Things I Learnt In Zouk Singapore

So I was in Singapore two weekends ago for a business trip.

I must apologise to friends in Singapore for not meeting up when I was in town. I was holed up in my hotel room rushing for a deadline. By the time I finished it was already 1am.
My hotel was pretty close to Zouk, so when I was done staring at the computer screen for 6 hours straight, I thought it’s only deserving that I walk over to the club and reward myself with a glass of ice cold beer.

It’s been ages since I been to Zouk in Singapore, and I gotta say a lot has changed. Not necessarily in a good way, but definitely in an amusing way.
As soon as I stepped into Phuture, immediately I noticed something unusual – there were more batangs than lubangs.
The boys in the club heavily outnumbered the girls by some 4 to 1, so much so that I almost made a U-turn towards the exit thinking I’ve accidentally entered a gay club. I’m not homophobic, but let’s face it, watching pairs of guys dancing with each other on the floor ain’t a pretty sight.

The second thing I noticed is the dressing sense of the people in there. For better or worse, the Singaporeans are always ahead of us Malaysians when it comes to fashion.
Whatever’s popular in Singapore becomes always popular in Kuching 5 years later. And there are some good ones we picked up. Case in point, short skirts and spaghetti straps from MNG.
There are some bad ones too. Like those Chao Ah Beng hairstyles back in the 90s.

When I was in Zouk that Saturday night, I was surprised to see a lot of guys there wearing hats.
No, not baseball caps. Those are still cool.
HATS. Like the ones your grandpa wore back in the 60s.

Not only that, a lot were also wearing thick black-rimmed glasses. Again, just like the ones your grandpa wore back in the 60s.
What’s up with that?
I’m surprised they didn’t bring along a walking stick to the club. It seems as if the new fashion is old-fashion. In fact, there were so many guys in the club going for “The Vintage Look”, Phuture should be renamed Phistory.
I dunno man. I reckon in this day and age, the only time people should be allowed to wear hats and black-rimmed glasses to a club is if you have a cool name.

If not, then maybe john.a.than or lim.ah.seng will do too.
The girls in the club , for the record, are HOT.

Not the best example, but… you get the idea

These girls they dress up hot, they make up hot, they breathe hot. And when they go to the club together, they dress up in their tiniest sluttiest clothing knowing that it’ll get attention of all the guys in the clubs.

But these girls are in for a girls night out. They’re not interested in meeting any guys whatsoever. When they go out clubbing, they just wanna dance among their own girly circles while the guys, wearing their Ah Gong vintage hat and black-rimmed glasses, can only salivate.

More often than not, this creates an interesting situation where two hot girls get on the dance floor doing their sexy dance moves with each other, while some EIGHT other guys surround them in a circle watching.

The guys are thinking that those girls wanna get picked up, so they moved in for the kill.
Problem is, these guys have NO CREATIVITY whatsoever when it comes to approaching girls. A lot of the times, they just sneakily dance up from behind the girl and, without even a hello or an eye-contact, somehow just put their hands on her waist.

Then as soon as the DJ plays one of those slut songs (eg. “Buttons”, “Culo”, “Low”, anything by Britney Spears or Fergie), they HUMP AND GRIND from behind as hard as they can.

Bear in mind, these guys don’t know the girls at all. Because as soon as they finished grinding them, I saw them turn around, shake the girl’s hands and introduce themselves.
Hello?! A minute ago you were just dry-humping her ass! How can you immediately go from that to shaking hands!

It wasn’t just a particular incidence because I saw it happening multiple times throughout the night. The girls must be used to it because a lot of them don’t seem to mind, or care. Some of them did try to move away to another part of the dance floor, but all they’ll encounter is another bunch of guys doing the same thing.

As for the guys, well, they were hi-fiving to their other guy friends afterwards, so I guess there must be some kinda contest going on. The more asses you dry-humped, the more of a man you are. Or something like that.
No wonder all the Singaporean bloggers I read are not going to clubs anymore.

All of them now prefers to stay at home and play mahjong instead!

Pardon me if I don’t update as often. It’s only three weeks left till my marathon race. Yesterday, I woke up at 4am and jogged 25km for 4 hours under the rain. If I still don’t lose weight, there’d better be a damn good explanation for me.
Crap, there’s blood in my poop. I must be menstruating.

120 Replies to “Things I Learnt In Zouk Singapore”

  1. “as soon as they finished grinding them, I saw them turn around, shake the girl’s hands and introduce themselves.”
    Damn you Mr.Beans…!!!:(

  2. hahaha, nice one, after 1am then u decide go for a hunt aye?
    hahaha… nice post. and nice gif file that u created. ~

  3. hahaha~
    love the animation~!
    cracked up laughing~ XD
    but yea~ i agree wif u…
    i’d prefer wearing PJs playing mahjong
    haha XD

    Good one Kenny
    The dancing sticks really made my dad.
    Even my colleagues were laughing when they saw that 😛
    They thought I was watching a XxX website 😛

  5. Thanks, I’m finally at peace with myself for being the only guy who stands around in a club instead of engaging in a dry-humping competition.

  6. the hats are called fedoras. the black rim glasses are supposed to be rayban wayfarers “inspired”. the fad has been in singapore for a while, the gay guys were doing the look then it kind of became a passe thing to do. I guess the guys who patron zouk are really as clueless as they seem hahaha

  7. What’s wrong with being homophobic? i think it goes along the same line as ‘ hey i hate cats, or hey i hate fat woman.’ this gay stuff, is overhyped man.

  8. “R u referring to xiaxue? Why you don’t link to xiaxue anymore?”
    He doesn’t need to link their blogs in order to be friends with them.

  9. as if we didn’t know how loserish the singaporeans are when it comes to chasing women..
    to the extent that their government has to come up with tv shows to teach them about shagging and its other intricacies.

  10. gotta agree with you on this one.
    the night life in singapore’s getting dull these days. you see more guys then girls at clubs, and these guys are really hopeless too. its disgusting how they try to pick up girls.

  11. Wow Kenny, I’m flattered by your praises for us Sg girls 😀
    Anw, this whole blog entry is soooo true! What I hate most are the guys who just stand around the dance floor oogling at girls. Grr, as if the phuture isn’t small enough!

  12. This is so so true (the guys trying to pick up guys thing)…I’ve seen it happen myself down here in Sydney.
    Quite pathetic, really. When my guy friends ask me how then, should they pick up girls in a bar…it would really come down to this issue lor-girls just wanna have fun, full stop.
    Since I want to have fun and not get hit on (for all the wrong reasons), I guess playing mahjong IS one of the things I can do from now on…hahaha!
    Thus the decreasing amount of girls in clubs.

  13. LOL!!!!
    Ya so not creative..
    And if they fail to “dry-hump” the girl, they will pass msg thru hp sms and will gather around the girl(s) to ATTACK!
    Sometime, buying us a drink will be a more costly way but a more effective way to know the girl.

  14. omg.. u’re seriously having issues with gays… if hot guys are dancing together.. i don’t think it’ll be much of a problem now since they’ve assets to show.. 😀
    anyway.. well animated on the ‘dry-humping’ part.. 🙂

  15. kenny, you should recommend to a female blogger you know about what to do with guys dry humping girls. like how girls would tell them to back off or if you have time, write about how guys would prefer it done. lol.
    from experience, it was the most bizarre moment of my life when the guy who was gonna touch my hips looked like – urkel. =.= yeck.
    kudos for another entertaining post!

  16. Those hats are pretty “in” in Europe. I’m in Switzerland and young people are wearing them all over the place on the streets, in stores, on the bus, restaurants etc. Girls wear them too. They actually look good… But the Europeans can pull it off… Chinese people just can’t… look like Ah Pek only

  17. Funny how some years back the fashion-conscious would label these styles as outdated… and now they embrace them wholeheartedly! All of a sudden your grandparents/parents’ wardrobe becomes so cool. People can never really appreciate retro unless it’s in… under the name of fashion I bet even adult diapers will be trendy. And then, “you don’t know fashion, dude…”

  18. lol funny post. regarding the hat and black-rimmed glass: they are supposedly cool but not everyone can pull them off. not cool when everyone is wearing them. 4 ppl wearing the same hat in one pic?? ishhh cheesy lah.

  19. Btw, good observations! S’poreans are not trained to be creative. If the guy is cute n start grinding it is okay, but if he isn’t Chinese and he is ugly then we will scowl!!

  20. it’s true ! my girlfriends and me never go to club without guys cause the guys are always doing funny things to girls who have no male companions. once my friend had a hand creeping up her skirt even though our guy friend was right beside her 🙁 talk about jerks.

  21. Kenny, besides Rockson (who cannot be found these days in cyberspace), you are the funniest dude around blogsphere! 🙂 Those CAB at night clubs are really CCB! In any case, keep up your great writing bro! 🙂

  22. Hi Kenny,
    Just wanted to let you know the gals in your photo 7 ain’t really 100% “gals”.
    they hang out in zouk quite often.

  23. “You should go Fabulous Sunday… ppl there are way hotter than those in Zouk…” -You-are-an-aged-uncle
    that’s cause fab sunday is the gay crowd and most gay guys at least look decent…

  24. actually, in malaysia also the guys in clubs are this pathetic, not only in singapore! WHats wrong with men now? Dunno how to nicely and gentlemanly approach girls arh?!

  25. Haha great post. Try going on Retro Night and see college boys and gals doing their synchronized dance moves. Come to think of it, I only saw the boys doing it.

  26. LOL. so right dude. spot on. tt’s why all the cool peeps DON’T GO R&B CLUBBING ANYMORE!!!!!!! its for poseur kiddos who need some attention & skank.

  27. haha, wat u said sounds super true that i used to like hanging out at clubs but now i changed to hang out more at pubs… 😀

  28. @ clarisse-teagen:
    I’m afraid I have to beg to differ, vintage/retro has not always been in – as in, has not always been the trend. The late 90’s/early 2000’s was about futuristic styles, probably due to the excitement over approaching a new millenium. It was only recently that vintage/retro really became a craze. And there’s a difference between Classic and Vintage.
    Don’t get me wrong. I’ve always loved vintage before it became ‘in’. My gripe is about the people who used to dismiss it as terribly old-fashioned are now trying to channel that pseudo-60’s/70’s vibe. I wonder why we’re not going back to those vintage moral values as well, lol.

  29. Hahaha! Have been hearing about you for a long time but have only been reading your blogs since a few days ago… this is definitely the best I have read so far. Such entertainment. I shall be careful when I go to Singapore which would be soon. LOL. tx 4 da tip though. Cute animations.

  30. y do pple who like to condemn singaporeans? becoz we’re from the 1st world country? And that fella who says we have no fashion sense? who is he/she to critic? is he/she a fashion critic or something? to each his own la. wtf.

  31. I agree 100% that more guys in girls these days.
    makes clubbing less fun.
    I think girls should get the bouncers to kick out those people for harassment
    *especially those who treat girls like to “show off”

  32. we do that in euphoria,my also!one hawt gal,all guys surrounding her,reminisce me of a scene where all dogs hungry horny for a bitch. :p

  33. I’m not fond of enforcing ratios at clubs but this definitely merits it. I always wonder where has the chivalry in this day and age gone. It’s so sad =(

  34. u know what, in Japan, its a style to wear that kind of glasses..u can google the japanese idol like TAKUYA KIMURA, KAMENASHI KAZUYA, MATSUMOTO JUN..all of them got that kind of glasses n they look hot in it! 😀

  35. yah, I went to Phuture the other day and all of them dressed the same way and all of them did the same humping then introduce thing.
    And I’m shopping for my own mahjong tiles.

  36. It’s a move, kennysia. If you want to dance with a girl, you go up behind her and dance with her. If she accepts, she’ll dance with you, if not, she’ll just walk away.

  37. Which is why, the hot girls all dance either around the table or at the bar.
    We’re just too tired of the guys crowding around us and you need to nudge them away or tell them to fuck off or push them away.
    It’s true we really hate the touch the waist then grind then introduction of names. It’s so ………uncreative and the girls would just change place. Hahahaha. I really find that your entry is damn fucking true.

  38. spaghetti straps and short skirts been in fashion since forever. short skirts even earlier like, in 50s. nothing to do with MNG.
    that dryhumping phenomenon been going on since forever also. esply those idiots in uk. they do it simply bcoz they r idiots.
    i kena my ass bitten once. thats at least ten times worse than grinding from strangers in a packed club ok!

  39. HAHAHAHAA yeah, we’re back to being animals now. de-evolving, as it were. this reminds of something i read recently on an online comic.
    sadly, it’s quite true. most girl clubbers nowadays aren’t looking for any action, but just want to unwind from work etc.

  40. To JT at 21 November 2008 10:29 PM:
    Sorry to be the one to burst your little delusional bubble, but this is the 21st century – if you want to dance with a girl, you jolly well go IN FRONT OF her and ASK if she would dance with you. Not gyrate and grind behind like a spasm-ing primate in heat.

  41. It’s happening in Sydney too.
    The Surround Tactic.
    I think its a global phenomenon, maybe some one published an research proving that this is an effective method?
    OR someone got really lucky.

  42. Zouk suck nuts now. lol
    The ‘surround the girl and undress her with our eyes’ or ..the ‘dry hump’
    its happening… everywhere where there are chicks. hahahaha

  43. and i do agree with what you said. the dry humping and all! my gf and i got ‘attacked’ one too many times that night.

  44. i like naked dance actually.. i naked dance in front of so many old ladies before.. can u imagine the excitement?? Wow!!

  45. Talk about dirty dancing and grinding girls, I’m finally hearing this thing from a different side of the story.
    A friend of my is a regular clubber and he was teaching me bout all this grinding girls stuff, so much so that he even did a blogpost on it not too long ago.
    This is crazy.
    Oh, Kenny, see ya this Saturday, DXO.

  46. Lol, I am laughing so hard after reading this blog post. @ Singaporean guys you are pathetic…… You really go grind against chicks and then you introduce yourself?
    No wonder us Europeans get so much attention from ladies here…. You guys are not manly enough, got no charisma…

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