Am I the only one feeling this way?
I was watching Lord of the Rings: Return of the King on HBO when I realised how I cannot get used to Hugo Weaving as the elf lord Elrond.

I’d already gotten so used to Hugo Weaving playing Agent Smith in the Matrix trilogies that EVERYTIME I watch a movie with him in it, I’d automatically visualise his character in black suit and sunglasses.

But still, I like Agent Smith in the Matrix trilogies a lot more than I like Neo eventhough he’s the protagonist. There’s just something inexplicably cool about a guy in full-on business suit doing kung fu. You have to admit that his facial expression in the movie is simply priceless.
I had fun adding speech bubbles to his photos. Here’s some.

Agent Smith “comparing notes”.


Agent Smith rushing somewhere.

And my personal favourite…

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Imagine waking up one day, and – BAM – just like that, the entire Earth’s population automagically started to follow the hundreds and thousands of advices dished out over the Internet each day. What would the world come to?
A wise one commented, “Accepting that interview shows that you did want the fame. If you didn’t, why did you accept it in the first place?”

Great Advice on the Internet #461: Thou shalt not accept newspaper interviews for fear of being called a fame whore.

I read with interest Jolene‘s account of her life at the Malaysian National Service (NS) training camp. Believe it or not, growing record-breaking armpit hair, camp trainers chasing away ‘evil spirits’, kissing your used sanitary pads as a form of punishment (wtf?) – its all part and parcel of being an NS trainee.

Our very own Jolene Lai, proudly serving the nation as a blue zebra.

When I first heard that Malaysia is about to implement the NS regime, I was very supportive of it. I believe that so long as it’s for a just cause, improving our national security and instilling patriotism in our youths is always a good thing.
I wouldn’t mind being part of the NS program myself because I heard girls think men in uniforms are sexy and I wanted to wear one. I’ve had plenty of friends from Singapore and Taiwan who ranted and raved about what a life-changing experience NS was for them and how they came out in the end a better person.
For many, NS is a rite of passage where the clueless becomes disciplined, the weak becomes strong, the boys become men.

The difference is in the balls.

Unfortunately, as more details emerge, I started to grow skepticism.
For one, the program is only going to benefit 20% of the country’s 17-year-olds (money not enough). Then I learnt that duration of the NS is not 2 years, not even 1 year, but just 3 months (money not enough). THREE PATHETIC MONTHS! Many people have said it – three months ain’t National Service to train boys into men. Three months is summer camp for kids.
How the heck are you going to instill patriotism in just 3 months? These things don’t just grow on trees overnight. Patriotism is something that require the victims to be subjected to lies and deception and propaganda over a long long period of time one, you know?
I reckon the only way they’re able to effectively instill patriotism in the minds of our youths is by using some bizzare mind-control technique.

What really went on behind-the-scenes during NS.

Jolene wrote about having to attend racial integration classes. Its fun and nice and all, but in a way, its also quite sad to see that the country has to resort to programs like these to promote racial harmony among the Chinese, Indians and Malays. I’m no expert, but I do know that forcing cross-cultural interaction in a formal classroom-like environment is about as effective as forcing a chicken and a duck to talk about the latest EPL soccer news.

Its only gonna work during supervised sessions. As soon as that’s over, the Chinese is gonna stick with their Chinese friends and likewise for the other major races. Most of them anyway. For many, a comfortable common language is still a barrier for interaction to take place.
But hey, at least they’re trying.
The biggest joke of all is that the Malaysian National Service isn’t providing any military training at all. Heck, the trainees aren’t even given the chance to handle weapons! All that pretty army uniforms and they don’t even get to hold a gun. What the hell, right? I wonder why the Ministry of Defence is running the program ‘cos all these “racial integration” and “character building” exercises seem more like the Education Ministry’s job.
There are military drills. Its just that at most, the trainees are taught to climb ropes, do monkey bars, and run. But geez, what are these kids gonna do if Malaysia came under attack? Throw sticks at them?

Yes, I feel very safe.

(Just in case there’s any government people reading this who thinks I’m criticising Malaysia’s NS program, I’m not lah ok? I think Malaysia is good, and I agree Badawi is the best thing since Elvis. Yeah, baby.)

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I wonder if the aircond is still running in his office.

Some minister came out in the newspaper today and said something about cutting down the use of air-conditioning across all government offices, effective immediately.
Yes. That’s exactly what we need to make those punani-faced government workers at the JPJ happy. Next time those idiots fuck you around, you know who to blame.

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Today was such a bad day. Its not just the car accident, its not just the Siarong incident, but many issues happened at the same time and collectively they took their toll on me.
I wanted to move on and write something new, but there are some things bothering me these past few days and I want to get them off my chest.
I have rubbed many people off the wrong way, and I wish to make my apologies.
Firstly, to my real life friends.

I apologise to IC, for snatching your blades away from you, alerting your parents and then sending you to the hospital when you overdosed on sleeping pills last night after a bad fight with your bf. I honestly feared that you were going to foolishly end your life last night. I’m glad you’re ok now.
I apologise to IC’s bf for my interference. I know she looks up to me but she’s really just a platonic friend of mine. I’m as concerned for her as you are. Please don’t take it the wrong way thinking that I have something against you. Its not true. I respect you.

I apologise to you, MN for keeping my mouth shut about your ex bf. When it happened I didn’t think too much of it. I didn’t tell you because I myself think it was a very small issue and I knew you’re going to make a big fuss out of it. I didn’t keep you in the loop for your own good. Despite its bumpy journey, I was adamant that your relationship was still gonna work out in the end. I’m sorry that it didn’t.
Now, onto the online saga.

I apologise to all my readers who were offended and lost their confidence and respect in me after viewing that particular entry.
I apologise to the non-existent ‘kids’ who were in attendance at the after party. You must have sneaked past the bouncer into an over-18-only dance club with your invisible cloak – the same one Harry Potter used to sneak into the Chamber of Secrets. And I didn’t see you hiding there in the corner. Sorry.
I apologise to those who commented on my relationship as if they knew me. I’m sorry, but who are you?

There are things in my private life I don’t write online: my family, my work, my girlfriend. But just this once I’ll write about my girlfriend.
My girlfriend has seen the picture. I showed it to her. She didn’t think too much about it.
My girlfriend likes Sarong Party Girl. She admits she’s a fan of hers. In fact, I think she reads Sarong Party Girl and Waiter Rant more than she reads kennysia.com. Very sad.

My relationship with my girlfriend isn’t the same as it was compared to say, a year ago. At the moment I have no intentions to move back to Perth and she has no intentions to come live with me in Kuching. We are in a long-term long-distance relationship. I don’t know if we have a future together. Its bleak. We had a long talk about this and we both agreed to “leave it up to fate”. We used to be very possessive of each other, but its been so long we’re apart, our grip has loosen somewhat.
That’s partially the reason why my inhibitions were low when I was in Singapore. Still, when I posed for that photo I don’t think I did anything wrong because it was a spoof. I make NO apologies for that.
I apologise to my girlfriend for breaking my promise not to write anything about her, or about our relationship.

I apologise to Jeff, Mack, Brown, Caleb and especially Michael. I recklessly did something potentially damaging. But you guys were there to stop “the shit from hitting the fan”. I’m sorry. I learnt my lesson. I almost owe you my life. But I cannot do that, so I’ll just chia you coffee instead next time we meet. 🙂
I apologise to those who said I did what I did to attract hits. I’m sorry because you’re wrong.
There’s a lot of people who urged me to write for myself and not for others.
When I put up that post, I did exactly that – I wrote for myself. At the back of my mind, I know there will be moral crusaders who’s not gonna like it. I didn’t care, I still put it up. I wrote it because its a very unusual and out-of-the-ordinary situation that occured. Its not everyday a topless model wants to take a photo with me (I wish), so I think its blogworthy. So I wrote it for MYSELF.

One of my fave bloggers went to Melbourne’s Sexpo and took photos with a topless porn star. Another one put up photos of her friend getting his pubes trimmed, her female friend’s peeing by the roadside (bare bottom and all), and her other friend flashing half her ass to the camera. They were all very cheeky photos, and I thought they were bloody hilarious. NOBODY who commented on their page found them offensive at all.
I didn’t know I’d cause such a reaction because let’s face it – everyone seen hers, everyone seen mine, so what the heck, rite? BUT, I was wrong. The fact that she’s Sarong Party Girl, and the fact that I’m Kenny Fucking Sia changes things. There’s an unwritten rule that when you’re both bloggers with more than 6,000 visitors coming your site everyday, you’re not allowed to do the things we did, no matter how harmless it may seem.
I apologise for taking down that particular post. I’m not going to put it back up. I’ve caused enough trouble.

I apologise to Izzy. I wanted to drop you a mail one of these days to clarify things. The storm has been hard on me these past two days, but thanks for explaining the actual situation on your end. You are the innocent victim in my mistake. I agree, the people who were there found it funny. The humour somehow got lost in translation from life to blog.
I apologise to people who said that my blog isn’t as funny as it was before. You don’t need to tell me that. Even I myself find my own blog is getting boring lately. Then again, this is kennysia.com, not Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. You didn’t pay and expect me to entertain you. That’s not my job. My job is as an IT Manager, and my blog is just something extra. A hobby. I can stop blogging the next day and I won’t owe a single cent to you because I have absolutely no commitment to you at all.

I admit my blog isn’t as interesting as it was before. I admit I’m turning into a Kenny Sia that I don’t know. I wanted to go back to the way I was before, but I can’t. How do you expect me to go back to being funny when critics were firing disheartening attacks against me? At best, it’ll just make me come up with lame, very lame jokes. How can I be expected to make you laugh, when I’m not even laughing myself?
I didn’t change my blog. You did.
Times like these, I need your support. Not for you to kick me in the gut when I’m down on the floor.

When you write for your readers, people say you should write for yourself. When you write for yourself, people say you shouldn’t write this and that. We’re looking at Bloglitics in action here, people. (And to think I coined that word. Oh, the irony.)
I apologise to everyone who sent me encouragement e-mails / blog entries / cheery MSN messages. I’m sorry I can’t reply them all. Just wanted to let you know, you made my turmoil a little easier to get through. Thank you. People like you are golden.

I want to apologise to minishorts and XiaXue.
No, sorry.
I apologise to Claire Khoo and Wendy Cheng.
There’s a difference.
You wrote about your reaction to my entry. You think what I did was wrong, and you disapproved of it. You didn’t hold back with your criticisms. I read your comments about me, and they hurt. They hurt me lot more than what many other people were saying. That’s because I care what you think.
But you were judging me as a friend. Others were judging me as a blogger.
And as a friend, I let you down, I disappointed you, I made you cry. Of course you have every right to be angry at me. And I’m terribly sorry.

There are friends who stick by you and approve of your actions regardless of what they think is right or wrong. Then there are friends who, when you did something wrong, give you a tight slap across your face and ask you to turn back, to wake up.
Claire and Wendy belong to the latter category. They didn’t do it because they hated me. They did it because they love me as a friend and genuinely care for me. In the process, they had to put up with commenters on their blogs who claimed they’re jealous of me / wanted to betray me / or the utterly ridiculous ones like “You complain so much, go pose naked with him lah!”

They didn’t deserve this. I deserved it. Its the trouble I caused. Why do they have to put up with all this bullcrap? Yet, they did. And although they’re majorly disappointed, they STILL find it in themselves to cheer me up over MSN when I went online.
Friends like these, where to find?

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One of my pet peeves with Friendster is seeing people writing testimonials for people they don’t know.
I’m sure we’ve all seen testimonials like these before:

“HmmMMMmm… I dUnNo HeR 1 BuT shE ix berii cuTez aNd preTTyzzzzzzZZZZzzz…..!!! tHx f0R addinG mE tO yOuR FrenZ LiSt! StAy CutEz aNd PreTTy AlWiZZZZZzzzzz!”

Nabeh. You call that a testimonial?
Friendster limits people over 18 to join, but I swear my IQ dropped by half when browsing profiles of those 14 year olds, who cleverly pump their age up to 18 to fool the system. Some even more kiasu and put their age as 84 years old instead. Like talking to ah mah very appealing like that.

Does she look freakin’ 84 years old to you?

I think at the very least, testimonials should contain some substance about the person. They should describe the habits and traits of that person beyond what their profile pictures. Obviously that’s a little difficult considering the person who gives the testimonial and the person who receives it probably never even conversed at all.
So what I’ll do here is provide some hints on how to write good testimonials for people you’ve never met.
If you see them somewhere else, remember, you read it first at kennysia.com

1. Pretend Like They Are Your Long Lost Friend

“WENNY~~~~~!!!! So surprised to see you here on Friendster! ^_^ Haven’t heard from you since Form 3! I thought you went to Afghanistan liaw. But I chatted with Mr Laden on MSN last night and he said you were in London last week? What are you doing there? Keeep in touch ya???”

2. Give ’em A Trip Report

“T+00: read Wenny Sia’s profile.
T+02: surroundings become blur. v nice visuals.
T+03: getting warm in here.
T+05: everything’s so surreal.
T+07: my face is numb
T+10: feel like vomitting.
T+14: effects v strong now.
T+15: shit. cannot hold back. i’m nauseating
T+19: regurgitated on my keyboard. fuck.”

3. Treat ’em Like Weight Loss Products

“After looking at Wenny’s picture, my appetite disappears suddenly. I’m no longer hungry, and I stop having cravings. In fact, food isn’t all that interesting to me anymore. After 10 days, I lost 6kg of weight, 4% of bodyfat and 2 inches off my waist.
Thank you Wenny Sia!”

4. Rate ’em Like How Sammyboy Rates ‘Em

“Met her at L6H9.
looks: 4/10 (very average)
body: 5/10 (a bit fat. boobs hairy.)
CB: 6/10 (trimmed)
AR: din provide. din ask.
BJ: 1/10 (kena teeth a lot)
FJ: 8/10 (accomodating. tried many diff positions until CIM.)
Damage: $40
RTF: never in a lifetime”

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