Category: Reviews

Apple iPod Nano Review

Steve Jobs is a marketing genius and a bastard.

I KNOW I don’t need a portable MP3 player. I know I don’t need it because I don’t travel often, I don’t take public transport in Kuching, and I’ve already spent a lot upgrading my car’s stereo.

Apple iPods are pieces of overrated, overpriced audio gadgets. All Apple products are. They bloody cost twice as much as other products in its class and only do half their job. Yet I’m still willing to part with my hard-earned cash to buy it, and I have no idea why. They said when you truly love someone (or something), there’s no need to explain it.

The 4GB iPod nano costs RM1269 in KL, SGD$448 (RM999) in Singapore, RMB2599 (RM1215) in Shanghai and AUD$359 (RM1022) in Australia. I got mine from Perth for AUD$326 (RM929) after GST Refund.
I wanted the white one because I’m pure and innocent like a virgin, but the entire city’s supply went out of stock when I was there. It’s a good thing I got lucky with the salesman at the Perth AppleCentre. (Wait, that sounded kinda wrong…)

The iPod nano is small alright. So small in fact that you can just slide it in your wallet and still leave space for some coins, credit cards and condoms. It’s not as small compared to the iPod Shuffle, but at least it has a colour screen and a click wheel.

A lot of people warned me that the iPod nano scratches easily and that it’s screen might crack under pressure. Having used the iPod for 2 weeks, I can honestly say that that’s not true.
Don’t take my word for it though. These crazy idiots had the guts to put it through their very own ‘stress test’ just to see what it takes to kill an iPod nano.

Things that make grown men cry.

One thing I noticed is that the back of the iPod nano stains really bad. Not sure why, but I hope its not because I’ve been putting Vaseline on my hands too much.

The iPods’ audio quality may be so-so, but their strength lies in the smooth interfacing with their iTunes software. No other software on the market organises your massive database of MP3 files as good as iTunes. You can even set different equaliser presets for each of your files if you want.

The iPod nano comes with extra features similar to what modern mobile phones have.
Personally, I like the photo-viewing feature best. The screen size is too small to do anything useful, but navigating through thousands of photos with the clickwheel is a breeze. Transferring photos is a no brainer – just set the folder you want to sync it with and the iTunes software will take care of the rest. Now you can watch pr0n on the go!

Podcasts – radio of the 21st century. I subscribe to the mrbrown show and Perth’s 92.9

The iPod nano may be expensive but no doubt it is THE trendsetter in portable MP3 industry. All the marketing hype and it lives up to it. Others can try and they can only achieve second best.
It’s like comparing Proton with Porsche. Both perform the same function, but people are still going to spend serious cash to purchase the status, the prestige and the coconuts associated with the latter.

Salivate now, mere mortals. 😉

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Swee Mei Beauty Saloon Review

Swee Mei Beauty Saloon is this very old barber shop along Jalan Sekama that’s been in operation for as long as I could remember. I’ve been getting my haircut there since I was a young enough to have to sit on an elevated wooden plank. Almost 20 years later they’re still cutting my hair.

I kept going back there not because I like them, but because its becoming such a habit I didn’t bother going anywhere else. It wasn’t until much recently that I decided to get my hair done at other hair salons and I’ve neglected Swee Mei since then. In fact, my last visit was probably around 12 months ago.
Feeling a little nostalgic, I dropped by one day to pay them a visit.

This is the inside of the barber shop – the messy desk, the stench of lubricant, the mat on the chairs, Aaron Kwok on the radio singing ‘Dui Ni Ai Bu Wan’. Waliew, its like stepping back into the same barber shop 20 years ago.

Check out their tools. Screw those shit they use in modern hair salons. Swee Mei uses brushes and talcum powders and freaking BRYLCREEM! That’s 100% old school, baby. I don’t know what Loreal what Schwarzkopf wtf lah.
Swee Mei is too cool for that crap. They use Brylcreem and Brylcreem only, just like David Beckham. Until he went botak.

Heck, they are so old school, even their prices are the same as they were 20 years ago. How they manage to survive in this day and age of inflation and rising petrol cost, I have no idea.

Here’s a shot of me desperately in need of a haircut. My apologies for the bad lighting indoors. The Canon dSLR camera isn’t mine, but its the same one I borrowed to gatecrash the Miss Tourism Pageant. Note the Bloggercon T-shirt I was wearing, compliments of the Tomorrow.SG crew. 😉

Meet my barber. He’s still my favourite among the usual three in the shop. I’d like to introduce him, but 20 years of having my hair cut by him and I still have no idea what his name is. I just know him as the Ah Pek on the second chair in the barber shop.
Ah Pek is a genuinely nice guy alright. Every year, for 8 years, I’d returned from Australia and he’d attempt to strike up a conversation with me in Hokkien. And every year, for 8 years, our conversations would be the exact same topic.

Ah Pek: “Lu ding Orh Jiu tak chek hor?” (You’re studying in Australia right?)
Kenny: “Si lor.” (Yeah.)
Ah Pek: “Tak hamik?” (What course are you doing?)
Kenny: “Tak kar ji peng eh gao hor siang eh.” (I’m doing the equivalent of level 9 over here.)
Ah Pek: “Oh… Orh jiu ji zhong eh ti si jing leng hor?” (Oh… it must be very cold now in Australia isn’t it?)
Kenny: “Bo lah. Ji zhong jing juak leh.” (No lah, its damn hot right now leh.)
Ah Pek: “OH! Si ar hor. Orh Jiu ga Tiong Kok si toh peng eh!” (OH! That’s right. The seasons in Australia and China are opposites of each other!)
Kenny: “Mmm… tiok loh” (Mmmm… Correct.)
*awkward silence*

Anyway, I always tell my hairdressers to “Feel free to do whatever you want to do with my hair. Be creative.” But there’s no need for me to tell him to do that. As soon as my ass touch the seat, Ah Pek would start the session by spraying excessive water all over my head like I’m a potted plant.
After trimming most of my hair with an electric trimmer that smells like its been soaked overnight in motor oil, he picked up a huge pair of scissors and began cropping my hair slowly and carefully. His modus operandi was once again, the same as it was 20 years ago, except now the scissors is becoming blunt and squeaky, and his hands are shaking uncontrollably like he has Parkinson’s.

I requested for a shampoo like I always do at modern hair salons. Ah Pek politely declined, informing me that the shampoo girl grandma has gone home so I decided to let it go. Aiya, I don’t think I want to let him to shampoo my head lest he breaks his finger bones when he massaged my scalp.
I was getting my hair happily when suddenly Ah Pek stepped on a pedal on my chair and made me fall on my back. Skarly he pulled a knife out no where and held it against to my neck. I got so scared my balls almost shrank.

This picture could very well be mistaken for an al Qaeda hostage video in iRaq.

Actually I’m just getting an old-fashioned shave lah. Before Gillette comes along, this is how real men shave.
Ah Pek didn’t use any shaving foam, just some soap water to lubricate my chin with a bristle. He shaved everything he could shave too – my chins, sideburns, my face, my neck, monobrow. No lah not my chest hair. No aftershave afterwards either, just Vicks Vaporub to soothe the burns. He even trimmed the hair inside my nose and cleaned my ears with a cotton bud. So nice.
I know all these sounds very gay lah, but Ah Pek is so fatherly you wouldn’t even think about it. Anyway, 30 minutes later and this is how I look like.

Ya, I’m very shocked too. Nabeh, like I’m wearing a helmet right? I think I’m just a pussy moustache away from looking like Mr Adolf Hitler. I wonder if Desperate Addict is still gonna like me after this.
Still, at RM8.00, cannot complain lah. Its just an old-fashioned barber shop. How to compare right?

So, what do you think?

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Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf Mooncakes

Legend has it that many years ago, Hou Yi the Archer became separated from his wife Chang Er the Moonwalker after she swallowed a magical pill that made her float to the moon. Four thousand years later today, sad heartless people like us still celebrate their long distance relationship by eating mooncakes.

I cannot help but to be intrigued by Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf’s signature range of mooncakes, featuring specially-made mooncakes with ingredients like espresso, green tea and such.

I happen to pass by the one and only Coffee Bean outlet in Kuching on my way to work every morning that eventually I succumbed to temptations and bought myself a box to try out.

Don’t be fooled by the advertising material stating that it costs only RM32 because RM33.60 is its actual price. I hate it when I prepared the exact change at the counter only to be told I was RM1.60 short because their prices are subject to compulsary 5% govt tax. Dammit, how difficult is it to incorporate the tax DIRECTLY into your menu prices? Not everyone can do differential calculus in their head to calculate how much money a mooncake costs after tax, ya know?

That said, I quite like the packaging of the mooncake. The box is made of wood and it locks into place beautifully by a mechanism featuring the Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf’s logo. The inscription in front is some lame Chinese poetry on flowers falling and how round the moon is.

Here are the mooncakes, chilled and sealed to ‘gerengtee’ freshness. The refrigeration had a side effect of making them hard and flaky, instead of soft and chewy like it should be.

Unfortunately, the mooncakes are disappointingly small. Each piece is only about 75g which makes it about 1/3 the size of your average garden-variety mooncakes.

I picked the ‘Soothing Green Tea Mooncake’ first and took a bite off it. Its looks pretty but the taste is nothing to shout about. The aroma of green tea is there but it was too subtle to detect. Definitely too sweet for my liking.

This is the ‘Mochalicious Mooncake’ and its my first ever taste of a coffee-based mooncake. The whole thing, including its crust, is made with mocha flavouring. Like the green tea variety, the effect was too subtle and the excessive sugar unfortunately somewhat spoiled its flavour.

Next up, the ‘Chocolaty Coffee Crunch Mooncake’. I noticed I hit a hard spot when I sliced the mooncake. Turns out that Coffee Bean had put real whole coffee beans in this one for its crunchy effect. I like it. It starts out with sweet chocolate paste slowly followed by nice aromatic coffee aftertaste to round out the effect. The result was fantastic!

Now here’s my favourite – the ‘Ultimate Espresso Mooncake’! This must be the weirdest mooncake I’ve ever had. Imagine them taking whole espresso beans and blend it into a paste for their mooncake. Its something like that, bitter and all. I took a bite off it and the caffeine effect was like WHOA!
A lot of people probably wouldn’t like this variety, but like drinking macchiato without sugar, eating an espresso mooncake is an acquired taste. Personally, I love it.

Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf’s mooncakes are a nice deviation from boring red bean and lotus seed paste mooncakes. Despite it being so expensive, I say its still worth a try if you’re on a lookout for something different this Mid-Autumn Festival. Mooncakes are notoriously high in lard and sugar so just remember not to overdose on them lah.
Otherwise if you eat too much mooncake, your face will also become round like mooncake.

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Nouvo Club Review

This is yet another very old entry from my trip to KL once upon a time in a land far, far away. I actually completely forgotten about writing this entry until nal1210 made a passing comment to my by e-mail that she saw me before, and she saw me at Nouvo.

Situated on the corner of Jalan Ramlee and Jalan Sultan Ismail, Nouvo is one of the most popular dance clubs in KL. The sexily architectured building is a landmark by itself right in the middle of the Golden Triangle’s busiest nightspot. Nouvo shares the same building with Sangria, a R&B/hiphop club. I ventured down there the night after the PPS Bash to check out the hot chicas the nightlife our nation’s capital has to offer.
Coincidentally there’s a party going on that night.

VIPs get to enter for free before 11pm. I got my free invite from Juice Magazine but I arrived 30 mins too late. That 30 mins proved to be costly as I had to pay RM30 to enter the club.
I was kinda loitering outside the club around a bit hoping some kind soul would bring me in for free. But heh, fat chance. I succumbed to the fact that the chances of being recognised was too slim and I paid my way in instead.

The inside of Nouvo is stylish, clean and elegant. Its very spacious. There’s chandeliers and disco balls and the number 3s (its Juice magazine’s 3rd anniversary) hanging from the ceiling.

The large dance floor area is located right in front of the DJ booth and comfy lounge chairs are scattered surrounding the dance floor and on the second floor. The setting reminded me very much of Metropolis Perth.
House Music and Drum ‘n Bass seem to be the musical theme for the night.

I was disappointed to see that the club was quite empty. Its probably only 40% full. There’s no one dancing. People there just seem content enough to huddle around the bars, beer in hand, staring at an empty dance floor. Geez, what’s wrong with you people?

It looks like all the action was in the VVIP room on the second floor. That’s where all the friends and employees of Juice magazine were congregating. I didn’t know if I was allowed inside the VVIP room or not, but I walked past the bouncers confidently nonetheless and helped myself to some cakes and free drinks. 🙂 believes in the principle that if you’re not invited to an event, you can always invite yourself.

I was happily working my camera away when I heard someone yelled “KENNY! OMG ITS KENNY! KENNY SIA IS HERE!” very excitedly.
Seems like someone do recognise me after all. (Damn, I’ve already paid my RM30)

This is Azhar. He reads Hi Azhar!
A friend of his helped me take this photo. Later he passed my camera to Azhar, then uttered the most ridiculous line I’ve ever heard. “Aiya I dunno who you are lah, but you look like a celebrity anyway so I’ll take a photo with you lah.”

Gee, thanks.

KL girls in the club were game enough to pose for my camera. Some of them even fingered me and asked me to take photos of them. I wasn’t even using a huge professional SLR or anything like that, just a standard digicam.
These girls probably think they’re gonna end up in Juice mag. Too bad they just ended up on crappy Sorry!

There’s something odd about this picture.
1. What’s a Muslim lady doing in a dance club? Correct me if I’m wrong, but I thought it’s haram for Muslims to work in entertainment outlets? (I’m asking a question, not condemning the act lah ok?)
2. Sweeping away rubbish while a party was still in progress? That’s like rearranging the deckchairs on the Titanic.
As the night dragged on, only the Juice people (Juicy people?) were left in an almost empty club. Finally there were people on the dance floor. A short unedited video clip of the night can be downloaded here (Quicktime MOV, 9MB).
Some decided to do away with the glasses and took drinking to a whole new level.

And some were clearly not up for it.

Carlsberg – 1       Man – 0

The DJ played Akon’s Mr Lonely at 3am to let people know the club was shutting down. I don’t know why they played Mr Lonely. Probably its to tell us that the lucky guys had already left with the girls, and the guys remaning in the club are all Mr Lonely.

All your ladies are belong to Darth Vader.

To their credit, the DJ was good and the music playing that night was excellent, but I didn’t feel like I enjoyed myself that night. The energy from the crowd just wasn’t there. Perhaps it was a Friday night. Perhaps everyone had gone to either Zouk or Bangsar or Hartamas for their clubbing needs. Whatever it was I doubt I’ll be heading back to Nouvo anytime soon.
Where’s the hot nightspot in KL?

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Toni & Guy Hairdressing Review

This is a very old entry from my trip to KL once upon a time in a land far, far away.

Toni&Guy is a London-based hairdressing chain with salons scattered all over the world. Their Malaysian franchise is located on the second floor of the hip-n-chic Lot 10 shopping center, right in the heart of Kuala Lumpur’s famous Bukit Bintang shopping district.

I was about to meet a whole bunch of strangers at the PPS 2nd Anniversary Bash later that day and I desperately needed a haircut. There’s gonna be girls and media presence at the event, so a man’s gotta look his best ya know?

Toni&Guy’s interior design is modern-looking but it isn’t particularly glamourous. The floor space is kinda small. There’s probably around 6-7 seats available, but only 2 actual hairstylists were working. On display at the shopfront are various products from TIGI Bedhead and L’Oreal. Because they’re worth it. 🙂

I was quoted a price of RM60 – RM120 for a regular stylist, and RM160 – RM220 for a senior stylist. But since no regular stylists are available I was able to get a senior stylist to do my hair for the price of a regular one.
Here’s a shot of me before my haircut.

I entered the shop around 6:30pm. I was told a typical hair-cut-and-wash usually takes around 45 minutes, so by my estimation I should have enough time to travel from Bukit Bintang to Dataran Mederka to attend the PPS Bash at 7:30pm.
The seat was made of faux leather so its nice and comfy albeit a little warm. I was offered a choice of drinks and I asked for iced-water.

It didn’t take long for one of their junior hairstylists to lead me to the back for some shampoo and massage action. I was secretly hoping its a girl who’s gonna do that for me, but kanasai lah – its a guy. I wanted to request for a girl, but even the girl looks like a guy.
In the end, no difference also lah. I accepted my fate loh.

I rate massages at hair salons into three grades.
(A) “Good.”
(B) “Average.”
(C) “Oi, your first day at work ah?!”
For a premium hair salon, its unfortunate I have to rate Toni&Guy a ‘C’ in the massage department. The massage was a total joke.

He started yawning after he finished with me.

It was weak, unenergetic and ended way too prematurely. Perhaps its because I’m used to ones lasting more than 20 minutes. But man, I say that guy probably lasted 5 minutes max. It felt as if the only reason he went at me was because its his job, not because he really wanted to do it. The whole thing is a wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am affair. I wasn’t even properly satisfied. I was so disappointed I couldn’t have more.
Yes, I’m still talking about the head massage lah!

This is my senior hair-stylist for the day, Tosha Tan. This is actually the first time I hear the name Tosha (sounds like short for ‘Toshiba’). The guy who did my hair at Alan Salon was called McPhee.
What is it with hairstylists and unusual English names? Whatever happened to John, or Michael?
Anyway, I was asked how I’d like to have my hair done. I wanted him to come up with a suitable hairstyle for me so I answered “Do whatever you want. Be creative.”

I just hope Tosha don’t shave my head and put tattoo on it.

Tosha was servicing another patron in the salon at the same time, so he had to switch between my head and her head every now and then.
Overall, I think Tosha came across as someone who knows his shit right down to its texture and colour. He is very patient and he definitely has an eye for detail. My only small complaint is that he’s… just…. way…. too….. slllooooowwwwwwww.

I was already late for the PPS Bash, but the guy was only halfway done. I didn’t want to rush him of course. Remember, rushing your hairstylist is always a bad idea.

The junior hairstylist emerged again to lead me to the back for another round of shampoo and a half-arsed massage.
Look at his face you also know he wasn’t too happy about having to perform twice in one night. Poor dude.

Tosha finished the job by applying clay on my head for that spiky matte effect. He used L’Oreal A-Head Clay, which costs around RM50 for a small 50ml tub. Expensive stuff right there.
It feels good to see my hair standing proud and erect. Too bad it goes limp very quickly everytime I sweat underneath this hot and humid Malaysian weather.

I left Toni&Guy VERY late for my appointment, TOTALLY unsatisified with the massage, and a MASSIVE RM100 poorer. That was definitely the most expensive haircut I’ve ever had in my entire life, but I think its worth it. After all, I did leave with a head I can be proud of.
Its expensive, but I actually like this hairdo a lot better than the one I had at Alan Salon. Maybe I’m just not a fringe person.

So what do you think? (My hair lah, not FireAngel, ok? I know she’s so bloody hot and everybody wants her, but too bad I cannot link her. I accept bribes though.)

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KLCC Premier Paid Toilets Review

I heard about the Premier Paid Toilets in Suria KLCC for so long now I simply had to check it out when I was in KL last week. Honestly, how many people would pay RM2.00 to use the toilets, when for the same price they could buy:
a) a bowl of Kuching kolo mee
b) two sticks of lok-lok by the roadside
c) a pack of condom

Leave it up to the Management of KLCC to stay true to their word when they said “Always Something New”. The Premier toilets are located on Level 1 where all the designer boutique shops like Dunhill and Cartier are located. Obviously its meant to attract those atas shopper who treat money like water.
Since I’m always up for trying something new, I parted RM2 to the bored-looking lady sitting by the same old crappy counter at the entrance, and she gave me a pack of wet towel in return.

The poor man in the background didn’t know I took a photo of him happily scratching his butt

This is my pack of ‘Freshening’ wet towel. It is made in Japan. It is just like any other pack of wet towels you can find in Chinese restaurants.
In fact, the so-called Premier toilet look just like any other ‘nice’ toilets I can find in 5-star hotels or shopping malls. Suddenly, I felt as if I was cheated out of my RM2. Cheebye.
The only thing that caught my attention there was this clean-cut handsome guy wearing a formal attire, looking sharp as if he’s about to attend some important conference with Mahathir, Badawi and Co.

Except he was squatting down there cleaning the toilet floor.

I think that’s the second most unusual thing I’ve ever seen in a toilet. The first is some crazy dude taking photos inside a male toilet.

This is the urinal! It looks just like any other urinal!

Unfazed, I proceeded to do my business.
Its drier and cleaner than usual, but there’s really nothing special about this particular bowl of urinal. Now I’m really starting to regret parting ways with my RM2. For the price I’m paying, they should at least get someone to unzip my pants or something.

This is the basin area. Its probably the most tastefully decorated part of the entire ‘Premier’ toilet. The erotic red flowers, romantic bowl of potpourri and the sensual slow-burning candles make this an ideal place to have sex.
Except this is a male toilet. That sucks.
No pun intended.

Here’s a closer look at the range of Body Shop products available for use.
There’s the Bilberry Leave-In Detangler. The Vitamin E Face Mist. The Oceanus Body Mist. The Oceanus Body Lotion. The Oceanus

Stupid Body Shop. The first time I heard of the name Body Shop I was thinking to myself, “The Body Shop? What the hell do they sell? Bodies?”

This is the Bilberry (aka Blueberry) Leave-In Detangler for the hair. It supposedly helps you to relieve knotty, tangled hair and the bilberry extract will leave your hair “shiny, soft, healthy and tangle-free”.
Sounds good. I always have a problem with tangled hair.
I’m sure as hell not talking about the hair on top of my head.

I give my head a few spray of the product. Other than making my hair smell like blueberries, it doesn’t do my hair any shit. (No pun intended)
I left the KLCC Premier Paid Toilet wondering why I even bothered wasting my money on this uninspiring trip to the loo. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to feel some sort of achievement or something.
I’ve seen it once out of curiousty and I don’t think I’ll be going back there again. I don’t think anyone would. So I reckon the KLCC Management should consider changing their advertisement into something a bit more eye-catching.
Maybe something like this.

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SEDC Lifestyle Plus Privilege Card Review

Its done.
Flights, booked. Room, booked. Dinner, booked. Malaysia’s Biggest Blogger Meet-up since the creation of PPS, here I come baby.
I’m really looking forward to this trip. I don’t know what I was thinking making this a 5 day trip because that’s a little too long even by KL’s standards. I actually contemplated taking a coach up north to Penang or down south to Singapore for a little visit. But I’m not sure yet. I’ll see how things go.
I’ll be staying at the Dorsett Regency Hotel compliments of the SEDC Lifestyle Plus cards, which is the subject of my review today. I could have saved up the vouchers and share a hotel room with HB, another blogger from Kuching also attending the meet-up. But the last time I talked to him on mirc, he flattered me with so much praises I got scared and wore double underwear when I met up with him (jk). 🙂 Guess I’m a little more comfortable staying alone.
SEDC stands for Sarawak Economic Development Corporation. Its a state garblement-owned commercial entity that has a hand in the state’s tourism industry. Their Lifestyle Plus privilege card is a program designed for simple Average Joes, like me, to sample the lifestyle of the rich and famous Atas Club (elitist) people, like those Datuks whose name will turn into road signs within the next ten years.
I want to ask you to go to SEDC’s website, but its filled with so much out-of-date content, broken links, bad sound effects and UGLY animated GIFs I decide to save you the horror. The funny thing is, that website was voted one of Malaysia’s Top 20 Best Government Websites, as shown by that cute little award they proudly display on their front page.

Note to SEDC’s website designer: Take gun. Point to self. Pull trigger. Kapish?

That just goes to show how low their standards are.
Anyway I got to know about the Lifestyle Plus Cards when one of their telemarketers mysteriously got my phone number and phoned me twice to pester me into joining their program. I was having lunch with my workmates when they called. One word to describe our conversation: annoying. He spoke so damn fast I could only capture 20% of what he’s saying. It went a little like this.

Annoying Telemarketer: “hello mr sia this is SEDC calling i’d like to invite you to join our lifestyle plus card program it is very good you can stay two free nights at holiday inn kuching got discount at damai beach resort can go there play golf see bird go swimming then got free dinner at five star restaurants at crowne plaza and holiday inn wah very nice and then i give you two free nights staying at nice hotel when you go kl and on your birthday we give you cake ok what is your credit card number?”
Confused Kenny: “Hold it, hold it, hold it. What’s going on here? How much is this? What do you want my credit card number for?”
Annoying Telemarketer: “Mr Sia its only RM538. It is very good deal. You use up your free hotel room vouchers you can get your money back already! What is your credit card number?”
Confused Kenny: “Yes I know but I’m not gonna commit to something like this over the phone so quickly. I want to read the terms and conditions first. Do you have an internet website, or a brochure that I can look at?”
Annoying Telemarketer: “No sorry sir, this is a telephone only deal. If you call us back you won’t get this sort of package anymore. So can I have your credit card number?”

I was skeptical about this. But after enquiring the names of the complimentary hotels in KL and them convincing me that it is no scam, I too thought that it was a pretty good deal and proceeded with the transaction.
Fast forward three days later, I was sent the membership package by courier mail. COURIER MAIL LEH! None of those Pos Malaysia bullshit. Man, I feel ‘atas’ already.
Since none of these information is available on the internet, here’s a brief summary of the benefits Lifestyle Plus members get to enjoy.

* 1x 1-night accomodation at Kuching Holiday Inn/Crowne Plaza. Normally RM200. (no use to me)
* 2x 75% off 2-night accomodation in Damai Beach/Damai Lagoon. Normally RM150. But its not valid Friday and Saturday. KNNCCB then how to use? (no use to me)
* 2x 1-night accomodation at either Dorsett Regency KL, Royale Bintang KL, Eastin Hotel PJ, Sheraton Hotel Penang, Century Mahkota Malacca or City Bayview Langkawi. Normally RM200. (most useful)
* 40% to 60% off rack rates of the above hotels plus Pacific Regency KL, Avillion Hotel PD, Lake House Cameron Highlands and Promenade Hotel KK.
* 2x buffet dinner for two at one of Crown Plaza’s 5 star restaurants.
* 2x 50% discount on a la carte menu at one of Holiday Inn’s restaurants.
* 10% discount at Coffee Bean, Kenny Rogers and some other ‘atas’ restaurants and cafes around Kuching.
* And finally, one bloody cake for you on your birthday.

Not exactly all that attractive for something that made me RM538 poorer. Its a good initiative by SEDC but I think they could do better. To their credit, their customer service is prompt and fantastic. That’s coming from me considering I had a run-in with bad customer service at other garblement-run entities.
In my books, the only thing that made the Lifestyle Plus card worthy is the two night accomodation at Dorsett Regency. And the birthday cake. Yeah baby.
Everything else is not worth the money.
See you guys at the PPS party. I can’t wait. Its gonna be bigger than my coconuts. 😉

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Wax Hand Union Review

Making a wax model of your own hand seems like the newest money-wasting fad in town.

Good to see. Nice to hold. Totally useless like an asshole.

I spotted one these Wax Hand Union kiosks in Tun Jugah Shopping Centre a few months back. Since then, a couple more of these kiosks mushroomed all over town, usually manned by bored-looking Ah Bengs napping in their seats.
As is the case with every other fad franchising business, these kiosks eventually lose money, close down, and slowly disappear one by one.
Out of curiousity, I got a wax model of my hand done a long long time ago. Naturally, I chose the most appropriate hand gesture that came to mind.



That was around two months back. I kinda left the wax model in the cupboard and forgotten all about it. The recent spate of childish attack comments on my site suddenly reminded me that I had this ‘secret counter weapon’ hidden away.
Unfortunately when I dug it out of its box, I found this instead.


Damn. There’s nothing more frustrating than a body part turning flaccid when you needed it most.
So anyway, I was at Tun Jugah yesterday shopping for some business shirts at G2000 when I impulsively decided to get another wax hand model done.
The girl at the counter quoted me the price of RM10 for a single hollow hand wax, an additional RM5 for a base, and another RM15 if I were to make it solid.

Exhibit A: A typical money-losing business.

I was tempted to pay RM30 to go for the full package considering my middle-finger wax model had collapsed earlier. But then I thought RM30 for crappy wad of wax isn’t worth it. She however, convinced me to go for a hollow model and if it were to collapse, she’ll do me a solid one for another RM15. I agreed.

Ice Ice Baby.

I opted to do a wax model of my half-clenched fist.
The girl first immersed my hand into a container of ice-cold water. This is to numb my hand sufficiently for the hot wax later, but I think she overdid it. The water was so cold I almost went into hypothermia.

Feelin’ Hot Hot Hot!

And here’s my hand dipped into hot wax. I always thought ‘dipping my hand into hot wax’ sounded kinda kinky. Not this time.
She dipped my hand into cold water and hot wax alternately for a couple of times until a layer of wax forms on the surface. Its a little painful to have my ice-cold hand immersed into hot wax immediately. My half-clenched fist contracted involuntarily which means the end result probably wouldn’t be what I wanted.

From this angle, it looked like I was tweaking her nipple but I swear its not like that.

Finally a thick layer of wax has formed tightly on my hand. The girl umm…. gave me a hand by peeling my shaped wax off. It felt bizarrely good. The sensation is like removing a tight sweaty hand glove on a hot day. I was lucky the hair on my hand didn’t go with it.
All that’s left to do is touch up on the model…

The HAND model, not the GIRL model!

Dip it into some coloured wax…

Choose between red, blue or yellow!

Attach it to the base…

Yes I chose a heart-shaped base. Don’t ask. They don’t have much choice.


My very own wax hand model!

Brilliant, eh?
So, the next big question is then… what the foot am I gonna use this for?
Well my friends. Surprisingly, there are many ways an additional hand can come in err… handy.
For example, you can use it to act like you’re in shock.
Put in on your desk and show people how much bling-bling you’ve got.
And err… I leave it up to your imagination here. 😉
Anyone have any other suggestions?

Inspiration Alan Salon Review

Alan Salon
Inspiration Alan Salon is arguably the largest hair salon chain in Sarawak. The founder and lead hairstylist Alan Ch’ng first started operations in Miri and, over the next 15 years, opened up 7 outlets in Sarawak and 1 in KL, teaching many up-and-coming hairdressers and earning multiple awards himself in the process.
Alan Salon

Apart from hair salons, Alan also runs two restaurants in Miri, serving specialty dishes such as Roasted Pony Tails, Steamed Braided Buns and Curly Fried Hair.

Alan’s base in Kuching is located at Hock Lee Centre. Prominently displayed at its entrance is a collage of photos featuring Alan’s appearances at various hairshows, as well as photos of him doing the hair of Miss World contestants from a while back. (Gee, I sometimes wish I were doing those Miss World contestants as well.) With such impressive portfolio, I couldn’t help but to entrust them in fixing up the same ol’ hairstyle I’ve been wearing for the past 22 years.

Looks more like a department store than a hair salon

The salon’s interior design is enough to make you feel like a superstar walking into your very own dressing room. They make really good use of colours, lighting and choice of furniture to create that fantastic star-like atmosphere. The place not only looks great but it smells great too. A lot of el-cheapo hair salons out there tend to stink worse than toilets. Not Alan’s.

Why are LCD Monitors required in a hairdressing place? I have no idea.

In the center of the salon is the Color Bar. I pretty sure that has something to do with cashing in on the youth’s penchant to change their hair colour these days.
LCD monitors are everywhere in the salon, some broadcasting MTV and others showcasing slides of the latest products by L’Oreal. Because you’re worth it. 🙂

God knows what service they have for an extra RM20 in their VIP Room

By Kuching’s standards, Alan’s prices is definitely the dearest I’ve seen thus far. I think its still reasonable because you do pay premium prices for premium services, and Alan Salon sure looks like they can deliver premium services.

Who’s that weirdo carrying a digital camera around everywhere he goes?

This is me before my haircut. Scruffy, haggard and unshaven.
Everytime I go to hair salons, I’d opt for a Cut & Wash and there’s a reason for that. After a hard week at work and barely getting enough sleep at home, there’s nothing more satisfying than having your hair washed and pampered by a seasoned professional.
See, usually when you get your hair washed, the hair salon throws in a complimentary a head, neck and shoulders massage as well – and that’s exactly what I’m after. Its true, getting your (upper) head massaged at the hair salon by some sweet young pretty sexy girl is the closest thing you can have to an affair, without actually committing adultery yourself!
Thank God for hair salons! I couldn’t wait. 🙂

What the foot?! Don’t they know that is a no-no to have a guy massaging another guy’s head?! Yalah yalah, I know I’m lucky because at least he’s massaging my upper head and not my lower head. BUT STILL! This is BLASPHEMY!
You know what the freakiest thing is?
He had the audacity to ask me, “So how? Is it hard enough for you?”
I almost ran away with shampoo still on my head.

Why does it seem like he’s enjoying the massage more than I am?

To his credit, his massage was good. I’m not saying I enjoyed it. But its good lah ok? Got power.
I’ve seen people rate restaurants and movies etc like they rate hotels – ie, they give them how many stars out of 5 stars. I’m tempted to use the same rating system for the massage. But then I thought, it shouldn’t have to be that complicated. In my opinion, a massage could only be rated into 3 grades:
(A) “Good.”
(B) “Average.”
(C) “Oi, you first day at work ah?!”
In this case, I’d say “Good.” But since they used a guy instead of a girl, I shall demote them to “Average.” Because they’re worth it.
Dimly lit

He said he wanted to ‘plug me’ into the Matrix

So after the shampoo I was led to a dimly lit room under the guise of “rinsing my hair”.
Its partitioned. No one could see us. There’s a place for me to lie down. And then it was just me, and him. I was scared. I should have worn double underwear.
Towel head

I survived the ordeal. My asshole is still a virgin.

Amazingly I turned out unharmed.
I noticed there’s a menu on my table. Apparently Alan Salon serves drinks and snacks to their customers as well. I reckon that’s a nice touch. All the items are reasonably priced. Their café latté for example costs merely RM3. I hadn’t had my caffiene fix for the day so I ordered a latté without hesitation.

Hairstylists must be paid really little. Why else do they look so skinny?

My appointed hairstylist is a professional called McPhee Vu. I was asked if I just wanted a straight haircut. Normally I’d say yes, but considering I’m paying so much for a premium hair cut, I replied “No lah. Feel free to do whatever you want to do with my hair. Be creative.”
As soon as I uttered those words, I looked at some of the hairstyles the staff there are sporting. And I regretted almost immediately.

George Michael’s long lost son sighted in Kuching

SHIT! If he made me look like that THEN HOW?!
Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, the café latté I ordered was served. And I could not believe my eyes.

Worst. Coffee. Ever.

Excuse me… What is a plastic spoon and a straw doing in my hot coffee? Why is my coffee lukewarm? Why is it served on a juice glass? You think I’m ordering ‘oleng juice’ is it?! I’m sorry but this is the sorriest excuse for a latté ever!
Goddammit if you don’t know what a café latté is, don’t put it on your menu. Its like going to a restaurant to eat Peking Duck and they serve you KFC instead. DOUBLE BLASPHEMY!!!

I had no idea what McPhee had up his sleeves.

Its a scary feeling having a haircut with absolutely no idea what I might end up looking like. My hair was at his mercy. Fifteen minutes later McPhee came up with a spiky hairdo – a drastically different hairstyle than the one I’m used to.
I’m not sure if I like it. I’m not even sure if I can get used to it. Its gonna feel odd not needing to comb my hair when I wake up in the morning.

Why do I always seem to have more hair after a haircut?!

Here’s a comparison of the old Kenny versus the new Kenny.
I honestly don’t know what to make of this new hairdo. On one hand I’m comfortable with my old hair, but on the other hand I wanted to try something new.
I reckon the new hairstyle looks funky. Too bad it also makes me look like a lala-zhai who spends 16 hours a day in arcade gaming centres. All I gotta do is dye my hair bright blond, wear a my shirt unbuttoned halfway, install some shiny silver accessories on me and I’d be well on my way to lalazhai-dom.

“KNN! CCB! What?! See what see?! Wanna fight ar!?”

What do you think?

“Si Qian Jin” (4 Little Golden Princess) VCD Review

When I was in Sibu, I saw this.
Sibu video
When I got back to Kuching, I saw this.
Kuching video
So, I did what any man would do under such proliferate advertising, and I bought this.
CD Cover
Which shall be our subject of review today.
Oh come on, don’t tell me you didn’t think this day is gonna come. I’ve been waiting to review this CD ever since the day I got back to Malaysia. *evil smirk*
So I inserted the VCD into the player, and then the horror began.
Popping out


Shit. There are SO many things wrong with this music video I don’t even know where to start.
Perhaps an introduction.
For those fortunate enough to never have endured the relentless assaults of these girls’ shrieking voices during Chinese New Years in Malaysia, consider yourself lucky. The name of the band is Si Qian Jin (‘Si’ = Four, ‘Qian Jin’ = Princess). Their official name in English is Four Little Golden Princess as shown on the CD sleeve. Nevermind the fact that ‘princess’ should be plural, because in this country its important to teach children bad Engrish.
Back CD Cover
Their latest release is a CD+VCD combo album called Dong Pin Xi Cou, which implies some sort of musical East Meets West thing. Unsurprisingly, all the tracks are remixes of Chinese and English oldies like “Mamma Mia”, and “Jambalaya”.
Si Qian Jin is a girl group made up of four prepubescent teenage chio bus who called themselves Hong-er, Jun-er, Kai-er and Ming-er.
I think they’re missing Fuck-er.
Thick Makeup
I assume these girls are teenagers. To be honest, I couldn’t really tell their age since their faces are always buried underneath thick crappy makeup. Excuse me, but you DO NOT put heavy eyeliners and thick foundations on 15 year olds and expect them to look pretty. Heavy make ups are reserved for drag queens and prostitutes, so unless you’re trying to market these girls as prostitutes, goddammit please EASE UP on the MAKE UP!
Bad clothing
And then there’s the clothes. WHAT THE FISH were they thinking dressing up in clothes like that?! That’s just wrong, man, so so so wrong. I can understand they’re trying to look cute and all, but… mini polka-dotted skirts with three-quarter LEOTARDS? Makes me wonder if they trying to sell this video to the torture chamber in Abu Ghraib or something.
Alright, so you said “Aiyo Kenny you so bad. Its not their fault they dressed up like that watttttt!”. Ok ok ok ok fineeee. Then whoever made them dress up like that deserves to have his penis made into pretzels. To have four innocent children dressing up in clothes like that is not just a crime against fashion, its friggin’ CHILD ABUSE!
Actually, I think they look like Teletubbies.
Heh. Uncanny!

Then there were the dances, or rather the lack thereof.

That’s not dancing. That’s four colourful coconut trees singing.

These girls move like robots. I’ve seen trees swaying outside my house that’s more entertaining than that. The funny thing is that these girls can sway continuously for the entire video and never get sick of it. I think their producers probably told them that if they ever stop swaying like a clock, their watch wouldn’t move forward.
The entire music video focuses on these four girls parading around happily. Perhaps a little too happy. Over-enthusiasticly happy. So happy in fact, I’m starting to suspect “recreational substance” blog may have something to do with the production of this video.

Si Qian Jin supports gays and lesbians in Malaysia

If dressing up in matching bright-coloured clothes like that doesn’t induce vomit, I tell you what will: 8-year-olds in thick make ups trying to act cute.
Act Cute
What the fork are you trying to imitiate, a RETARD? ‘cos if you are, then congratulations, you’re successful in annoying the hell out of me. Now go back to the mental hospital.

Man, I can’t believe I spent the past one hour reviewing this crappy VCD. What a total waste.
To save time, I’m just going to write my conclusion to this review right away.



Thank you for reading.

If you happen to be a fan of this particular girl band and think that my review is harsh. I’m sorry. Sorry that your taste in music is that bad. I’ve got nothing personal against Hung-er Jun-er Kai-er Ming-er and Fuck-er because they’ve never did me any to me (other than unleashing their weapons of mass destruction on me every Chinese New Year).
To their credit, they do have great voices that’s sweet, crisp and naturally melodic. But you know what, there’s only so much ‘ji-ge-long-tong-chiang-dong-chiang’, coconut-tree-like dance moves and overenthusiastic fake smiles a man can take before he goes berserk. I reckon they should do themselves and ourselves a favour, dump their record company and give us a chance to breathe.