Category: Thoughts & Musings

Miri Also Have Fight Club

What’s with the recent spate of schoolyard bullying videos surfacing on the Internet?

It seems as if handphone-recorded fight videos are the new porn.
First it was primary school kids toilet fight, then the Singapore HDB staircase girl fight, followed by the Johor schoolboy chair fight, and most recently, closer to home, the Miri schoolgirl fight.
“Ni you mei you jiang! NI YOU MEI YOU JIANG!” – bully #1 to victim.
Out of the four video clips, I reckon the Miri schoolgirl fight is the most violent (and most entertaining) of them all. So vicious, it made Tyson vs Holyfield look like two Playboy bunnies hitting each other with fluffy pillows.

“What are we supposed to be doing again?”

Don’t get me wrong. I hate to see violence happening in our schools and I hope justice is served. Just that it’s one of those things that you know is wrong, yet you can’t help but to look at it.
I’m not gonna post the video clip up. Those girls are still minors, ya know. Besides, I’m scared they might corner me one day and scream “Ni you mei you blog! NI YOU MEI YOU BLOG!” *whacks head*
All is not lost. For those who missed out on the clips that have since disappeared from the Internet, fret not. It’s only a matter of time before one of our enterprising businessmen from Petaling Street releases them on DVD.

Confirm clear, if not can come back and return.
I changed my mind. For the benefit of those who haven’t seen it, I’ve decided to post the heavily-censored version of the actual schoolgirl fight video.

Download the video clip right here
I’ll delete any comments that link to the original video where the underaged girls can still be identified. Be nice yea?

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Black Is The New Black

What do Paris Hilton,

Ashlee Simpson,

and Britney Spears have in common?

I like how they have Britney Spears posing nude on their front cover, and the caption immediately next to it reads “Nothing to wear? 487 best new ideas inside!”

That’s right, they’ve all ditched their famously blonde head to go black.
You know the world’s gone mad when we have us Asians dying our hair blonde to look like angmohs, while these angmohs are dying their hair black to look like Asians.

Price Increase

I’m a little bit peeved about this.

The past few months hadn’t been a good time for the average income-earning Malaysian. Everything’s gone expensive now. You open up the newspapers these days, you see the same old shit in the headlines: “xxx price set to rise”, “things costlier”, “new fees added”. EVERY DAY something’s gone up in price. EVERY SINGLE FREAKIN’ DAY, without fail.
Today it’s the petrol price increase, tomorrow electricity price increase, next day air ticket price increase. Then after that we have sugar price increase, rice price increase, drinks price increase, kolo mee price increase, simi lanjiao also price increase.
Sien lah everyday price increase not bored meh? Bastards.

It’s the same story everytime. Price increased, you get some big shot coming out, says a few words, tells us to “change our lifestyle” and accept the reality. The Opposition starts a peaceful protest, the police beats up some people for some reason, and then everyone forgets about it and returns to normal once again. Rinse and repeat.
The worst part about all this is that there’s nothing you can do about it. It’s quite sad really. We are being screwed over and there’s nothing we can do about it. Absolutely nothing.Everytime something’s gone up in price, you open up your legs wide, invite people to fuck you, then give them a can of beer after they’re done and say “Thank you, please fuck again.”
Here’s what gonna happen if the price of another public service like say, toilets increase.

Toilet Price Rise By 10c
Kuala Lumpur: The price for public toilet usage is set to increase from 20 cents to 30 cents per entry effective Monday.
“This is to keep up with the ever-increasing cost of operation, including water and electricity bills,” said a statement prepared by the Public Toilet Alliance (PTA). “We really have no choice.”

PM Datuk Adalah Bladder-Wee has explained that there’s nothing much the government can do about it. “The price of public toilets in Malaysia is too low.” He urged the public to accept the reality and change their lifestyle.
“Sometimes when you feel like you need to go, you don’t actually need to go. For example, instead of paying 20 cents, I hold my pee for a for while longer before finding the nearest 5-star hotel to relieve myself.”
Meanwhile outside a public toilet in Waterfront Kuching, a group of very angry protesters led by Opposition Leader Wang Toh Pi has vowed to stage a piss-ful demonstration.

“We shall not take this shit sitting down!” said Mr Wang, trembling uncontrollably. “This is unacceptable! I have not pee for 3 days already because it is so expensive! My comrades and I will not relieve ourselves until the government rolls back the price hike!”
30 minutes later the riot police shot him down with a water cannon. When interviewed, a police officer who wished to remain unnamed described the situation as desperate. “Mau kencing juga mau bising-bising. Cis, buat kacau saja.”

Another price increase, and the same shit is gonna start all over again.

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Malaysia Bans Boring Movie

There’s this movie created by a Malaysian about the history of Malaysia but banned in Malaysia.

I’m talking about “The Last Communist”, a musical documentary by director Amir Muhammad inspired by the life and legacy of Ching Peng, exiled leader of the banned Communist Party of Malaya.
Despite the fact that most people who’ve watched the movie in a private screening thought it was boring, uninspiring and uncontroversial, the movie was still banned by the Home Ministry! And that made a lot of people very angry!
“Damn you! Damn you for denying our right to watch boring, uninspiring and uncontroversial movies!” they yell in perfect unison.

For the first time ever in Malaysia, there’s more drama surrounding the release of a movie than the actual movie itself.
So it’s a bad movie. Feedback from everyone who watched the movie didn’t like it. Roger Ebert wouldn’t give it a “two thumbs up”. He wouldn’t even want to lift his toes. I fear that even if the ban is lifted, the same people who initially wanted to watch the movie might call on the government to ban the movie after they’ve watched it.

Still, no one seems to know why the movie is banned because there’s no content glorifying the communists. Then on Tuesday, the Home Affairs Minister decided to come out to shed some light on this matter.
He said even though it was NOT about the struggle of Chin Peng, the title of the film itself was provocative.

Of course!
It was never about the content of the movie, it’s the TITLE!
How dare you Amir Muhammad for using the word ‘communist’ in your movie title!
Don’t you know that communists in Malaysia were the ones responsible for the creation of the Internal Security Act (ISA)! ? Don’t you know that this is the same Internal Security Act that my readers now threatened to use against me everytime I write something mildly controversial and anti-government!?

But hang on, if this movie is not about Chin Peng, then what is it about?
According to a a reviewer in The Star who’s watched the movie, he said “if not for this Amir Muhammad film, I would not have known that there were three types of petai and two types of pomelos.”
Silly director. Why title it “communist” when it’s about pomelos!? You should’ve just changed the title of your movie to something more relevant.

Then we wouldn’t have to sit through all these mess in the first place.

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Zhng My Penis

I’m thinking about getting myself circumcised.

Yalah, laugh all you want. This is quite a personal topic, but I suppose most people reading would have passed their Form 3 Biology already so hopefully we can tackle this subject the adult way. Stop giggling!
Now, for the benefit of those who don’t know what a circumcision is, allow me explain.
This is what a normal penis looks like.

What? That’s not it? Well, must be something wrong with yours then ‘cos mine looks like that.
The tip of the penis is called “a dickhead”.
Here is a picture of a dickhead.

Dickheads are normally surrounded by a layer of skin, called “the foreskin”.
See, dickheads are senstive creatures, which is why it is necessary to have foreskins to help protect them. You wouldn’t wanna have a dickhead rubbing against the fabric of your underwear because trust me, it hurts.
Dickheads are also very shy. You normally won’t see a dickhead unless you pull the foreskin back to expose it.
Here is a picture of “an exposed dickhead”.

That’s TT Durai if you don’t know who he is.

As for me, I have a love-hate relationship with my foreskin. 24 years with a foreskin and I’m pretty comfortable having it around.
However, there are many times when I find it more of a nuisance.

Girls who complain guys can’t aim properly when pissing in toilet bowls obviously don’t know the frustration of having a foreskin. If you think pissing with a penis is like using a water hose in the garden, you’re wrong.
Pissing with a penis with a foreskin is like using a sprinkler. You spray all over the place!

I don’t know if other guys have the same difficulties as I do because it’s bloody hard work going to the toilet when you have a foreskin. I don’t wanna sit on the toilet bowl because I’d feel like a woman, so I gotta resort to retracting the foreskin everytime I take a piss.
It’s too hard.
I mean the process, not the penis.

If you think to all these sounds ridiculous, then consider this.
An uncircumcised penis accumulates cheese-like smegma on the dickhead and smells absolutely horrible if left uncleaned. Not only is a dirty dick unattractive by most standards, it’s a hotbed for all sorts of diseases.
I’m not sure how many guys clean their dickheads regularly because I’m a bit obsessed with the cleanliness of it. In my books, cheese is best served with wine, not dickheads.
No foreskin = less dirt = better hygiene = less disease = happy Kenny.
Then there’s the added benefit of better sexual satisfaction for both partners, but I intend to keep this entry clean and family-friendly so I won’t elaborate on that. 😉

But I’m a bit scared leh. Where to find a good doctor in Kuching to zhng my lan jiao?
I’ve heard too many horror stories about circumcision operation gone wrong for me, like excessive blood loss, anaesthetics not working (!), or even accidental loss of penis(!!!)
That’s why having a good doctor is important. Don’t wanna go to the hospital as a boy and come out as a girl ya know? Otherwise I might have to change this site to

Then I’d have to shop in this section at Watson’s

Are there any guys who’ve done it before? How’s it like? Do you miss your foreskin? Please let me know before I commit to this lifelong decision.
I just think it’s gonna be so weird to have Big Bird without the skin.

So? To cut or not to cut?

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I Need A Massage

My back hurts.

I miss the Thai massages I had in Phuket. It’s difficult to find massages of similar quality and professionalism here in Kuching. Every other massage places here are either dodgy ones with half-baked skills, or ones that mistakenly employ masseuse training to become WWE wrestlers.
I reckon Osim should stop producing overpriced massage chairs and just pack a Thai masseuse in a box and sell it.

Confirm I’ll buy.

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Things I Don’t Understand (And Probably Never Will)

Some stupid things that annoy me.
Women and Bathroom Scales

What is it with women and bathroom scales?
I swear to you women are drawn to weighing scales like fat kids to hamburgers. If you ever had a female guest to your house and your scale happen to be somewhere within her vicinity, unless she’s some prim and proper royalty, 9 times out of 10 she’ll be checking her weight on those scales.
Even if you put two weighing scales side-by-side, she’d still weigh herself on BOTH machines.
I once confronted a friend of mine who used my bathroom scales everytime she comes to my place because I’m pretty sure she had one herself.
Kenny: “Hey I thought you have a your own weighing scale at home?”
Her: “Yea, but I wanted to check if my scale at home are correct mah.”
Kenny: “!”


Why do people hit the “C” button multiple times when they use a calculator?
I’ve never seen anyone pressing “C” JUST ONCE and then use the calculator. They always have to tap the “C” button repeatedly like they got a friggin’ vengeance with the goddamn “C” button and clear all the memory from the calcultor since the Jurassic Ages.
For God’s sakes, it’s a CALCULATOR, not Nintendo dammit. What do they think they’re doing? Playing Street Fighter? Do they think by tapping the “C” button fast enough they’re gonna make Chun Li’s leg turn into lightning?

Training Bras

Why is it called “training bras”?
Seriously, what sort of elusive special skills does a pair of boobs need to have in order to wear a proper bra?
And speaking of which, how exactly do you train your boobs to wear a bra? Hire a coach? Send them for tuition? Give them a pep talk like in the movie Braveheart?
“They can take away our bras, but they can never take away… OUR BOOBIES!!!”

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Computer Functions In Real Life

I think I’m becoming increasingly over-reliant on my computer these days.

I spend most of my time at work facing a computer. I read the news online, I write letters, socialise, communicate, research, play games, earn money, do my banking, book my flights on all using a computer. And with my career firmly in the IT line, I doubt things aren’t gonna change for the better anytime soon.
The sad fact is that I spent so much time on the computer that I don’t know even how to lead a normal life without it anymore. It’s bloody ridiculous.
I depend on my computer so much, sometimes I even wished there were computer features built into real life.
Like that other time when I was attending a business function that required me to make small talks with countless strangers. It’s impossible to remember everyone’s name right. Mistakes can and do happen.

Damn awkward when you’re stuck in a situation like this, isn’t it?
How I wish there’s a feature like’s spell check function in real life. That way, then at least you can have a chance to correct yourself before you stumble and end up making a bad first impression.

Works out to be so much safer.

Or I could be trying to cook a dish dinner but have absolutely no idea how to proceed. The best I could do was prepare all the ingredients. Times like this I wish a paper clip will pop up from the corner and ask me if I need help.

I’d say ‘yes’ and just like that, dinner is ready to be served.

That would be a cool feature.

Then there were countless frustrating times when I lost my wallet, phone or car keys.

Imagine how nice it would be if next time I misplaced my stuff, and a window box popped up all of the sudden and asked me:

I think that would make life so much easier for absent-minded ppl like me.

But I tell you what is useful though.

Say it’s a Saturday night, you’re feeling a little naughty, a lil raunchy. You walked into a hip club looking for some hot steamy action. The club is packed but none of the sexy ladies were looking at you. You feel like a failure, standing all alone.
How nice would it be if at this point in time, you can do this?

Google’s “I’m Feeling Lucky” function in real life. Now won’t you just luurrrrvvvveeee to have that!? 😉

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Queen Lizzie

You know how Australians like to shorten long words by taking the first syllable, and then appending an ‘-ie’ or ‘-y’ to it? It’s like ‘Australian’ becomes ‘Aussie’, ‘television’ becomes ‘telly’, ‘mosquito’ becomes ‘mozzie’.

So I was listening to a Melbourne radio covering the opening ceremony of the Commonwealth Games, and when the announcers were talking about the Queen, they shortened her name and referred to her as Lizzie.
Now, to me calling that’s just not on.

I mean, the Queen isn’t exactly your feisty teenage cousin. She’s Her Royal Highness, Queen Elizabeth II! You don’t just call the Queen ‘Lizzie’, because that would be like referring to the Yang di-Pertuan Agong Tuanku Syed Sirajuddin ibni Almarhum Tuanku Syed Putra Jamalullail as ‘The Gong-meister’.
That’s what first came to mind.
The second thing that came to my mind when the announces call her ‘Lizzie’ was “Huh? Lizzie McGuire is at the opening ceremony meh?”


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Datuk Application Form

Malaysia may be a great country, but there’s a lot of things here I don’t get.

One issue I constantly remain ignorant about is the issue of Datukship.

For the uninitiated, “Datuk” is an honorary title bestowed to outstanding citizens here by the Malaysian royal family. It’s akin to achieving knighthood in the UK where the receiver carries the title of “Sir”.

In literal terms though, the word “Datuk” translated from Malay means “Grandfather”. Over here in Sarawak, we have an even higher title called “Datuk Amar”, which means “Grandfather Grandmother”.

It seems as if the older someone is called, the better it is. So technically speaking, some super-ultra-high-ranking official would be called “Great Grandfather Datuk Ah Pek Uncle Auntie Ah Mah Ah Soh Lau Peh Lim Lau Bu”

While the vast majority of Datuks lead exemplary lives and contributed greatly to the community, in recent years however, “Evil Datuks” have appeared in newspapers on trial for cheating and corruption.

It begs the question: how do they decide who to award those elusive Datuk titles to?

There are countless people around us everyday who dedicated their lives helping people, serving the nation. It could be the caring doctor in the hospital, the selfless teacher in school, that 64-year-old man who rides around in a bicycle fixing up dangerous potholes in JB.

Yet, never in a million years would they dream of being awarded the honorary title of Datuk.

What seems to be clear is that all the Datuks have one thing in common: money. Lots of ’em. They are rich before they’re awarded Datukship and they’re a lot richer after they’ve been awarded Datukship.

Think about it. How many Datuks have you seen that are not rich?

Not trying to generalise nor am I trying to insinuate anything. Like I said, a good majority of Datuks genuinely earns and deserves the title. But hey, isn’t it somewhat of an open secret what tactics rogue Datuks employ to grab that title?

Who knows? Maybe there’s even an application form out there to make it easier for people wanting to become Datuk So-And-So.

Now Everyone Can Datuk!
First Name: Last Name:


Screwing poor people over on a weekly basis
Street Address: State:

IC Number:    
Date of Birth:    
* Don’t blame me. We like to ask stupid redundant questions in this country


Bumiputera (* Got 7% Discount)

Choose your title.
Datuk (* RM 5,000)

Dato Seri (* RM 10,000)

Tan Sri (* RM 30,000)

Would you like a road name with that?


Yes (* Add RM 2,000)


How many companies do you want to become president of without doing anything?
(* Add RM 20,000 per company owned)

Would you like an AP from Rafidah Aziz with that?

Yes (* Add RM 2,000)

Number of boring speeches you can give at ceremonies.
(* Minus RM 500 per ceremony)

Number of boring dinners you can attend.
(* Minus RM 100 per dinner)

Do you require plastic surgery to create a permanent smile on your face?

Yes (* Add RM 5,000)

Number of traffic summons you’d like "mysteriously" disappear. *cough* *nudge*
(* Add RM 5 per summon )

Select a generic advice to give to the public when interviewed

How often do you want the newspapers to print your big fat grin on their front page?

Monthly (* Add RM 1,000)

Fortnightly (* Add RM 2,500)

Weekly (* Add RM 5,000)

Daily (* You crazy ah? )


Choose your preferred payment method.


Cheque (* Make cheque payable to DATUK-4-SALE SDN BHD)

Credit Card


24-month 0% interest installment with Aeon Credit Service!


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