Kuching Toilet Etiquette

Spotted on the walls of a public toilet in Kuching.

The Kuching government recognised that Kuching people cannot shit and piss properly. That is why they’ve put up these posters all over the public toilets teaching us how to pangsai and pangjio like a true Kuchingnite.
Unfortunately there aren’t any captions accompanying those pics. Being a good Kuching citizen that I am, I decided to do my part in promoting good Kuching toilet etiquette.

Stand closer to the urinal

Because you’re supposed to piss INTO the urinal. Seriously, don’t overestimate the length of your penis. It is not as long as you think, alright? Who do you think you are? Kenny Sia?

Do not squat over the toilet bowl

Dude, the toilet seat is built like a chair for a reason. Don’t dirty the seat by squating over it. As a rule of thumb, you’re supposed to SIT ON IT in order to SHIT ON IT.

Greet your toilet bowl

It ain’t easy getting shit and piss thrown at you your entire life, man. Being a toilet bowl is literally a shitty job. So at least show some respect to your toilet bowl. Before you use it, give him a good pat on bacl and say hello to him. Trust me, your toilet bowl will appreciate it.

Conduct your business

Sit on your throne and quietly listen to the sweet melody of shit falling into the water.

Forget Cafe del Mar. This is chillout music at its best.

Entertain your toilet bowl

Your toilet bowl must be traumatised looking at hundreds of naked hairy ass each day. Be nice now. Spend some time entertaining your toilet bowl. Play with him, tickle him, do anything you can to make him happy dammit.

Praise your toilet bowl

Before you leave, say a few words of encouragement to your toilet bowl. “Good job!”, “World piss!”, “Bye, I’ll shit you tomorrow!”… whatever. It’ll overcome the loneliness experienced by that poor little fella when no one else visits him.

Wash your hands

Remember to wash your hands, boys and girls. You don’t want no brown stains in your fingernails when you eat at KFC. Gives a whole new meaning to Finger Lickin’ Good.

Toilets have feelings too. Remember that next time you use public toilets in Kuching.
This is a community message brought to you courtesy of kennysia.com. 🙂

Someone Ericka called me a Pink Idiot. That’s the most insulting thing I was ever called in my entire life. 😉
– My friends David Neo and Ah Yang roped me in to do the Detox Diet with them for the next 3 days. Will post an update on my experience tomorrow night.
– This entry was written in a half-intoxicated state, thanks to my trip to MC3 @ Travillion two nights in a row. Apologies in advance if you don’t understand what it is I’m writing here. Truth is, I don’t know what the fuck I’m writing either.

79 Replies to “Kuching Toilet Etiquette”

  1. maybe kenny should have that quote stuff – like the previous post for the matrix, see what creative slogan people can come up with from the toilet user manual picture. would love to have it in my website so that i can let the whole school quote my lecturers.
    i think hext time they

  2. Seriously, it made men from Kuching looked silly. But then again, this is very true. I’m refering to the poster. I’m working in the most prestigious shopping mall in Singapore, and I see footprints of the toilet bowl’s seat all the time.

  3. I knew there were people squatted over the bowl, that’s why I never shit on public toilet. But then hor… Kuching really got those sign huh? What a joke isn’t it?

  4. I laughed out loud at what were in the “Greet your toilet bowl” and “Entertain your toilet bowl” voice balloons! I totally did not expect that. Awfully creative, Kenny. 🙂 But how come the “Praise your toilet bowl” wordings are the same as the “Greet your toilet bowl” ones eh?

  5. Since you are on the subject of toilet humor, here’s some material on your obvious source of inspiration. Enjoy!
    XX came home from school one day and said to her mom, ‘I can count faster then all the kids in my primary six class, do you think it is because I am smart?’
    Mother: ‘Of couse it is, dear.’
    The next day, XX said, ‘I can say the alphabet faster then anyone in my class, do you think it is because I am smart?’
    Mother: ‘Of course it is dear!’
    The next day XX came home from her gymnastics and asked her mother, ”I have a larger chest then all the kids in my class, do you think its because I am smart?’
    MOther: ‘No dear, I think it is because you are eighteen years old.’
    XX was headed to KL. She got on the plane and sat down in business class.
    A few minutes later, a flight attendent came up to her and told her that her ticket was for economy and she had to move from the seat. She refused. The flight attendent was persistant, but XX replied, “No, I want to sit here, I’ve always wanted to see what it is like in business class.”
    The flight attendent was getting frustrated. Finally, after quite some time, she convinced her to move.
    Another passenger who overheard the conversation asked the attendent, “How did you get her to move?”
    The flight attendent replied, “I told her that business class doesn’t stop in KL.”
    XX was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a police.
    The police walked up to her window and asked, “Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?”
    XX said, “I’m sorry sir, but wherever I go, there’s always a tree in front of me and I can’t seem to get away from it!”
    The police looked at her and said, “Lady, that’s your air freshener!”
    Q: Why can’t XX dial 911?
    A: She can’t find the eleven.
    Q: How do you drown XX?
    A: Put a scratch-n-sniff sticker at the bottom of a toilet bowl.
    Q: Why did XX climb up to the roof of the bar?
    A: She heard that the drinks were on the house.
    Q: How do you confuse XX?
    A: You don’t have to. She is born that way.
    Q: What does XX and a beer bottle have in common?
    A: They’re both empty from the neck up.
    Q: To XX, what is long and hard?
    A: Primary Six.

  6. Singaporeans don’t know how to pee in the toilets too. In my office there are always some buggers who refuse to always pee outside the toilet bowls 🙁 we need such signs in our toilets too.

  7. About not to squat over the toilet bowl, there’s more than the reason of keeping the seat clean. I’ve read a news many years back about a guy who did that, slipped and lost his footing. The toilet bowl broke and thrust into his ass. Imagine the pain…

  8. that’s right, Singaporean can’t do it properly too!
    Once, a ‘lao mu ji’ (old chicken) in my office went around the office looking for a pair of shoes which matches the prints on a toilet seat…yes…even girls climb ontop of to do their business!!
    And I tell u…I have a asst. GM who doesn’t wash his hand after he pees!! DISGUSTING!!…

  9. I like that line: ” Seiously don’t overestimate the length of your penis who do u think u are? Kenny sia?” sometimes after a hard day you really need some laughter to cheer u up. Thx kenny

  10. they have those signs in kuching?
    The funny one i saw in kl is the one telling ppl to not throw rubbish in toilet bowl, flush toilet, yada yada. The pic they had asking ppl to flush was one where a person was looking into the bowl going,”eeeeee…submarine siape tu?

  11. i’m a little worried, because comments in Kennysia.com becomes more and more like a platform for XX haters. do something, Kenny.
    did you ever see toilet posters in S’pore? it’s in a comic strip form added with a little humour. but seeing Kuching’s way to teach toilet etiquette, i can see that it is somehow funnier. haha!

  12. Hi Kenny. FYI Sibu had started a Sibu Toilet Council and plans are being made to celebrate World Toilet Day on 19 Nov. Maybe U can help to champion the case as well?? Dirty Toilet? Not Shit.. Its BIG BUSINESS!!
    Cheers.. U can reach me for more details.. TQ

  13. oi, no joke on NOT sitting on the toilet bowl. a friend of mine almost got his ass split in half when the damn thing shattered. he now has 28 scars on his ass to remind him of sitting proper everytime he shits. :o)

  14. “Hello Mr/Ms Toilet Bowl!How was your day?Oh no,it stinks? Geez … No shit …”
    Yes sir, I’ll make it a point to greet my toilet bowls from now on. ;p

  15. Please,not only in Kuching..do something about the public toilets in KL!i’m a student in one of the universities,and it really piss me off numerous times to see the toilet bowl with foot prints..If you can’t sit,go to the squatting bowl next door lar!

  16. Actually, I think I’ve seen similar posters in Singapore before. And instead of people, they used cartoony pink hippos. Heh.
    Do guys actually pee outside of the urinal? Like, I can imagine people actually squatting on the toilet bowl – but is it that hard to aim into a urinal??? lol

  17. kenny: one word. WAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA!!!! *laughing like hyena*
    nadia: pink hippos!! you kidding me? do we resemble pink hippos?mmm.. i think guys stand far away cos they’re scared their birds get soiled by dirty urinals. instead, they pee on floor and soil the their toes.

  18. I am so ‘proud’ to be from Malaysia. Wawasan 2020 is 15 years away, and still we are all acting like uncivilized barbarians from some jungle in Borneo. Destroying public phones, vandalizing toilets, the list goes on…..

  19. Kennnnnyyyyyyyyy!
    You are damn wuliao…and disgusting! 😛 —-> describing the sound of shit dropping into the toilet bowl
    Bet you’ve been shitting a lot too with your detox diet 😉

  20. we used to have this sign on the female toilet in my college “no girlish boy allow”. when the “girlish boys” go to guys toilet, the guys will tease them, when they are in girls toilet, girls will scream like hell. (common, they still have their bird down there, so they are still consider as guys, even if they dont “look” like guys anymore)
    too bad, this is malaysia, no toilet built for ah kua!

  21. Posted by: Nadia at November 1, 2005 04:48 AM
    Do guys actually pee outside of the urinal? Like, I can imagine people actually squatting on the toilet bowl – but is it that hard to aim into a urinal??? lol

    Yes, especially for the uncircumcised!! If the weapon is not handled properly, the jet may come out split or sideways!

  22. I hate it when ppl pang sai and squad on toilet bowls. then the sai splatter on the seat and the cover of the seat. I know a lot of ppl who does that, tryin to change a person now. but he keep sayin “i don’t feel comfortable sitting.. i’ll try”

  23. I thought i saw not really the same poster in singapore toilet as well…
    i will try to check it out and share to everyone

  24. eh why the clothes so ah beng ah lian ‘KO TONG’ one?? ahahahahaha like the OLD textbooks we have. and the toilets there so lasap.. use ur hands to lift the seats kok LoL and let ur arse sit on it kok.. aiyer………… ahahahahaha

  25. Good one!
    FYI commenters, these signboards were meant to educate (and re-educate) some idiots who never used the toilet bowl before. Well, u can forgive the rural folks who dont have the luxury of sitting bowl toilets. But then some town folks still have the “kampung” mentality and squat on top of the toilet bowl, which i find disgusting.

  26. Guys who sell roti canai & use their hands to wash their assholes after shitting must not wear rings on their fingers or else some shit may get stuck to their rings and we’ll be eating some shit together with the roti canai!
    Personally I don’t buy roti canai from a stall where the operator is wearing a ring.

  27. hahahaha……..nice thing to share… coz rite now people do not really know how to use toilets propally…hahahaha….gud kenny…
    make more effort

  28. I red before an article with pics, a lady butt was cut deeply in hospital due to the toilet bowl broken while she was squatting on top of it. The bowl is made for you to sit on it and it can’t stand the weight of a person on top. If you think it is dirty put tissue paper around and before use.

  29. really funny….all the reactions on the how to use a toilet cartoon…..haha
    as a matter of fact…boys and girls…i copied some of the drawings to put up in the toilet of my restaurant….it seems people or don’t know how to use a toilet or are so unbelievably dirty that i don’t want to imagine how the toilet at their home looks like….locals as well as westerners.
    Holy Shit…you don’t believe what we find every day again….and we have a fulltime cleaningboy.
    after 3 broken toiletseats and always footsteps and shit and urine everywhere we decided to put up this drawn manual for how to do your thing….
    greets from Bali

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