Kenny Vs Malaysian Customs Dept / Ministry of Health

Distinctively Kuching 59 Comments

I am so bitterly utterly incensed angry furious POOH-SENG RIGHT NOW!!!!!
GAAARRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! *bites a chunk off the keyboard*
WHY IS THE MALAYSIAN CUSTOMS DEPARTMENT SO STUPID!?!?!?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR STUPID SCREWED UP BRAINS!!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!??!
HUH! I bet you’re so stupid you can’t even spell the word ‘stupid’!
*mocks* “How to spell stupid har? S-T-E-W-P-I-G… is that correct or not har? heheheheee”

JIAK SAI LAH!!!!


I was actually in a good mood today. I wanted to write about happy happy things like the birds lah, butterflies lah, my balls lah. Mana tau one stupid phone call changed my mood for the rest of the day!
GAHHH!!!! @^@$%$RT$T$#^$%%$$R#@$!@$!!!!!

Anger

I am very angry. Ok lah, trying to be angry.

ok ok ok ok… calm down, Kenny calm down…
My baby nephew just walked into my room. It is very difficult for me to keep a straight face and smile when I have smoke coming out of my nose and ears.
*deep breaths*
….
…
..
.
*smiles*
I’m a nice guy. 🙂
No really I am.
Damn those idiots. Now I have to get myself a new keyboard.

Right. Let’s start from the beginning.
(Long rant ahead, so fix yourself a cup of Milo first)
See, I’ve always been a very health-conscious guy. When I was in Perth I worked out at the gym regularly, cooked my own dinner and watched what I eat. At my peak I weighed 72kg. But ever since I returned to Kuching I’ve stopped exercising, started eating cheap MSG-laden kopitiam food and before I knew it I became this.
Scales

Oh my. The bathroom scales was eclipsed by my guts.

So I decided to get back in shape but two things were stopping me:
1. I sold all my vitamins and health supplements before I moved back to Kuching.
2. The closest thing to Fitness First I could find in Kuching was this piece of crap.
Scales

This is the best crappy gym in Kuching.

Eventually I settled on the Gym Masyarakat and ordered my batch of supplements online from the United States. I’ve always shopped online at Bodybuilding.com and I never had a problem with them because after all, the supplements I bought were all legal, harmless, health-promoting and can easily be bought over the counter at GNC. Its just that GNC never had the brands I wanted and their prices are almost always double that of Bodybuilding.com.
So two weeks ago I got a letter from the Post Office asking me to pick up a parcel.
Goodies

In Kuching, you have to go over to the post office personally to pick up your parcel.

I headed over to the post office, picked up my parcel, opened it, and immediately realised something was wrong. I got my protein powders, but my 3 bottles of ZMA vitamins and a bottle of Nitric Oxide were missing. In place of them was this letter from the Malaysian Ministry of Health.
Warning letter

Bloody. What’s all these enlightening gibberish language?

For the benefit of those who doesn’t read Bahasa Melayu, allow me exercise my powderful translation of the above letter for you.

Dear Kenny,
We have seized the above items because they contravened the Testicle Size Regulation Act 1984. You have committed an offence which could see you fined up to RM25,000 and/or have both your balls cut off and shrunk to the size of raisins courtesy of our resident headhunters.
2. It is our duty to prevent people like you from getting too healthy. You see, our KLCC twin towers lost the title of Tallest Building in the World to that cibai Taiwan. Which is why it is our goal to beat the USA and become The Fattest Nation in the World. MALAYSIA BOLEH!
3. Meanwhile how much do you think I can sell your things on eBay har? I mean you won’t be needing it anymore right?
SERVING THE NATION,
Forking Ediot
cc. Malaysian Customs Dept,
Malaysian Post Office

(If you believe the above translation was correct, do yourself a favour and jump off a tree)

20050414-4.jpg

Those bastards double-teamed on me

I was obviously unhappy my parcel was opened and things taken out of it. All the supplements I bought were factory sealed with its ingredients clearly labelled on the side. If they ever doubt its veracity they could always pass it through an X-ray machine. At least that’s what I know the Australian customs would do.
Malaysian law requires all pills and tablets to be registered with the Ministry of Health before they can be brought in (powders are ok). I admit I ordered these because of my ignorance of the law, which is why I decided to “let them win”. Obviously I wanted these to be shipped back to Bodybuilding.com so I can get a refund.
So I wrote back to them (this one is serious and unaltered).

Pejabat Pengarah,
Jabatan Kesihatan Negeri Sarawak
Jalan Tun Abang Haji Openg
93590 Kuching, Sarawak.
To Whom It May Concern
Re: JKNSWK-F-UPF/5JLD xx(xxx)
I received a notice from you regarding the seizure of following items that was posted to me by BodyBuilding.Com Inc from the United States of America.
1) Now ZMA (3 bottles)
2) BSN Nitrix (1 bottle)
I was advised that these items were seized because they were not registered with Pihak Berkuasa Kawalan Dadah. Allow me to inform you that the above items are harmless. Attached are the ingredients of the above two items.
However, I accept your decision to remove it from my possession.
Instead, I ask that you allow the above items to be shipped back to Bodybuilding.com Inc in the United States. I will write a letter to advise them to give me my refund, and they will acknowledge this. I will bear all costs involved in shipping the above items back, and I will also pay you any service charge required to make this happen.
Unfortunately, if you choose to destroy the above items, then there will be no benefits for the both of us.
I hope that you diligently exercise your intelligence and authority in making a decision that is mutually beneficial.
Warm Regards,
Kenny

Attached:
1. Ingredient lists of the above items
2. Bodybuilding.com’s Return Policy
3. Sample letter to Bodybuilding.com asking for a refund.

I faxed the letters last week after returning from Sibu.
This morning, I received their phone call.

*ring ring*
Kenny: “Hello, Kenny speaking.”
Government Minion: “Hello this is (insert minion’s real name) from the Ministry of Health. With regards to the fax that you sent, I’m calling to inform you that we cannot send your items back to the USA.”
“Alright. Is there any reason given as to why I can’t ship the items back to the US?”
“Because we’re afraid that if you sent the items back to the seller, they are going to send it back to you.”
“No, no. I’ve attached the company’s policy regarding this matter. I’ve highlighted the relevant section for you. The company will give me a refund if I mail the items back to them. Have you got that document?”
“I got that. But it says ‘Once the package is received back by us, we will contact you by e-mail and refund you for the products, minus the shipping fees. You can also use this credit towards different products or have the package shipped again.’ They might send it back to you see.”
“I know, that’s why I’ve also faxed you a sample letter I’ll be sending to the seller asking them to give me a refund instead of having the items shipped again. I’ll be asking them to not send the items to me again.”
“I’m sorry we can’t let you send the items back. You’ve committed an offence importing an unregistered [pharmaceutical] product and you are liable for fines of up to RM25,000 or jailed up to 3 years.”
*What the foot? Wanna use the law to scare me is it?! My tempers were flaring. My voice grew louder.*
Kenny: “No, I wrote the letter to you saying that I don’t want the items anymore. I’m asking you to have it shipped back. All I want is my money back!”
Minion: “They will send it back to you!”
“I’ve already said that they won’t. What documents do you need from ME or from the SELLER, in order to convince you that they won’t send the items back to me? You tell me, I’ll prepare them!”
“But we can’t let you ship it back.”
“Why not? You still haven’t given me A VALID REASON why you can’t let me ship the items back to the United States. The seller said they will give me a refund. I wrote a letter telling the seller to give me a refund. So who’s telling you that they won’t give me a refund?!”
*Silence*
Kenny: “Alright. So you don’t allow me to have the product, and you don’t allow me to ship the product back. So what are you trying to achieve right now?”
Minion: (in a defeated tone) “We’re calling to inform you that your appeal is unsuccessful and if you want you can bring this case up to court.”
*I was getting really irritated that she’s not listening to me and insisted on using her minimal knowledge of the law to attack me. I couldn’t take it anymore. I simply lost it.*
Kenny: “Bring to court? For what?! To charge you with STEALING my products?!”
Minion: “We’re not stealing your products!”
“You intercepted the items from my package halfway and you wouldn’t give them to me NOR send them back to my seller! ISN’T THAT STEALING!?”
“I’m just doing my job here as a government servant.”
*Kenny realised he was being harsh and cooled down considerably.*
Kenny: “Look, I’m a lawful tax-paying Malaysian citizen. I’m not committing any crime here. I’m trying to work with the government. I’m trying to work with YOU. All I’m asking for, is that you help me have the items shipped back. I want to get my refund. So I can be happy, they can be happy, and YOU can be happy.”
“You’re importing an illegal…”
“It DOESN’T MATTER if its LEGAL or ILLEGAL anymore. I want to have the items shipped back. I WANT MY MONEY BACK.”
*Long silence*
Minion: (very quickly) “Ok, you go to the post office tomorrow after 2:30pm.”
Kenny: “Post office at…”
*Before I can finish my sentence, the minion hangs up hastily*

And that was the 8-minute phone call that kept me fuming till right now.
I don’t know what’s gonna happen. But I’m going to the Post Office tomorrow at 2:30pm and see what she has in store for me. I’ll write about it tomorrow evening.
Or… if I was sent to jail, then I’ll write about it 3 years later. 🙂

Silly News About Prince Charles And Camilla’s Wedding

Favourite Entries Thoughts & Musings 51 Comments

In case you happen to be living under a rock, Prince Charles and Camilla Parker-Bowles finally married last Friday, thus effectively ending Prince Charles’ run as the world’s most eligible bachelor.
Cleo Magazine
I’m not gonna diss Prince Charles and Camilla Parker-Bowles’ matrimony. What needs to be said have already been said by others. At the end of the day, I have absolutely nothing against a royal 57-year-old donkey-face marrying a 58-year-old husband-snatcher on the day of Pope John Paul II’s funeral. Its not like what they do has any effect of me anyway.
What I am gonna diss however is the newspaper reports that cover this wedding, sensationalising it to the point of absurdity. Everyone knows that I’m not a big fan of local Malaysian newspapers. The day newspapers here STOP publishing photos of politicians shaking hands at some bloody pretentious VIP event is the day I’ll celebrate by shaving the hair off my legs and cook soup with it.
But this one is just beyond ridiculous. Have a look at this headline from news.com.au.
LIP READERS REVEAL ROYAL BANTER
The original story was from News of the World. In case that link doesn’t work, I’ve mirrored the page here.
An excerpt reads: “We hired professional lip-reading experts who spent two hours decoding exactly what was said as the bride and groom walked down the stone stairs to face photographers.”
PROFESSIONAL LIP-READING EXPERTS? I can so imagine a couple of nerds with thick glasses practically glueing their face to the TV monitor for two full hours trying to decode what they’re saying.
The entire article focuses on how cold the Queen was towards Camilla based on the following series of captioned photos. I’ve editted the captions into the pictures for better readability.
Original
Gee, I wonder how much they’re paying these so-called “professional lip-reading” experts to write a couple of crappy lines that MAY or MAY NOT be what the royal family said. I mean, who’s watching right? For all I know they could be playing Solitaire for two hours before they come up with some smart-arse guesses as to what the royal family was possibly saying.
To steal a quote from William Hung, I have no professional training in lip-reading. But what I can do is spend 2 minutes instead of 2 hours “decoding” what they’re trying to say.

Possible
See?! The Queen LOVES Camilla Parker-Bowles!
So much for professional lip-readers. How the heck can they simply decide what people are saying just by looking at a video? How do they even know they’re speaking English? For all I know, they could be conversing in Hokkien.

Hokkien Version
Did you look at the way Prince Charles and his mother looked at each other? I swear that’s not the way a mother and son would look at each other! I don’t know about you but I think there might be something more to their so-called mother-and-son relationship.

Rude version
Stupid professional lip reading experts – think they know everything, but I know better.

If There’s A Will, There’s A Way… Right?

Life Documentary 26 Comments

Alright, I’m gonna do another serious entry whilst I’m still feeling low and sombre. I shall save the rant for tomorrow.
I know by looking at the stats and comments what kinda entries kennysia.com is popular for. I admit its a very ball-enlarging thing to learn that this site went from 178 visitors same time last month to 1535 unique visitors yesterday fetching 1.10GB.
Its dick chest-stiffening to know that some of kennysia.com’s readers are sweet young things and sizzling lingerie models. But I’m not gonna whore for hits today. 🙂
Instead I’m tuning back into reality for a while.
20050412-2.jpg

Home for 8 years, for sale… SOLD.

For the benefit of those who just started following my blog and too lazy… doesn’t want to read through the archives, I’ll try to summarise what happened in one paragraph or less.
I’ve spent the past eight years of my life in Perth Australia studying, and later working. October last year, I learnt that my father was diagnosed with Stage IV kidney cancer. So about six weeks ago, I left my handsome job, my girlfriend and returned to Kuching, starting a new life.
So there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Dear Gary, Julie and the rest of the folks at Spectra,
How are y’all doing? Its been 6 weeks since I left Perth, so here’s just a quick note to let you know that things are still holding up at my end.
Since the last time I wrote, my father’s health has improved somewhat. Gone were the eerie hallucinations he spoke of. Gone were his awkward tendencies to forget things and the dazed expressions. The glow on his face is restored. His weight has gone up slightly as his appetite improved. As a matter of fact, he just had dinner at KFC!
All in all, my father behaves very much like a normal person except he still can’t move around too much and still require lots of rest. I can only hope that this is the beginning of a miracle. Once again I sincerely thank you for your well wishes.
The bad news good news bad news is, I still honestly have no idea if or when I’ll be back in Perth.
I’m not sure what is going to happen to the software that I wrote or if there’s someone new to look after them. But as always, I’m reachable by e-mail and if there’s any pressing bugs that needs to be squashed or portions of the code that wasn’t documented properly, just let me know and I’ll do my best. Hey, just because I’m not on the company payroll doesn’t mean I won’t be helping out! 🙂
Hope things are going well over there. I miss you guys all dearly.
Regards,
Kenny

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Having to hear my father state the terms of his will, is without a doubt, one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to experience in my life.
We don’t want your money, we just want you to LIVE.
Prayer

Say a little prayer.

First Ching Ming In Eight Years

Protected Re-discovering Myself 22 Comments

I was actually thinking whether or not to publish this entry. I wanted to put it here for the sake of documenting my life, but the comment-whore in me was scoffing at myself. After all, what can be so interesting about visiting a graveyard?

In the end, I concluded that documenting events in my life is more important than producing exciting entries and gathering comments anyway, hence the reason to this post. Btw, this is not meant to be a humourous post. I love it when people recommend kennysia.com to others citing that I’m funny, but most of the time I’m just a normal 20-something who wants to write about his life, and his enormous balls. So if you find this entry funny, man you must be crazy! Go watch some Si Qian Jin video or something!

Despite the fact that Ching Ming is something almost every Malaysian-Chinese observe every year, it is still a refreshing experience for me to witness the customs and practices my extended family follow. This is my first visit to the cemetery in eight years. It is also the first time I visited my late grandmother’s burial place since she passed away in 2001. I was still in Australia when that happened and I regret I wasn’t able to be by her side during her last days. I wasn’t even able to attend her funeral.

All these happened two weeks ago so its kinda old news. But what the heck.

Ching Ming Morning

Its not as scary as it looks

Like most people we woke up at 6am in the morning to beat the crowd. Turned out that we didn’t even need to do that because it was raining damn hard in Kuching that morning and the crowd was scarce. My mother stayed at home to look after my father and my sister hadn’t return to Kuching yet, so it was just me and my brother joining our extended family to pay respects to our late grandparents. I didn’t bring my digicam along as I think its rude to snap photos of the cemetery, but I had my camera phone anyway. 🙂 Most photos are deliberately cropped/blurred for privacy reasons.

Oh and I still have to reiterate to people who knows me in real life, PLEASE do not mention this website to any of my family members or anyone else in Kuching who knows me personally. They are sensitive about this sort of things, so please keep whatever you read to yourself so I can write more stupid things about myself. Deal?

So we headed over to our grandparents’ tomb which was re-decorated since I last remembered. The cemetery is surprisingly clean and mosquito-free, which is good because I had recurring nightmares of me as mosquito-breakfast from when I was a fat 14-year-old.

Ice cream umbrella

Somehow an ice-cream umbrella over a tomb didn’t quite look right

We propped up a bright red ice-cream umbrella over the tomb. It looked odd. Too bad I didn’t get any request from people asking to suck my ice-cream.
umbrella head

Malaysia’s answer to Doraemon

There’s a guy with a small umbrella attached on his head. I thought it was kinda cute. I wonder if he’s gonna fly away Mary-Poppins style if the wind blew harder.
Ice cream umbrella

My umbrella is bigger than yours, sucka

Mr Umbrella-Head looked kinda cool. I knew I have a bigger umbrella than him, but I felt like closing the little umbrella on his head and carry him around like a regular umbrella.
Notes

The currency of other world. Too bad I can’t use them here ‘cos I’m seriously broke.

These are yuan baos, or rather paper notes folded into the shape of gold ingots used in ancient China that my aunts have prepared. I remember when I was young and my grandmother was alive, my siblings and I would join her and fold bags and bags of these paper notes for our grandfather. Its a somewhat sad yet sobering thought that we are now doing it for our grandfather and her as well.
Offerings

All these vegetarian food and imitation meat. Not something I wanna eat.

These are offerings, which are mostly vegetarian dishes since that’s what my grandmother ate when she’s alive. There’s also two bunches of small sticks next to the fruit basket if you noticed. Those are skins off the bamboo stems.
Loko Hun

These are what smokers will have to put up with if the price of cigarettes keep going up

Here’s a closer look at the pack.
Loko Hun

It looks like something illegal I know, but I swear its not!

You put some tobacco leaves (I think) onto the bamboo skin, roll it up and smoke it like a normal cigarette. My uncle called it Lo Ko Hoon, which he described as the cheapest form of cigarette.
Loko Hun

Skinny as, but it does the job when you haven’t got much money

Its the first time I see this sort of thing. My uncle bought it because apparently that was what my grandfather smoked when he was alive. My aunt shared stories about how she used to sneak these cigarettes for my grandfather even when he was lying on his death bed.

My grandfather passed away when I was 1 years old so I hardly get to know him. All I know was that my grandparents married when the Japanese ruled Borneo during World War II. My family was very very very very very poor until when my father started his business. Looking at that RM1.00 pack of “cigarettes” is a sobering thought how lucky I am I got to study overseas.

While we were chatting amiably about our late grandparents, a family not far from us were doing something interesting…
20050411-10.jpg

Nice tent! Too bad the rain stopped soon after they put up the tent! HAHAHAAHAAAA!!! One hour worth of effort… GONE!

Heh, I think they came on the wrong show lah. They should be playing Survivor.

Anyway, when we figured its about time to leave, my uncle did this special ritual involving two coins. He kneeled in front of the tomb and threw two coins. Its a game of probability: two tails meant my late grandparents were not satiated yet, two heads meant they’re smiling on us, and a head and a tail meant that they were full and we may start packing and leave. I thought it was an interesting custom.
Burn

Ok this is starting to really look like Survivor

We left the cemetery in a big way by burning all those yuan baos and other unfolded paper notes. I’ve seen others burning all sorts of funny things like cardboard beer cans and houses, but we weren’t into those kinda things. So we packed and left and had lunch together and that was that.

I think Ching Ming is great tradition to observe. I never realised its importance until today. I guess the best part is that we shared stories about our late grandparents, reminiscing the good ol’ times and how life is better for us now because of them.

Somehow talking about grandparents made me feel that a part of them in my heart still lives. 🙂

Malaysia’s Most Influential Blogger

The Blog Culture 59 Comments

(Warning: lengthy post. Don’t read if you don’t wanna.)
Remember my plane ride from hell?
When the plane I was on was circling Sibu airspace for 2 hours, I found a copy of Malaysian Business magazine to entertain myself. I was flipping through the pages when I saw this.
Jeff Ooi in magazine

Jeff Ooi, a well-known Malaysian blogger, writes for Malaysian Business magazine.

WAHHH!!! Damn yao-yeng! I thought it was Andy Lau until I read the words ‘Jeff Ooi’. Makes me wonder why he used that black-and-white picture on his site instead.
Jeff Ooi comparison

Jeff Ooi and Andy Lau, twins separated from birth. Now reunited thanks to kennysia.com.

I tried to look for a picture of myself on the magazine, but the closest thing I found that resembled me was this.
Kenny in magazine

I don’t have a nose like that, but I do have another body part that looks something like that.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I’m ashamed to admit this, but a long long time ago (before I started blogging) I was actually NOT a big fan of Jeff Ooi and his blog.
I can’t remember exactly why I didn’t like Jeff Ooi. Perhaps it all started when I read that he’s Malaysia’s Most Influential Blogger and I wondered where he got that title from. I’m always skeptical when someone or something was described with a superlative. It reminded me of some kopitiam claiming that they have “Malaysia’s Best Laksa”, “World’s Best Satay” , etc.
Remember when Andrea Fonseka won the title of Miss Malaysia – “Malaysia’s Most Beautiful Woman” last year?
20050410-4.jpg

Judge for yourself.

My sentiments exactly. If Andrea Fonseka is Malaysia’s Most Beautiful Woman, I reckon I can be CLEO’s Most Eligible Bachelor.
I mean, the whole thing is kinda subjective isn’t it? Who granted Jeff Ooi that title? Was there some Influential Blog Measurement Committee? It seems like Malaysiakini.com started calling him that, others blindly followed the lead, and before you know it everyone is calling him “Malaysia’s Most Influential Blogger”. (Henceforth abbreviated as “Malaysia’s M.I.B.”)
There’s once I logged onto jeffooi.com and to read some of his entries. I was expecting him talking about his life stories and shit like that, but what I got was boring newspaper-like articles. I used to think to myself – does anyone actually read his entries from start to finish without actually falling asleep? I had better fun reading my VCR’s manual. How about “Malaysia’s Most Boring Blogger” instead? Oh wait, that’s me.
Me as Jeff Ooi

Speaking of boring newspaper articles, just let me digress a bit…
See I have this thing against the local news media, right – and Jeff Ooi does that as well. Whenever they report something about what some big-shot minister said, they always insist on putting the position, the title AND the full name of that person.
For example, everytime The Star writes something about our prime minister, they would refer to him as The Malaysian Prime Minister Datuk Seri Abdullah Ahmad Badawi. In full, without abbreviation, without failure.
I don’t know if I’m the only one here, but my mind automatically switches off after three syllables and everything after that turns into gibberish. So whenever the newsreader says Datuk Seri Abdullah Ahmad Badawi, my mind would process it as Datuk Seri Aduh-I-wanna-go-wee-wee.
Given the fact that these Datuks seem to make it onto the news all the time, everyone’s name just sounded the same. I can’t differentiate between them. And that’s what makes the local newspapers and Jeff Ooi’s blog so difficult to read.
End digression.

20050410-3.jpg

M.I.B stands for Most Influential Blogger.

Anyway I didn’t like people referring to him as Malaysia’s Most Influential Blogger because that’s subjective and debatable. I thought people call him that because he helped influence them to go to sleep. If it were up to me I’d call Uninhibited Online’s Shweet Young Thing Malaysia’s Most Influential Blogger – since she never fails to influence an erection on me.
I didn’t know when exactly that I start to change my opinion about Jeff Ooi. But I’d point out two recent events that made me actually read his blog in depth and not just skimmed through it like I normally did.
The first was the March 28th Asian Earthquake. When the earthquake occured, I had just finished typing my entry and updated the bloggers’ portal when I noticed the link to my entry “kennysia.com’s Bandwidth Has Exploded” felt kinda out of place swamped by dozens of other entries titled “EARTHQUAKE!!!!” I rushed to the telly. TV1 shows soccer, TV3 shows basketball… something wasn’t right. I went back to my computer and my first reflex was to check out jeffooi.com. By 2am, he had already reported on the tremors and aggregated several other blogger’s account of the situation.
More recently its the StreamyX fuck-up (for lack of a harsher word). Almost everyone with a broadband connection in Malaysia experienced the slowdown and almost everyone was screaming profanities at TMNut and its boh-chap attitude making light of such a grave situation. Whilst many of us are content putting up with TMnet’s incompetance, Jeff Ooi took the proactive approach questioning the ISP’s handling of the situation and pushing them for better services, just so that we can all download porn faster… enjoy faster internet service.
See, we’re brought up in a country where the newspapers are controlled by the government and sedition laws silenced voices of the opposition. We’re brought up in a place where it is considered wrong to question the authorities, where we are expected to open up our mouth and swallow whether they feed us meat or shit.
To question the authorities or to push them for explanation is considered disrespectful, or worse, unpatriotic. People swallow their dissatisfactions instead of voicing them out, fearing their name will enter the ever-so-MYTHICAL so-called “black list”. (I’m sorry but there’s no such thing as a black list.) Eventually, the-powers-that-be realised that they can get away with stupid things like spending money researching how to bring teh-tarik into space, and continue to feed us so much shit that we think its meat.
Jeff Ooi comparison

Ministers at some oh-so-important event on the front page of newspapers is a common sight in Malaysia. (The headlines are photoshopped one lah)

The sad fact is that newspapers in Malaysia are no longer a credible source of unbiased stories, unless you are more interested in ministers hitting gongs and cutting cakes. In times like this, we need ombudsmen like Jeff Ooi, Mack Zul, and others. Detractors who view them as whiny bitches seriously need to ask themselves, “Am I 100% perfectly happy with my country? Is there REALLY NOTHING the authorities can do to improve?”
This entry is written in support of Jeff Ooi in The Freedom Blog Awards. (A real award, not some crappy underdog ones)
I apologise for the lengthy entry. But hey, its the weekend. 🙂
Thanks for reading this far,
Kenny,
aka “Blogger with the Biggest Balls in Malaysia”

“Si Qian Jin” (4 Little Golden Princess) VCD Review

Favourite Entries Reviews 187 Comments

When I was in Sibu, I saw this.
Sibu video
When I got back to Kuching, I saw this.
Kuching video
So, I did what any man would do under such proliferate advertising, and I bought this.
CD Cover
Which shall be our subject of review today.
Oh come on, don’t tell me you didn’t think this day is gonna come. I’ve been waiting to review this CD ever since the day I got back to Malaysia. *evil smirk*
So I inserted the VCD into the player, and then the horror began.
Popping out
…
…
…
OH.
MY.
FREAKIN’.
GAWD.
Shit. There are SO many things wrong with this music video I don’t even know where to start.
Perhaps an introduction.
For those fortunate enough to never have endured the relentless assaults of these girls’ shrieking voices during Chinese New Years in Malaysia, consider yourself lucky. The name of the band is Si Qian Jin (‘Si’ = Four, ‘Qian Jin’ = Princess). Their official name in English is Four Little Golden Princess as shown on the CD sleeve. Nevermind the fact that ‘princess’ should be plural, because in this country its important to teach children bad Engrish.
Back CD Cover
Their latest release is a CD+VCD combo album called Dong Pin Xi Cou, which implies some sort of musical East Meets West thing. Unsurprisingly, all the tracks are remixes of Chinese and English oldies like “Mamma Mia”, and “Jambalaya”.
Si Qian Jin is a girl group made up of four prepubescent teenage chio bus who called themselves Hong-er, Jun-er, Kai-er and Ming-er.
I think they’re missing Fuck-er.
Thick Makeup
I assume these girls are teenagers. To be honest, I couldn’t really tell their age since their faces are always buried underneath thick crappy makeup. Excuse me, but you DO NOT put heavy eyeliners and thick foundations on 15 year olds and expect them to look pretty. Heavy make ups are reserved for drag queens and prostitutes, so unless you’re trying to market these girls as prostitutes, goddammit please EASE UP on the MAKE UP!
Bad clothing
And then there’s the clothes. WHAT THE FISH were they thinking dressing up in clothes like that?! That’s just wrong, man, so so so wrong. I can understand they’re trying to look cute and all, but… mini polka-dotted skirts with three-quarter LEOTARDS? Makes me wonder if they trying to sell this video to the torture chamber in Abu Ghraib or something.
Alright, so you said “Aiyo Kenny you so bad. Its not their fault they dressed up like that watttttt!”. Ok ok ok ok fineeee. Then whoever made them dress up like that deserves to have his penis made into pretzels. To have four innocent children dressing up in clothes like that is not just a crime against fashion, its friggin’ CHILD ABUSE!
Actually, I think they look like Teletubbies.
Teletubbies
Heh. Uncanny!

Then there were the dances, or rather the lack thereof.
Dances

That’s not dancing. That’s four colourful coconut trees singing.

These girls move like robots. I’ve seen trees swaying outside my house that’s more entertaining than that. The funny thing is that these girls can sway continuously for the entire video and never get sick of it. I think their producers probably told them that if they ever stop swaying like a clock, their watch wouldn’t move forward.
The entire music video focuses on these four girls parading around happily. Perhaps a little too happy. Over-enthusiasticly happy. So happy in fact, I’m starting to suspect “recreational substance” blog sixthseal.com may have something to do with the production of this video.
20050407-6.jpg

Si Qian Jin supports gays and lesbians in Malaysia

If dressing up in matching bright-coloured clothes like that doesn’t induce vomit, I tell you what will: 8-year-olds in thick make ups trying to act cute.
Act Cute
What the fork are you trying to imitiate, a RETARD? ‘cos if you are, then congratulations, you’re successful in annoying the hell out of me. Now go back to the mental hospital.

Man, I can’t believe I spent the past one hour reviewing this crappy VCD. What a total waste.
To save time, I’m just going to write my conclusion to this review right away.

Bin

Conclusion

Thank you for reading.

If you happen to be a fan of this particular girl band and think that my review is harsh. I’m sorry. Sorry that your taste in music is that bad. I’ve got nothing personal against Hung-er Jun-er Kai-er Ming-er and Fuck-er because they’ve never did me any to me (other than unleashing their weapons of mass destruction on me every Chinese New Year).
To their credit, they do have great voices that’s sweet, crisp and naturally melodic. But you know what, there’s only so much ‘ji-ge-long-tong-chiang-dong-chiang’, coconut-tree-like dance moves and overenthusiastic fake smiles a man can take before he goes berserk. I reckon they should do themselves and ourselves a favour, dump their record company and give us a chance to breathe.

Illegal Parking

Distinctively Kuching 29 Comments

I was having lunch at the Song Kheng Hai foodcourt in Padungan earlier this afternoon when I noticed this peculiar sight.
Noodles parking
Some smart-arse decided to “park” his dried noodles on government regulated car park. For the benefit of those not in Kuching, you may park your vehicle within any parking space indicated by a yellow number, provided you place a parking coupon on your dashboard.
Yet, this guy has the audacity to sunbake his noodles on not one, but across TWO parking spaces! What the fish!? Your grandfather own the place one is it? Weren’t ever-so-diligent the parking inspectors doing their job? Sheesh…
So Kenny, being a good Kuching citizen, did his part to help this poor guy out.

Parking Coupon
NAH!!!

P/S. Half-arsed update today. Exhausted, but felt weird not writing anything here. Full-arsed update tomorrow.

Impression on Sibu, Sarawak

Out of the Ordinary 63 Comments

Its quite unfortunate that I didn’t get to go out much during my time in Sibu. I was stuck at work most of the time. Coupled with the flood and rain, it really wasn’t a good idea to fit some sightseeing into my schedule.
For two nights I stayed at Li Hua Hotel, which is a three-star hotel overlooking the Teh-C-Peng-like Rejang River. My room window faces the river, and from the 7th floor the view is simply amazing. There’s something about big rusty old cargo ships sailing past equally old and rusty jetties that’s so beautiful, so quaint, so…. uniquely Sarawakian.
Rejang River and Ship

Titanic, this is not.

I always feel a sense of connection with the Rejang River, like we have something in common. Its not surprising though. After all, Rejang is Malaysia’s longest river, and I have Malaysia’s longest penis… nevermind. 🙂
Wooden houses along Rejang

If I can’t afford a bungalow by the beach front, this is where I’ll be staying.

A lot of people regard Penang as the food capital of Malaysia. Perhaps I’m a little biased but I’m afraid I have to disagree on that. (Ok lah, I’m very biased! ;)) I think Sarawak has the best range of authentic Malaysian food that suits the palate of people all over the world.
The food in Sibu is disgustingly cheap and many times I feel like giving some tips to the kopitiam waitress just because service was so prompt. Sometimes I wonder why posh 5-star restaurants have the audacity to ask us for tips for their crappy service when the young girl at the kopitiam deserves it more and yet we never thought of giving anything extra to her.
Anyway, back to food. The trademark food of Sibu is the kampua mee (or ‘dry plate noodle’ in Hokkien). Although this Foochow dish is available in Kuching, Sibu is the place where you can savour this yummy noodle in all its authentic and original glory.
Kampua Mee

I like my kampua the way I like my ladies. Cheap, quick, hot and saucy. 😉 But not with charsiew on top please.

This plate costs me RM1.80 (or AUD$0.60, the price of one pack of chewing gum in Perth). I had mine the way I like it, and that’s with soy and chilli sauce. It tastes very much like Indo Mee Goreng, except its drier and fresher. I reckon if you lick your computer monitor really hard you might be able to taste it.
Coconut

The size of this coconut is about as big as my balls. Except mine is bigger.

I ordered a fresh coconut (RM2.00) to go with it. I’m a strong believer that coconut water should only be drank straight from its shell. Anything other than that is an unneccessary compromise.
Fruit Ice

Ice kacang? Pfft! Sibu people wouldn’t stoop to that level. So, they created FRUIT ICE.

This is Sibu’s famed Shui Guo Bing (or ‘Fruit Ice’ in Mandarin) for RM2.00. Its essentially a big bowl of shaved ice and some jelly atop pieces of watermelons, honeydew, pineapple, lychee, etc. This mouth-watering dessert is best savoured after a round of hot spicy dishes to cool your tongue down.
Hungry yet? 🙂
11:30pm was the only time I could explore Sibu on my own. The good news is, there were pubs around the hotel I was staying that operate late into the night. The bad news is, these are dangdut pubs featuring fugly singers with thick make-ups and skimpy clothing unfortunate enough to be cursed with singing voices that rival the ah-peks of Chinese wedding dinners.
Makcik

There’s something incredibly sexy about big-sized makciks cooking your late-night supper

I was lucky there were few late night kopitiams around, mostly selling seafood. I saw a makcik (Malay for ‘auntie’) skillfully cooking seafood on a sorry-excuse-for-a-BBQ stove. I remembered my workmate recommending the sotongs (‘octopus’) of Sibu, so I wasted no time ordering one.
Sotong + Sambal + Kangkung

Sotong + Sambal + Kangkung = Where’s my gym membership?

This is Sibu’s sotong, grilled to perfection with traditional Malay’s sambal paste and some fresh kangkung. It really is as delicious as it looks. A dish worth coming back to Sibu for indeed.
Sibu at nightSibu at night

Obligatory late-night shots of Sibu.

Before I leave Sibu, I just had to do a shot of the town’s landmark. The place was quiet except for a few loud and drunk teenagers loitering around. Not far from here is the Sacred Heart Cathedral where a mass was held mourning the death of Pope John Paul II.
Sibu Markets

What’s this “kilogram” thing you’re talking about? Sibu people still use the “kong” system.

Sibu is an intriguing little place that retains much of its old-town charm. Its so quaint, so fascinating. I can’t wait for the next time I travel to Sibu to explore the place a little bit more. Hopefully, without the flood.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
To conclude this diary entry on a funny note. Introducing, the worst name for a cafe in Sibu…
Mobilephone cafe

Who the *toot* would call their business the “Mobilephone Cafe”?

A MOBILEPHONE CAFE? A cafe for mobile phones? wtf? I don’t know about you but this is what I imagine what the inside of the cafe would look like.

Mobile phone talking

Bartender: Hey wassup, what would you like to D-Ring?
Patron: The usual – just a glass of battery juice please. 🙂

Just as I was editting this photo, my elder sister walked into the room.


Sister: “Why you took a photo of that cafe?”
Kenny: “‘Cos it has a funny name.”
Sister: “What’s so funny about its name?”
Kenny: “Well, its called Mobilephone Cafe!”
Sister: “I don’t see why that’s funny. I mean there are Internet Cafes so what’s wrong with Mobilephone cafe?”
Kenny: “………………”

I think my sister turned into Jessica Simpson after she got married.

The Great Sibu Flood

Out of the Ordinary 34 Comments

I hope I didn’t shock anyone with this entry’s title. 🙂 I just got back from Sibu, and man… what a trip that was! My flight from Kuching to Sibu was definitely one of the most terrifying flights I have ever been on.
Sibu Aerial Shot

Sibu from air. The town of Sibu reminded me of Kuching ten years ago, when there were more trees than buildings.

Sibu is located about 30 minutes north of Kuching by flight. My flight departed Kuching airport 5:30pm on Sunday. By 5:50pm, the captain PA-ed through advising us that the flight is due to be landed shortly. Everything was SOP (standard operating procedure) up till this point.
Safety demos

In-flight safety demos: the only thing preventing me from becoming an air steward.

As the Boeing 737 began descending onto Sibu airport, we experienced a mild turbulence which progressively grew in magnitude. Before long, the entire aircraft was shaking and dropping uncontrollably. Few passengers were already making use of the air sickness bags for reasons other than stealing Malaysia Airline’s cups and cutleries.
Looking outside the window, I could see, amid thick clouds, that we were close to landing. I held onto the passenger seat in front of me, expecting a bumpy touchdown while cursing myself for ignoring the pre-flight safety demonstrations. Then suddenly, instead of landing, the aircraft picked itself up and climbed back onto air. Sensing confusion, the captain advised us that we were unable to land due to bad weather. We circled the air, waiting for the weather in Sibu to clear up.
Departure hall

Scene of chaos at the departure hall, Kuching

After 2 hours of circling Sibu’s airspace, we were running out of fuel. The aircraft flew back to Kuching to re-fuel and dumped the passengers in the departure hall. It was 8:00pm and we hadn’t yet had our dinner. Starving, I sauntered to the only cafe opening at the Kuching airport’s departure hall only to find out that a RM2.50 kueh tiaw costs RM8.40. I politely declined, instead purchasing RM8.40 worth of biscuits and chocolates which I shared with my five other workmates.
Lights dimmed
By 9:00pm, we were back up in the air en-route to Sibu once again. That was another equally horrendous bumpy ride that only the West Malaysians who have experienced the earthquake could understand. The astonishing thing here was that there were passengers stupid enough to get up and go to the toilet in the middle of a major turbulence. Its amazing to see an ah-mah trying to balance herself holding onto the seats on a bumpy air-ride, whilst asking people where the toilet is. Until that dat, I have never seen an air stewardess shouting at passengers to get back to their seat.
Departure hall

Stewardess: “MA’AM! YOU MUST GET BACK TO YOUR SEAT NOW!“
Ah-mah: “But I wanna pee-pee. :(“

We touched down at 9:45pm with a hard and solid thud, followed by cheers and applause and mobile phones ringing because I forgot to turn mine off before boarding (oops!). My workmates and I exited the departure gate only to realise that our driver had conveniently left us to go home and sleep. 🙂 Anyway, we flagged a taxi and checked into Li Hua Hotel.
Sibu at last

Sibu at last.

I only got to see the effect of heavy rain the day after.
Sibu, flooded

Sibu, flooded.

Water in the drain spilled over onto the roads. Roads became rivers and cars looked more like boats. There were no shortage of stalled cars by the roadside and residents looked on as if its just another day in Sibu. There was so much water everywhere, I’m beginning to suspect the people of Sibu might actually be amphibious to be able to live in a condition like this.
Sibu, Waterworld
I noticed that the drains in Sibu are all extra-ordinarily wide. In fact, they looked more like the water canals of Venice.
Sibu, Venice
Even then, the drainage system was still no match for such force of nature.
I was put off by the brown-yellowish colour of the drain water. I doubt the sewerage system of Sibu is functioning, so God knows what’s beneath the water. A mixture of mud, shit, soil, shit, urine, shit, etc most probably. Ugh. I tried not to think too much about it. So I visualised the brownish water as Teh Ais instead.
Sibu, Teh Ais
Yum!

Bad Malaysian Government Websites

Thoughts & Musings 30 Comments

I’m flying off to Sibu, Sarawak in 2 hours time for a business-related trip. I’m coming back Tuesday morning, which meant I won’t be able to log on for two evenings. Damn I’m gonna miss the Internet. Nicole once said to me after I repeatedly failed to fix up her internet connection, “I feel so handicapped without the internet!”. Now I know how she felt…
Bags

Contents of my luggage: toiletries, business wear, casual wear, ties, undies, and if you see carefully: the infamous red Daffy Duck boxer shorts.

Its my first time going to Sibu, so I’m actually looking forward to it. All I know about Sibu is that its the third largest city in Sarawak after Kuching and Miri, and is home of the Foochow’s kampua mee.
Oddly enough, I met more Sibu people when I was in Perth than I did when I’m in Kuching. To me, the Sibu people I know came across as plain, quiet, hardworking and innocent. They live a simple lifestyle: wake up, work, go home, eat, sleep – its the kind of lifestyle conservative Malaysian parents would approve of. Sibu people don’t care a lot about making up, wearing fashionable clothings, trying to look good or what not. Its either that, or they tried… but failed. Just kidding. 🙂
Ticket
Anyway, to prepare for my trip to Sibu I googled ‘Sibu Sarawak’, and out came the official Sibu website at www.sibu.com.my.
Welcome page

Don’t ask me why its sibu.com.my and not sibu.gov.my.

I was greeted with the above welcome page. I hate welcome pages for a reason. Welcome pages are ok if there’s more than one link on that page asking you to select your country/language/whatever. But in most cases, there’s only ONE LINK on the welcome page. Its an extra work for the webdesigner to create, and extra work for the websurfer who have to click on that ONE link on that page to get to the information they want. And for what? To look at some pretty graphics? Pfft.
Hijacked for commercialism

The blurred line between a government website and a commerical website.

A minor crime they committed is to allow the webdesigner to hijack the website by inserting their domain registration services on the main page. Entering anything in that box will teleport you to the domain registrar’s website complete with bad Flash plugins and horrible mouseover sound effects. But funnily enough, I’m ok with having links to commercial services on a government website.
What I can’t stand is this… ANIMATED GIFs.
ani_together.gifani_sibu_globe_mini.gifani_hotlines.gif
God dammit. Stare at that animation for five minutes and tell me you’re not going crazy. The Sibu website is not the only one. It seems like all government websites across Malaysia are obsessed with bad animated GIFs and bad Flash intros. OBSESSED!
Example, JPJ Wilayah.
Go on, click on that link. I dare you. Turn your speakers up loud.
I swear you’re gonna have that tune stuck in your head for the rest of the day. It happened to me. Now I feel like doing a cute little Malay dance everytime I hear that tune.
Any more bad government websites to share? Let me know. Meanwhile I’m off to the airport. See y’all in 2 days!

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