Spotted this incredible offer outside a cybercafe in Ipoh.
This cybercafe is giving free internet access, forever!
You gotta wonder how is that even possible. That’s like Giant opening up their shop and asking everyone to take their groceries without paying. Forever!
How the heck can this kinda business even make money right?
No wonder close shop already.
Reader Cheryl sent in this photo of a toothpaste she saw at her local supermarket.
Think it’s a toothpaste of a popular brand?
Take a closer look.
Oral Me! Would you like to oral me?
What kinda dumbass came up with the brilliant idea of calling a toothpaste “Oral Me”? What was he thinking?! The guy has only one job coming up with a product name, and he stuffs it up by calling it “Oral Me”!
Bloody hell, I could think of a million different names for a toothpaste, and all of it would sound better than “Oral Me”.
They might as well call it “The Blowjob Toothpaste”, and it would still sound better than “Oral Me”.
Can you imagine the TV advertisement for this product?
“Oral Me… Toothpastes That Suck!”
Reader Kenny Cheah sent this in.
“Saw this ad in Taiwan. Not sure if anyone already posted this to you. Obviously, I was the only one laughing all the way from the aiport to the MRT until I reached my hotel.”
“Let Shanghai Bank manage your finance. Bring PUKI home!”
There’s even A SONG.
It is just so wrong on so many levels naming your company’s toy mascot after a favourite word Ah Bengs use to scold people. I wanna try to make a joke out of it, but I think I’ll just take the classy road and stay quiet.
I only have one question though.
If the name of that little pig is called PUKI, does that mean his mother is called PUKIMA?
Remember that Jackie Chan movie from the early 90s, City Hunter?
Like they say, this is so bad it’s good.
Man, why don’t they make movies like these anymore?
Something odd I found in the vacancies section of today’s newspaper.
I can understand what’s the job of a cashier or a bartender. But take a look at the third line.
Can someone tell me what exactly is the job scope of a “Cold Dish”?
I thought a “cold dish” is a type of food. NOT SOMETHING YOU CAN PUT IN YOUR RESUME!
Can you imagine what your future employers are gonna think if you tell him that you’ve been working as a “cold dish” for the past 6 months?
Makes me wonder what the interview process for the job of a “cold dish” is gonna be like.
How many bad Chinese New Year songs do we have to tolerate each year until our brains start falling off?
Original Chinese New Year songs are good enough as they are, but YEAR AFTER YEAR some idiots JUST have to put out these Weapons of Mass Destruction aka underaged kids with too much make-up on their ugly faces, screaming through the music videos in a supposedly “cute” fashion.
How can anyone stand that kind of torture?!
If you’re thinking it couldn’t get any worse, you are wrong. In a desperate attempt to spice up your favourite Chinese New Year songs, someone came up with an album intelligently titled… Chinese New Year Songs (Dance Remix).
Mark my words, this song is gonna be a HUGE in clubs worldwide.
Took out Sunday’s paper, saw this.
On first glance, it appears just like a regular national paper’s education insert with a cover story about a bunch of Malaysian undergrads in the USA who took time out from their studies to travel across the country.
Upon closer inspection, I noticed something a little peculiar.
Noticed anything out of place?
Here, lemme zoom in a little closer.
McSHIT!
What the heck is a McSHIT!
Is it when you go McDonald’s and eat too much Big Mac, then have to go toilet to make McSHIT!?
More importantly, how did something like “McSHIT” made its way onto our national newspaper. ON THE COVER OF THE EDUCATION INSERT SOME MORE!
Someone’s gonna get into trouble at The Star‘s offices today. Are they nuts? You’d think The Star would’ve realised their mistake when they put McShit on the cover of their Education insert. But nooooooo…
Flip open the center page, and you’re greeted with this.
OH MY GAWD! IT’S A HAPPY McSHIT!
Guinness, The World’s Most Enjoyable Ass.
“Over 10 Million Asses Of Guinness Enjoyed The World (Every) Single Day”
It’s the most popular drink ordered at gay bars around the world.
A lot of flak has been given to our Science Ministry for sending a Malaysian astronaut into space to make teh tarik for the Russians.
A lot of flak has also been given to me for poking fun at Malaysia. But sometimes, it’s not that I wanna joke about my own home country. Sometimes, the jokes just write themselves.
In Malaysia’s defence, we’re not the only country with the dubious honour of being admitted into the ‘Odd News’ section of world newspapers. Recently, it was reported that a zoo in our neighbouring Thailand ran into some problems with the two pandas they’re taking care.
Apparently, the Thais have this two pandas, a male and a female, for four years. All these while, they are trying to push the two of them together, so they could produce some baby pandas and spur on the population of this endangered species. Alas, four years has passed, and nothing happened. Try as they may, the male panda simply cannot get horny enough to hump the female panda.
It then occurred to the Thais that it is very possible that the male panda does not even know the art of making love!
So what the Thais are gonna do – and I’m seriously not making this up – is to screen “PANDA PORN”.
You don’t get to say the words “panda porn” very often.
How it has come to this, I have no idea. I thought animals are naturally born to know how to have sex. Apparently that is not the case.
Heck, even as humans, some of us don’t know how to have sex. Sex education in Form 3 has never been explicit, Malaysian film censors always cut out juicy parts of movies and sex still remains a taboo topic in today’s society.
If it weren’t for the occassional glimpse of underground porn videos on the Internet that everyone would have come across at some point in their lives, I bet Malaysians would end up as an endangered species, next to pandas.
God knows why the two stupid pandas don’t wanna have sex. Maybe the male panda just didn’t wanna sleep with his housemate. Or maybe they just feel awkward together. Everyone knows that when you try to force your male friend and a female friend together, it never works out.
To their credit, the Thais had probably tried other things in their power to make the male panda horny.
The Thais made him listen to raunchy hip-hop music, but the clueless panda must’ve thought 50 Cents’ “Candy Shop” meant sweets and lollies. They brought him to visit the topless bars in Bangkok, but the male panda is not interested – female pandas walk around with no clothes on all the time!
Go-go bars in Bangkok have an unexpected guest
When push comes to shove, the zoo had no choice but to ring up Discovery Channel and say “give us your hottest panda sex making tapes, RIGHT NOW”.
I can’t even imagine how “panda porn” is gonna look like.
Oh my.
Less than one week away to the close of entries for the LG White Chocolate Giveaway Contest and the submissions are still rolling in.
I gave the topic looking for real life stories of crazy things desperate people do to win a boy or a girl’s heart. A lot of people missed the point and gave me some boring lovey-dovey stories about how they fell in love with their partners. They are really sweet and romantic, but I wasn’t looking for those. Then there are people who submit stories not about desperation for a boy or a girl, but for a bolster.
Only a handful come up with bizarre and hilarious stories that really hit the mark. Regardless, thank you for all your submissions. I wish I had 350+ phones to give out but too bad I only have one. It was difficult, but I managed to narrow so many entries down to the best three.
If I don’t change my mind between now and the end of the competition, one of the following readers could be getting their hands on a brand new LG White Chocolate.
I wanna give Pathetic a pat on the back after he posted his story.
“I’m your typical pathetic loser.
It happened when I was in Form 2. There was this girl that I really liked P. At that point, being young and naive, I thought that love was easy.
I guess she was toying with the fact that i liked her, her friends as well as mine knew about this one way relationship.
Why?
Coz I was sort of like her boyfriend. That’s it. She wasn’t my girlfriend.
Well, being young and naive, I thought that I had her in the bag. Thoughts or marriage and nonsense.
Anyway, she forced me to do things for her. Now thinking back, I was pretty dumb to oblige to everything.
She wanted to eat Ipoh hor fun during reccess one day. When i say Ipoh, I mean Ipoh. I sneaked out of school, took a taxi to Puduraya, got a bus, went to Ipoh, bought the hor fun, came back to KL. By then, it was night already. Called her, she said she didn’t want it anymore.
It was a Saturday night, she called me. Said she wants me to go to her house to make a cup of milo for her. So I walked to her house (her house was in the other neighbourhood), ringed the doorbell, guess what? Her dad came out holding a police-like baton threatening to kill me. He didn’t believe me when I told him her daughter asked me to come over. He said his daughter would never befriend a guy like me and she was already asleep. Got into a lot of trouble with my parents when I got home.
On Monday, I enquired her about it. She slapped me across the face. During assembly, I was left hurt and ashamed.
From that day ’till today, we have not spoken. I thought obliging to her wishes would make her accept me. Guess not.
So, do you agree that I’m a pathetic loser?
I’m sure you are nodding frantically now.”
Lucky she only said Ipoh hor fun, and not Mongolian lamb chop.
JC has a friend who did something so digustingly weird it’s incomprehensible.
“This guy, B, liked this friend of mine, S, way back in Form 4 but S barely noticed him as she doesn’t really know him. So one fine day, a group of us were discussing about a sensitive issue (maybe not really sensitive la… since we actually discussed bout it). It was about masturbation :p… hehe… midway through the discussion, B came over to see what’s going on. Coincidentally, when he came over, S raised a question to the group “how does sperm look like?”
I guess B saw that as a chance to get her to notice him more because the very next morning he brought a small container with white gooey substance in it. He looked for S before class started and passed it to her telling her what it was and added “now you not only know how it looks like, you can know how it feels and smells”. S was so disgusted she threw the container at him while the rest of us couldn’t stop laughing. Through out the remainder one and a half years of life in secondary school, he never dared come close to our group of friends anymore because every time he was seen by us, there will be a huge roar of laughter.”
He gave the girl he’s after a jar of his own semen!? What the hell was he thinking?!
A funny desperate addict story is by this crazy girl with a nickname iwilleatyourpetfrogalive.
“OKAY. YOU’RE GONNA THINK I’M FREAKING WEIRD AFTER THIS. BUT JUST HEAR ME OUT, AND DONT DO IT YOURSELF, COS IT DOESN’T WORK.
Okay, so I’m totally in love with this guy right. No wait, he’s a GOD. He is a fucking GOD.
First day I meet him, he looks like a GOD. He even has rings of purple around his head, just like Buddhadoes, but even brighter. He was working at this restaurant. And I didnt know what to do when I saw him. He was just the greatest thing I had ever seen. Like, his hotness was insane crazy insane that I felt scared to even touch him in case I got burnt with his hotness. TSS. So, the next day I go back and I ask for a job. They werentgiving one away, so I told them that I am actually from THE STAR newspaper doing a cover on “minimum wage in Malaysia and it’s effects on modern globalization”
I had no fucking idea what it blinking meant, but to the owner, it sounded impressive so he signed me up for a week. AHHHHAHAHH! I was ecstatic. So, I managed to talk to the guy. His voice was like… Ok, his voice sounded like BUDDHA+JESUS+BRAD+OPRAH all mixed into one. His words were like… Seriously I dont even remember what he said to me, but he definitely wasnt interested in me. As much as I want to hope and pray he definitely wasnt. I worked as a waiter, and he was behind the bar. I found out a few things about him, his email, phone number and ADDRESS. Hoho. I am a professional lover/stalker now. I hardly ever spoke to him; I just searched the restaurant’s computer for his details. Sometimes, I’m even scared of breathing near him. I don’t wanna take up his sacred oxygen. That will cause a serious unbalance to the world’s extinct population of hotness.
So after a week, I had to leave. But, I had his address!!!! And his number.. =O the same night I left my ‘cover job’ I went to MPH and bought this book about witchcraft. I then made a spell for love. The ingredients and actions were stupid as hell, but what the heck. I had to go out at 2 am to 7-11 and buy two packets of condoms. The book said that it was so that it will bless my future mind blowing sex with the guy. If that was the case, I’ll gladly buy every condom in Malaysia. So, I got the ingredients and burnt them, and then went to his house and spread the ashes on his front porch. His cat was sleeping on the top of his car, so I chucked some ash on its fur as well. The next thing I did was call him. I don’t know why I called him, I didn’t dare ask him out or anything, but I just wanted him so bad.
So basically, this was our conversation.
Me: HEY!!
Guy: Hello.
Me: Hi hi!
Silence…
Guy: Err… Who’s this?
Me: Oh! Sorry! I am from the ministry of the city council. (wth does that mean???)
Guy: Oh… Ok. What can I do for you?
Me: We are running a project that needs current and accurate statistics from our community. I would like to ask you about your local… local… Indian temple.
Guy: What?
Me: Err. Local Indian temple.
Guy: Err. Ok.
Me: So, does the burning and smoke from the temple disturb you at all?
Guy: No.
Me: Does the smell from the coconut milk irritate you?
Guy: Err. No.
Me: How do you feel about free food that is given to the poor at the temple?
Guy: I think it is good.
Me: So, how do you feel about sex before marriage?
Guy: What??
Me: Thank you. Goodbye.
And I’ll put down the phone.
I did that only once. I didn’t dare call back in case he recognised my voice.
I also took photos of him working in the restaurant, and I printed it out on stickers, and every night, before I sleep, I stick a sticker on my lucky birth mark that is on my right buttock.
I have no idea what sort of music he likes, so I send him different cd’s every two weeks. I write a note on it saying it is from Hitz.fm. Or just crap something.
You know how you see in the movies, when your boyfriend’s girlfriend wants to surprise you at night when you are sleeping. So, I wanted to do that for him. He didnt know me at all, and it might be a lil creepy for him seeing a person he does not know at all below his window. But I dont care. I just had to do it. Ive seen it so many times in the movies, I just had to try it! So, I bought a bunch of red roses and candles and a fat big red ribbon. And I waited until it was 3.00 a.m. And then went to his house. And I tied the ribbon round my waist. (I AM THE PRESENT. Hoho.) And lit the candles and held the bunch of roses. Then I took the pebbles from the road and threw it at the first window I saw, which was right of the house door. (I HAD NO IDEA WHICH ONE WAS HIS WINDOW) I threw a small one first, but the window was too far and too high. So I figured if I threw a heavier one, by some bloody physics miracle+calculation, the energy would add up and cause the pebble to travel further. I threw a couple of times but missed. I kept on hitting the grill. So, I threw the last time and the bloody pebble hit his window and blinking made a hole through it. It didnt crack and break the whole window. It just made a hole in it. The lights went on, and I started freaking out. I ran, leaving the roses and the candles behind, with the stupid ribbon on my waist I ran.
I tihnk that pretty much sums up how much of an idiot I was. But I was so in love with him. Maybe it was just lust. But I wanted him so bad! After a couple of weeks, I walked by the restaurant and saw him with his hands over a girl, laughing like she had just made the world’s most fantastic joke. -.- there isn’t much space left to type, but I sorta found out where she lived. She had a tank of fish and a cute shih-tzu on her porch. I climbed over the gate in the middle of the night. (THANK BLOODY GOD THERE IS NO SENSOR ALARM. I TESTED FIRST BY THROWING TOILET ROLLS OVER THE GATE) I gave the dog a hair cut… Hahha. Like a ridiculous haircut. And then I pulled two of her fishes out of the tank and brought it home with me. In case they ever do get married, I will cook the fish and eat it to their celebration.”
Congratulations to the three finalists.
So, who do you think deserves to win?