Panda Love

A lot of flak has been given to our Science Ministry for sending a Malaysian astronaut into space to make teh tarik for the Russians.

A lot of flak has also been given to me for poking fun at Malaysia. But sometimes, it’s not that I wanna joke about my own home country. Sometimes, the jokes just write themselves.
In Malaysia’s defence, we’re not the only country with the dubious honour of being admitted into the ‘Odd News’ section of world newspapers. Recently, it was reported that a zoo in our neighbouring Thailand ran into some problems with the two pandas they’re taking care.

Apparently, the Thais have this two pandas, a male and a female, for four years. All these while, they are trying to push the two of them together, so they could produce some baby pandas and spur on the population of this endangered species. Alas, four years has passed, and nothing happened. Try as they may, the male panda simply cannot get horny enough to hump the female panda.
It then occurred to the Thais that it is very possible that the male panda does not even know the art of making love!
So what the Thais are gonna do – and I’m seriously not making this up – is to screen “PANDA PORN”.

You don’t get to say the words “panda porn” very often.
How it has come to this, I have no idea. I thought animals are naturally born to know how to have sex. Apparently that is not the case.
Heck, even as humans, some of us don’t know how to have sex. Sex education in Form 3 has never been explicit, Malaysian film censors always cut out juicy parts of movies and sex still remains a taboo topic in today’s society.
If it weren’t for the occassional glimpse of underground porn videos on the Internet that everyone would have come across at some point in their lives, I bet Malaysians would end up as an endangered species, next to pandas.

God knows why the two stupid pandas don’t wanna have sex. Maybe the male panda just didn’t wanna sleep with his housemate. Or maybe they just feel awkward together. Everyone knows that when you try to force your male friend and a female friend together, it never works out.
To their credit, the Thais had probably tried other things in their power to make the male panda horny.
The Thais made him listen to raunchy hip-hop music, but the clueless panda must’ve thought 50 Cents’ “Candy Shop” meant sweets and lollies. They brought him to visit the topless bars in Bangkok, but the male panda is not interested – female pandas walk around with no clothes on all the time!

Go-go bars in Bangkok have an unexpected guest

When push comes to shove, the zoo had no choice but to ring up Discovery Channel and say “give us your hottest panda sex making tapes, RIGHT NOW”.
I can’t even imagine how “panda porn” is gonna look like.

Oh my.


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73 Replies to “Panda Love”

  1. how the porn gonna look like? hmm is it the human porn or the panda making love documentary.. even if panda see the human porn, would it be able to understand?
    as for the malaysian teh tarik over space… sigh!

  2. Hehe, a good old Kenny post! The Panda in the club is the best. Let’s kick out the kids and New Zealand pics and get some more of these photo edits, that is what you are best at.
    Have a happy birthday celebration, looks like a cool club, but I’m not going to Kuching for the weekend!

  3. yeah agree with shuhui…maybe the poor panda’s all gay-ed up. hmm or they can try replacing bamboo shoots with tongkat ali.

  4. HA!HA!HA!KENNY ON ENDANGERED LIST!I AM VERY SURE U HAVE NO PROBLEM FINDING PARTNER.VERY FUNNY ENTRY.BTW HAPPY B-DAY, COULDN’T MADE IT TO KCH, LEAVE NO APPROVED. I WILL LOVE TO SPRAY SOME HORNYNISH IN UR PARTY.

  5. You are right. I find that a lot of maresians are rude, unpolite and as hateable as sydney aussies. Still love Kiwis the most.

  6. Maybe it’s gay. Or it lost its sex drive which can’t be recovered.
    But LMAO! I love the Endangered Species thing!

  7. maybe.. just maybe.. for a female panda, lin hui is really really really really really unattractive 😛
    or maybe chuang chuang’s queer. maybe lin hui’s queer.
    maybe chuang chuang decided to be a monk. tee hee.
    from the article in theage, it says it costs the m’sian govt RM95 million to send that dude into space. if that really is the case, shame on us.

  8. I’m not sure whether i was high when i wrote this post, COZ i think ppl should be thinking about the teh tarik in space more…just THINK about it…the basis for the teh tarik’s wonderful taste n well temperate flavour is GRAVITY! remember how the teh tarikers tarik teh with such grace n skill? they RELY on GRAVITY!!! so how the hades are the they going to do that in space??? where there is NO GRAVITY???
    but nuff bout that…lol
    i can’t believe that i’m still seeing panda porn jokes here in all places!!haha i have been hearing panda porn jokes for the past few WEEKS already, my goodness… e.g.
    i) http://mediocrefilms.com/mating.html
    ii)”The porn seems to be working!” says 1 reporter, “after examining the porn, the male panda showed his intelligence by fast forwarding to the ‘good’ parts…”
    iii)comedian: “I think that the panda porn has gotta stop. It is making things WORSE! Coz experts just commented that the male panda now refuses to hav sex with any1 besides Jenna Jameson.”
    iv)[this joke is base on the chinese pandas]
    With a name like ‘Ling-Ling’, no wonder the male panda is gay!

  9. Of all things that we could experiment in space, they decided to experiment the making of teh tarik and the painting of batik, as per the link kenny provided.
    At times like this, don’t we just feel so proud being Malaysians, home and abroad?

  10. If the panda’s originated from Thai, I would probably say the male aint doing anything because it knows the female aint who the others claim to be *trans*

  11. Pandas are stupid and lazy animals…They usually spend most of the time sleeping… That’s why they don’t even have sex. I wonder why China treat it as endangered animals.

  12. It is so true. I learnt in school that pandas just don’t mate like other animals. They need the right weather (cool) and place (clean and tidy), must have enough food (bamboo) and comfortable before they mate, and the problems is usually the males that don’t wanna mate. Hehe, cute animal kingdom we have

  13. ”God knows why the two stupid pandas don’t wanna have sex. Maybe the male panda just didn’t wanna sleep with his housemate. Or maybe they just feel awkward together. Everyone knows that when you try to force your male friend and a female friend together, it never works out.”\
    maybe the male panda is gay. ;D
    lol XD

  14. you know what would be ironic? the pandas finally having sex and the ppl discover the the male panda has panda e.d. muahhaha…..

  15. lol. actually they do have to be taught. i played a zoo game and you had to put the animation so they’ll understand. very “educational”. lol.

  16. totally out of the topic, but anyway..
    is there a law againts verbal abuse here in m’sia? can i sue someone for it? as in serious case lar, not those kacang puteh cases..please advise.

  17. showing porn to panda is very common in China, because panda is a lazy species, so maybe they’re lazy even to have sex..who knows -_-
    so breeder will put a male and female together and show them porn, and they’ll get horny after watching..serious.

  18. I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women
    differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars
    thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
    FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were
    getting into bed.
    Well, the passion starts to heat up, we were all over each other
    and just when I was ready to pound nails through two inch plywood she
    looks up at me and says “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold
    me.”
    I said “WHAT??!! What was that?!”
    So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads
    to hear… “You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman
    enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.” She
    responded to
    my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and
    not what I do for you in the bedroom?”
    Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to
    sleep.
    The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend
    time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a
    big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she
    tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each
    outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of
    diamond earrings. Let me tell you…she was so excited. She must have
    thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was
    testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.” She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the
    excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I
    think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.”
    I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I
    don’t feel like it.”
    Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a
    baffled “WHAT?”
    I then said “Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a
    while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for
    me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.” And just when she had
    this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just
    love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”
    Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either….but at least that
    bitch knows I’m smarter than her.

  19. I think the male panda’s gay; as gay as Stan Marsh’s dog (South Park, Colorado).
    Videos please Kenny of Panda Porn and your birthday party.

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  21. haha~ funny!
    actually i think animal porn is not unusual anymore.. watched in animal planets where there were two chimps who don’t mate.
    and the animal keepers actually gave them chimp mating video for both of them to watch!!
    so what is all this big fuss all about?
    this is not the first..

  22. haha~ funny!
    actually i think animal porn is not unusual anymore.. watched in animal planets where there were two chimps who don’t mate.
    and the animal keepers actually gave them chimp mating video for both of them to watch!!
    so what is all this big fuss all about?
    this is not the first..

  23. Why don’t people freaking read the other comments before posting comments themselves?? So many people say the male panda is gay. Please la, so many people say already, u still wanna say for wat.

  24. the comments aussie made about malaysia is dam saddening … the age in AU is a well known newspaper and wat they wrote bout it has a huge impact in aus …
    WTF is the gov doing ? wtf scientific study ? have they farking lost it or what ? i’ve been through uni and do u know how many of my friends have to go through so much farking hardships juz to get enough money to pay for the farking fees ??? now they are wasting farking 95 mill juz to play chong kak, 5 stones and make teh tarik ???
    IS THE TEH TARIK WORHT 95 MILL ? THEY FREAKING BETTER MAKE TONS OF THEM !!! … msia has always been a laughing stock to country … now they trying to prove their point izzit ???
    i think we msia pay too much tax until they got no where to spend on … till they have to send two ppl to space juz to make an arse out of themselves … somemore The Star said that the traning program is free ??? why not juz say the whole thing is free … then we wont be such a dumbass also … fark this s**t man …

  25. typo at previous post … “Other coutry” …
    ooo yea … 1st to make teh tarik in space … HOW COOL IS THAT ??? WUUUUU
    a few suggestions to the gov which you can do in space
    1. make kueh lapis
    2. make roti cannai
    3. make kopi o
    4. make rendang
    5. make nasi lemak
    6. make pulut
    7. make satay
    8. make curry
    9. make laksa
    10. make ice kacang
    11. blah blah blah
    101 things you can make in space and you will be the first one to do it…. ISN’T THAT COOL ???
    TRY PRINTING MONEY IN SPACE ALSO LA !

  26. I think there is a possibility of him being gay, since i read before that scientists found of that homosexuality does in fact occur in the animal world. Though I’m not certain if it confines to only primates. Probably not though. Lols…

  27. LMAO! Panda porn. I assume it’s documentaries of pandas making love.
    Oh, and I adore that Endangered Species list. Wahaha, Malaysians.

  28. Panda Porn…hahaha…Crazy. I think the problem Panda have was very low sex desire. And the problem panda keeper have was, they don’t know how to differentiate panda’s sex.
    They might have kept 2 same sex panda in same cage. That’s why ‘NO OFFSPING’.

  29. I’ve seen those articles about panda porn ages ago. It atcually worked, maybe you can dig up taht article somewhere. i’m not sure whether it was Thailand’s zoo’s pandas though that they showed the porn too and worked. in fact, i think that female panda alreayd had some mini pandas ages ago.

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