Which of the following men do you think has the biggest pair of testicles?
Is it A) Deepak Gill, from KL, alcohol blogger at thirstyblogger.my
B) KY Teoh, from Penang, food blogger at kyspeaks.com
Or C) Kenny Gonzales, from El Kuching, Mexico.
We heard Frontera Bar & Grill at Jaya One in PJ has the hottest chilli buffalo wings in the whole of Malaysia. So one Sunday evening, with nothing else better to do, the three of us decided to hop over to taste for ourselves just how hot these babies are.
Frontera prides itself in serving authentic Tex-Mex food. It’s as authentic as you can get since the owner Larry is a Texan himself and he imports all the crucial ingredients for his menu directly from the States.
Our original intention is to jump straight into the Chilli Buffalo Wings challenge as soon as we arrived at the restaurant. And the challenge is this:
Three men. One plate of the hottest spiciest buffalo wings in Malaysia. NO WATER.
Whoever reaches for the water is out. Last man standing wins.
Thankfully, sensibility prevails and we decided to taste some of the good food here first before sending our tastebuds to Hell (and possibly never getting them back.)
Based on the owner’s recommendation, we got a few of the must-try items at Frontera on our table.
To start with: some lubricant.
A bottle of the finest pure tequila, direct from Mexico.
I’m not a big tequila drinker, so I cannot tell the difference between good tequila, bad tequila and Tila Tequila.
But according to the almighty ThirstyBlogger, this is good stuff, because it is made from 100% native Mexican plant of agave. Cheap tequilas sold elsewhere are mostly mixed with other crap, like the bartender’s piss, which is why they normally serve it with lime and salt to mask the taste.
Indeed, we don’t need lime or salt when we drink pure agave tequila. It is extremely smooth and easy to drink. And with our throats well-lubricated, it’s time to eat.
For appetizers, it’s Frontera’s Nachos – baked tortilla chips, melted cheese and a slice of jalapeno on top. Dip it with the sour cream in the middle, and I’m in heaven.
No doubt this is my favourite dish. So well-presented and tastes so good. Definitely worth coming back for more.
Next up, Chilli Cheese Burger.
Now I know it may not look like much from the photo, but this ain’t your roadside Ramlee burgers. This burger comes with one large beef patty with so much cheese and chilli con carne that as soon as you puts in your mouth, it ejaculates juices of satisfaction.
We tried other items on the menu like the burritos, the taquitos, the enchiladas and the chimichagas, Maybe because I was already too damn full eating all the nachos earlier, but I was unable to appreciate any more Mexican in me. Must return to try next time with an empty stomach.
Now, onto the Chilli Buffalo Wings challenge between myself, Deepak and KY.
Normally when you order spicy chicken from say, Nando’s, they give you the option of Mild, Hot or Super Hot. Over at Frontera, there is one more option: KILLER.
So I took a bite. KY took a bite. Deepak took a bite.
30 seconds passed. Nothing happened. I was laughing.
I thought to myself, this is too ea… hang-on-a-minute.
IT. WAS. FREAKIN. HOTTTTTT!!!!!!!
I got tears flowing out of my eyes, snot coming out of my nose, water out of my mouth and every other body orifices. It was intense. For the next few minutes, it was like someone napalm bombed my entire face. It was like Hiroshima and Nagasaki all over again inside my mouth.
As I conceded defeat by extinguishing my throat with a glass of ice cold water, I lo
oked up to see how my other two competitors were doing.
Surprisingly, Deep and KY were holding on fine. Determined to prove their testicular fortitude, neither of them conceded defeat. I don’t know how they did it because I was already half dead. Maybe their tongues had already been burnt to oblivion. Props to them both for surviving the hottest chilli wings in Malaysia without drinking a drip of water.
We decided it was no fun if we leave Frontera without determining a clear winner after that round, so we asked the waiter if there’s anything hotter than what we just had.
Behold, the Mexican habanero chilli.
It’s one of the hottest chilli species in the world. So hot, it makes the Malaysian chilli padi tastes like Mentos candy in comparison.
If there’s one thing that can set men apart from boys, this is it.
This devil is so terrifyingly hot, even the owner Larry needed much coaxing and convincing before he dared to down his own spice.
There was much hesitation initially. However, boys being boys, the need to prove our manhood overtook our common senses. Before long, each of us were taunting one another, “BE A MAN. DO THE RIGHT THING!”
We cut one habanero chilli into four slices, and four of us idiots downed them all at the same time.
In the words of Arnold, hasta la vista, baby.
This time, not even the best among us can stand the heat.
No words are necessary. Deepak’s face said it all.
“Holy shit muthafuc…!!!”
KY looked like he was giving birth.
If he did, I wouldn’t be surprised if a baby chilli came out of his ass. It was THAT bad.
I tried the bloody thing, and lemme tell ya, it was extreme excruciating pain.
My face was numb. I was dripping sweat all over and quickly losing all senses. Everything around me was a blur. I barely remembered walking round and round the restaurant wondering if I could make it back to
Kuching Mexico alive.
For the next three minutes, we were squirming, moaning, swearing and breathing heavily. Other customers at the restaurant could’ve easily mistaken us for having a four-men gay orgy.
Everything was getting real ugly real fast.
I saw Larry drank water. Immediately, I gave up and gulped down another glass of water for myself.
KY hadn’t had a drink yet but he wasn’t looking too good either. A few minutes later, we saw him hurling his stomach contents into the sink. I couldn’t hold it myself and promptly followed suit.
The Frontera staff has to don them rubber gloves to clear our mess up.
With myself, Larry and KY literally going down in flames, there was only one last man standing.
Deepak Gill. He da man!
It was a night of chaos and madness. But like any good story, ours didn’t stop there.
Because each of us held the slices of habanero chilli with our fingers earlier, everything we touched after that stung and hurt like a bitch. It was almost like a perverse version of the Midas touch. Instead of turning into gold, everything we touched BURNS.
I rubbed my eyes with my hand, it burns.
I wiped the sweat off my face, it burns.
And then I made a mistake in the toilet when I took my manhood out with my hand to pee. Yes, IT FREAKING BURNS.
The worst part was yet to come.
Next morning as I sat in the loo emptying last night’s dinner out my ass, guess what?
Last night’s habanero’s chili, I was tasting it from my a-hole.
For once in my life, I can proudly say – Yes, I have a burning hot ass!
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