Category: Understanding Women

License To Touch

Thanks for all the feedback on my previous entry, guys.

I say keep your hands to yourself, period. No questions asked. It’s indisputable – it’s wrong on so many levels to even touch anyone, be it a girl or a boy, anywhere other than the hand the first time you meet.

Posted by: Anonymous

I think it should be strictly hands off during a first meeting… but it kinda depends. When I was in Australia, it was kinda acceptable that the Aussies were touchy. You’d think to yourself: Ahhh. They’re just being friendly… they’re like that with everyone! Back in Malaysia however, it’s more like… EEE! What is this guy up to arr?
Not sure if this is an example of blatant double standards or just a cultural difference! 😀

Posted by: spirit3d

It just doesn’t feel right to be touched by someone at the first meeting. Not anyplace, let alone the small of your back, even the friendly-shoulder-hugging is a no-no. But I am an Asian, and being brought up in a conservative family too. So maybe u can hug Western girls at your first meeting (heck, you can even bed some of them), or Asian girl brought up Western style.
However, if you do that to me, I’ll be extra careful to avoid you the next time we’re in the same place.

Posted by: fei

Looks like there’s a lot of conservative people in Malaysia!
Perhaps it is because I tend to mix with the younger and more “liberal” crowd in Kuching, but light-touching or hugging among friends and friends of friends in a social atmosphere is definitely very common around here.

I do hope people here can lighten up a bit though. Asian or not, I reckon the world could do with a bit more friendly physical touches. Imagine how boring life is gonna be if you go out to a PARTY with the intention to meet new people, but then you have to keep your hands strictly to yourself the entire time!
It is gonna be so boring, you might as well go attend a business meeting.
Then there are also some who brought up the “looks” argument.

I don’t mind. IF he is cute enough.

Posted by: Party-Ann

As long as you’re handsome, everything will be fine! =D

Posted by: Alex

If the guy is handsome, then a physical touch is okay; if the guy is some ugly shit, pls stay away! Hahaha…

Posted by: Mil

The answer to Kenny’s anxiety is – obviously, girls will only let GOOD-LOOKING guys (though not all the time) touch them when they first meet. I’m not trying to offend, but with looks like KENNY SIA a bit fat a bit chi kor pek face, i will feel so GROSS OUT and think that he’s a hamsup man and likes to take advantage of girls.

Posted by: easy peasy

Call it superficial, but it’s true.

Studio photo courtesy of Alvin Leong Photography

If you have looks as unfortunate as mine, girls are not exactly gonna be very receptive to you touching them at all. Even a friendly gesture of touching at the back momentarily is gonna be taken as something sleazy, no matter how genuine you want it to be.
But if you look like DAVID BECKHAM, then suddenly it becomes a wholeeeee different story.

Then you don’t have to touch them at all, THEY WILL TOUCH YOU.

Sad lah. It seems like the only way people can ever accept my friendly gesture without misunderstanding is if:
(a) I’m good-looking; or
(b) I’m macho; or
(c) I’m Caucasian; or
(d) All of the above.
Or maybe I should just turn into David Beckham.

So, can I touch now?

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Touched For The Very First Time

During the last Rainforest World Music Festival, I got to know this girl Jo.

Jo and I eventually ended up becoming pretty close friends. It’s been many months since then, but we still meet up whenever we can.
During one of our “mindless soul-baring sessions” not long ago, Jo told me something I didn’t realise that happened on the night we first met.

At the beach. (No, this is not her.)

To paint the picture here, we were at the beach where a small group of revellers who attended the music festival were congregating.
There was an open fire, drums beating, people dancing. It was a relaxed atmosphere and everyone was just out there chilling out, having fun.

A common friend of ours spotted Jo and introduced us to each other. It was the first time I’ve met her, so I did the normal thing by making a small talk and socialising.
But while I was doing that, my hand was unwittingly placed behind Jo’s back.
No, I’m not grabbing her arse or anything. Just comfortably placed on the small of her back while she yelled into my ears, because hey, there were drums there and it was loud!

It wasn’t until months after that incident that Jo told me she was actually feeling uncomfortable that I was physically touching her that night.
Seeing as how I was a total stranger and it was only the first time we met, she thought it was kinda inappropriate. And when she revealed that to me, I felt like crap! There was nothing malicious at all about that hand behind her back, but I felt bad because I was making her feel uncomfortable.
Suddenly, I felt like a sexual molester!

I mean, I thought it should be ok that I was touching her, because everyone that night was in a relaxed social mood after all. We’re at a music festival! And after she was introduced to me by our friend, I wanna get to know her better. As a friend.
But then again, she could be right. It was only the first time I met her and I shouldn’t assume that she’s ok with physical contact. Like me placing my hand on the small of her back for the whole conversation. Everybody has different boundaries when it comes to physical contact and just because I think it’s ok doesn’t mean she’ll be fine with it. I can understand that.
But then again! I don’t know lah. No one has ever told me what is right or what is wrong also. How am I supposed to know when to touch or when not to touch, right?

What exactly is the protocol when it comes to guys touching girls?
I think I’m terribly confused because I was brought up in a strict family and a conservative Chinese school; then suddenly I was thrown into a more open Western society in Australia where I was introduced to the world of hugging, cheek-kissing and stroking.
Then suddenly I was thrown back into Kuching where one half of society are brought up with conservative Eastern values, and the other half are brought with the more affectionate Western style of socialising. Now I’m getting all confused when to initiate physical contact and when to keep my hands to myself.

Of course, people would be tempted to say “Just keep your hands to yourself lah! Stay on the safe side.” But… I don’t think that’s a normal thing for people to do!
Sure, there are cases where I choose to be on the conservative sides. In a professional environment at work or when I’m meeting some respected figures, a handshake is usually the most I would go. But in a social environment like in a club, a party or a music fest where we’re out to get to know new people, I think we should be able to do more than that, right?

I think we human beings are like pet animals. Guys or girls, we like to be stroked and touched and played with sometimes. Sounds kinda wrong, but it’s true.
It’s a form of bonding. I am always closer to friends I have hugged or touched, compared to female friends with whom the only form of physical contact I had with was a handshake.
But then some human beings are like tigers. We can touch, but if we’re not careful we will kena bitten by them.

Lots of inappropriate touching here.

Are girls nowadays that uncomfortable of being touched by a guy they met for the first time?
Or am I just too scary?

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Valentine’s Day Revenge

It’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow.

There’s one thing I don’t understand about Valentine’s Day.
Why is so much pressure and expectations put onto us guys to perform on Valentine’s Day? I reckon February the 14th is one big freaking conspiracy theory set up by little girls to force their boyfriends into being extra sweet and nice to them, just so them girls could make their friends jealous.
For years, we are fooled into spending money and taking time off work to plan the ultimate Valentine’s date and make our girls happy. In the end, what do we get? Nothing.
I say enough is enough. I say it’s high time us guys hit back and them girls. Let’s give them have a taste of their own medicine.

This Valentine’s, instead of showing up at the front of her house with a bunch of red roses, just show up empty handed.
When the look of disappointment shows up on her face, tell her straight to her face that you have found someone new. You are dumping her and you’re moving on. Confirm she will demand to know which one is your new girl. When that happens give me a call.
I will show up at her house pretending to be your new girlfriend.

Your boyfriend dumped you because of me. Jealous now?
I am so pretty.

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Guys’ Priorities

Friend of mine messaged me on MSN late one night.

Jane* (not her real name): Can I ask you one question?
Kenny: Go ahead.
Jane*: You’re a busy guy right?
Jane*: Let’s say you have a girl, who needs attention, who is away for vacation… Then she is online one day. But you have a friend at your place. What would you do?
Kenny: I would entertain the friend first.
It’s an easy decision. With girlfriends you can always call them later, but a guest at your place needs to be taken care of first instead of leaving them hanging. Right?
Jane*: Yerrrr… then?
Kenny: Then when the friend leaves, I’ll entertain the gf lah.
Jane*: Yerrrrrrrrrr!!! But the gf waited the whole day dy!
Kenny: I ask you lah. When you have a friend coming over to your place, are you gonna chase her out just because you wanna talk to your boy boy? Or maybe turn on Astro and ask the friend to entertain herself?
Jane*: Yea I’ll do that. lol
Jane*: I won’t chase them out but they can take it like their own place. Then I go talk to my boy boy for 10 mins. Instead of just telling her, “I have friends over. Gonna watch Man U. Probably can’t talk to you right now.”

Kenny: My gawd. Guys don’t function that way.
Kenny: If we show our soft sides in front of our guy friends, we’d automatically lose our dicks and become sissies.
Jane*: Testosterones!! Why guys so difficult one. -_-
Jane*: Would you call your friend a sissy if you were the guest and he left you with Astro?
Kenny: Yeah, I would.
Jane*: -_-
Kenny: ‘cos I only disturb him probably once a week. Maybe even once a month. And he wants to use buddy time to chat with his girlfriend? wtf man.
Jane*: It’s guys like that which makes us girls cry because bf doesn’t want to be a sissy =(
Why would any girl wanna date a sissy ANYWAY?

Kenny: Well, we put up with your many things also.
Jane*: hrm… like?
Kenny: Like… tantrums.
Kenny: Like spending money on handbags and shoes.
Kenny: Like being fussy about every single thing.
Jane*: I am only guilty of the last one. =\
Jane*: Maybe i should also be guilty for the first two to get even.

Jane*: Leaving the friend with Astro for 10 mins also cannot. =\
Kenny: Not cannot. ‘cos women’s clock is different.
Kenny: 1 minute is 10 minutes.
Kenny: 10 minutes is 1 hour.
Kenny: 1 hour is half a day.
Jane*: hrm… how long is 10 mins to a guy?
Kenny: Depends on what we’re doing.
Kenny: If we’re having fun, playing games, watching football, 10 minutes feel like 10 seconds.
Kenny: If we’re waiting for food, waiting for TOTO results, waiting for girls to shop, 10 minutes feel like eternity.
Jane*: No wonder last time he was late. HE WAS AT HIS FRIEND’S PLACE PLAYING COMPUTER GAMES!

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Close One Eye

The other day, I was talking to my friend *Diane, and something she said left me quite rattled.

These pair of legs are proudly sponsored by naeboo.

She said to me that if a woman wants to marry a successful husband, live a good life and be happy, then she should learn how to close one eye to her husband’s extra-marital affairs. Her theory being that most successful men do not stay loyal to their wives. When the lure of a younger meat comes along, it would be too difficult for any man to resist.
She spoke of her own experiences and the numerous times that rich, married men made a pass on her and her girl friends. As much as she was disgusted by their behaviour, she accepted it as a fact of life, something realistic that is bound to happen in an unidealistic world like this.

It was a hard pill for me to swallow but it sure kept me thinking for a while.
Are women these days so disillusioned that they’re willing to accept a less-than-perfect marriage in return for an above-average lifestyle? Are the current crop of married women thinking the same way as well? That successful men are likely to be unfaithful, and not-so-successful men are likely to be more loyal.
Because if that’s the case, then I reckon us men are in big trouble. Because that means women are marrying us thinking that we are either always gonna cheat. Or they marry us because they think we are a bunch of losers.

*Diane wasn’t the only person who thought that way. Another friend of mine, *Sylvia, a Kuching girl married to a Japanese told me exactly the same thing.
“If my husband went and slept with an 18-year-old girl, I’m not gonna blame my husband. Men have their needs what. There’s no way that my saggy body is going to compete with that of a young teenage girl.” She claimed “Instead of blaming my husband, I’m gonna feel sorry for the girl for giving her body away to a man who’ll come home to me at the end of the day.”

Whoa! Hang on a minute, am I missing something? I thought marriage is a union between a mommy and a daddy. Not between a mommy and a daddy who decided it’s a good idea to get another mommy when he’s bored with the original mommy. What has the world come to?
I couldn’t accept what they’re saying, because it seems preposterous enough that a married man should go around sleeping with a younger woman. Let alone have that act sanctioned by the wife! All my life I’m brought up to believe that once a man is married – that’s it, dating game is over. Your responsibility is now to your family. No more hanky-panky, no more fooling around.
On the other hand, I could see where the girls are coming from.
Let’s face it, every women out there wants to marry a successful guy and lead a good life. Last time, if you ask a girl what she wanted to be when she grows up and she’ll tell you “a nurse”, “a scientist” or “teacher”.
These days you ask a girl the same question and she’ll say “I wanna be Paris Hilton” or “Victoria Beckham”!

Sure, when you first got married, you’re all lovey-dovey, hunky-dorey and all those mushy adjectives ending with “-ey”. The husband became successful in his career, made a lot of money and began to meet lots of people, some of whom are young attractive women who find men like him with financial stability very sexy.
He started to have doubts in his mind, but when he came home to his messy house, his wrinkle-infested overweight wife and his Dolby Surround Sound™ bawling child, he’s gonna wonder what the hell is he doing with his life. Outside, there’s a young sexy lady wanting to blow his mind, and he’s turning her down for the sake of morality? Screw morality!
Of course, these girls would much rather their men stay faithful. In a perfect world, that would be the case. In a perfect world, there’s no AIDS, people don’t forward irrelevant SMSes and my fart smells like daisies. But for as long as my fart smells like rotten eggs, these girls are saying that they’re prepared to accept the next best thing. And that is to allow their husbands’ infedility.

If you ask me, if I can’t have both then I’d much rather have a less successful career and more of a happy family. Part of the reason why rich and successful men are having affairs with younger women is because when they were young, they worked so hard to build their career that they missed out the joys of being young.
Then they hit mid-life crisis.

I never want that to happen to me.
That’s why I plan to marry late, so I could get all the fooling and flirting around out of my system before I commit to one woman and one woman only, for the rest of my life, till death do us part.

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Talking Soccer With A Girl

Get the background and history of soccer equipment here. This is a great site on famous players over the years and the history of soccer. You can also discover the differences of soccer equipment that many probably do not even know. This site offers lots of interesting facts on soccer you can surprise your friends with. If you enjoy playing the sport yourself, then check out great information on soccer jerseys at cheap prices.

Yesterday I was talking to Cheesie (aka “Weekend Mail Centrefold Girl“) about the FIFA World Cup, and this was what happened. It’s too cute I cannot NOT write about it.

cheesie: how was footie?
cheesie: who won?
Kenny: germany won against costa rica
cheesie: *forgot to make that the first question to ask a guy*
Kenny: hahaa!
Kenny: dun have to lah!
cheesie: u happy? 😛
Kenny: yeah
cheesie: who u support la
Kenny: i support australia. 😛 but don’t think they’ll go far.

FIFA World Cup Ballet Championship

cheesie: what’s the result
cheesie: educate me abit
Kenny: germany 4, costa rica 2.
cheesie: ok
Kenny: ecuador upsets poland 2-0
cheesie: *runs out of ques to ask*
Kenny: so odd to talk soccer with you! 😛
cheesie: harh why got ecuador one
Kenny: ‘cos they… qualified?
cheesie: i tot yesterday one match oni
Kenny: 2 matches!
Kenny: then 3 matches everyday
cheesie: oh
cheesie: oh
cheesie: siao
Kenny: 9pm – 11pm, 12am – 2am, 3am-5am
cheesie: which channel u watch
Kenny: astro loh
cheesie: cheh dun have
Kenny: i watched in the pubs also lah
cheesie: awwww

Red Cross’ newly employed nurses aren’t exactly a pretty bunch

Kenny: there’s a special channel on astro for the world cup alone
cheesie: walao
Kenny: ntv7 also have
Kenny: the popular matches lah
cheesie: then working guys how
cheesie: stay up til 5am?
Kenny: of course not!
cheesie: lol
Kenny: not gonna watch all matches
Kenny: die liddat
Kenny: just the popular ones
cheesie: where is it actually? 😐
Kenny: germany!
cheesie: SORRY!
cheesie: longbia
cheesie: *go reads sports sec*

This is how Brazil warm up their backsides

Kenny: poor girl
Kenny: dun have tooooo
cheesie: have to!
Kenny: why!
cheesie: erm
cheesie: i also want to erm… kepoh
Kenny: still in the early stages. 😛
cheesie: ahh ok.
cheesie: wait til got leng jai team then i watch
Kenny: !!!

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How To Improve Your Communication Skills

A certain telco company in Malaysia is holding a beauty pageant type contest, aptly named – and don’t get me started on this – the ‘Leng Lui Hall of Fame’.
Each month, customers can vote for their favourite ‘leng lui’ (earning the telco money). Customers can even download wallpapers and video clips of the girls (earning the telco money and maybe freaking the girl out in the process).
Not bad a revenue-generating strategy I say.
Anyway, I was looking through this month’s contestants when this particular leng lui’s profile almost made me puke my coffee out onto my keyboard.

Waliew! Poor girl.
I think I know what she meant lah, but mannnnn… I can imagine her dinner date to go on forever like this.

What Are Girls Supposed To Do On Valentine’s Day?

In Korea and Japan, 14th February is the time when sweet young nubile kawaii girls would personally hand make chocolates and give it to the guys they like.

The couples, obviously, go out and do the things normal couple do.
For unattached guys, this is the day they find out which girl (or girls) is having a crush on them. The popular guys would get tons of boxes, while the not-so-popular ones would have to buy chocolates for themselves so they don’t look like losers.

If the feeling is mutual, then a month later on the 14th March, the guys would buy white chocolates for the girls in return. They can start dating, and take the relationship on from then on if they want.
Things are different in Malaysia. Over here, 14th February is the day when stupid guys like us get suckered into buying OVERPRICED roses, OVERPRICED soft toys and OVERPRICED chocolates from some opportunistic money-minded vampires to give to the girls who’d just sit there acting like a rich TaiTai wanting to be pampered like a spoilt princess.

Why? Because we want to me her feel SPECIAL. Because we know that if she sees all her pretty girl friends getting all these fancy chocolates and cards and roses and teddy bears, while she gets nothing more than a “Oi, when are you gonna come back and cook dinner”, you BET she’s gonna wither away and melt in a green pool of jealousy.
What do the guys get in return?

There’s absolutely NO requirements in Valentine’s Day tradition for the girls here, single or not, to do ANYTHING for the guys at all. Tell me, what’s a girl supposed to do for a guy on Valentine’s Day?
More importantly, what CAN girls here do for their guys on Valentine’s Day? Brush his teeth?
Heck, the girls here probably don’t even know how to make chocolates at all. They just expect you to buy them stuff, stuff, and MORE stuff. Too spoilt. It’s the same story EVERY Valentine’s Day. Men are always on the losing end.

One month later all our hard work, money and meticulous preparation will conveniently be forgotten because hell, she just had this tsunami-sized bitch fit with you! And it probably stemmed from something sooooooo small, such as us playing too much computer games and not paying her enough attention.
BAH! Hate feeling unappreciated!
It’s sad. I'm almost about to join my brudders in protest and take the first flight out to Japan. It’s too much hard work being a man celebrating Valentine’s Day in this increasingly kiasu society where sincerity is no match for money.

But you know what? Despite how expensive things are, all the bitching and all the whinging, we guys still give in to it.
Yea, guys are suckers like that.
It doesn’t matter how we’re treated, we’d still buy the most expensive roses, the biggest soft toys and sweetest chocolates in the world, just to be able to share THAT MOMENT looking into each others’ eyes and smile. And when that happens, it’s as if our world is finally, finally complete.
Man, this love thing is evil.

Because Good Girls Like Bad Boys

Met up with naeboo and her younger brother when they came to town this long holidays.

naeboo = angel trapped inside a devil’s body

naeboo’s brother Kaiser is 17 years old, just finished his SPM exams, has a good-looking boyish face cute enough for me to wanna wither away and melt in a sticky green pool of jealousy.
Anyway, Kaiser got a girlfriend a few months ago. And naeboo was telling me how when she found out, in the back of her mind she’s already planning to sit down and have a nice discussion with him on boy-girl relationships – as all good sisters do.

Little did she know, her baby brother is already an expert in relationships. So expert in fact, that he sports not just one, but TWO GIRLFRIENDS!
kennynaeboochowcowboy! That two-timing bastard!

How the hell does a 17-year-old boy do that?
“Leng zhai mah”, he answered. Ta ma de.
Everytime I hear stories of men who have more than one girlfriends, I get the feeling of repugnance and disgust and envy. But mostly envy.
Yes, envy. Who wouldn’t be envious of guys who can have one girl in each arm? After all, one hole is good, but two holes are better than one.

Six holes lagi best

It’s tough enough handling one woman myself. Let alone two.
“So which one are you going to spend time with this Valentine’s?” I casually asked him.
“Don’t care lah, I just stay at home. Just find an excuse and tell them I don’t have car to bring them out enough liaw”

Guess that means he won’t be eating this opportnistic money-grabbing pizza creation

But I’m still not convinced. “How about gifts? There’s Valentine’s Days, Birthdays, Christmas Days and Anniversaries to take care of. And girls are so materialistic these days. One girlfriend is enough to break my bank. How the heck are you able to afford all those gifts for TWO girlfriends?”
Kaiser opened his eyes big big and screamed “YOU STUPID LAH!”, like I’m the foulest disgrace to all of human race.
“You buy them gifts for WHAT?! Spoil them nia. You buy for them once and they’ll always be expecting you to spend on them instead. Don’t buy for them lah, let them buy for you instead! Like me.” he said, pulling out his brand spanking new leather wallet, obviously a gift.
Kaiser said it so matter-of-factly like I was asking him if the Earth is round.

(Halfway through our conversation, Kaiser’s mobile phone beeped and a message from one of his girlfriends came through. It says “saranghae”. SARANGHAE! What the fart!? KOREAN AH!?!?!??)
It’s true, you know. Acting gentlemanly used to be such an appreciated and noble act in the past. Alas, times have changed. Girls these days are too pampered and spoilt beyond recognition. Nothing else seems to satisfy their increasing apetite anymore.

All these while I’ve been thinking driving girls around, spending all my free time with them and paying for their dinner is the mark of a true gentleman. Bollocks. Put a woman on an island with a hopeless romantic and scruffy rocker, she’ll end up with the scruffy rocker, even if he’s only capable of saying few sweet words and cares for nothing more than himself.
That’s not to say hopeless romantics won’t get the girl. They will – only those stupid brainless giggly girls who say “yes” to everything lah. The hotter ones tend up end up with guys who have gentlemen qualities of a dead tree branch.

Nowadays, it seems as if the more attention we pay on girls, the more they think it is their god-given right to have that. You give her silver, she asks for gold; you give her gold, she asks for platinum; you give her platinum, she asks for DOUBLE platinum.
It’s a vicious never-ending cycle, and us men are always on the losing end.

If we pay less attention to them, they’ll work harder to get on our good side. So come on now, my brothers! We don’t HAVE TO let our women walk all over us! After all, they’re the ones who said “nan reng bu huai, nu ren bu ai” (men who aren’t bad, girls will not like). See? They asked for it!
If being gentlemenly means we’ll continue to be unappreciated, man I say forget about it. I’m gonna go become a bad boy now. 🙂


mindfuck v.

  1. To mess with someone’s head until they are quite confused.
  2. An obscure type of porn where the penis is inserted into a hole drilled in someone’s skull.
  3. Actually there’s no 3. If you believe in 2, you’ve just been mindfucked.

This is Ericka. She’s this great girl I met last weekend.

Ericka is 26, attached, a research analyst, a Godfather fanatic, a cat lover, a Xiaxue and reader. At least that’s what I know is true about her.
Ericka is also the queen of cock-and-bull stories, like how when I first met her, she told me she’s 36 and her name wasn’t Ericka, but Julie. She also told me she has two kids, aged 10 and 6, both with Down’s syndrome. But she talk cock only, not true one.

Ericka is a feisty little girl with a bubbly personality and a great load of fun to hang out with. How exactly I got to know her has gotta be ranked up there as one of the most bizarre moments in my life.
(This is gonna be quite a long story, so go grab a cup of coffee and make yourself comfortable.)

It all started last Saturday night when I ventured out with David to Kuching’s newest drinking hole at the Travilion for Halloween. I did my stuff, drank myself silly, returned home at 3am and was about to call it a night when I got a phone call from HB, another blogger from Kuching.
HB: Kenny! Were you at MC3 just now?

Kenny: Eh, I was. How did you know?
HB: I was there too. My friends said that they saw you and you even took a picture of us!
Kenny: I did? I didn’t even know you were there. Where are you now?
HB: I’m at Miami!
Kenny: Where’s Miami? (Florida?)
HB: Miami is near Rainforest.
Kenny: Alright, I’ll head down there in a bit.
HB: Wait, wait… my friend wants to talk to you…
*HB passes the phone over to someone*

Unidentified Female Observer: Is this Kenny?
Kenny: Yeah it is.
UFO: Hi, my name is Julie. We were with HB at MC3 just now.
Kenny: Ya I know! I didn’t see you guys when I was there!
UFO: We’re at Miami now. Are you gonna come?
Kenny: Errr… It’s a bit late… but yea I’ll come.
Half an hour later I drove down to Miami (which was actually located opposite Hilton and not in Florida) to find John, Sebastian, HB and “Julie” sipping drinks in a quiet bar.

To be honest, I didn’t think much of “Julie” when I first saw her. I can see that she’s above average-looking. She just didn’t quite catch my attention. Maybe if she were someone I bumped into in the streets, I would turn my head to check her out but I’d easily forget about her 2 seconds later.
Besides, I was there to catch up with HB.
We didn’t talk much that night. Just some trivial stuff. The four of us left after only about 20 minutes and I thought no more about the evening.
Until the day after, when I got mindfucked by Ericka so much, I think my head is getting pregnant.

It was a lazy hungover Sunday afternoon. I was at Bing Coffee together with David and Ah Yang going through the finer details of the Detox Diet, when I got this phonecall from an unidentified 016 number.
Mindfucker: Hello may I speak to Kenny?
Kenny: Yah, that’s me.
Mindfucker: Uhmm… I’m calling to ask if you have a job opening?
Kenny: A job opening? Not that I know of. Who’s this? How did you get my number?
Mindfucker: Oh I got it from a friend. She said to look for you if I want to get a job.
Kenny: No no no… I won’t be the one responsible for filling vacancies. Look, why don’t you pass me a copy of your resume and I’ll see what I can do about it.
Mindfucker: Resume? No need resume lah. I want to be your personal assistant!
Kenny: Huh? But I don’t need a personal assistant!
Mindfucker: But I want!
Kenny: Alright then how would you like to ‘personally assist’ me?
Mindfucker: Do you know who I am?
Kenny: Who?
Mindfucker: I’m Julie.

Kenny: Julie? Julie from last night? Yeah I remember.
“Julie”: Listen, I wanted to apologise. We called you so late last night to ask you out and then when you came we all left just like that.
Kenny: Oh that? Nah, don’t worry about it. It’s no biggie.
“Julie”: You’re not pissed? I know I’d be pissed.
Kenny: Not at all. I’m fine. Really.
“Julie”: Heyyyy… I wanted to ask you something.
Kenny: Shoot.
“Julie”: What do you think of me?
Kenny: You? Err… I don’t know? I’ve only known you for like 15 minutes.
“Julie”: What’s your first impression of me?
Kenny: Well, I can see that you’re nice and friendly and approachable.
“Julie”: That’s all!?!
Kenny: Hey, that’s all I could tell in that 15 minutes of knowing you!
“Julie”: Would I be someone you’d bring out on a date?
Kenny: If I’m single, I’d bring you out on a date.
“Julie”: But you’re single in Kuching what!
“Julie”: !!!
“Julie”: Ok. What do you think of XiaXue?
Kenny: What?!
“Julie”: If you could choose between me or XiaXue, which one would you choose?
(Are you nuts?! You don’t ask people questions like that after knowing them for only 15 minutes.)

Kenny: Ummm… YOU?!
(Tip for guys: For the love of your own coconuts, if you’re ever asked questions like that by a girl, ALWAYS say you’ll choose her even if you had to lie through your teeth. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.)
Kenny: Yeah… !
“Julie”: What are you doing tonight?
Kenny: Tonight? No special plans leh.
“Julie”: Wanna go out or not?
Kenny: Err… sure.
“Julie”: Ok loh then I’ll give you a call later tonight.
The meetup later that night went quite well with the level of mindfucking kept to the minimum. But Ericka had already messed up my head pretty bad.

For some obscure reason, the telephone conversation we had kept playing up in my mind. I was thinking – she’s attached, she knows I’m attached, we got nothing to offer each other except a friendly platonic relationship. So what was that conversation all about?
Over the next few days, I woke up thinking about Ericka, I shat thinking about Ericka, I went to work thinking about Ericka and I went to bed thinking about Ericka. Not in the I-miss-her kinda way. More like who-the-heck-is-this-girl-and-what-the-hell-does-she-want-from-me kinda way.

Chupachups and Chivas never looked so good.

Maybe she just wanna be friends with the person behind the blog she reads. And in a way she achieved that. Truth to be told, if it weren’t for that phone conversation, I wouldn’t give two hoots about her. But she called, she got my attention and I’m actually glad things happened that way.
After that unusual initial meeting, I gradually got to know Ericka a little better over the course of the Hari Raya long weekend. We cleared things up. The personal assistant thing and the Xiaxue thing were obviously nothing more than talking cock.

John, Sebastian, myself, Ericka, and a ghost.

Surprisingly, she told me none of these were planned. It just so happened that John spotted me at the club that night, asked HB to call me over, who introduced me to Ericka, who just happened to be there. And all the silly things she said on the phone were just spontaneous reaction.
Ericka is just this naughty, playful and feisty personality who has a penchant for being overly friendly to everyone. But overall I still like her. She may say things that mess with people’s head. More often than not she does it without any malicious intent. So we’re close friends now, and it’s all cool.

My point is, the art of mindfucking seems to be permanently ingrained in women’s DNA. All women exudes that kind of charm and beauty most men find difficult to resist. They know it and some knows how to use it effectively as a weapon without coming across as slutty or sexual.
The trick seems to be mindfucking men into believing that they might have a shot at fucking the real thing.
I know girls use it on their boyfriends ALL THE TIME. They mindfucked you into buying her those Louis Vuitton handbags or that Ferragamo shoes, all the while subtly hinting that if you swiped your platinum credit card at the cashier counter you might get lucky tonight.
Too bad. Come bedtime, the only thing you’ll be fucking with is your left hand.
Girls are evil. And us guys are just suckers for that.

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