Tag: kuching

Kuching Also Got Handphone Sex Scandal

Word over in Singapore is that a 17-year-old girl named Tammy recorded a video of her having sex with her boyfriend on a handphone.

Damn Ultraman toy in the background gets to see all the action.

As fate would have it, Tammy’s handphone was stolen one fine day and *SHOCK* *HORROR* the 10-minute video of the couple doing the nip-nip-wiggy-wiggy broke out to the hamsap ah peks all over the world through the evil reaches of the Internet.

Overnight, this pretty Nanyang Polytechnic (NYP) cheerleader found herself in a uhhh… compromising position (hehehe) as the latest Internet XXX star with her brand new stage name “Tammy NYP”.
When Nokia build cameras into their handphones, I bet they never intend it to be for this purpose.

Come to think of it, she might as well make use of her new found fame to endorse her school.
As someone who has experience in internet sex scandals (hehe), I honestly pity the poor girl. Say all you want, you gotta admit that she does NOT deserve all this humiliation.
True, she may had a momentary lapse in judgment – everybody does at some point. But exposing the identity of the couple? Come on. The public execution shown on the forums just goes to show how disgusting the humankind is.
I read that even her school is thinking of expelling her to save them some “face”.
See, that’s the kind of thing I don’t understand.

Remember the Nude Squat incident a sometime back? By right, you’d think the police force is gonna kena. But instead the messenger was shot dead, the perpetrator walked away scot-free. “Standard Operating Procedure” they say.
Here, the Handphone Thief got away and Tammy the Victim kena instead. What the fuck right? Maybe next time you can steal an iPod and Steve Jobs will go to jail.
Someone explain to me what kind of logic this is.

Interestingly, something similar happened in sleepy ol’ Kuching around the same time.
At least over here we have the decency not to upload the video onto the Internet and expose the identity of the couple.

Kuching animals damn power, can use handphones to send MMS.

“Animals” aye? 😉
She must be watching the Discovery Channel instead.

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A Nation of Morons

I have a lot to say about the recent furore over the Prophet Mohammed cartoons which were published in a Danish paper and reprinted worldwide.

I have a lot MORE to say after the Sarawak Tribune, a major local newspaper had its license indefinitely suspended by the government for doing its job by reporting balanced, factual news.
I wrote an entry defending both sides, but I changed my mind and with a click of a button, deleted the said entry and banished my thoughts into the oblivion of my desktop Recycle Bin.
Yep. I decided that I’m not going to say anything about this issue at all.

See, I’ve learnt that by talking about anything remotely related to cultural and religious practices here isn’t gonna help achieve anything but bringing me threats, personal attacks and ISA detentions. And so, I censor myself and shut up. Because hey, it doesn’t matter what I think. What matters is what the big boys in Putrajaya and Bukit Aman think right?
It’s wonderful living in this country. You don’t need to have an opinion, you don’t need to think, you don’t need to speak. You just sit on your damn asses and follow the masses.
Like sheep we are.

I always find it ironic that I a lot more Malay friends and learnt so much about Islamic culture living in Australia than I ever did in my 15 years in Malaysia. I could misinterpreted Muslim customs from time and time, and they’re always nice enough to explain to me without the personal attacks.
We communicate, we compromise, we correct each other. From there, we learn.

You know what’s wrong with this country?
We’re ignorant. We don’t know each other well enough.
Some of us are NOT sensitive enough. Others are TOO sensitive to the point where even the slightest misunderstanding is an opportunity for them to cause an uproar, wreak havoc, and force the victim into career suicide.

If you say something that inadvertently offended a group of people because you’re not careful, EVEN IF THE INTENTION TO CAUSE HARM AND MALICE IS NOT THERE, you’ll be shamed, locked up in jail or violently put away.
That’s the problem with this country. We’re too sensitive, too easily offended, too vindictive. We hardly look at things in context because we’re engrossed in teaching other people a lesson. There’s NO exchange of ideas, NO chance to learn, NO opportunity for compromise. Sometimes you don’t even know what hit you.
You have a mouth, but you can’t speak. The only time you can speak, is when people want you to duck their sicks. If you want to use your mouth for purposes other than ducking sicks, shut up.

We shut up because we don’t wanna offend. We don’t talk about these issues because it’s “sensitive”. And because we don’t communicate, we don’t know. And because we don’t know, over time we become even MORE stupid. This in turn make us even MORE afraid to communicate, which makes us even MORE stupid.
It’s a vicious cycle that’s gonna continue, until the day we become a nation of morons.

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Kuching Parking 101

Us Kuching drivers are really one of a kind.

See, most of us who drive on the road have a proper and legal driver’s license (I hope). Thats mean we must at least pass our theory exams on road signs, road rules and stuff right? You know, the one that says “green means go, red means stop” and so on.
I tell you hor, all these theory exams, we did it for fun only. Actually nobody use one. Bullshit only. Everyone else test their students before giving them their driving license, that’s why we do it also. Must act act a bit make it look real like that mah. Cannot just anyhow give out licenses like giving out APs. What, you think our government is Salvation Army ah?

The reality is, here in Kuching we have like, a completey different set of driving rules. Rules that apply elsewhere doesn’t always apply here.
We Kuching people, we love to be different. That’s why when you come down from our airport, the first thing you see is our state motto: “Sarawak – A Place Like No Other”.
That’s referring to our driving rules.
You know how everywhere else, traffic light green means go, orange means slow, red means stop? Over here, traffic light green means go slow like snail, orange means go slightly faster, red light means go full speed ahead – chiong ahhh!!!

But that’s nothing. You should see the way we park our cars, even more terror. This is Kuching Parking 101, proudly brought to you by kennysia.com.

Rule #1: Designated parking bays

This is important when you’re parking small cars like the Kancil or Kenari, to always stick out one of your wheels out. See, because your car is puny and insignificant, people won’t normally notice you. Your moral duty is to annoy them by parking your car slightly over the line so the other person cannot take the bay next to you.
Of course, if you drive big cars like the Pajero and you’re feel rather tulan ‘cos this stupid Kenari had taken up two parking bays, you can always do this.

Rule #2: Yellow lines.

Because it is such a chore to walk 5 steps from the parking bay, you can always park on the yellow lines right next to the shoplots to visit your favourite laksa stall.

Rule #3: Yellow boxes.

Feel free to park on our yellow boxes! See, yellow boxes are like just yellow lines, but with more lines and got nice nice cris cross pattern.
It means VIP parking.

Rule #4: Blue sign with red strike over it.

A common sight at the shoplots next to Sarawak Plaza, there’s always a row of cars parking next to this sign. This is like, Kuching’s international symbol for parking space. Other people use a big big “P”, we use this symbol.
Remember, Kuching people like to be different.

Rule #5: “Strictly No Parking”.

Just like how “Air” in Malay means “Water” when translated to English, the words “Strictly No Parking” is actually Malay. When translated to English, it means “You’re very welcome to park your car here eventhough you might block this entrance to our private car park because you are important and we love you”

Rule #6: The pedestrian walk.

If you have a 4WD, this is premium parking space reserved for you! Who cares about the pedestrians? They can always step on the busy main road to walk around your brand new 4WD if they like.
Damn those stupid pedestrians. Always causing trouble.

At this point, you must wonder. With all these people parking indescriptly at ‘alternative’ parking spaces, what happens to our normal parking bays?

Why, we use them to dry our noodles of course!

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Behind The Scenes At the mrbrown show Podcasts

Download: the mrbrown show Podcast: “Causeway to Kuching” (MP3, 7.2MB, 20m48s)
Topics: Zouk, Kuching clubbing scene, tetno music, origin of Kuching’s name, “what do you call KL-ians?”, tallest building in Kuching, “how do you guys know about Kuching?”, Singapore children now getting taller, Azahari the bomb expert, Miyagi’s army stories from Australia, someone shat on the road, Kuching Kangaroo, Zouk’s water tap.
Subscribe: the mrbrownshow XML feed
Video: Behind The Scenes at “the mrbrown show”

Podcasting is set to revolutionise FM radio the same way MP3 technology revolutionised the music industry. Ever since I acquired the iPod nano, I find myself literally hooked on podcasts and have more or less stopped listening to local radio stations altogether.
I always wonder what goes on behind the scenes at the mrbrown show podcasts. On my last trip to Singapore I was lucky enough to not just appear on the show, but to have the man himself explain to me what went on behind recording and publishing your very own internet radio show.

Equipment-wise, the bare minimum you require is a microphone connected to your computer. But Mr Brown is a bit gung-ho about sound quality, so he made some significant investments acquiring two ice cream cone-like microphones (with stands), a DJ-like set of headphones, a flynet-like pop-guard and a mixer deck that looks like it’s gonna explode if I chin chai press any button on it.

Writeboard – the online collaborative software used to prepare for the mrbrown show podcasts.

Surprisingly, very little work went on behind preparing for the show. Comedy skits like the Zhng My Car series require a bit more work though. For Zhng My Car, Brown and Miyagi would collaborate over Writeboard, where the gist of the script took shape and they can review it individually at work or at home without meeting up face-to-face.
In most cases, Brown and Miyagi simply get together and brainstorm for a few topics an hour before actual recording. Brainstorming was full of laughter and stupid jokes with those two around (check out the video link at the end of this entry). Almost all their shows were done in one take with very little editing effort going into post-production.

For sound-recording and post-editing, Brown uses Apple Garageband on his iMac G4. Any other sound recording software should work just as fine though.
I was nervous as hell throughout the recording, fumbling my lines in more ways than one. Brown was reassuring to me, “Don’t worryyy! If you mess up we will help you out one!”
To him, doing an internet radio show is almost his second nature. In fact, as you will see in the video later, the only time he fumbled was when he did the intro and outro of the show.
After recording, all that’s left to be done is save the MP3 file, upload it, then publish it on the World Wide Web.

Podcasting is not my niche, but I sure had lots of fun recording the mrbrown show (perhaps more fun than the audience who listened to the podcasts). I totally enjoyed myself and I’m sure they did too.
Thanks again, Brown and Miyagi, for inviting me onto the show!
Download: the mrbrown show Podcast: “Causeway to Kuching” (MP3, 7.2MB, 20m48s)

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Smell My Car Zhng

Download the mrbrown show Podcast (guest-starring Kenny Sia):
“Zhng My Car – Part 2”
(MP3, 6.9MB, 19m48s)
I’m a big fan of the mrbrown show.
In case you’ve been living under the rock, Mr Brown is one of Singaporean blogosphere’s most influential persona. It was actually him who first introduced kennysia.com to the Singaporean audience after ‘brown-ing’ one of my earlier posts. The mrbrown show is of course, a highly entertaining internet audio show hosted by Mr Brown and Mr Miyagi.
One of their comedy skits titled “Zhng My Car” received over 40,000 downloads recently, officially making Brown and Miyagi the most boh-liao people coming out of Singapore since Jack Neo and Moses Lim.
So anyway, I touched down Singapore yesterday morning and Brown sent me a message telling me they’ll be recording the sequel to “Zhng My Car” that evening. I was excited of course. I didn’t want to miss the chance appearing on his show, so I pleaded with Brown to give me just a small two-liner cameo role in his skit.
But Brown Cow had better plans. And it wasn’t until I arrived at the “studio” at Miyagi’s pad that I realised he didn’t just want me to do CAMEO. He wanted me to GUEST STAR the entire Zhng My Car show instead! WAH LIEW!
I didn’t even know what to say! Brown and Miyagi are seasoned veterans of the show so they had little trouble getting into character quickly. Me? I sound worse than Michael Jackson on helium.
With only a few minutes to prepare, I was told the gist of the show, wrote down some key lines to say, and then improvise with the rest. In fact, everything you hear in that episode was done in one take. That’s why you can hear me stutter, speak too fast and majorly screw up my lines like only I can.
Recording the podcast was damn nervewrecking experience but it sure was helluva lot of fun. Watch out for me in the next episode of the mrbrown show, where we talked about my hometown Kuching.
Meanwhile if you haven’t yet already done so, download and listen to the original “Zhng My Car” episode. Then catch me joining Brown and Miyagi in the latest most newest episode of the mrbrown showDownload “Zhng My Car – PART TWO”

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mindfuck v.

  1. To mess with someone’s head until they are quite confused.
  2. An obscure type of porn where the penis is inserted into a hole drilled in someone’s skull.
  3. Actually there’s no 3. If you believe in 2, you’ve just been mindfucked.

This is Ericka. She’s this great girl I met last weekend.

Ericka is 26, attached, a research analyst, a Godfather fanatic, a cat lover, a Xiaxue and kennysia.com reader. At least that’s what I know is true about her.
Ericka is also the queen of cock-and-bull stories, like how when I first met her, she told me she’s 36 and her name wasn’t Ericka, but Julie. She also told me she has two kids, aged 10 and 6, both with Down’s syndrome. But she talk cock only, not true one.

Ericka is a feisty little girl with a bubbly personality and a great load of fun to hang out with. How exactly I got to know her has gotta be ranked up there as one of the most bizarre moments in my life.
(This is gonna be quite a long story, so go grab a cup of coffee and make yourself comfortable.)

It all started last Saturday night when I ventured out with David to Kuching’s newest drinking hole at the Travilion for Halloween. I did my stuff, drank myself silly, returned home at 3am and was about to call it a night when I got a phone call from HB, another blogger from Kuching.
HB: Kenny! Were you at MC3 just now?

Kenny: Eh, I was. How did you know?
HB: I was there too. My friends said that they saw you and you even took a picture of us!
Kenny: I did? I didn’t even know you were there. Where are you now?
HB: I’m at Miami!
Kenny: Where’s Miami? (Florida?)
HB: Miami is near Rainforest.
Kenny: Alright, I’ll head down there in a bit.
HB: Wait, wait… my friend wants to talk to you…
*HB passes the phone over to someone*

Unidentified Female Observer: Is this Kenny?
Kenny: Yeah it is.
UFO: Hi, my name is Julie. We were with HB at MC3 just now.
Kenny: Ya I know! I didn’t see you guys when I was there!
UFO: We’re at Miami now. Are you gonna come?
Kenny: Errr… It’s a bit late… but yea I’ll come.
Half an hour later I drove down to Miami (which was actually located opposite Hilton and not in Florida) to find John, Sebastian, HB and “Julie” sipping drinks in a quiet bar.

To be honest, I didn’t think much of “Julie” when I first saw her. I can see that she’s above average-looking. She just didn’t quite catch my attention. Maybe if she were someone I bumped into in the streets, I would turn my head to check her out but I’d easily forget about her 2 seconds later.
Besides, I was there to catch up with HB.
We didn’t talk much that night. Just some trivial stuff. The four of us left after only about 20 minutes and I thought no more about the evening.
Until the day after, when I got mindfucked by Ericka so much, I think my head is getting pregnant.

It was a lazy hungover Sunday afternoon. I was at Bing Coffee together with David and Ah Yang going through the finer details of the Detox Diet, when I got this phonecall from an unidentified 016 number.
Mindfucker: Hello may I speak to Kenny?
Kenny: Yah, that’s me.
Mindfucker: Uhmm… I’m calling to ask if you have a job opening?
Kenny: A job opening? Not that I know of. Who’s this? How did you get my number?
Mindfucker: Oh I got it from a friend. She said to look for you if I want to get a job.
Kenny: No no no… I won’t be the one responsible for filling vacancies. Look, why don’t you pass me a copy of your resume and I’ll see what I can do about it.
Mindfucker: Resume? No need resume lah. I want to be your personal assistant!
Kenny: Huh? But I don’t need a personal assistant!
Mindfucker: But I want!
Kenny: Alright then how would you like to ‘personally assist’ me?
Mindfucker: Do you know who I am?
Kenny: Who?
Mindfucker: I’m Julie.

Kenny: Julie? Julie from last night? Yeah I remember.
“Julie”: Listen, I wanted to apologise. We called you so late last night to ask you out and then when you came we all left just like that.
Kenny: Oh that? Nah, don’t worry about it. It’s no biggie.
“Julie”: You’re not pissed? I know I’d be pissed.
Kenny: Not at all. I’m fine. Really.
“Julie”: Heyyyy… I wanted to ask you something.
Kenny: Shoot.
“Julie”: What do you think of me?
Kenny: You? Err… I don’t know? I’ve only known you for like 15 minutes.
“Julie”: What’s your first impression of me?
Kenny: Well, I can see that you’re nice and friendly and approachable.
“Julie”: That’s all!?!
Kenny: Hey, that’s all I could tell in that 15 minutes of knowing you!
“Julie”: Would I be someone you’d bring out on a date?
Kenny: If I’m single, I’d bring you out on a date.
“Julie”: But you’re single in Kuching what!
“Julie”: !!!
“Julie”: Ok. What do you think of XiaXue?
Kenny: What?!
“Julie”: If you could choose between me or XiaXue, which one would you choose?
(Are you nuts?! You don’t ask people questions like that after knowing them for only 15 minutes.)

Kenny: Ummm… YOU?!
(Tip for guys: For the love of your own coconuts, if you’re ever asked questions like that by a girl, ALWAYS say you’ll choose her even if you had to lie through your teeth. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.)
Kenny: Yeah… !
“Julie”: What are you doing tonight?
Kenny: Tonight? No special plans leh.
“Julie”: Wanna go out or not?
Kenny: Err… sure.
“Julie”: Ok loh then I’ll give you a call later tonight.
The meetup later that night went quite well with the level of mindfucking kept to the minimum. But Ericka had already messed up my head pretty bad.

For some obscure reason, the telephone conversation we had kept playing up in my mind. I was thinking – she’s attached, she knows I’m attached, we got nothing to offer each other except a friendly platonic relationship. So what was that conversation all about?
Over the next few days, I woke up thinking about Ericka, I shat thinking about Ericka, I went to work thinking about Ericka and I went to bed thinking about Ericka. Not in the I-miss-her kinda way. More like who-the-heck-is-this-girl-and-what-the-hell-does-she-want-from-me kinda way.

Chupachups and Chivas never looked so good.

Maybe she just wanna be friends with the person behind the blog she reads. And in a way she achieved that. Truth to be told, if it weren’t for that phone conversation, I wouldn’t give two hoots about her. But she called, she got my attention and I’m actually glad things happened that way.
After that unusual initial meeting, I gradually got to know Ericka a little better over the course of the Hari Raya long weekend. We cleared things up. The personal assistant thing and the Xiaxue thing were obviously nothing more than talking cock.

John, Sebastian, myself, Ericka, and a ghost.

Surprisingly, she told me none of these were planned. It just so happened that John spotted me at the club that night, asked HB to call me over, who introduced me to Ericka, who just happened to be there. And all the silly things she said on the phone were just spontaneous reaction.
Ericka is just this naughty, playful and feisty personality who has a penchant for being overly friendly to everyone. But overall I still like her. She may say things that mess with people’s head. More often than not she does it without any malicious intent. So we’re close friends now, and it’s all cool.

My point is, the art of mindfucking seems to be permanently ingrained in women’s DNA. All women exudes that kind of charm and beauty most men find difficult to resist. They know it and some knows how to use it effectively as a weapon without coming across as slutty or sexual.
The trick seems to be mindfucking men into believing that they might have a shot at fucking the real thing.
I know girls use it on their boyfriends ALL THE TIME. They mindfucked you into buying her those Louis Vuitton handbags or that Ferragamo shoes, all the while subtly hinting that if you swiped your platinum credit card at the cashier counter you might get lucky tonight.
Too bad. Come bedtime, the only thing you’ll be fucking with is your left hand.
Girls are evil. And us guys are just suckers for that.

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Longer Than One Singapore Minute

As part of his contribution to the Singaporean National Day, patriotic mr brown started this meme called “One Singapore Minute”.
He’s asking his fellow countrymen to take a series of photos within a minute to show what their country means to them. All the photos are then collected and displayed here.
Since our National Day is also just around the corner, I wanted to start a “One Malaysian Minute” meme too. But thanks to the haze, I think all the photos from our KL bloggers are gonna turn like this.

Regardless, I contributed towards the “One Singapore Minute” meme. I know I’m not Singaporean and all that lah. Then again, Singapore’s LianHeZaoBao newspaper also said I’m Singaporean liaw, so I think I must be one.

From zbNow (LianHeZaoBao), 4th July 2005.

Here’s my photo set, taken at the New Asia Bar on the 70th floor of the Swissotel Stamford from my last trip to the city state. I have to confess – these shots were not taken under one minute. It should have been that way, but that tulan bartender took ten bloody minutes just to get my drink ready. My One Singapore Minute became my Ten Delayed Minutes.
kennysia's OSM #1
kennysia's OSM #2
kennysia's OSM #3
kennysia's OSM #4
Singapore Sling on top of Singapore City itself. Doesn’t get any more Singaporean than that. 🙂
Speaking of the lion city, what’s with almost every Singaporean I know heading over to Kuala Lumpur these few days? Why go KL? Got haze lah, go KL do shit? Come to Kuching lah.

The haze situation in KL is getting so bad even the garblement is declaring a state of emergency. The problem is, other than closing down all their offices, nobody seems to know what else to do under a state of emergency. The only thing the people there were told to do is this.
Everyone is waiting for the thick white smoke blanketing the nation’s capital to clear up and disappear. So the garblement and residents in KL are all praying for a miracle, praying for the wind, praying for the heavy rain to fall…

KANINA IT RAINED ICE INSTEAD! They must have prayed a little too hard liaw. Poor bastards.
Times like these, it feels so darn good to live in Kuching.

Blue skies, fresh air. Ahhh… bliss. 🙂

Shal Sagan

Shal Sagan is an independent music artist homegrown in Kuching, Sarawak.

I wrote about meeting her and her mate Brandon Juan at the Rainforest World Music Festival some time ago when JoyceTheFairy was in town. Prior to this I have heard of her though I never had the chance to listen to her music. Coincidentally, I bumped into them again at Bing the Coffee House last week. Brandon invited me to come to her gig on Sunday, so I figured why not.

For a 22-year-old, this fair-skinned beauty sure has accomplished a lot for herself. Shal Sagan has got some serious talent and I mean that in every sense of the word.
Get this – Shal doesn’t just sing. She wrote all her songs, composed all her songs, plays lead guitar, co-produced them, and on top of all that, started her own record label Shzogawa Records to distribute her music. And she did all these when she was just 21 years old.
When I was 21, I was still sitting in front of my computer play The Sims.

The gig was held at Somerset Gateway as part of a charity carnival. The bands performing that day were great but too bad the event was poorly organised. For some silly reason the organisers put the stage right in front of entrance to the condomnium, which means every now and then you get residents walking behind the performers to get to their suite, as you’ll see in the video clips later. Its very annoying.

It’s then Shal Sagan’s turn to go up there and do her thing as I readied my digital cameras and did my thing.
Halfway through her performance, I encountered a Freaky Fan Incident. Yes, I encountered it, not her.

A middle-aged man in his 40s or so (shown in this picture here) emerged from inside the building, walked past the stage and handed me a small folded note.

I looked at him quizzically and he smiled at me before walking away.
Now I don’t know if he’s the one reading my blog, or if he’s just playing messenger and passed me the note from someone else. But, guys! If you do happen to bump into me, there are less freaky ways to let me know you’re kennysia.com reader you know? Like, for example, “Hi Kenny, I read your blog. Nice to meet you!”

That guitarist bears an uncanny resemblance to Linus Chung from the movie Sepet.

Anyway, back to Shal Sagan.
Shal and band performed 4 songs from her debut album. They opened with Death’s Fatal Kiss and finished with a Green Day/Good Charlotte-inspired Newsflash, both of them uptempo rock tracks. In between, she sang a slow alternative track Message in a Bottle (think Smashing Pumpkins) and ballad track Just Fine, my favourite song from her album.

“These chicks don’t even know the name of my band… But they’re all on me like they wanna hold hands…”

Shal Sagan sounds a lot better live than my camera can apperciate, but here are the videos anyway (in MOV format, Quicktime Player required).
Death’s Fatal Kiss video
Just Fine video
Message in a Bottle video
Newsflash video
Samples of her songs can be downloaded from CD Baby. Pay attention and reflect on the lyrics as they are often the best parts to her songs.

Shal Sagan, Kuching’s Rock Princess and Kenny Sia, Kuching’s Rock.

Shal Sagan was nice enough to give me a copy of her CD. To show her my appreciation, I created for her a music video of her song ‘Just Fine’. Try to spot my Freaky Fan in there.
Download music video of Just Fine, crappily produced by kennysia.com
Low Res (17MB, WMV)
Hi Res (33MB, WMV)
Hi Res (alternate link) (33MB, WMV)
If you like what you hear, you can purchase her album from Tower Records if you’re in Malaysia, buy online through CD Baby, or just e-mail Shzogawa Records directly at orders@shalsagan.net.
Support our local indie music industry. 🙂