Category: Favourite Entries

World Toilet College

I’m not sure how many people read this article from Trust me, I tried to keep a straight face reading it, but I failed miserably.

I thought I’ve seen everything, but a toilet college!? Incredulous!
Heck, I didn’t know there’s even a World Toilet Organisation based in Singapore until I read that article. But make no mistake about it, funny as it is, the World Toilet Organisation (WTO) is a legitimate organisation that aims to promote hygiene and sanitation in public toilets. They even got their own website at!
I clicked on their website and saw this.

What a pun!

EARLY BIRD DISCOUNT! My Big Bird laughed so hard it fell off. Almost.
Anyway, you gotta pity the World Trade Organisation for sharing the three-letter acronym as the World Toilet Organisation. Imagine what the families of their employees are gonna have to put up with.

Mrs Lim: “Ehhhh… hello Mrs Yee! How are you doing today?”
Mrs Yee: “I’m fine! How’s your husband har? He found a job already or not?”
Mrs Lim: “Yah! He’s now working for the WTO!”
Mrs Yee: “Wah! WTO! World Trade Organisation ah?!”
Mrs Lim: “No lah… World Toilet Organisation. :(”

Aerial view of the World Toilet Organisation (WTO) Headquarters in the heart of Singapore’s CBD.

I think there’s gonna be weirder conversations when the World Toilet College (WTC) gets up and running.

Jimmy: “Hi guys!”
David: “Eh Jimmy, long time no see!”
Ah Leong: “Yah man, I heard you went to Australia. What you studying there, man?”
Jimmy: “I’m at Melbourne University. Majoring in Computer Engineering.”
David: “I’m doing my Bachelor of Laws at NUS right now. Majoring in Property Law.”
Ah Leong: “WAH!”
Jimmy: “Where you studying now, Ah Leong?”
Ah Leong: “Oh… I’m studying at World Toilet College. Majoring in Advanced Shit Management.”

I think things are gonna get real interesting.
Well, there is a lot of speculation what the World Toilet College is gonna be like, but nobody seem to have any specific details. No one knows who the lecturers are, what the facilities are like, and so on.
Now, thanks to very reliable inside sources (ok lah, it was just the cleaning lady at my office), I managed to get my hot little hands on some never-before-seen, exclusive, top-secret photos from inside the World Toilet College.
Remember, you’ve seen it first on 😉
Here’s what the inside of their world-class state-of-the-art lecture theatre looks like.

Students are invited to sit on toilet bowls during classes.

The graduation ceremony.

The graduation regalia includes wearing a toilet seat around your neck, and instead of wearing a mortarboard, you wear a “tam pui” (kid’s potty) on your head.

To save on costs, the certificates are printed on toilet paper in “special brown” colour.

Mr Lau Sai King’s parents are gonna be so proud of their son.

I’m sure enrolment numbers will jump wildly as soon as the World Toilet College begins operation.

When A Good Layout Isn’t Exactly Important

I’m honestly a little bit that surprised my entry on Blogskin Sins received more backlash than expected.
They said:
“Its their website and they can do whatever they want.”
“Its not for you to comment on their blogs. Leave them alone.”
“Even if they committed those ‘Blogskin sins’. I’m still going to read it if the content is good.”
I say:
“True, I’m not saying they have to change their layout just to suit my taste. I’m just saying if they’re hoping the majority will read their blog with that kind of layout, then they can just keep on hoping.”
Who said interesting content is more important than friendly layout? If you haven’t got a good layout, its gonna be difficult trying to read the content anyways.

Example of a badly-made Blogskin.

Well, this entry is dedicated to those who think bad Blogskins is acceptable. The navigation buttons are hidden. Good luck trying to figure out where to click. This is also my site and I can do whatever I want, right?
Enjoy. English – Benglish Translator

Want to assist your child’s learning with English lessons?  Then using these great English lesson plans made for teachers can provide your children extra help. You can find great literature on how English books measure up and which ones meet state standards. The lesson plans will help you follow along with their English learning.  Also check out these great resources for teaching your kids English and achieving good grades.

Enter website address to translate:

I was happily writing my Ah Beng entry last Saturday when suddenly I sensed something was amiss.
Notice how on the Internet, we have these English – Spanish translators, English – Chinese translators, etc. Heck, we even have an English – Gangsta Talk translator. But has anyone ever noticed that we do not yet have an English – Benglish translator.

Think about it! We have literally tens and thousands of technology graduates in Malaysia and Singapore working their asses off each day for giant corporations like Motorola. And for what? Does it benefit our own people? NO.
On the other hand, we have all these Ah Bengs and Ah Lians on our streets. They rather drive their modified Kancils with boom-boom sound instead of surfing the Internet reading blogs. Why, my friend, its because they feel neglected! Neglected by society! Neglected by school! Neglected by all these proper English-speaking people! We only care for ourselves. But what about them?

The English we use on the Internet all so cheem-cheem one, how do you expect those Ah Bengs to understand? Can you imagine an Ah Beng surfing the Internet or not?
“EH! Wat all this lan jiao Googur chee bye Brogspot!? I DONCH KNOW ONE LEH!”
Poor Ah Bengs. 🙁 I’m sure they all feel very left out.
And that is why over the weekend, I flexed my programming muscles and came up with this English – Benglish Translator. Its just something I quickly put together in my spare time, and there’s only around 100 words in the dictionary right now, so its not gonna perfect. Any suggestions, let me know.

Enter website address to translate:

Recommended readings:
Project Petaling Street in Benglish in Benglish
XiaXue in Benglish
Minishorts in Benglish
Joel Tan in Benglish
Mack Zul in Benglish
Cowboy Caleb in Benglish
Finicky Feline in Benglish
Vincent Lau in Benglish
If you’ve found any funny Benglish-translated sites worth visiting, comment and share lah!

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Kenny Sia Replies To Furong Jiejie

I hate disclaimers, but since people insist…
Disclaimer: This entry was initially written under the assumption that Furong Jiejie had a part in the writing those entries on her English blog that attacked XiaXue and insinuated that I sent her those photos. This entry was written in response to those actions.
There is no concrete proof to conclude either she has or doesn’t have a part in her English blog. There is a possibility her English blog is a work of an impersonator. Her original Chinese entries on Tsinghua and Beijing Universities’ BBS are still not available. From newspaper reports, it is clear that her new blog on is NOTHING like her old entries on BBS.
I repeat, this entry was originally written under the assumption Furong Jiejie had a part in the writing those entries. An assumption valid at the time of writing. is not responsible for ANY comments not made by him on his entries or on his tag-board.

If you don’t know who Furong Jiejie is, apparently she is mainland China’s biggest internet celebrity. Biggest ego, that is.
This delusional 28-year-old peasant from the Shaanxi province gained notoriety on the internet after posting so-called “provocative” photos of herself on Tsinghua and Beijing universities’ bulletin boards almost daily. Accompanying those vomit-inducing photos are descriptions like “To men, I am the sweetest flower. They love to drink my nectars.” *read in chinky PRC accent*.
Furong Jiejie claims she’s under 45kg. I think that’s probably just the skin on her face.

Nobody, not even sociology experts, can explain why she is so popular. At first glance I thought she’s somewhat of a lame joke. How could someone like HER turned into China’s most talked about internet persona? She is a little bit like me. Not only is her writing a piece of shit, her face is a piece of shit too.

Would you like to drink my nectars?

Yet, each day hundreds and thousands of people from the second largest internet-using nation in the world log on to those sites to see Furong Jiejie make a complete and utter fool out of herself. Rampant opium use in China the last millenia must have fucked up their brains worse than I thought.

Watch my picture and desire me in your mind-heart. How good I feel with you.I know you desire me.”

Furong Jiejie’s vanity and narcissistic streak earned her constant comparison to XiaXue. To me, the difference between them is just too obvious.
– XiaXue makes it clear she’s joking. Furong Jiejie shows no signs of that.
– XiaXue is at least sometimes funny. Furong Jiejie is just… sad.
– XiaXue looks above average. Furong Jiejie is an insult to the word ‘ugly’.
But make no mistake about it, Furong Jiejie IS indeed the most talked about Chinese blogger on the Internet.
I searched “Kenny Sia” on Google and I got 26,900 hits.
I searched “XiaXue” on Google and I got 87,800 hits.
I searched “芙蓉姐姐” (Furong Jiejie’s Chinese name) on Google.
685,000 freakin’ hits.

Camel Toe sighted in China

What’s more? Movie studios are seeking after her. The Chinese government wants to ban her. Fan/hate sites continue to mushroom all over the internet. Furong Jiejie’s ascension to fame is as staggering as it is mind-boggling.
Just last month, Furong Jiejie started her English ENGRISH blog site. It isn’t doing as well as her Chinese-language sites. Lately, she’s been seen trolling around the Singaporean blogosphere in an obvious loserish attempt to gain hits from outside China. She made her first move by challenging XiaXue on her blog.

XiaXue, of course, didn’t budge an inch. Why should she waste her precious blogging time on someone like her?
Then out of the sudden for some obscure reason, I came into the picture. Original link here.

I don’t even have topless photos of XiaXue lah! Even if I have, what makes you think I’ll simply send them out to you? Must pay money one you know?
GAN that Furong cheebye! THE NERVES!
So, I happily angrily clicked on the link because I wanna see XiaXue topless to see if what she said is true. To my absolute disappointment amusement, this picture popped up instead.

I laughed so hard my left coconut fell. That’s SarongPartyGirl, not XiaXue lah!
As soon as I saw that pic, two thoughts crossed my mind simultaneously.
1. Poor SarongPartyGirl. She can’t even drink a glass of milk properly without spilling it all over herself.
2. Poor Wendy Cheng. This is the SECOND TIME people mistaken SarongPartyGirl for her.

Remember THIS?

There’s only one clear thing coming out of that post: Furong Jiejie is riding on Xiaxue’s popularity like she wants me to ride her “like donkey in my brain”.
The worst thing is, Furong Jiejie wants ME to print out this picture and hang it over my bed tonight.

Excuse me while I vomit my dinner out.
I don’t know what to say.
Thank you Furong Jiejie for your “sexy picture”.
But I’d rather hang this picture over my bed tonight instead.

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Miss Tourism Pageant 2005 Kuching Show

Just got back from the Kuching preview show of the Miss Tourism Pageant 2005 last night.
I didn’t even know this type of beauty pageant exist, until I caught the bunch of them having lunch at one of the hotel cafes. Miss Tourism is very similar to Miss World or Miss Universe, only less glitzy and particular emphasis is placed on the contestants tourism knowledge and background.

Photos here will not be in chronological order or in context.

The Kuching ‘Preview’ Show was held at the Crowne Plaza hotel ballroom. The tickets are expensive at RM300 per person and are difficult to get by. I’ve called the organizers a few times before but they’re unwilling to sell individual tickets as they’d rather sell by the table.
I was finally given a chance to buy the elusive RM300 ticket at the door on the actual event. Having gotten into a minor car accident earlier in the day, I was hesitant to part with my hard-earned cash. So I tried a trick.
I put on my best dress shirt and tailored pants, wore a (borrowed) huge ass digital SLR camera on my neck, and at the actual event I walked into the ballroom confidently as if I own the whole freakin’ place.

No these are not the contestants. Its a warm-up show. I reckon if the bellydancers at the Bloggers.SG conference are anything like this, the whole trip to Singapore would be worth it.

I walked past the reception. No response.
Walked past hotel security. No reaction.
Walked past the organizers. Nuh-uh.
I found my table (they made a mistake by revealing my table number before I even got my ticket), pulled a chair, sat and started eating the shark fin soup and butter prawns they served. Still no dramas. People look at me as if its very common for strangers to share a table like that.
Yes you heard it right. I got to dine at a 5-star hotel, rub shoulders with snobbish socialites, and meet with 30 other beauty queens, all for abso-fucking-lutely FREE. FREE. FREE.
Thank you, lax security guards!

The show opens with what the MC called a ‘thoughtful and inspiring’ speech by the Tourism Minister.

The minister’s speech can be summed up as follows:
1. We’re not here to see pretty girls, we’re here to promote world peace and harmony.
2. Tourism is important so all the government money spent on this beauty pageant is worth it.
3. I got to see all these pretty girls backstage before all of you do, and I took pictures with all of them too. So obviously my balls are bigger than yours. (I’m serious. He did say something to that effect.)
Anyone wanna bet his stupid speech is gonna make the headlines tomorrow?

Contestants appear in dazzling Sarawak cultural costumes. I like Miss Brazil. I wanted to ask her to show me her Brazilian wax.

Letting someone like me sneak into the Miss Tourism Pageant was the last of the organizer’s concerns. A number of contestants have withdrawn or miss the show completely.

Miss Venezuela looked fabulous in that pink empress outfit. I reckon she looks like UK singer Billie Piper.

Poor Miss Ethiopia for example, was quarantined at the KLIA because she can’t produce her medical certificate and the officials here fear that she may have yellow fever or something like that. I think she’s gonna be so traumatised that when she goes back, she’s gonna have yellow Asian fever.

Miss Pakistan doing the Bollywood dance.

Perhaps the most high-profile scandal was the one involving Miss Tibet. The Chinese government forced her to compete as Miss Tibet-China, but she refused and ended up withdrawing from the contest instead.

Miss USA looks like she has a dislocated her hip bones playing the hoola hoops. Don’t you think she bears an uncanny resemblance to Jessica Simpson?

Anyway, after the initial introduction of the contestants, a selected few were invited to perform their ‘special talents’ on stage. Most danced. Miss USA did it with the hoola hoops.
Miss Singapore was scheduled to do an Aikido martial arts demonstration. But when she stepped forth, she…
… rolled on the floor.
… and again, to the left.
… then again, to the right.
And before you know it, its all over.
I thought I came for a beauty contest, but I went to a dog-rolling contest by mistake.

Miss Malaysia easily had the best performance of the night. She sang a rendition of ‘In Your Head’ ‘Zombie’ by The Cranberries and her vocals was simply awesome.
I shall upload the videos tomorrow or something.
The evening wear parade was next on the list.
Miss China is damn skinny, but she got a nice albeit flat face though. I dig Miss Hong Kong’s outfit (2nd from left) and Miss Brazil (3rd from left) looks fantastic in just about anything.
Miss Slovakia on the other hand has a great body but a very ‘plastic’ face. I managed to snap a photo of her later in the hotel lobby.
WAH! Look like she just walked out of a Barbie Doll box.
This is that curvilicious Miss Belarus’ back. I reckon she has the best dress out of all the girls that night.
Miss Venezuela in her snake-print outfit. Miss Vietnam in the background. Why is it that all the beauty queens seem to hail from Venezuela?
I was looking forward to a swimsuit parade. Too bad with the conservative politicians in the audience I see a fat chance of that happening.
The next session of the show features the contestants in cocktail wear.
Miss Brazil looking fabulously neon pink. Check out Miss Belarus in that black dress! She looked like she jumped out of a watch ad or something. Those two are definitely my favourites alongside Miss Venezuela. Miss Cambodia in the background kinda pale in comparison.
Miss Romania looks like a total doll without Miss Slovakia’s plasticky feel. What a queen.
That’s Miss Russia by the door in the background. She’s another one of those with a good body, but her face something wrong one.
Miss Singapore Celest Foo definitely had the BEST evening wear of the night.
I spoke to Miss Singapore when I stalked bumped into the contestants during lunch a few days ago. That’s how I remember her name. Its quite clear to me that she’s not the most confident one of the group. She commented how intimidated she felt since the girls there are all so tall.
But Celest is very down-to-earth and I felt as if I was talking to my high school mate or something. There’s no pretentious “I’m better than you” air about it. I like her.
The subsidiary title of Miss Damai was to be given out that night, but before that we were rudely interrupted by an intermission program.

George Michael would be so proud of his sense of fashion.

Cheebye lah. Talk about from one extreme to the other.
The moment of truth. Who will win the crown of Miss Damai (whatever the hell that is)?
Make a wild guess?


Miss USA giving the look that says “Pick me! Pick me!”

btw, that’s Miss Tunisia standing on the far right. Not Miss Tiuniasing ok.

Congratulations Celest! 🙂 You totally deserve it.
Don’t go using your special Aikido talent and roll back to Singapore now.
Coincidentally I’m in Singapore right now, looking forward to attending the Blogger.SG conference tomorrow. Pop by DXO at the Esplanade if you’re in town alright.
This wraps up my account of the Kuching preview show. The Miss Tourism Pageant Grand Final will be held in Miri City on the 23rd July. I have my favourites – specifically Miss Brazil, Miss Belarus, Miss Romania and Miss Venezuela. I hope they win.

Bye bye…

Well, who do you think should win?

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Talk Cock King At His Best

Its a slow start to the weekend and I’m hardly motivated to do post on my own. But for those who didn’t catch it, here’s the infamous conversation I had with minishorts, reproduced with some Malay words translated and graphics included.
I still get a chuckle everytime I read it.
(Minishorts and I were slacking off at work. We were talking about my reputation as a crowd pleaser)
minishorts : you horrible lah
Kenny : i please everyone too much
minishorts : reply religiously
minishorts : die lah
minishorts : i go by the mantra : i don’t give a fucking damn.
Kenny : i don’t give a damn, but I can give a fucking.
minishorts : i’m sure
minishorts : how long are you
Kenny :
Kenny : private question!
minishorts : i want to know
Kenny : siao ah
minishorts : 3 inches limp! yes
minishorts : silence is consent
minishorts : muahahaha!
Kenny : that’s like asking for ur cup size.
minishorts : eh no lah i think
Kenny : u dun tell ppl one u know.
minishorts : 2.5 inches limp
minishorts : i’m a xxxxx
Kenny : !
Kenny : i didn’t ask.
Kenny : u dun crazy.
Kenny : anyway
minishorts : i’m trying to tell you its the same thing
minishorts : so…
minishorts : 2.5 inches limp
Kenny : it doesn’t matter that size it is limp
Kenny : ‘cos limp is useless anyway.
minishorts : maximum 5.5 inches hard
Kenny : hey i never measured.
minishorts : i’m going to blog this
minishorts : mUAHHAHA
minishorts : anyway
minishorts : i think its…
Kenny : but even if i had, i’m not gonna tell.
minishorts : ok
Kenny : !
minishorts : from thumb end
minishorts : to little finger end
minishorts : outstretched
minishorts : that’s the length
minishorts : right not?
Kenny : hey i’m in the office right now
Kenny : not gonna unzip my pants and confirm your statements!
minishorts : chewah words only mah
minishorts : go and wank yourself and see
Kenny : cannot
Kenny : must have images.
minishorts : then come back tell me how big is the big bird
Kenny : waliew
Kenny : wendy asked me the same thing
Kenny : and i didn’t wanna answer her
minishorts : hehehe
Kenny : she said “if you’re long, you’d answer. if you don’t answer, that means you’re short.”
Kenny : !!!
Kenny : die die both ways.
minishorts : i can estimate a guy’s length by his face
minishorts : top of forehead
minishorts : to bottom of chin
minishorts : that’s the length…when hardened..
minishorts : usually correct one
Kenny : no wonder girls like horse face
Kenny : crazy ah
minishorts : you don’t believe go check and see
Kenny : eunuches don’t have flat face
Kenny : squashed face i mean
minishorts : next time you go wanking… you estimate the length of your face
minishorts : use your hands to help lah… then you will be shocked by the accuracy of my prophecy
Kenny : DAMN YOU
Kenny : now everytime i look a man’s face i think of the length of his penis
Kenny : shit
Kenny : now i gotta photoshop my face to make it look longer.
minishorts : hahaha!
minishorts : eh what’s the length lah
minishorts : got yellow feathers all around your dick right
Kenny : c’mon. why did u wanna know! not like i’m gonna sleep with you.
Kenny : or anyone else
Kenny : anytime soon.
minishorts : cheh
minishorts : you keep on saying you got big bird
Kenny : siao ah
Kenny : of course its all in jest
minishorts : you got your ownself into this
Kenny : hohoho
Kenny : good what
Kenny : keep the suspense there.
Kenny : remain an unsolved mystery.
minishorts : no oh.
minishorts : not fun
minishorts : wait lemme see..
minishorts : yeah lah kautim should be 5.5 inches when hard and solid
Kenny : my face length is longer than 5.5 inch ok
minishorts : yeah meh
minishorts : you take ruler and measure your face length adi
Kenny : 18cm
minishorts : fucker
minishorts : ok i change the metthod
minishorts : FACE width

After the extraction of my 4 wisdom teeth, 2 years ago.

minishorts : from right cheek end to left cheek end
Kenny : ear to ear or what
minishorts : cheek end to cheek end
Kenny : 19 cm
minishorts : hahahahaha
Kenny : depends on where u position it
minishorts : mid-cheek to mid-cheek
Kenny : fuck lah
Kenny : next thing u know u’ll say left nostril to right nostril
minishorts : that one is your flacid length
Kenny : not that short pun
Kenny : c’mon lah
minishorts : you got big nose hole mah
Kenny : how would u like it if ppl say they can measure ur cheebye length by the width of your lips.
Kenny : gross rite
minishorts : got such thing meh
Kenny : everytime ppl look at u, u’d feel violated.
minishorts : where got gross
minishorts : we girls are proud of our vaginas.
Kenny : mann
Kenny : we shouldn’t compare.
minishorts : i’m not comparing
Kenny : everyone is good in their own right
Kenny : heh heh heh
minishorts : i’m just saying it’s like a lock-and-key situation.
minishorts : when you find a man, it’s like you’re looking for the key to your lock.
minishorts : IF the key fits… sex will be superbo.
Kenny : hey, what does it have got anything to do with me.
minishorts : length doesn’t necessarily matter.
Kenny : even if i say 30 cm u’re not gonna leave eric for me.
minishorts : of course not.
minishorts : he is infinite.
Kenny : besides
Kenny : i can just say any number
Kenny : u’ll never know.
Kenny : shit.
minishorts : 30 cm you will look like a hantu lah
minishorts : i’m trying to say… length doesn’t matter… what matters is that the key will fit the lock.
Kenny :
minishorts : but that doesn’t stop us from wanting to know ‘just how big is kenny’s big bird’.
Kenny : a dick is not a key. a cheebye is not a lock.
Kenny : u dun insert the key into the lock and turn clockwise.
Kenny : u insert the key, remove the key, insert the key, remove….
minishorts : hahahahaa
minishorts : wah you damn experienced hoh
Kenny : 9 months later they’ll produce a baby lock
Kenny : and a baby key
minishorts : i’m asking you about your length
minishorts : you tell me about insert key remove insert key remove
Kenny : well
Kenny : that’s for the ladies to find out.
Kenny : u better dun ask one of ur undercover agents to seduce me.
Kenny : next time i see elaine acting strangely towards me i’ll know one.
minishorts : ok change method
minishorts : i think your key…. i mean dick
minishorts : is the length of the word ‘dick
minishorts : when typed out in times new roman font size 72.
minishorts : correct?
Kenny : well
Kenny : dick is a short-form
Kenny : the actual word is dickonorsaurus.
minishorts : that one
minishorts : if it is dickonorsaurus.
minishorts : then is is the length of that word typed out in times new roman font size … 24
Kenny : scientific name. dickonosaurus cerebus palpatineus von obiwan kenobicus
Kenny : so there.
minishorts : talk kok king at his best.
minishorts : that one should be times new roman font size 10
Kenny : brb i wanna go to the toilet
Kenny : NOT to measure ok
Kenny : i drank too much water
minishorts : go measure go measure


If you blog everyday, people say you have no life.
If you don’t blog everyday, people say you’re running out of ideas.

Anyone got anymore contributions to the list?
Happy 6-month anniversary to
Having blogged for so long, here are some of the things I’ve learnt thus far.
Bloglitics = Blog politics. It is inevitable. Anything you do or write will be used against you. Whatever you put on your blog, there’s ALWAYS people out there who will be offended.
What can you write on your blog?
If you write about your daily life, people will say that your daily life is very boring.
If you don’t write about your daily life, people will say that you have no life.
If you post photos of yourself in your blog, people will say you are an attention-seeking bitch.
If you don’t post photos of yourself in your blog, people will say you’re an ugly-looking anonymous coward hiding behind the computer screen.
If you post Photoshopped photos of yourself in your blog, people will say you are fake.
If you post un-Photoshopped photos of yourself in your blog, people will say you cause infertility.
If you link and write good things about other bloggers, people are gonna say you’re an ass-kisser.
If you link and write bad things about other bloggers, people are gonna say you’re just jealous.
If you praise Singaporean girls, people are gonna think you’re putting down Malaysian girls.
If you defend Malaysian girls, people are gonna think you have something against Singaporean girls.
If you write about your conservative lifestyle, people will say you’re a right-wing evangelising religious nut trying to force other people to lead your lifestyle.
If you write about your liberal lifestyle, people will say you’re a sex-crazed attention-seeking exhibitionist slut who enjoys baring your titties on the Internet.
If you post photos of pretty girls on your blog, no matter how pretty you think they are, there will ALWAYS be people out there who say they’re ugly.
If you write jokes on your blog, people will say you’re not funny.
If you write satirical jokes on your blog, there will ALWAYS be someone who don’t get it and turn all angry and upset over it.
If you create a personality quiz on your blog in the name of fun, people will say your readers have no personality.
If you have ads on your blog, people will say you’re selling out.
If you don’t have ads on your blog, people will say you’re stupid for not trying to make easy money.
If you leave your comments and site address on other blogs, people will say you’re site-whoring.
If you get featured in the newspaper because of your blog, people will say you’re a fame whore.
If you reject the newspaper’s request for an interview, people will say you’re a stuck-up bitch.
If you write socio-political blogs, people will say you are boring.
If you don’t write socio-political blogs, people will say you are infantile.
If you write in perfect English, people will say you’re a hao-lian elitist.
If you write in casual colloquial English, people will say you cannot write at all.
If you write about Malaysian issues, people will say you’re trying to imitate Jeff Ooi.
If you rant and diss using words like ‘dipshit’ and ‘dumbfucks’, people will say you’re trying to imitate Maddox.
And if you write an entry like this, people will say you’re trying to imitate mr brown.
As a matter of fact, here’s a screenshot of what I believe is the most bloglitically-correct blog you can find on the Internet.
If you follow these simple rules, then I can assure you that you’re well on your way to bloglitically-correct superstar-dom.


I suffer from an incurable disease. Its called Datuknametoolongitis.
Datuknametoolongitis is typically characterised by the sufferer’s inability to remember people’s names in full, especially that of the Datuks. At best the sufferer can absorb the first three syllables of the name. Anything after that becomes pure gibberish.

Jalan Datuk what-what-what?

Kuching, my hometown, is a city that discriminates victims of Datuknametoolongitis, like me. I’m saying that because 70% of the roads here are named after famous people, most of whom are Datuks, some of whom have unfortunately very very long names.
Many years ago I remember studying at a Chinese Primary School along Pineapple Road, not too far from Palm Road. I remember a Jalan Keretapi (Train Road) near Wisma Saberkas. There’s even a oddly named Jalan Central Barat (Central West Road), which is a strange fusion of Malay and English words.

Jalan Rambutan. One of the few old road that retained its name. No there’s no Jalan Coconuts.

I then travelled to Perth Australia where I stayed for eight years growing accustomed to road names like Hay Street where I do my shopping, and James Street where there’s good bubble tea, great coffee and fantastic pubs at night. The longest road name I’ve came across is probably Sir Charles Court Promenade, which is more of a walkway on campus than a road.
And then I return to Kuching. And I experienced reverse culture shock.
There are some changes with Kuching that I can put up with. Then there are some that I cannot.

One road, two names. One new, one old. Kinda defeats the purpose of changing its name isn’t it?

Gone was Jalan Central Barat, its now Jalan Tan Sri Ong Kee Hui. Gone were Palm Road and Jalan Keretapi, its now Jalan Tun Ahmad Zaidi Adruce.
I have nothing against their names. I don’t even know who the heck they are. But I’m sure at one point or another probably they did something so magnificient the city council decided to name a road after them. Then another. And another. And one more. Then another…
As if remembering long and complicated names wasn’t difficult enough for sufferers of Datuknametoolongitis like me, I was further punished by having to differentiate between two almost similar road names.

Two roads, similar names. But the difference is day and night.

Its not that I didn’t try remembering the names. Believe me, I tried. Its very difficult to know the names by heart. One trick I find very useful is to associate the road name with food.

Doing so helps me remember long road names, but makes me hungry very easily.

Its too bad some road names are a bit too long for me to use that trick.

Umm… Jalan Murtabak?

Then they start naming the roundabouts after these famous people.

Try reading them double fast without pausing.

How bad can this get? I thought those were the worst, I have no idea.
Until I came face to face… with The Mother of All Long Roundabout Names.


DOUBLE the “Datuk”, DOUBLE the “Abang Haji”, DOUBLE THE OOMPH!!!

Its not true what they said about Sarawakians living on trees you know. That’s not what we’re famous for.
We’re famous for giving road directions to tourists.
Angmoh tourist: “Excuse me, how do I get to the library?”
Local Sarawakian: “Oh that’s easy! From here, go along Jalan Datuk Abang Abdul Rahim, turn right at Jalan Tun Abdul Rahman and drive until you reach Bulatan Datuk Temenggong Abang Kipali Bin Abang Akip. Do a 3 o’clock towards Jalan TunKU Abdul Rahman, make a left at Jalan Tun Ahmad Zaidi Adruce and drive until you reach the roundabout at Bulatan Datuk Amar Abang Haji Suleiman Bin Haji Taha. Exit at Jalan Tun Abang Haji Openg, then turn left at Jalan Laksamana Cheng Ho. Soon you’ll reach Bulatan Datuk Menteri Abang Haji Mohammad Zin Bin Haji Salleh, where you should turn into Jalan Tun Datuk Patinggi Abang Haji Muhammad Salahuddin until you arrive Bulatan Datuk Patinggi Abang Haji Abdillah Bin Datuk Bandar Abang Haji Mohammad Kassim.
The library is just on your left. Any questions?”

Angmoh tourist:

Why I Should Date Singaporean Girls

She wasn’t the first girl to throw a marriage proposal my way, you know.
I’m always gonna remember twirly mouth babe Scarlett Ting as the first one who (jokingly) asked me to marry her. Then there’s Finicky Feline who didn’t propose, but named me as one of the guys she’d date. I tell you, reading their entries is enough to make my testicles grow to twice their original size.

Hmmm… which one should I choose? [Ting art by Jayaxe, Feline masterpiece by Caleb. ]

Coincidentally, the three ladies share a common trait, ie they are all Singaporean. Alright, I know Ting is from JB and Finicky Feline is from Penang. But to me they are still Singaporean. See, Kenny’s definition of a Singaporean is someone who has been living in Singapore for a considerable amount of time. NOT someone who doesn’t understand what their own national anthem means because its in bloody Malay.
The whole thing got me thinking once again of a hypothetical situation. What if I am single and available and looking for a girlfriend; and what if XiaXue, Ting and Feline weren’t joking and were 100% serious about wanting to hook up with me?
I think my first reaction would be “HAR? YOU WANNA DATE ME? YOU SIAO GINAH AR?!”
Siao ginah

Hair Contortionist – An example of a ‘Siao Ginah’

That’s not discounting the ladies because obviously they are arguably the most wanted and eligible bachelorettes in the blogging community. Its just that I’d be totally dumbfounded why anyone would consider me boyfriend material. I am, after all, just an average-looking guy from the small city of Kuching who still lives with his mother and two dogs with no names.
Yes, my two dogs have no names. I kinda ran out of doggie names to call them, so the poor bastards have been called “Oi, YOU!” for quite some time now. At one point I even named them ‘Jayden’ and ‘Kirsten’, after my sister’s two children. Don’t think my sister is gonna be too happy if she finds out.
Anyway, back to the topic at hand.
I’m not gonna lie here. Nicole can chop me to pieces later, but I find Singaporean women in general very, very, very attractive. By ‘attractive’ I mean either they look pretty, or they have a nice character, or both.
They are so attractive in fact, even the Malaysian girls who’ve lived there come back looking pretty. I’m being honest here. To date, I haven’t yet met a Singaporean girl I can truthfully say is ugly. Sometimes I feel I’m a little bit out of their league.
Regardless, here I am taking a page off Finicky Feline’s book err… blog, and present to you – reasons why myself (and perhaps other Malaysian men) should and should not date Singaporean girls.

Why I should date Singaporean girls:
1. Singaporean girls have fantastic fashion sense
The MNG, the m}phosis, even the This Fashion (or was it That Fashion? heh heh) all deserve a medal for sprucing up Singaporean girls with something nice to wear and giving the guys something nice to look at at the same time. 🙂
2. Singaporean girls have a good sense of humour
Two girls I know in Perth (Candice and Rekha) are perfect examples of this. Actually I reckon Singaporeans in general have a good sense of humour. They know the difference between a sarcastic insult and a sarcastic joke, and they know when to take things seriously and when to have light-hearted fun. I don’t have to worry as much about offending someone when I joke.
3. Singaporean girls are more open about their sexuality
This one you can see for yourself in their blogs. Singaporean girls have no hesitation talking about sex in the same blog where they put their photos and real name, wheras Malaysian girls feel the need to hide behind an anonymous pseudonym before they can write anything about sex. Why ar? Social stigma lah.
4. Singaporean girls are capable of forming their own opinion
Despite my parents’ insistence, I have absolute zero interest in quiet docile women who looks sweet on the outside, but hollow on the inside. I don’t like girls who follow exactly what I said to the dot and keep quiet if I did something wrong that they don’t like. I don’t wanna date a maid who accepts everything I ask of them. I want girls who have brains and can think for themselves, not a doormat. Singaporean girls know what they want, and they say what they want. It makes the relationship more ‘human’, and that I admire.
5. Singaporean girls know how to party
I went to Zouk once and I was amazed to see the girls there doing the Para-Para, the Teppanyaki, or whatever dance you call it. I tried to dance but end up looking like I was jogging on the spot. Maybe dating a Singaporean girl could turn me into a Michael Flatley.
6. Singaporean girls are health conscious
Nowadays its all low fat, low carb, low everything. Can save money on dinner ‘cos she’ll just be drinking a glass of water.
7. Singaporean girls are more financially independant

Salary in Singapore is better and the exchange rate to Ringgit is pretty good at the moment. Money is never enough. Then again, having a lot of money is one thing. Unfortunately, knowing how to spell the word “BUDGET” is another thing.

Why I should NOT date Singaporean girls:
1. Cash, Car, Condominium, Credit Card, Career.
I don’t have lah!

XiaXue And I Are Getting Married!

Its not an everyday thing that I can claim that I am the source of every man’s envy.
Today is one of those rare occasions. I woke up this morning, checked my inbox and found out from my readers that Singaporean blog princess XiaXue Wendy Cheng has mentioned me on her 8,000 visitors/day blog. I head over to her site immediately and… believe it or not, the very attractive XiaXue posted an entry on her site ASKING ME TO MARRY HER!

Yes, XiaXue expertly executed to perfection ‘The Blogger Method’ in Sassyjan’s Guide for Desperate Female Singles Who Still Want Eligible Bachelors

The Blogger’s Method
Profess your love for him on your blog.
Write about how romantic/macho/hamsem he is.
BUT, say you know that he is out-of-bounds cause he’s attached, but you can’t help but fall for him.
Get your blogders/girlfriends to whore your Blog and make sure he reads it.
Again, let him think you are suffering in silence.
Men’s instinct will naturally want to protect you.

Whoa! Executed to perfection!
Why did XiaXue choose me? She blind ar? Someone like XiaXue could’ve chosen that Alt-F4 wanker Jerry Yan, or that tiny-dicked elf Orlando Broom. But no. Despite me having three-layered cake on my stomach instead of her favourite penis veins, XiaXue chose me. Me, ME, ME!
Heck, she even dedicated the entire entry to me and gave me five reasons why I should marry her. Well actually, I was only featured in a quarter of her entry – the rest of her entry was about how pretty she looks. But hey, something is better than nothing right? At least she thinks that I deserve to be sucked.
Well… Actually she meant my bandwidth deserves to be suck, not me. BUT STILL!
Anyway, according to XiaXue, one reason why I should marry her is because ‘She Is Yoda’.
Now, I don’t get it. WHY THE FUCK WOULD I WANNA MARRY SOMEONE WHO LOOKS LIKE YODA?! Can you even begin to imagine what Yoda would look like in the NUDE? Wrinkly green hairy ass and all. MAN!


On the night of his wedding, Kenny found out that his wife is not what he thought she’s supposed to be.

I think our in-bed coital sessions is gonna be very ridiculous.

XiaXue (as Yoda): “Kenny sweetums. Horny I am. Fuck me you must!”
Kenny: “Yes, master.”
*Undress. Kenny mounts XiaXue*
XiaXue: “Mmmmm…. Very nice that feels. Long lightsabre, you have!”
Kenny: “Thank you, master.”
XiaXue: “Ooooh, fuck me harder my padawan! Use the Force! USE THE FORCE!”
Kenny: “Ohhh… Yes, master.”
XiaXue: “Stop you must not! Cumming I am! CUMMING I AM!”
Kenny: “Hold on, master!”
XiaXue: “AAAAH!”
*BOOM! Xiaxue explodes*

Ok lah maybe its not that bad.
But there is still one problem with the marriage proposal though – I already have a girlfriend. But hey, let’s assume a hypothetical situation where I’m still single and available. And XiaXue has indeed lost her mind and decided to throw away the rest of her beautiful life by marrying me. Holy shit, what kinda wedding that would be?!
This is where I consulted my crystal ball (conveniently located inside my pants) and looked into the future…

The Wedding
It is not gonna be a conventional wedding in a hall filled with people you don’t know and ah pek / ah mah singing ‘Ai Pia Jia Eh Ia’ on the karaoke machine. No no no! XiaXue and I will be making history by holding the first ever Interblog-Wedding.
Sorry readers, and will be no more. Instead, the two blogs will combine into one brand new husband-and-wife blog site.

I shall call it… SIA XUE! HAHAAHAAA!!

The Pregnancy
What’s the point of getting married if you don’t form a family right?


Yes I know this picture has absolutely nothing to do with pregnancy. In fact it looks like XiaXue is sitting on the toilet bowl doing her number 2 business when someone barged in and snapped a photo of her. No idea why she’s smiling so happily though.
I put up this picture because I remember fondly when I was very young and naive, probably around 5 years old, I asked my mother where babies come from. My mother, obviously trying to avoid explaining the birds and the bees and the male and female anatomy, simply told me that babies come from ‘the mother’.
“But where? Impossible that the baby appears suddenly for no reason one bah!” innocent little Kenny asked.
“Ummm… it comes from the kacheng, dear. Just like when you pang sai.”
“Really? So whenever I find my sai very big and very difficult to squeeze out of my kacheng, it means that I’m having a baby too?”
*frustrated* “Err… yes dear!”
The horror! Ever since that conversation with my mom, I cried everytime I had constipation because I thought I’m gonna create a mini-Kenny that’s gonna drop into the toilet bowl and he’s gonna die because I wasn’t quick enough saving him.
I hate adults sometimes.

The Children
Now here’s where the bad news come.
Although we had hoped that our child look as cute as Abbie or Jayden, that is sadly not the case.

Meet our future daughter, Wenny Sia.

And out future son, Kendy Sia.
One big happy family!
*sigh* I don’t know, my dear XiaXue baby. But somehow I have a bad feeling that this is marriage is not gonna work out. Sorry!