mobile phone talking

Bartender: Hey wassup, what would you like to D-Ring?
Patron: The usual – just a glass of battery juice please. 🙂

Just as I was editting this photo, my elder sister walked into the room.

Sister: “Why you took a photo of that cafe?”
Kenny: “‘Cos it has a funny name.”
Sister: “What’s so funny about its name?”
Kenny: “Well, its called Mobilephone Cafe!”
Sister: “I don’t see why that’s funny. I mean there are Internet Cafes so what’s wrong with Mobilephone cafe?”
Kenny: “………………”

I think my sister turned into Jessica Simpson after she got married.

The Great Sibu Flood

I hope I didn’t shock anyone with this entry’s title. 🙂 I just got back from Sibu, and man… what a trip that was! My flight from Kuching to Sibu was definitely one of the most terrifying flights I have ever been on.
Sibu Aerial Shot

Sibu from air. The town of Sibu reminded me of Kuching ten years ago, when there were more trees than buildings.

Sibu is located about 30 minutes north of Kuching by flight. My flight departed Kuching airport 5:30pm on Sunday. By 5:50pm, the captain PA-ed through advising us that the flight is due to be landed shortly. Everything was SOP (standard operating procedure) up till this point.
Safety demos

In-flight safety demos: the only thing preventing me from becoming an air steward.

As the Boeing 737 began descending onto Sibu airport, we experienced a mild turbulence which progressively grew in magnitude. Before long, the entire aircraft was shaking and dropping uncontrollably. Few passengers were already making use of the air sickness bags for reasons other than stealing Malaysia Airline’s cups and cutleries.
Looking outside the window, I could see, amid thick clouds, that we were close to landing. I held onto the passenger seat in front of me, expecting a bumpy touchdown while cursing myself for ignoring the pre-flight safety demonstrations. Then suddenly, instead of landing, the aircraft picked itself up and climbed back onto air. Sensing confusion, the captain advised us that we were unable to land due to bad weather. We circled the air, waiting for the weather in Sibu to clear up.
Departure hall

Scene of chaos at the departure hall, Kuching

After 2 hours of circling Sibu’s airspace, we were running out of fuel. The aircraft flew back to Kuching to re-fuel and dumped the passengers in the departure hall. It was 8:00pm and we hadn’t yet had our dinner. Starving, I sauntered to the only cafe opening at the Kuching airport’s departure hall only to find out that a RM2.50 kueh tiaw costs RM8.40. I politely declined, instead purchasing RM8.40 worth of biscuits and chocolates which I shared with my five other workmates.
Lights dimmed
By 9:00pm, we were back up in the air en-route to Sibu once again. That was another equally horrendous bumpy ride that only the West Malaysians who have experienced the earthquake could understand. The astonishing thing here was that there were passengers stupid enough to get up and go to the toilet in the middle of a major turbulence. Its amazing to see an ah-mah trying to balance herself holding onto the seats on a bumpy air-ride, whilst asking people where the toilet is. Until that dat, I have never seen an air stewardess shouting at passengers to get back to their seat.
Departure hall

Ah-mah: “But I wanna pee-pee. :(“

We touched down at 9:45pm with a hard and solid thud, followed by cheers and applause and mobile phones ringing because I forgot to turn mine off before boarding (oops!). My workmates and I exited the departure gate only to realise that our driver had conveniently left us to go home and sleep. 🙂 Anyway, we flagged a taxi and checked into Li Hua Hotel.
Sibu at last

Sibu at last.

I only got to see the effect of heavy rain the day after.
Sibu, flooded

Sibu, flooded.

Water in the drain spilled over onto the roads. Roads became rivers and cars looked more like boats. There were no shortage of stalled cars by the roadside and residents looked on as if its just another day in Sibu. There was so much water everywhere, I’m beginning to suspect the people of Sibu might actually be amphibious to be able to live in a condition like this.
Sibu, Waterworld
I noticed that the drains in Sibu are all extra-ordinarily wide. In fact, they looked more like the water canals of Venice.
Sibu, Venice
Even then, the drainage system was still no match for such force of nature.
I was put off by the brown-yellowish colour of the drain water. I doubt the sewerage system of Sibu is functioning, so God knows what’s beneath the water. A mixture of mud, shit, soil, shit, urine, shit, etc most probably. Ugh. I tried not to think too much about it. So I visualised the brownish water as Teh Ais instead.
Sibu, Teh Ais

A Bad Influence To Kids

I had wanted to update last night. I bought myself a wireless router, tried to be a smart ass and set it up with my existing ADSL modem, and ended up with no internet connection at home for the whole night. Heh. Anyone wanna hire me to set up their company’s internet connection?
Update: The reason to all my woes? An outstanding StreamyX bill of RM470. Sometimes, all the technical knowledge in the world is no use when you can’t even remember to pay your bills.
Team America
Team America: World Police DVDs in the Children’s DVD section.
At least we know what went wrong when the kids start singing “Malaysia… FUCK YEAH!”

Jenna Jameson’s “Moan Tone”


Here’s an interesting tidbit. Legend porn star Jenna Jameson recently released "moan tones" for your mobile phones – ringtones that moan sexually when someone called! For US$2.50 a pop, you can choose from a variety of moans, and sexual noises all recorded by the blond bombshell. Source: CNN

I would download one and give it a uhh… sound check if I can. 😉 Since I don’t know where I can get one, here’s one I created myself. If your phone supports MP3 ring tones, feel free to use it and spread it around. And no, that’s not my voice in it. Haha!

This moan tone seems to be incredibly popular because its the most requested file on my webserver. As a result, a lot of my allowed bandwidth is consumed and I am starting to pay the excess bandwidth cost out of my pocket. 🙁 If you feel that I shouldn’t be paying for your “moan tone” entertainment, please support me by making a small donation. Even $1 is enough. 🙂 Thank you!


This is probably the only ringtone you wouldn’t want to set its volume too high! As much as I agree that it is a fun and novel idea to have some porn star’s moaning sounds in place of your standard polyphonic ringtones, I shudder to think of a few examples where having moaning ringtones would create an awkward situation.

You are running late to work, and your boss is waiting at the door staring at you furiously.
Boss: *cough* And so… why were you late?
You: Sorry sorry! My girlfriend suddenly asked me to do something for her urgently! I promise I won’t be late again!

*Moaning sounds*
Boss: What was that?

You are at the cinema watching Finding Nemo with lots of kids around.
Girlfriend: Hey, have you set your phone to silent?
You: Oh crap! Not yet… where did I put my phone?
*Moaning sounds*
Innocent 4 year old boy: Mommy, how come Dory screaming so excitedly one?

You are in the bedroom when your mom comes in and gives you an impromptu sex education.
Mom: Ah boy ah, now that you’ve grown up. Mommy want to talk to you about girls. You see hah, bla bla bla bla bla…
You: Aiyooo… not again!
Mom: So that’s why, you must not have sex before marriage, because if the girl become pregnant then very mahuan one! You are still young, and…
You: Mom, actually…
*Moaning sounds*

Gives a whole new meaning to your phone’s vibration, doesn’t it? Heh.

If you can find a better use of a moaning mobile phone ringtone, let me know. 😉

Random Amusing Little Things

I gained a lot of weight when I was in Kuching. All those deep fried lok lok and oyster omelettes didn’t do my gut any good. So, I am trying to get my weight back to what it was before.
I woke up early this morning because I wanted to go for my run in the park near my place. But as soon as I opened the door a strong smell of smoky wind swooshed to my face. I turned on the radio and heard this… Perth is hit by the worst haze ever. God does not permit me to lose weight. Fine.
Went to work today. Saw my workmates having a smoking break and having a smokers’ chat. I overheard them talking.
S: “This haze thing is horrible isn’t it? I hope it doesn’t go on for too long.”
R: “Yeah. I can imagine its going to be a serious health issue.”
Yes, smart analysis indeed.
Fitness First
I love Fitness First. Especially the Pilates instructor on Friday evening. She’d turn on some soothing new age music and ask you to breathe deeply. I never knew hearing someone breathing can be so interesting. Then she’d ask who’s new to the class so she can pay special attention to them. I don’t know why but I put up my hand everytime.
Anyway, I was in the men’s toilet. There’s a long stretch of urinal and no one was there. So I went to the corner-most urinal, unzipped my pants and started to do my business there. Then there’s this big buff muscular guy comes along, and out of soooooo many other urinals, he chose the one right next to me.
I almost cannot perform. My urinating that is.
Where’s the unspoken men’s toilet etiquette gone to? The last thing I want to happen when I’m urinating is some guy standing next to me, looking over his shoulder to my side with the wow-factor in his eyes.
I walked past a sushi shop one day. Guess what I saw on their shopfront?
Sushi pillows
Pillow cushions made to look like sushis! Leave it up to the Japanese to come up with wacky cute little novelty things.
Stupid SMS
I received another stray SMS. Someone’s seriously mistaken my phone number for someone else’s. Either that or when some guy tried to pick up a girl called Natasha, and she gave him my number instead. Regardless, its starting to get annoying though interesting.
The message reads…

Aussie day party at steve ‘frenchie’ greffe’s. Starts midday never stops! Villa boys only.. Any girls welcome:) Seeya there. Love steve and pete:)

Pete? Couldn’t be this Pete here could it? Man, these stoners…
Speaking of stoners, check out this headline in today’s TheStar online.
Muslim stoners
Very misleading. Take note journalism students.

The Weirdest Voice Mailbox Message Ever

I touched down in Perth at 5am this morning. First thing I did when I landed was to check my voice mailbox. Now, because I spent my new year ‘celebration’ (or there lackof) in Kuching instead of Perth, I expected tons and tons of people leaving me Happy New Year messages. After all, I’m so damn popular – at least I’d like to think that I am.
*Kenny dials 321*
“Welcome to Optus Voice Message System. You have… three… new voice messages.”
Hmm… just three messages? Oh well, something is better than nothing.
“Message One. Received January 5th at 2:24am.”
Gee that’s kinda late for a new year message.
“Hey…. Hi Natasha!”
Natasha? What’s this surfie dude with a strong Aussie accent talking about?
“This is Pete calling, from… from… *slurred message*.
YEAH! I’ve just got your message and thought FUCK! I must have missed that. *slurred message*
So yea I’m just here having a few… few… Marijuana pipes hahaha.., HAHAHHAA *bubbling sound* Fuck… Umm….Yea… We should catch up sometime. Call me soon huh. Bye.”

Gee Pete, that is so sweet. Perhaps if you weren’t so stoned, you could perhaps have heard some guy called Kenny asking you to leave a message after the beep.

Snake Sighting!

Yesterday, Nicole and I were walking back home from Kenyalang. I was at the gate of my house when coincidentally my mother arrived in her car as well. Just when I was about to press the door bell, my mother yelled out that there’s a snake behind me! Nicole shrieked and ran away, whilst I was looking around for the snake. Guess what I saw?
Snake Sighting!
A two meter long green fella slithering down the wall to the meter box!
Snake Sighting!
Judging by its colour I wouldn’t be surprised if its poisonous. Maybe its because I’ve watched Anacondas one too many times, but I visualised that it might leap out and take a chunk out of my neck or something.
Snake Sighting!
Obviously that did not happen (otherwise I wouldn’t be here!) . Our little green friend happily crawls away into our neighbour’s garden, preying on its next victim. Could it be you? Heh heh heh…