Kuching Parking 101

Us Kuching drivers are really one of a kind.

See, most of us who drive on the road have a proper and legal driver’s license (I hope). Thats mean we must at least pass our theory exams on road signs, road rules and stuff right? You know, the one that says “green means go, red means stop” and so on.
I tell you hor, all these theory exams, we did it for fun only. Actually nobody use one. Bullshit only. Everyone else test their students before giving them their driving license, that’s why we do it also. Must act act a bit make it look real like that mah. Cannot just anyhow give out licenses like giving out APs. What, you think our government is Salvation Army ah?

The reality is, here in Kuching we have like, a completey different set of driving rules. Rules that apply elsewhere doesn’t always apply here.
We Kuching people, we love to be different. That’s why when you come down from our airport, the first thing you see is our state motto: “Sarawak – A Place Like No Other”.
That’s referring to our driving rules.
You know how everywhere else, traffic light green means go, orange means slow, red means stop? Over here, traffic light green means go slow like snail, orange means go slightly faster, red light means go full speed ahead – chiong ahhh!!!

But that’s nothing. You should see the way we park our cars, even more terror. This is Kuching Parking 101, proudly brought to you by kennysia.com.

Rule #1: Designated parking bays

This is important when you’re parking small cars like the Kancil or Kenari, to always stick out one of your wheels out. See, because your car is puny and insignificant, people won’t normally notice you. Your moral duty is to annoy them by parking your car slightly over the line so the other person cannot take the bay next to you.
Of course, if you drive big cars like the Pajero and you’re feel rather tulan ‘cos this stupid Kenari had taken up two parking bays, you can always do this.

Rule #2: Yellow lines.

Because it is such a chore to walk 5 steps from the parking bay, you can always park on the yellow lines right next to the shoplots to visit your favourite laksa stall.

Rule #3: Yellow boxes.

Feel free to park on our yellow boxes! See, yellow boxes are like just yellow lines, but with more lines and got nice nice cris cross pattern.
It means VIP parking.

Rule #4: Blue sign with red strike over it.

A common sight at the shoplots next to Sarawak Plaza, there’s always a row of cars parking next to this sign. This is like, Kuching’s international symbol for parking space. Other people use a big big “P”, we use this symbol.
Remember, Kuching people like to be different.

Rule #5: “Strictly No Parking”.

Just like how “Air” in Malay means “Water” when translated to English, the words “Strictly No Parking” is actually Malay. When translated to English, it means “You’re very welcome to park your car here eventhough you might block this entrance to our private car park because you are important and we love you”

Rule #6: The pedestrian walk.

If you have a 4WD, this is premium parking space reserved for you! Who cares about the pedestrians? They can always step on the busy main road to walk around your brand new 4WD if they like.
Damn those stupid pedestrians. Always causing trouble.

At this point, you must wonder. With all these people parking indescriptly at ‘alternative’ parking spaces, what happens to our normal parking bays?

Why, we use them to dry our noodles of course!

The 2005 Weblog Awards is up! kennysia.com is not in it, but there’s some familiar names in the Best Asian Blog category. My vote goes to mrbrown for his terrific podcasts, poignant entries and for simply being an all-round great guy.

100 Replies to “Kuching Parking 101”

  1. haha…tts a pretty good post… but i believe this doesnt only happen in Kuching… it happens almost everywhere…. in Singapore and in Perth as well…

  2. Dude, you purposely one ah?
    have like, a completey different
    and you’re feel rather tulan
    people parking indescriptly at ‘alternative’

  3. Traffic rules in Malaysia is pretty fucked up. Not only Kuching, KL is worst. Wish something could be done to actually have all Malaysians abide by the regulations.

  4. nothing wrong what… makes kuching special only… hahaha… and the noodles at padungan there is supposed to be quite good one hor…
    all hail yellow line parking…

  5. noodles~~~ kakaka and there’s always an antique car that looks like it’s made out of wood parked somewhere near those noodles~
    Sweet, Sweet Song Keng Hai scenery~ XD
    the best thing about Kuching is, you can park anywhere you want~ and the authorities wouldn’t give a rat’s arse~ (coz they’re all doing it too)

  6. u should see the way those ppl park who go to eat at the newly opened Expert Food COurt at RH Plaza near the airport roundabout every morning… sheeshh….

  7. HAHA!!now that am back,those things that you mention in this post and the previous one are a reality! how true it is!! hahahah..good one kenny!

  8. Kuching’s way of driving is nothing… You should see Indonesia (particularly Medan) traffic .. almost similar to China in many ways… It is the worst ever traffic in the world … makes your ‘dickonosaurus’ shrinks everytime public transportation (bus) cut you off out of nowhere..

  9. ever in S’pore got people chope their space by putting a rubbish bin on them, then got busted then kene keluar newspaper then kene warning then kene fined.

  10. same thing here in Kota Kinabalu….ppl just park at their fancy…they just like to park in front or just within short walking distance, in the inconvenience of other drivers. Mentally of ppl will never change here!

  11. bodco — Every considered the fact that some of our parents pick Christian names for us but did not put them in our official papers?

  12. Interesting post. Perhaps, if you do plan to make a difference somehow, encourage your readers to change their parking techniques. Like Maddox, you influence many. It could work.

  13. OMG damn funny man…! It’s all same everywhere in Malaysia I believe, not just in Kuching. KL has sick Mat & Minah Rempit who think they own the road(s), scooting everywhere with thier cun giler motor or scooter. Just imagine the whole highway full of them, hogging the road and mahai purposely drive (ride) slow slow and they even just stop and stare at you if you honk at them. I’m not talking cock, this is really what you see at areas such as Desa Sri Hartamas. I think that’s one of the reasons why until today also Hartamas tak happening happening jugak. Oh well… What to do? We are sho proud to be Malaysian mah.

  14. kenny forgot to talk about double parking… especially at “pasar malam” (night market)!
    bodco — ever considered the fact that some of our parents pick an English name so it’d be easier for other people? Try asking some “ang moh” (Westerner) to pronounce “tze” or “sze”. Also, the English name doesn’t necessary mean that the person is Christian

  15. no wonder my unc parked in the middle of the road in BorneoDC…he said it was ok and nothing ever happens…Kuching so slumber…

  16. no wonder my unc parked in the middle of the road in BorneoDC…he said it was ok and nothing ever happens…Kuching so slumber…

  17. Well Kuching drivers are not only famous for their parking techniques but their driving skills as well…keeping to the right when they are moving really slowly, blatant disregard of the use of signal lights ( or rather, they opted for “no signal lights” package when they bought their cars) and of course, the “suka hati brek” attitude. Nothing we can do much about it except to be alert at all times.
    By the way Kenny did you happen to be at the Hainan chicken rice shop last Friday? (the one behind hock lee)

  18. ohhh…now i know. At least i wont be that lost if i go there one day. Heheheehhehe. A good post kenny! Very the informatve and educational hor…

  19. You forgot the following (often seen around where I currently am):
    * “front left wheel on the kerb” style of parking
    * “left wheels on kerb, right wheels on road” style of parking
    * “park face opposite direction to traffic” style of parking
    If I ever get to drive in Kuching, I am sure my parking style will fit right in! I love the idea that in smaller cities, it is not so much of traffic RULES and it is of traffic SUGGESTION.

  20. This is a great blog, but why don’t you join me by doing a Malaysian Daily Photo? I love to see how things look and customs differ in different countried. Give it some thought. I have lots of US and European daily photo blogs, but I’m missing your part of the world! Regardless, take care and thanks for the great posts!

  21. fuck.. you are soo funny! i LOVE it! (and you, but lets just leave that one alone.. lol)
    reminds me of the joys of driving in malaysia… even though you DO get ppl like that here in Melbourne…

  22. I wonder if parking your car in 2 lots at the same time would result it in being scratched and its windows, windscreen smashed? Some irate driver who can’t find a lot to park might just do that to your car ;p

  23. Haha… good post.
    To me, GIVE WAY TO YOUR RIGHT seems to be the most ignored traffic rule in Kuching or are the drivers here just plain ignorant. (huh?)
    A friend once said “eh, isn’t the Yellow box meant for parking? As I see most motorist cramp into it everytime the traffic light junction jammed up?” I rest me case ….. sigh

  24. Kenny looks more “cuter” in his driving license’s pic Hohohoho… Ya from the whole entry, that was the first thing that caught my attention ;p

  25. omg… really reminds me of home (indonesia)… but then, it also happened here in australia too. stupid people parking right on the line when the actual parking space is huggeee!!! which meant that i (who parked next to that car) have to squeeze in my door because no space to open the whole way!!! gaaahhh!!!

  26. pL: If its not in the official papers then its not your name, idiot.
    cina_sesat: Look up the definition of “Christian Name” before making stupid comments. I have heaps of friends who proudly used their Chinese names and educated their Western friends on the pronounciation of same. Point is if its not your name, it’s not your name. Don’t give me that bullshit about parents being considerate for the ease of others in pronouncing their kids names. If they can think like that they would have included an English name into the official papers of their kids you brainless twit. Just admit that people who give themselves such names like the fat author of this blog here want to be “Westernised” so much as to try to forget their own roots, and that is PATHETIC. Period.

  27. I hope everybody just don’t “haha.. nice post.” and “OMG LOL this is funny and retarded LOL”. Kenny highlighted 97.5% of the most annoying and idiotic things people do on (and off) the road. If I got a ringgit for everytime I see an idiotic “two-space” parking or a “5 minute” wait at the “side” of the road (which occupies 3/4 of a MAIN ROAD), I would be a millionnaire by now. The times I feel like driving a tractor to ram those cars to kingdom come—uncountable. Take notice Malaysian (and Singaporeans who come over) drivers!
    bodco: Don’t be an idiot. How do you know “Kenny” is his “Christian” name? I don’t think Kenny is even a Christian. The term “Christian name” is largely only in archaic use now but *sometimes* some people adopt a “Christian name” on their baptism, mostly people who don’t have an English name to start with. Unless Kenny grew up in a Amish society, IMO the term “English name” would be more appropriate.

  28. Don’t worry i’m sure kenny got a renewed license cos like mine the front is expired but we always got a BACKUP behind for the renewed license haha and oh well nothing to comment but if u wan more of this scene may proceed to sarawak club. That area whenever there is a function for sure it’s full parking at pedestrian part ho ho ho merry xmas to all in advance ya!

  29. AHAHAHA*snort*HAHAAA “TZE FOO”?!
    At this point I will refrain from making any wise-ass quips about your name, because after 23 years, you’ve probably heard them all.
    But that doesn’t mean I can’t laugh respectfully — HAHAHAHAHAAA!

  30. bodco: Just admit that people who give themselves such names like the fat author of this blog here want to be “Westernised” so much as to try to forget their own roots, and that is PATHETIC. Period.
    After reading this paragraph, it is beyond doubt that you, bodco, have a mind that is narrower than the eye of a needle. With this fact in hand, it is officially useless to try to talk any sense to you at all.

  31. Bah, bodco: Just because Kenny chose an English name for himself it makes him less proud of his Chinese roots? Clearly your “Chinese friends” only have a few “Western friends” to educate. Have you any idea how bad it is when you’re over at the Western hemisphere? They can’t even pronounce “Ng” properly even after being told how to do so. And when you’re in the business world (dealing with foreginers), choosing a name that is pleasing and easy to remember and pronounce is quite important! Stupid.

  32. BODCO: You’re one of those with self-given Christian names I see. Pathetic.
    What about you, bodco? Is bodco your chinese name, or its self-given? Maybe you are the one who has forgotten your own roots. Please, just take a look at yourself before pointing fingers at others.

  33. Chenying: Have taken a look and I love what I see. No, still remember my roots thank you very much. And what finger-pointing? Is Tze Foo not trying to pass himself of has “Kenny”?
    bodohco: “Foreginers”? “Western” hemisphere?? And you have the audacity to call others STUPID!!?!??!? HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA
    How Now Brown Cow: I wasn’t implying that Tze Foo is a Christian and given that you’ve obviously looked up a Thesaurus you undoubtedly understand the context of my above-mentioned sentence. Nonetheless, your point on the usage of the term “English name” is taken. That said, I still fail to see how the act of pointing out the true name of a person can be deemed myopic by you, not to say that I give two shits what someone who names himself “Brown Cow” might think.

  34. Joanna:…you DO get ppl like that here in Melbourne…
    Bet you these drivers are Malaysians (on holiday or have migrated there) 😀
    Reading the comments about Singapore drivers and indicator signals. While living there, I discovered that in Singapore, there is another use for the indicator. You put it on if you want the car in the next lane to go faster i.e. if you want the cars in the right lane to go faster, just put on your right signal. Works all the time. Try it. Since Malaysian and Singaporean road users are mind readers, there is no point using the signal for the mundane purpose of letting the other person know of your intentions.
    BTW bodco, you really know how to spoil the mood for everyone else.

  35. bodco, it truly shows that you’re nothing but an idiot by the senseless words that come out of the puny shithole of your mouth.
    So, are you trying to imply that women who are married and tags along their husband’s family name have also forgotten about their roots? My deepest sympathy for your parents then, for having a jackshit of a son like you who speaks nothing but illogical bollocks.
    Go hump a coconut and sleep you kid.
    Nice post by the way Kenny.

  36. bodco, has it ever occur to you that my parents simply did not put my English name in my birth certificate for their own reasons?
    My parents gave me that name, not me. I’ve been known as Kenny ever since the day I’m born and I’ve been known as Kenny all throughout my primary and secondary Chinese school years, simply because that’s what everyone is comfortable with. It doesn’t mean I don’t respond if people call me ‘Tze Foo’
    And just because ‘Kenny’ isn’t in my birth cert or in my driver’s license doesn’t mean that “I gave myself a Christian name to act angmoh and forget my Chinese roots”.
    If you think that’s pathetic, you can go ahead and insult a large portion of Chinese who doesn’t have their PARENT-GIVEN Christian name in their birth certicate.

  37. License renewal period is given on a separate laminated card. Original one will always display the first expiry date.
    Sometimes, I am not me – sometimes I have an Irish name, and sometimes I have a Spanish handle. None were Dad-given. Most times I am a chink. Does that make me abysmally pathetic?

  38. Eh, Kenny!
    It’s not orange light lah, it’s amber light lah! But it doesn’t really matter, right?
    Parking beside the yellow line is a common thing in PJ, esepcially at the university i’m studying in. I guess Malaysians are numero uno at parking, but then again, there’s no place like Sarawak, ya?

  39. Eh, Kenny!
    It’s not orange light lah, it’s amber light lah! But it doesn’t really matter, right?
    Parking beside the yellow line is a common thing in PJ, esepcially at the university i’m studying in. I guess Malaysians are numero uno at parking, but then again, there’s no place like Sarawak, ya?

  40. bodco, if you want to flame others, go elsewhere. No one likes you here, can’t you see that?
    Btw, great post! Seriously hilarious and intriguing. People who can’t follow rules or instructions are always nice to read about.

  41. BODCO: You’re one of those with self-given Christian names I see. Pathetic.
    Well another idiot who don’t understand what is CHRISTIAN name and what is ENGLISH name hahahaha oh well nothing to say but bear in mind i doubt kenny is even a christian. But that doesn’t refrain us from having an english name rite? i also got english name but i ain’t a christian. I tot every Christian have another ‘christian name’? Oh do enlighten me the idiota one haha

  42. bodco, i’m laughing my ass off at the remarks people give you for your childish stupidity in illiterately making fun of Kenny’s name.
    My sister has an English name which is not in her birth cert yet sabrina is her English name, which was given by me, by the way, on the day of her birth. Everyone calls her Sabrina, by the way..

  43. ok now not only do I fear the other drivers looking at my parking and having vile words come out of their mouths, I have something else to add to the list – fear of getting my ‘wonderful’ parking skills featured in kennysia.com! *cowers in fear*

  44. yeapps. you kuching drivers really freak me out! doesn’t help that i’m already scared of cars.. when i was there, crossing a road [even at the traffic lights] nearly gave me a heart attack..
    what i found interesting was this lil’ diamond shaped yellow road sign, with 9 red dots on it? i swear.. we don’t have anything remotely like it in singapore.. and that just got me baffled.. for a while there, my sis and i simply concluded that it meant “monks ahead” ;Þ

  45. guess what i found today in the paper.. a lady hammered a car in sin chew’s front page.. y front page? cos dhe did it in front of sin chew’s office.. this concludes that parking anywhere will still result disaster *grinned 😀

  46. Hahahaha!!!
    FUNNY! 😀
    Kuching’s drivers aren’t the only ones driving excellently.
    We, in the small city of BRATISLAVA in Slovak Republic drive like Kuching ppl too.
    Still it’s not as bad as drivers in Italy though…or Egypt. 😛
    Those are dangerous places. @_@ 😀 Even Kuching drivers would fear it!

  47. Aaaaaaahh.. I know I know… My grandparents live in Kch.. hence I return there every year to see them, and also for the Rainforest World Music Festival.. ANyway.. Yeah.. sorry.. but Kuching drivers are just scary… AND.. most of the cars look as if they are about to fall apart – hence.. not too much incentive to avoid accidents.. And many older drivers (By this I mean those who have heads of silver and crouched over steering wheel trying to see..).. Scary.

  48. To Mich..
    Actually… I think the drivers in Shanghai are nuts. They do not follow too many rules.. and their margins are so small !! Everyone honks ALL the time. Our driver had 3 different horns!

  49. great post kenny!….despite all the crazy drivers and everything, i still think home is where the heart is…. and i think that’s what make kuching unique in the first place, but being ‘a place like no other’ and arrgh~ u make me miss home even more after seeing all the familiar places….i miss home like mad~

  50. hahhaa.. cool… i think we can find the same thing @ KL also :p hehehehe.. except for the last one… which is using the car park to dry up the noodle :p hehehe
    must go kuching and check out edi :p

  51. i miss kuching!!!!
    and i still remember, i think me fren park beside the noodles leh.
    so we block half of the road and all cars have to squeeze through the small road.
    no parking mah that time.

  52. hey there this is random but i think you look like:
    El Picklesaur! (he’s frowning but you’re smiling though)
    He’s a cartoon representation of some dude in the Neopets workplace, if i’m not wrong.
    Anyway, your posts always brighten up my day (:

  53. Hmmm. Aside from the funky lil cars u got there, it looks like parking in San Francisco!
    Over here we have taai taais and yupsters driving urban assault vehicles (SUVs), parking the same way !

  54. Hey! Thats MY car! yeah right….
    wohoo! Kenny!
    you forgot to mention how 3 lanes becomes 4, and one parking lane between Tun Jugah and Sarawak Plaza… 😀

  55. hey bodco… you dont need to put a name in papers to be official…. some who do get Christian names (real ones… after baptism and all) dont, coz of all the paperwork… but still its accepted BY the government… just that we dont change the papers coz then you’ll need to put that alias thingy..
    Kenny… gonna use u as an example here… sorry bro!
    [strong]Kenny Sia Tze Foo @ Sia Tze Foo[/strong]

  56. haha!! suggest tat u shoot more pics(if can get d background/location clear) n post it on local newspaper like sinchew o international daily(guo-ji). kchg is small, easy to reconize cars. but u only can do it once, if not ppl bang u frm back.
    **kchg ppl still using signal light, but pernisular ppl too xpert, they dun need it.

  57. What You’re Looking At???

    Sometimes you love to drive, sometimes you don’t. I got the chance to drive around Kuching frequently whenever I’m hanging out with my friends. I don’t mind if there are traffic jams occured since the range of radio stations are able…

  58. Love your blog. I am afraid I was one of those “Bananas” who “went back” to find his roots and lived in Kuching for about 3 years, and couldn’t cut it. That 4WD on the pavement was probably mine. I was trying to “blend in” 🙂

  59. I tot I’m the only one who talk about this when my oversea friends come to visit… Next time I’ll show them this blog before they drive my car…

  60. well.. if u travel alot u will know that it isnt that surprising for u to see all these kinda of things.. 😉 taiwan is pretty bad for instance

  61. hahahaha this parking thing… I’m from kuching and when I read it, I really laugh so loudly and crazily.. especially that dry noodle part… I remember there is always a wooden antique museum car beside it. I guess is the noodle’s owner car. Sometimes he even put noodle on his antique car hahaha. Oh ya that Pajero special parking slot also very funny. hahaha

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