Category: Distinctively Kuching

A Blog From Jail

Front page headlines

Kenny made front page headlines

Gee, how bad would that headline look?
So many illicit drug dealers and anabolic steroid traffickers out there and yet they jailed me – an innocent person trying to lose weight, work out, take my vitamins and improve my health.
I sincerely appreciate all the comments from both sides of the camp – those who support my stance and those who think I was being stupid for making a big deal out of this. What you all wrote in my comment box definitely crossed my mind at some stage. Oh, and a special thank you also to all commenters with a sense of humour. 🙂

“*ROFL* i will write you letters when u stay behind bars…maybe once in a while bring magazine or chewing gum for you lol”
“I’m tuning in tomorrow to see what happens! And if i never see another update ill know they smacked you over the head at the post office and dragged you away to prison. :)”
– Adrian
“all i can do is hope that you’ll have your internet access to blog bout your life in jail for coming 3 years ..*praying*”
– sandkan

Gee, thanks for having so much confidence in me guys.
And here’s my personal favourite.

“You see, this is no free contry hosay. You gotta do it like the Cubans. Send someone there, take out the supplements and put them in a Vitamin C bottle. This will surely pass the customs. Or else do it old school. Condoms and stuff it up the transporters ass. Even the dogs can’t sniff them shat.”
Body builder officionada, Arnold Susahnakeja.

HAHA! Susahnakeja = Susah Nak Kerja. In Malay that means ‘Too difficult to wanna work’. Hmmm its not funny anymore once you try to explain it.


On my way to the Post Office. What’s with the Singaporean and Sarawakian flags anyway?

There were those who advised me to err on the safe side. Uzyn , xar and ‘civil servant’ all kindly warned me that I run the risk of creating more trouble for myself. Malaysian government bodies has been known to be inflexible, stubborn and unnegotiable. My chances are too low. I have to give up my money. They are the law and I cannot win. I am David, they are Goliath.
They were right in many ways. In hindsight, it was probably a bad move for me to argue with a government official over something trivial that’s worth only RM500. This drama could easily balloon up to thousands of dollars in legal costs or worse, me getting locked up.

Outside the Post Office. Kenny gets ready. *cue theme music from Kill Bill*

I admit I was wrong losing my temper. I over-reacted, definitely. I was upset at the prospect of losing my money.
However one thing clear from my phone conversation yesterday was that they were unprepared for my rebuttal. They’re probably used to people backing out and have their items confiscated all because these minions have memorised the name of the Act, the fine and the jail term etc to scare these innocent civilians.
The sad fact is that most people simply surrender and raise their white flags when government officials get in their face.
“Too much trouble lah! Can’t win them lah! Better to lose RM500 than to lose RM25,000. I dun wanna go to court. Aiya what to do? Boh pien lah! Blame on myself being suay loh!”
Inside Mail Center

Inside the Mail Center

But heh, I was such a hard-ass. I blame my roots with University student unions for my refusal to budge. I just thought I was bullied into a no-win situation. The bullies being the Customs and the Ministry of Stealth… I mean, Health. Why can’t I send my items back despite the assurance me and my seller have given them? It is just something I couldn’t swallow.
From my perspective, they gained absolutely nothing from destroying my items, and I stand to lose a lot of money for absolteuly no reason at all. Maybe its too much work for them to allow me to send the items back. Maybe their attitude really is susahnakeja!
“Too much work to let this guy get his refund lah! Need to sit through watching him pack and wrap everything up some more. Fuiyoh. Think I so free ah? I’d rather go home and watch Astro you know? Haiyah just pop it into the incinerator enough liaw lah. Make some BBQ-vitamins. Teeheehehe.”

In the Ministry of Health’s inspection office whilst waiting for them to arrive

I think eventually they realised that it is only gonna reflect badly on them if they were to drag me to court over some vitamins. Two big government bodies versus someone who just wanted to take his supplements and get healthy. Besides I’ve created a win-win situation for them: They’re not breaking any rules by not giving me the items, and by allowing me to return my items I get to have my refund. So who’s losing?


That’s my four bottles of sports supplements and my letter to Yes, I’m getting my refund!

Which is why I’m glad they came to their senses. 🙂

My loss = RM15.30 worth of postage. Hmm… better than RM500 I reckon.

PHEW! Luckily I’m still here blogging instead of spending the night behind bars whilst risking my asshole being manually expanded. Heh! Sorry I deliberately update late to create suspense. 😉
This afternoon I went over to the Post Office and met with the official/minion from the Ministry of Health. No further questions were asked – I was given my supplements right away. With both the Customs and the Ministry of Health watching, I packed those four bottles of supplements into a box, paid RM15.30 for postage and mailed them off right then and there.

Me going to court? Nahhhh…. You going back to the States? FUCK YEAH!

And that’s the end of the story of a 22-year-old who questioned the decisions of the authorities, but yet managed to negotiate a situation that benefits everyone.
Let this be a lesson to be learnt: just because their ass is bigger, doesn’t mean you’re fucked. You won’t be fucked if you don’t just lie there and allow them to fuck you. Ok sorry for the crass language. But hey, if you believe you’re right and they’re wrong – question them, argue with them, negotiate with them and work out a win-win solution. That’s the only way things can change.
So as I walked back to my car, I adjusted my underwear slightly to account for the slight expansion of my testicles. 😉


I win. 🙂

Kenny – 1     Malaysian Customs – 0

Kenny Vs Malaysian Customs Dept / Ministry of Health

I am so bitterly utterly incensed angry furious POOH-SENG RIGHT NOW!!!!!
GAAARRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! *bites a chunk off the keyboard*
HUH! I bet you’re so stupid you can’t even spell the word ‘stupid’!
*mocks* “How to spell stupid har? S-T-E-W-P-I-G… is that correct or not har? heheheheee”


I was actually in a good mood today. I wanted to write about happy happy things like the birds lah, butterflies lah, my balls lah. Mana tau one stupid phone call changed my mood for the rest of the day!
GAHHH!!!! @^@$%$RT$T$#^$%%$$R#@$!@$!!!!!


I am very angry. Ok lah, trying to be angry.

ok ok ok ok… calm down, Kenny calm down…
My baby nephew just walked into my room. It is very difficult for me to keep a straight face and smile when I have smoke coming out of my nose and ears.
*deep breaths*

I’m a nice guy. 🙂
No really I am.
Damn those idiots. Now I have to get myself a new keyboard.

Right. Let’s start from the beginning.
(Long rant ahead, so fix yourself a cup of Milo first)
See, I’ve always been a very health-conscious guy. When I was in Perth I worked out at the gym regularly, cooked my own dinner and watched what I eat. At my peak I weighed 72kg. But ever since I returned to Kuching I’ve stopped exercising, started eating cheap MSG-laden kopitiam food and before I knew it I became this.

Oh my. The bathroom scales was eclipsed by my guts.

So I decided to get back in shape but two things were stopping me:
1. I sold all my vitamins and health supplements before I moved back to Kuching.
2. The closest thing to Fitness First I could find in Kuching was this piece of crap.

This is the best crappy gym in Kuching.

Eventually I settled on the Gym Masyarakat and ordered my batch of supplements online from the United States. I’ve always shopped online at and I never had a problem with them because after all, the supplements I bought were all legal, harmless, health-promoting and can easily be bought over the counter at GNC. Its just that GNC never had the brands I wanted and their prices are almost always double that of
So two weeks ago I got a letter from the Post Office asking me to pick up a parcel.

In Kuching, you have to go over to the post office personally to pick up your parcel.

I headed over to the post office, picked up my parcel, opened it, and immediately realised something was wrong. I got my protein powders, but my 3 bottles of ZMA vitamins and a bottle of Nitric Oxide were missing. In place of them was this letter from the Malaysian Ministry of Health.
Warning letter

Bloody. What’s all these enlightening gibberish language?

For the benefit of those who doesn’t read Bahasa Melayu, allow me exercise my powderful translation of the above letter for you.

Dear Kenny,
We have seized the above items because they contravened the Testicle Size Regulation Act 1984. You have committed an offence which could see you fined up to RM25,000 and/or have both your balls cut off and shrunk to the size of raisins courtesy of our resident headhunters.
2. It is our duty to prevent people like you from getting too healthy. You see, our KLCC twin towers lost the title of Tallest Building in the World to that cibai Taiwan. Which is why it is our goal to beat the USA and become The Fattest Nation in the World. MALAYSIA BOLEH!
3. Meanwhile how much do you think I can sell your things on eBay har? I mean you won’t be needing it anymore right?
Forking Ediot
cc. Malaysian Customs Dept,
Malaysian Post Office

(If you believe the above translation was correct, do yourself a favour and jump off a tree)


Those bastards double-teamed on me

I was obviously unhappy my parcel was opened and things taken out of it. All the supplements I bought were factory sealed with its ingredients clearly labelled on the side. If they ever doubt its veracity they could always pass it through an X-ray machine. At least that’s what I know the Australian customs would do.
Malaysian law requires all pills and tablets to be registered with the Ministry of Health before they can be brought in (powders are ok). I admit I ordered these because of my ignorance of the law, which is why I decided to “let them win”. Obviously I wanted these to be shipped back to so I can get a refund.
So I wrote back to them (this one is serious and unaltered).

Pejabat Pengarah,
Jabatan Kesihatan Negeri Sarawak
Jalan Tun Abang Haji Openg
93590 Kuching, Sarawak.
To Whom It May Concern
Re: JKNSWK-F-UPF/5JLD xx(xxx)
I received a notice from you regarding the seizure of following items that was posted to me by BodyBuilding.Com Inc from the United States of America.
1) Now ZMA (3 bottles)
2) BSN Nitrix (1 bottle)
I was advised that these items were seized because they were not registered with Pihak Berkuasa Kawalan Dadah. Allow me to inform you that the above items are harmless. Attached are the ingredients of the above two items.
However, I accept your decision to remove it from my possession.
Instead, I ask that you allow the above items to be shipped back to Inc in the United States. I will write a letter to advise them to give me my refund, and they will acknowledge this. I will bear all costs involved in shipping the above items back, and I will also pay you any service charge required to make this happen.
Unfortunately, if you choose to destroy the above items, then there will be no benefits for the both of us.
I hope that you diligently exercise your intelligence and authority in making a decision that is mutually beneficial.
Warm Regards,


1. Ingredient lists of the above items
2.’s Return Policy
3. Sample letter to asking for a refund.

I faxed the letters last week after returning from Sibu.
This morning, I received their phone call.

*ring ring*
Kenny: “Hello, Kenny speaking.”
Government Minion: “Hello this is (insert minion’s real name) from the Ministry of Health. With regards to the fax that you sent, I’m calling to inform you that we cannot send your items back to the USA.”
“Alright. Is there any reason given as to why I can’t ship the items back to the US?”
“Because we’re afraid that if you sent the items back to the seller, they are going to send it back to you.”
“No, no. I’ve attached the company’s policy regarding this matter. I’ve highlighted the relevant section for you. The company will give me a refund if I mail the items back to them. Have you got that document?”
“I got that. But it says ‘Once the package is received back by us, we will contact you by e-mail and refund you for the products, minus the shipping fees. You can also use this credit towards different products or have the package shipped again.’ They might send it back to you see.”
“I know, that’s why I’ve also faxed you a sample letter I’ll be sending to the seller asking them to give me a refund instead of having the items shipped again. I’ll be asking them to not send the items to me again.”
“I’m sorry we can’t let you send the items back. You’ve committed an offence importing an unregistered [pharmaceutical] product and you are liable for fines of up to RM25,000 or jailed up to 3 years.”
*What the foot? Wanna use the law to scare me is it?! My tempers were flaring. My voice grew louder.*
Kenny: “No, I wrote the letter to you saying that I don’t want the items anymore. I’m asking you to have it shipped back. All I want is my money back!”
Minion: “They will send it back to you!”
“I’ve already said that they won’t. What documents do you need from ME or from the SELLER, in order to convince you that they won’t send the items back to me? You tell me, I’ll prepare them!”
“But we can’t let you ship it back.”
“Why not? You still haven’t given me A VALID REASON why you can’t let me ship the items back to the United States. The seller said they will give me a refund. I wrote a letter telling the seller to give me a refund. So who’s telling you that they won’t give me a refund?!”
Kenny: “Alright. So you don’t allow me to have the product, and you don’t allow me to ship the product back. So what are you trying to achieve right now?”
Minion: (in a defeated tone) “We’re calling to inform you that your appeal is unsuccessful and if you want you can bring this case up to court.”
*I was getting really irritated that she’s not listening to me and insisted on using her minimal knowledge of the law to attack me. I couldn’t take it anymore. I simply lost it.*
Kenny: “Bring to court? For what?! To charge you with STEALING my products?!”
Minion: “We’re not stealing your products!”
“You intercepted the items from my package halfway and you wouldn’t give them to me NOR send them back to my seller! ISN’T THAT STEALING!?”
“I’m just doing my job here as a government servant.”
*Kenny realised he was being harsh and cooled down considerably.*
Kenny: “Look, I’m a lawful tax-paying Malaysian citizen. I’m not committing any crime here. I’m trying to work with the government. I’m trying to work with YOU. All I’m asking for, is that you help me have the items shipped back. I want to get my refund. So I can be happy, they can be happy, and YOU can be happy.”
“You’re importing an illegal…”
“It DOESN’T MATTER if its LEGAL or ILLEGAL anymore. I want to have the items shipped back. I WANT MY MONEY BACK.”
*Long silence*
Minion: (very quickly) “Ok, you go to the post office tomorrow after 2:30pm.”
Kenny: “Post office at…”
*Before I can finish my sentence, the minion hangs up hastily*

And that was the 8-minute phone call that kept me fuming till right now.
I don’t know what’s gonna happen. But I’m going to the Post Office tomorrow at 2:30pm and see what she has in store for me. I’ll write about it tomorrow evening.
Or… if I was sent to jail, then I’ll write about it 3 years later. 🙂

Illegal Parking

I was having lunch at the Song Kheng Hai foodcourt in Padungan earlier this afternoon when I noticed this peculiar sight.
Noodles parking
Some smart-arse decided to “park” his dried noodles on government regulated car park. For the benefit of those not in Kuching, you may park your vehicle within any parking space indicated by a yellow number, provided you place a parking coupon on your dashboard.
Yet, this guy has the audacity to sunbake his noodles on not one, but across TWO parking spaces! What the fish!? Your grandfather own the place one is it? Weren’t ever-so-diligent the parking inspectors doing their job? Sheesh…
So Kenny, being a good Kuching citizen, did his part to help this poor guy out.

Parking Coupon

P/S. Half-arsed update today. Exhausted, but felt weird not writing anything here. Full-arsed update tomorrow.

Signs The Wedding Dinner You’re Attending Is Shit

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wedding favors to djs and all the in between for the big day.

* Angry Post Warning: This was written at the peak of my annoyance. Any offense caused to anybody, whether intentionally or not, is duly regretted. All people depicted in the photographs below are mere models (unwillings ones) and are in no way related to the descriptions accompanying the photos.
AIYA! If you feel that my sarcastic jokes were getting too personal, by all means, just let me know and I shall kindly cooperate lah!
Now that’s out of the way…
Not so long ago, I had the luck misfortune of attending a so-called typical Malaysian-Chinese wedding dinner.
Actually I shouldn’t be so harsh about it. After all, the groom is the son of a family friend and I attended the wedding on my family’s behalf.
Then again, its not like I personally know who the bride and groom is. So screw it.
The last wedding reception I’ve been to is of my two close friends David and Geraldine’s. That was a simple affair: a registration ceremony, a get-together over coffee and cake, photos in the sunset, plenty of hugs, and they go home as husband and wife, happily ever after.
Hoping to get a similar reception in Kuching with your parents around? Fat chance.
I pity groom. No, not because he can no longer check out other hot chicks (well, that too). But because his wedding day is supposed to be a special day between him and his bride. Instead, the most important day of their relationship was hijacked.
What happened at their wedding dinner that prompted me to write this entry? See, they have every ingredient in my list of Top Nine Signs The Chinese Wedding Dinner You’re Attending Is Shit.
(Excuse the blurry pictures. I thought it would be rude to bring my digital camera to a wedding dinner, which is why I snapped these photos with my camera phone instead. Yes, I know it was still rude.)

Who Are These People?
9. The newlywed’s parents had invited their colleagues from work, their kopi-o buddies, their chess buddies, their friends from five different associations, etc. Before you know it, half the restaurant is filled with people the newlyweds had never met. Meanwhile the groom’s normally loud and obnoxious beer buddies were sitting in the corner table so quietly because they’re shy and afraid to offend the elder generations.

Man United Fans
8. The beer buddies didn’t stay quiet for too long, luckily. Because after a few rounds of free beers they had forgotten that the parents exist and started singing the Manchester United theme song.

Yam Seng
7. In a Chinese Wedding there’s always that yam-seng ceremony. I hated it because I was sitting comfortably and my seat had the moulded shape of my ass, but I had to stand because everyone else was standing.

Uncle and Auntie singing
6. There’s always that over-enthusiastic 40+ year old uncle/auntie who goes on stage and sing some stupid songs from the 70s like Ai Bia Jia Eh Ia (‘work hard and you shall win’). This old couple “sang” a song called Nang Wang Yi Ye Chin (‘Unforgettable One Night Stand’). What the fish? This is a goddamn wedding dinner! Take your wrinkly one-night-stand ass to the nearest budget hotel, you two dinosaurs!

Bad singers
5. If its not some 40-year-old uncle, then its that old classmate of the bride who was rejected by Trashcan Idol singing karaoke. Excuse me, we still need to eat here! What the hell is a karaoke machine doing in a wedding ceremony anyway? A karaoke machine belongs to a KTV lounge, not in a restaurant where people have to eat!

Baby crying
4. Somehow somewhere there’s always a baby crying. Maybe its a warning signal to the newly-weds of the things to come.

3. If its not some crying baby, then its those hyperactive kids wearing those… those… shoes.
Roller wheels
Gah, how do I explain it? Its these shoes!
Roller wheels
You know, the ones that come with those built-in wheels that make them slide. I HATE THEM! There’s nothing more annoying than to have to walk across a hall, and them have some kid glide past you like a ghost! Who the heck invented those things? Makes me just want to cut off their balls, put them into one of these shoes and slide them away into oblivion. Dammit I hate those shoes!

Wet towel
2. A plate of yummy fried chicken is served and you just wanted to gobble it all up because you’ve been waited 2 hours for your dinner (stupid invitation card asked us to come at 6pm and its now 8). But you can’t because there’s an elderly person sharing the same table with you. So you look at the food and he looks at the food and you look at him and he looks at you, and then you courteously ask the old man to ‘jiak’ (eat) but then he quickly replied ‘jiak-jiak-jiak-jiak-jiak’ in rapid succession. Feeling defeated because he said ‘jiak’ five times and you only said it once, you proceed to use your chopstick to pick up a piece of chicken and put it at the old man’s plate, but then he acted like its an atomic bomb and shouted ‘no! no! no! you first you first!’ while he put the chicken back into your plate, so you have to put it back on his plate but then he still doesn’t want it. So at this stage you feel damn tu-lan because you got so frustrated you just wanna stuff that whole piece of chicken up his nose and yell “EAT THE GODDAMN FRIED CHICKEN DAMMIT YOU OLD MAN!”

Wet towel
1. At the end of the night, there’s always that bloody annoying piece of wrapped wet towel where people would open it by squeezing the air inside to one end of the wrapper, then hitting it to make a loud POP. OI! Ever heard of class and courtesy? Obviously not!
Sometimes it felt as if a wedding is organised for the parents and not for the couples themselves. I mean, karaoke machines? C’mon! If it were left to me to organise my own wedding, I’d make sure:

  • You may yam-seng in your seat.
  • If you’re my beer drinking buddies, I shall secretly replace your alcoholic beverage with Shandy.
  • If you’re over 40 years old, you’re BANNED from using the Karaoke machine.
  • If you’re under 40 years old and does not have a recording contract, you’re BANNED from using the Karaoke machine.
  • Violation of the above karaoke code will result in the microphone being stuck into an orifice of your body of my choosing.
  • If you have babies who cannot stop crying, please kindly make use of the cellotape provided.
  • There will be no wrapped wet towels. Instead MAS flight attendants will be available to distribute the wet towels. No, you’re not allowed to ask for a cup of tomato juice from them.
  • The flooring will be covered with rocks and pebbles, so when kids with one of them bloody annoying shoes-with-rollerblading-wheels scoot around, they will fall down and I can laugh at them.
  • Last but not least, I shall invite only the people I know. If you’re not on my Friendster list, you’re not invited. Sorry.

Two Extremes of Human Intelligence in a Bank

Just a short texty update today. I’m bringing my father to Singapore tomorrow and coming back on Friday, so time is precious on my side. Obviously, I won’t be updating tomorrow.
I was at an RHB Bank earlier because I had to open a bank account for salary credit purposes. Being away from Malaysia for so long meant that I had forgotten almost all my Bahasa Melayu. I was never good in that language anyway. I always scoff at it because they used so much loan-words from English its not Malay anymore. For example,
What’s “computer” in Malay? Komputer!
What’s “account” in Malay? Akaun!
What’s “sex” in Malay? Seks!
Its ridiculous!
So I went up to this nice lady at the counter, who happen to be a typical Malay Muslim girl with the tudung and all, and I asked her nicely in the best Bahasa Melayu I could muster.
“Saya want to open a bank account with RHB!”

Damn! The whole sentence only one proper Malay word. Nice going, Kenny.
The nice Malay lady at the counter smiled at me and replied,
“Ni yao kai Savings Account hai shi Current Account?”

Yes, you read that right.
The Malay lady at the counter, knowing my superior excellence in the Malay language, does not even dare to compete with me! Which is why she spoke to me in perfectly fluent Mandarin for the next 30 minutes whilst she complete my application.
I was pleasantly surprised to say the least.
I have noticed a positive change in terms of racial demographics in Kuching lately, which I can only describe as vibrant. Today, apart from Malays who speak Mandarin and Indians who speak Hokkien, there’s also a large number of Ibans, Bidayuhs, etc who migrated from the rural areas to Kuching to attend Universities, and they all speak perfectly good English, albeit with an accent but that’s ok. And I love it! Alright, I admit it kinda helped that a lot of them indigenous girls have sizzling hot bodies, but still!
On the other hand, the Chinese population in Kuching are divided cleanly into three groups:
1. Chinese who speaks good Mandarin, but bad English;
2. Chinese who speaks good English, but horrible Mandarin;
3. Chinese who speaks the foul langauge like “Chau chee-bye! Kan ni nah!”
Fake LV Bag
I was chatting amiably with the Malay counter lady in Mandarin. Meanwhile, a middle-aged Chinese lady was standing by the counter beside me, her (obviously fake) Louis Vuitton handbag hanging on her arm, striking a typical rich tai-tai pose. Apparently she’s here to pick up her new AirAsia Mastercard, which is a pretty good credit card that allows you to earn points that can be exchanged for free flights on AirAsia.
Anyway, the counterperson arrived with her new credit card and the lady asked him, “So this credit card can only be used to buy AirAsia tickets one ah?”
“No ma’am, you use it like a normal credit card and the points you earned can be exchanged for AirAsia tickets.”
“YOU MEAN I CAN USE IT TO GO SHOPPING AH!?!?!?” she exclaimed so excitedly the old security guard suddenly woke up and drew his gun.
At this point, I can see the poor counter boy looking at her with eyes that say “OF COURSE YOU CAN USE IT TO GO SHOPPING LAH YOU STUPID DUMBASS! What kinda stupid credit card company would be dumb enough to only let you use it to buy budget air tickets only!?”
But instead, he managed the most insincere smile in the whole world and replied “Yes, you most definitely can do so. BITCH!”
Sorry I added the last word. 😉

What’s The Number to Call For Emergency?

Whilst we are still on the subject of tattoo, let us observe another example of ‘Engrish’ in Kuching. 🙂
Yeo's Tattoo Artist and GALLARY
I don’t know about you, but I don’t think I want to get any English words tattooed by this guy. Lest he spelt it, then I’m screwed.
Malaysian newspapers are so bad its funny.
I’m not gonna start bitching about having to endure front-page headlines EVERYDAY about some politician like Pak Lah or Taib Mahmud making a speech about what ‘we as citizens’ should or should not do, because frankly – just because you say it at some oh-so-important function with a photograph of you hitting some gong, doesn’t mean we’re gonna do exactly what you said we should.
But that’s for another time.
So, I was reading last Friday’s edition of The Borneo Post (18 March 2005), when I noticed this headline on Page 4.
CD Player stolen
Oh wow. RM600 stolen… La-FRICKIN’-Dee-Da! I had my Playstation 2 AND my XBox stolen only just one day after I bought them. Where’s my Page 4 headline, dimwits?
Anyway, just to sum up the story for you – basically this guy Ngiam (what an unfortunate name already) had his 4WD broken into by two burglars. Ngiam spotted them red-handed, but the suspects managed to jump into another car and drove away.
Well, I’ll let Borneo Post continue with the rest of the story.
The rest of the story

Let me try to digest this for a while.
‘999’ is not in use anymore!? Man, I’ve only been away for a while and they changed the bloody emergency number?
What the fork!?

Kuching City Council gave me a Present

A few days ago, I went to Satok Shopping Center to have my Xbox machine modified. Upon returning to my car, I found out that I received a gift from the Kuching City Council in the form of this…
Green green paper from Kuching City Council
Yes, barely 2 weeks back in Kuching and I got a parking ticket. Its not that bad though since its only an extra 50 cents. But what gets me is that they have the audacity to charge me an extra 5%. For what? SERVICE TAX! Gee thanks, you’re doing me a great service by giving me a parking ticket!
50 cents! YO YO YO
53 cents isn’t much to pay for an overparking fine. But if you don’t pay it, you’ll cop a larger fine. The question is, where do I pay? I found the parking inspector who issued me with the fine and I was ready to give her 53 cents for her effort. She said she couldn’t accept it, and that I had to pay at the pondok (booth) instead.
Now, since I’m sure many poor souls like me have to go there all the time, you would have thought that the pondok would be in bright striking red colour situated in a prominent location, maybe even decorated some neon lights advertising itself. Well, lets just say after some good 20 minutes of circling the carpark, I found the place behind the shop lots.
The pondok
Seriously, it looked more like a cubicle where you chuck a shit than a place where you pay a parking fine!
No signs!
To top it off, there’s absolutely no signage at all to tell me that that’s the place I pay I parking fine! What lah… I thought my girlfriend is the only one who wants me to guess what she wants.
Speaking of parking in Kuching, the city utilizes a coupon system. Each coupon costs 20 cents and enables you to park up to 30 minutes at any marked public parking spot. That’s definitely cheap!
A Kuching parking coupon
There’s only one problem: everytime you park, you have to poke holes.
Now, it isn’t so bad if the holes are big, loose and allow plenty of space for manouvre… but the holes here in Kuching are so fucking small. With my overwhelming girth size, I have so much trouble trying to poke the correct holes. So every now and then I would have accidentally poked the holes too hard…
A Kuching parking coupon
… which would cause pain, breakage, and the undesirable expansion of holes. 🙁

A Change In Profession

This week, I started my new job.
I apologise I can’t say too much about the company I’m working for (no, its not the FBI). Suffice to say that I’m now on the company payroll, working for my father, wearing suit-and-tie to work instead of Tshirt-and-shorts, and addressing my workmates by Mister and Madam instead of by their first name. Still, the working environment here is very different to what I am used to at Spectra Engineering.
What I used to wear Vs What I now wear
Oh, to those who are related to me, much appreciated if you keep the existence of this blog to yourself. To others, I hate the fact that I can’t just say it here. My apologies for being so secretive. My job is not that much of big deal to be honest. But Kuching is a small place, many Kuching people whom I don’t know read this blog and I rather them not know. Anyway, if we ever do meet in real life ask me again ok?
I hate it when the forms you fill ask you redundant questions.
I visited the newest gym in town today, a government-owned gymnasium called Gym Masyarakat. I was ready to give them my RM250 to sign up for an annual membership, but instead they asked me to fill in the application form and wait 2 weeks for approval.
I wave RM250 cold hard cash in my hands, and they want to wait for approval. So I ask them.
“Why would you need approval for going to the gym and staying healthy? Have you ever rejected any applications?”
“Yes we have many rejections!”
“Mainly because they didn’t submit their photos.”

Go figure.
Stupid Gym
So fine. I was presented with the stupidest application form I ever had to fill.
Full Name: Kenny xxx xxx xxx
IC Number: 821127-13-xxxx
Date of Birth: 27-11-1982 (What the fish? Can’t you read my IC number?)
Age: 23 (Can’t you bloody deduce my age from my birthdate?!)
Nationality: Mongolian (OF COURSE MALAYSIAN LAH! I just gave you my Identity Card number didn’t I?! Bloody!)
Damn angry. I had to pay RM10 for a single visit because they need TWO BLOODY WEEKS to have my formal membership approved.
The gym itself was pretty crap. Its nice to see familiar faces though. There’s the heavily tattooed guy who spent all night doing bench presses, the steroid-induced muscle dude helping a scrawny kid spot as he yell profanities at him as a form of encouragement, and that la-la girl who wore hip-hugging jeans and stiletto heels to the gym just to use the threadmill. Nice.
Does anyone know of any good gyms in Kuching?
Fitness First is the only gym I know that seems to get everything right. I’m struggling to find another fitness center here that can deliver a similar quality of service.
Went to Red Tea Road for bubble tea this morning when I noticed this sign.
To Run Business

Bad Engrish at the Education Expo

Bad English spelling and grammar never fail to humour me.
I still recall a story my father told me. Once, he was driving around the rural area of Kuching when he saw a big vacant land. In front of it is big sign board proudly proclaiming “LANG FOR SALE.”
Lang for Sale

‘Lang’ = ‘People’ in Hokkien

I have nothing against bad English. has never been good in English. In fact, I think its very much a Malaysian culture to speak/write English in a less than perfect manner.
That’s not to discount the efforts of education institutions highlighting the importance of the language. Yes, good English is important in a formal setting. But ultimately, the purpose of language is to communicate. We are Malaysians. So long as we understand each other, that’s good enough. No need to speak with the accuracy of BBC grammar, using words Kim would be proud of, complete with an accent to be able to use a language effectively, right?
*cough* Wellll…. now that I’ve say all the nice nice things I wanted to say, let’s all laugh at the people at 😉
Kuching Civic Center

The Civic Center building, a proud landmark of Kuching… no more.

Well, last week I went to the Kuching Civic Center because I wanted to take photos of the Kuching cityscape from the top of the building. I was about to take the lift when I realised that the lift was broken.
Lift wants to break it down

The only thing that’s broken is the English

WHAT ‘LIFT BREAK DOWN’ LAH! Either ‘Lift is Broken’ or ‘Lift is Out of Order’! What the fish is ‘Lift Break Down’?! The lift wanna break dance issit?
Actually it doesn’t look too bad if you put MC Hammer in front of it.
MC Hammer 'break it down'
Coincidentally, the Sarawak Education Exhibition was going on at the time so I popped in for a visit. After all, I am planning to pursue an MBA degree when the time is right. I got the information I needed off the Curtin Sarawak booth, which unfortunately was the only education institution I recognised there.
Curtin Sarawak Booth
I actually hated education exhibitions like this due to the fact that they shameless show the money-grubbing side of higher learning. I know its something I have to accept, that universities are businesses and students are customers. But education fairs like this are no different to, say, a computer fair where midriff-baring teenage girls shove pamphlets to your face and the main motivation is to sell, sell and SELL. It really is commercial exploitation of tertiary education at its worst.
Stamford College

The Stamford College booth is as empty as the head of their students.

Apologies for going off topic.
Anyway, there’s not much else to look at at the University Education Fair, so I decided to leave the place… after I filled out a quiz form.
I mean, QUIZ-ZE form! Must be a new word the big shot Universities at the education fair there invented. My bad. 🙂