Category: Thoughts & Musings

Mat Rempits Wanted To Transport Voters To Polling Booths

There’s this news from a while back that kinda went under the radar because everyone was so pre-occupied with watching “Paris” Chua Soi Lek’s video.

Apparently, some clown over at Putera UMNO thought it was a good idea to pay Mat Rempits cold-hard cash to help send voters to the polling booths on election day.

This comes in the wake of rebranding these hooligans as Mat Cemerlangs, signing them up as Rakan Cops, and sending them on an all-expense-paid trip to the North Pole for a sky-diving expedition.
Getting Mat Rempits to send voters to the polling booths. What a stupid, STUPID idea.
AS IF it wasn’t bad enough already that these noisy pests on motorbikes are terrorising our streets riding like this.

Can you imagine what’s gonna happen if they REALLY let those Rempits take the Aunties out on election day?
Where is the Auntie gonna sit?

Somebody is gonna get a heart attack I tell you.

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Malaysian Health Minister Sex Tape

I thought the government was gonna announce an election early this year. Instead what we saw was an erection.

In case you didn’t get what I was talking about, apparently our Malaysian Health Minister did a Paris Hilton and appeared in a sex video tape. 60-year-old Datuk Seri Chua Soi Lek was caught with his pants down having sex with a young girl who wasn’t his wife. The video was leaked and made into a DVD distributed throughout Johor.
Following the release of the sex tape, the Health Minister who is also MCA vice-president subsequently apologised and resigned from all posts.

Now let us just digest that for a minute because that was quite an incredible news to take.
60 years old. Health Minister. Malaysia. Sex tape.


That is just so wrong on so many levels I don’t even know how to begin.
That naughty naughty boy.
I know Malaysia didn’t have a proper sex education program, but I certainly did not expect our ministers to show us how to do it themselves. Don’t have to be THAT generous, y’know?

The minister claimed that the woman he was caught having sex with was “a personal friend”.
I used to think personal friends are those people you go out with from time-to-time to have Starbucks and then disappear all of the sudden when your birthday is coming close. I didn’t know you could actually have sex with personal friends. Wtf I feel so cheated. Dammit all you personal friends of mine I want my money back.

In the end, the minister resigned and it was all over within one day. Morally, he couldn’t have handled it any better.
Knowing what politicians are capable of doing, he could’ve demanded to set up a 3-man panel to investigate the authenticity of the tape. And then Nazri and Najib would come out and protect him. And then they would say there is no need for a royal commission. And then 3 months later they would suddenly turn around set up a royal commission. And then they would convene to recommend who to include in the royal commission. And then they would go to court for 10 months calling all witnesses to come forward. And then they will claim to give these witnesses free plastic surgery to protect them. And then they would say the government is very caring and listened to the people. And then they would give the Health Minister a promotion. And then they would blame the opposition for trying to destroy the peace and stability of this country and lock them up using ISA.
But no, they did not set up a 3-man panel to investigate the authenticity of the video clip.
Or maybe they did, but then they realised it’s impossible to watch a porno video from start to finish.
Why? Because they kept ending up with 3 horny men and a lot of used tissues.

It’s sad Chua Soi Lek had to go ‘cos from what I remember he’s one of the good ones. Like Bill Clinton, Datuk Chua Soi Lek is a good politician who has made poor personal judgments.
It was a set-up and he was “screwed”. Still, I think he “cocked up”. I can understand if he wanted to start 2008 with “a bang”. But if you’re bonking someone who isn’t your wife, it’s gonna be “hard”.
It’s bad enough to see someone involved in a sex tape.
What more a minister. What more a HEALTH minister. What more a 60-year-old Health Minister who is married with kids.
In all fairness, he could’ve argued that he was testing out this new sex drug. But of course he’s better than that. Well, now that he has withdrawn… I mean, resigned, maybe he should endorse something.
After all, the old bugger did last 55 minutes on the bed with a hot young chick. Even I gotta admit that was pretty impressive for a 60-year-old grandpa. What did he take? Some Tongkat Ali Super Pill? Whatever he was having, I’ll have two thankyouverymuch.

I have to admit I have not seen the DVD myself. Now that the police has threatened to act against anyone found to distribute the Health Minister porno, I don’t think we’ll have the chance to watch it ever.
It’s such a pity really, because I have a feeling the DVD cover might look something like this.

I dunno man, who’s interested in watching a 60-year-old Health Minister having sex?

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Hamsters Are Not Halal

Over my birthday weekend, I invited a few of my close friends to spend the night at the spectacular Santubong Suites.

When morning came, we headed out to the resort hotel next door to have our breakfast.
Just for fun, we brought along our pet hamsters with us.

Now I know from watching Ratatouille that rodents are normally not welcome at restaurants. But I guess it should be fine since there wasn’t much people around at the restaurant. Besides, the hamsters are all well-secured inside the cage.
We figured if the restaurant decides to make a fuss, we’ll just cooperate with them.

Not surprisingly, within minutes of us stepping into the restaurant, the manager approached us.
Manager: Hi, I’m the manager here. I’m sorry, but you cannot bring your hamsters into the restaurant. You’ll have to leave them outside, sir.
Kenny: Hmmm… I wouldn’t want some kids outside to play with them and take them away. It think it should be fine lah. We have them in the cage. They won’t run out.
Manager: I’m really sorry, but we operate as a halal restaurant. You cannot bring hamsters in here.
Kenny: Oh… ok loh.

Anyway, we cooperated with the restaurant and left the hamsters outside at the hotel reception. It was only until afterwards that something struck me as a little bit odd…
I could understand if I brought in a dog with some char siew pau strapped around it into a halal restaurant and get chased away by the manager. But hamsters?
Just because there’s “ham” in the word “hamsters” doesn’t mean they are mini porks.

Maybe they just think I’m a pig.
That’s why I’m also not halal.

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Is Dumbledore Really Gay?

It’s been all over the papers: Albus Dumbledore is gay.

Who would have thought? Even I have to admit I was caught by surprise.
Following shocking news by Harry Potter author JK Rowling that the lovable headmaster of Hogwarts is actually a homosexual, I looked back at previous episodes of the Harry Potter movie series to see if the producers had deliberately left any clues in any of the movie scenes.

Coming out of the closet

I gotta be honest, I didn’t get very far. In fact, I had to watch and re-watch some episodes in order to pick up some of the clues. But as soon as I found them, I said to myself “Hohoho… Rowling. You almost got me there.”
A lot of people didn’t notice, but there was this scene in one of the movies that showed Dumbledore in his office.

See that rainbow flag? And that magazine in hand?
Then there was this scene in the movie where he was involved with this group called Dumbledore’s Army. The movie led you to believe that Dumbledore’s Army was a bunch of student rebels headed by Harry Potter.
But no, Dumbledore’s Army is the name for an all-male strippers group. In his spare time, Dumbledore was a part of that group when he wasn’t busy being the greatest wizard of all time.

Gay. Totally gay.
And if that’s not convincing enough, Dumbledore had even released an album a long time ago.
But not just any album.

From the looks of it, Dumbledore appears to have inspiration from a certain Japanese fella called “Hard Gay”.

Who would’ve thought?

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One Big Fat Freaking Conspiracy

Happy (belated) National Day, my fellow Malaysians!

You know, sometimes people question me about my loyalty towards my country.
It’s no secret that I often poke fun at the way things are being run in our country, what with RM400,000 spent on public toilets and all. True, there are a lot of funny things in the country happening right before our eyes.
But make no mistake about it, despite the presence of some idiots managing this country, I still do love Malaysia.

Malaysia is my home, and it is the only place in the whole world that I can identify with.
I would say that I am patriotic.

I am so patriotic, I have a Malaysian flag on my car.

Fine. Maybe not as patriotic as this guy, because he has TWO flags on this car.
If patriotism is defined by how many flags you put on your car, it means this guy is TWICE as patriotic as I am.

Or this guy. He is SEVEN times more patriotic than me.

Ok fine. I accept defeat.
I may only have one flag on my car, BUT I’m still considered patriotic, alright?

I am patriotic. I love my country. Some may say that because I am a blogger, and bloggers are traditionally left-wing social activists who like to voice out against the might of the government, that I might actually be “anti-government”.
That is not true.
It’s true that many socio-political bloggers in Malaysia are activists, but it doesn’t mean that I always agree with them.

The problem with us bloggers is that we often have the habit of stretching the truth and jumping to conclusions. It can cause problems if people felt they were being defamed.
I should know. I myself have been wrongfully accused by other bloggers before. Once for alleged plagiarism, and the other time for supposedly not offering my help during a car accident I witnessed.
It felt like crap when you were accused for doing something you didn’t do, so I can totally understand why some people get their panties up in a twist and started suing bloggers.

Two years ago there was this big hoo-haa leading up to national day.
Apparently, some antique collector found out he has this song on vinyl record called “Mamula Moon”. It was a 1940s Hawaiian love song, but the chorus sounded eerily similar to the tune of our national anthem “Negaraku”.
Negaraku = Mamula Moon!
Immediately, a lot of Malaysian bloggers jump on the bandwagon and accused the government for plagiarising the Hawaiian song Mamula Moon and made it into our national anthem. Everyone was angry. Many questions were asked. But sadly none of those questions is the question I want to ask.
And the question I want to ask is… Can someone tell me what the hell is a MAMULA?!?

Click to play “Mamula Moon”

Personally, I think to say Negaraku is plagiarised is a bit too harsh. Perhaps the correct word to use here is “adapted”.
You see, the whole concept of copyright probably never existed back in the 1940s. They didn’t even have stuff like “blogs”, or “Youtube”, or “Limewire” to pirate MP3s around back then.
Whoever it was who wrote Mamula Moon probably never would’ve thought that some Malaysian could took his creation and made it into a Malaysian national anthem. And whoever it was who made Negaraku our national anthem probably also thought that no one would ever find out.

And if Mamula Moon is never copyrighted, it’s fair game for anyone to copy it and adapt it into their own.
So Malaysia’s national anthem Negaraku is adapted from the Hawaiian song Mamula Moon. Not plagiarised.
If you consider THAT plagiarising, why not state the immediately obvious?

Why not say that the Malaysian flag is plagiarised from the American flag?
One more thing.
Malaysia’s national flower is the hibiscus.

Hawaii‘s official state flower is also the hibiscus. Why not say that our national flower is also plagiarised from Hawaii?

Hang on.
Wait a minute.
I think I see a pattern here.
Malaysia national anthem Negaraku = Hawaiian song Mamula Moon.
Malaysian flag Jalur Gemilang = American flag. Hawaii is a state of America.
Malaysian national flower = Hawaiian state flower = the hibiscus.
COINCIDENCE?! I think not!

Call the X-files. Something looks wrong here. The truth is out there!
It’s all one Big Fat Hawaiian Conspiracy!
Behind the scenes, our country is secretly controlled by an evil Hawaiian dictator! There’s no prime minister or federal parliament. All those are fake. We are all plugged into some kinda Matrix world and all those things you read in the newspapers is just some propaganda bullshit designed to cover up THE TRUTH!
I did some investigation. Behold, this is the rare image of the Hawaiian dictator!
His name is… CAPTAIN MAMULA.
And this is how he looks like.

Yeah, that explains why the country is so screwed up sometimes.

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Blue Eyes

On the streets of Cairo, this frail old lady sitting on the side of the streets by herself. It was 6 in the morning.

I don’t know who she is, or what she does for a living. What I do know is that she possess one of the most hauntingly blue eyes I have ever seen.
It was as if behind those pair of deep blue eyes was a story of despair and hardship.

What is her name? How did she end up sitting alone in the streets so early in the morning? She couldn’t tell me because we do not speak the same language.
I believe that every single one around us has an amazing story waiting to be told.

Most of us think that we all lead normal lives and that other people’s lives are just so routine and boring it is not worth telling. We don’t make an effort to get to really get to know someone because we throught there was nothing special to learn from them.
It is only when we managed to get someone to open up, then we truly get blown away.

Have you got to know someone new today?

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Angelina Jolie Adopts Another Baby

So, Angelina Jolie adopted a boy from Vietnam recently to add to her multicultural family.

This may sound a little weird, but I can’t help but to feel somewhat jealous of those adopted kids.
Think about it. The lives of these kids are gonna change so dramatically, they can virtually piss and laugh at their biological parents who made the stupid decision to abandon them. From being an unwanted kid from an impoverished country; to the adopted child of a high-profile cash-loaded Hollywood celebrity – hey, who wouldn’t want that?

You gotta wonder what the situation is like at the orphanage centres when Hollywood celebrities come around. Getting people like Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt to adopt you is like winning first prize in 4D. You get your golden ticket to good life, unlimited supplies of video games, and attention from hot young sexy Hollywood actresses when you grow up.
It’s the kind of life that even normal people like us dream of.

Now, I might be flamed for being insensitive if I say this, but I wonder… If these kids know who Angelina Jolie is and what they’re getting into, surely they are gonna compete fiercely with each other to vy for her attention.
Heck, if I were one of those orphans, I’m gonna be so desperate that I might even start juggling balls, doing backflips, shouting “Pick Me! Pick Me!”
Then maybe Angelina Jolie is gonna look at me all droopy eyed and go “Awww… such a cute widdle baby.” before jetting me on a private plane back to Hollywood and live happily ever after with Brad Pitt and their four kids.

Long shot. But hey, it’s not just any other person you know. It’s ANGELINA JOLIE!

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Penang Good Food Guide

So I was in Penang recently and conducted a food tour courtesy of a few locals.

Both Penangites and Kuchingnites love their food passionately, though I must say Penangites take their love for food to a whole new level of obsession.
The best way to start a fight with a Penangite is to tell him the best Char Kueh Teow is not at his favourite stall. Then be prepared to argue with him until the cows come home and the Char Kueh Teow aunties pack up their stalls to go home watch Astro liaw.

But here’s what I think about Penang food. I gotta warn you extremist food lovers first though. The entry ahead contains brutally honest opinion. If you cannot handle the truth, then I guess that’s just too bad.

Penang Nasi Kandar

Penang has a lively and thriving Indian population. It’s very unlike in Kuching, where spotting an Indian walking down the street is an occasion for all Chinese people to point and stare.
Nasi Kandar is possibly one of the best things ever to come out from Penang. It is hot, spicy and oily but I love this dish to death. I went to Mohd Rafee in Pulau Tikus and Line Clear on Penang Road, and I enjoyed them both. Even now, typing this entry is enough to make me wanna fly to Penang and gorge myself silly with Nasi Kandar

Ordering Nasi Kandar is very much like ordering economical fast food in Kuching, except everything is almost in curry. You start with rice and then select from the many different types of curries to flood your rice with. The combination of these curry flavours give rise to a diverse but distinctive range of tastes.

Nasi Kandar stalls are also typically located close to drains. So when you eat Nasi Kandar, the “pleasant” aroma emitting from the drains nearby also comes free with no extra charge.

Penang Assam Laksa

I tried the one at Anson Road, although most commenters cited Ayer Itam wet market as having the best Assam Laksa instead.
But the truth is, this is the 4th time I tried the Penang laksa and I still do not like it! The Penang Assam Laksa I tried looks and smells like someone just scooped it up from the longkang water in their backyard, chucked some fish and pineapple in it, then served it to the customers. It looks bad. It smells foul.

Just like our own Kuching Belacan Beehoon, the Penang Assam Laksa is a love-hate affair. You either love it or hate it. For me, I just think it tastes too foul and sourish for my liking. I won’t say I flat out hate the dish.
Let’s just say it’s something I’d eat if I really hate myself.

Penang Ampala Sem Bueh

Why don’t we have this drink in Kuching?!
Ampala is a kind of mango-looking fruit and sem bueh is dried sour fruit. Mixed together and topped with ice, they make an excellent refreshing drink. They are so popular now, you can get them at almost all coffee shops in Penang. Perfect for washing down your hot assam laksa or oily Penang char kueh teow!

Penang Sup Torpedo

naeboo and I went to this roadside stall opposite the skanky Hotel Malaysia after a night of clubbing, and she yelled “Bagi dia SUP TORPEDO!”
The Indian waiter’s eyes opened up wide, as if to tell us “Whoa! Respect!”

The “torpedo” in this “sup” has nothing to do with the bombs Americans used to drop on Iraq. The “torpedo” in this case, is a bull’s penis, chopped into pieces, boiled in broth and served with a good dash of pepper. Supposedly, drinking Sup Torpedo helps improve vitality and cures erectile dysfunction.
When I come to Penang, I know I’d be tasting a range of good hawker food. Never did I expect that I’d be sucking on some dead animal’s lan jiao.

Penang Cendol

Check out the familiar face on the top right corner of this photo. Use your blain. Dun pray pray!

Commenters suggested that I go to Penang Road for cendol, and that’s where I went. There’s two stalls facing each other in a lane, both selling cendol. I find it really amazing that one stall has tons of people clamouring around it, waiting for their turn to give the owner money, whereas the other one only has the owner sitting there bored and chasing away mosquitoes.

It’s worth a try. Penang cendol is good, but I won’t say it’s fantastic. Maybe it’s the teochew style, but I’m not used to my cendol tasting like limp noodles in syrupy cold soup. I’m not sure why there’s more syrup than ice in my cendol. For the best cendol in the whole of Malaysia, you cannot go past Melaka.

What I love about this cendol stall in Penang Road though, is that they sell ice balls.
This is where they mould the ice shavings into the shape of a ball, pour syrup over it, and you just suck on it like your momma’s titties. And they cost just 70 cents.

And it tastes great especially on a hot, humid day.

Penang Char Kueh Teow

There are too many famous Char Kueh Teow stalls in Penang. Just by stating one’s preference over another is enough for you to start a fight with a Penangite.
The three favourites that was recommended to me by the commenters are Sister’s Char Kueh Teow at Macalister Road, and two stalls at Lorong Selamat.

Personally, my favourite Char Kueh Teow stall is the one at Lorong Selamat where the auntie wears protective goggles and a santa hat when she chars her kueh teow. Many commenters have warned me that this auntie has got some serious attitude problem and she fries her char kueh teow as if the whole world owes her cash.

Surprisingly, she was quite nice to me when I was there. I did purposely went out of my way to piss her off but she was kinda patient. Even the local Penangites who were with me remarked that her attitude that day is a little unusual.
I’m not sure why she’s so nice to me. Maybe she’s also a fan of

I must say, the Penang Char Kueh Teow totally deserves the iconic status that it has as the favourite food of all Penangites. The flavour of this wondrous dish packs such an impactful punch. The difference is the way they fry their kueh teow – with hot charcoal instead of gas.
I dare say their Char Kueh Teow kicks our pathetic Tomato Kueh Teow’s ass so freakin’ bad, you can taste their foot all the way from Kuching.

The only thing bad about this dish is that it is way too oily. If you ever fall sick due to high cholestrol, don’t worry – the cardiologist is just right across the road.
Penang Char Kueh Teow is SO DAMN OILY that when I go to the toilet, instead of pissing urine, I piss cooking oil.

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The Latest Fad In Beauty Salons

People are so desperate to look good nowadays, they are willing to believe absolutely anything.

A simple flip through local newspapers post-Chinese New Year shows that almost HALF the advertisement spaces are taken up by companies like Mrs Marie France, Miss Bella, Mr Svenson and the likes.
I am so touched. I don’t even know these people but they are so concerned about me that they wanna help me look younger, lose weight and grow hair. So caring!

Of course, the beauty industry is not stupid. They are happily taking advantage of the situation, cleverly turning people’s insecurities into a multimillion dollar business. They also boast some of the most ridiculous technology I have ever seen.
I mean, Xenon Pulsed Light that’ll diminish wrinkles by activating fibroblast cells with Short Infra Rays? WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
Give me a break! If the words of these companies are anything to go by, then wrapping your body with aluminium foil is gonna make you lose fat and zapping your face with lasers is gonna make your wrinkles go away.

So I tried zapping my face with lasers, but the results didn’t turn out what I expected.

And now, after skin care, weight loss and hair growth, the latest innovation to come out from the beauty industry is the boob-growing industry.
I’m not joking.
Take a look at this ad, taken from Singapore’s Straits Times newspaper.

With an ad like that, I am almost convinced to wanna grow boobies too.
Oh wait, I already have man boobs. 🙁

Just look at it. In big bold font, the advertisement asks, “IS YOUR C-CUP CLEAVAGE REAL OR JUST PUSHED-UP?”
But here’s the kicker.
When this company tries to describe the way they use to make boobies grow rounder, this is what they say.

Massaging your boobs with essential oils is gonna make them rounder and firmer? Seriously, who’s gonna believe that crock of bullshit?
If it were really that simple, I might as well just quit my job and open up a one of those beauty salons.

Then I’ll tell those women I can help them get bigger rounder boobs by massaging them with my essential oils, and I’m gonna charge them a lot of money just to see me.
And when they step through the door at my consultation room, this is what they’re gonna see.

I can make money, I make women feel good about themselves and I get to massage their boobies.
Who wouldn’t want this job?

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