RALPH Magazine February 2005 Review

I’m not sure if its just me or what, but it seems like kennysia.com seems to attract female readers only. Of course, that’s not necessarily a bad thing (in fact its a bloody good thing), but I’d like to know if there are male readers to this site. Well, here’s an entry to try to get things started anyway.

Ralph Magazine is a very popular lad’s mag in Australia. For those who are not familiar, lad’s magazine (or lad’s mag) like FHM, Maxim or Loaded, are founded in the UK, and they serve as men’s answer to Cleo or Cosmpolitan magazines. These magazines usually rely heavily on attractive models or celebrities dressed in skimpy clothing to sell. Supposedly, this allows them to be classified as Men’s Lifestyle Magazines, which makes them more respectable than magazines like Playboy or Penthouse which are usually classified as filth or porno mags.
Unfortunately in Malaysia, only FHM is available despite it being heavily toned down to satisfy Malaysia’s “Sex = Bad” censorship board. Personally I prefer FHM Singapore although it is still holding back on its more risque content.
Whilst magazines like FHM has gone international, Ralph is unique because it is published in Australia and features mostly Australian content. Like others of its kind, it is printed on high quality glossy paper – not bad for a AUD7.95 mag. Apart from photos of near-naked ladies its usual content includes beer, sex, sports, unusual news, more beer, more sex and a good deal of men’s humour. Articles and interviews are usually written in a very casual manner, which makes it a fun read even for men with the lowest IQ, which happens to be most men, like myself.
Anyway, let’s have a look at the current issue of RALPH in all its glory.

The current issue of Ralph features Tara Reid on its front cover, fresh from her wardrobe malfunction a while ago. She’s trying to make her boobs look bigger I might add… notice how she’s leaning forward and squeezing them with the inside of her arms. Just thought I might point that out for the benefit of boob-obsessed Kim.
Ralph photographers are famous for their taking photos of ladies placing a thumb in the undies. A flip through the current issue of Ralph magazine reveals the a large number of these types of photos. Like this picture of the “Page 29 Girl”, which honestly is the lamest title I’ve ever heard.

Another thumb-in-the-undie shoot, featuring this issue’s “Girl Next Door” whom apparently does not live next door to me.

I think having a thumb-through-the-undie makes them look like they’re gonna remove it or something. Such a tease. This issue’s “Discovery Girl” also has that thumb-through-the-undie syndrome.

Oooh, more! Such as these. No wonder feminists complain women are being increasingly treated as sex objects.

And another one of Ralph’s heavily Photoshopped models…

Seriously this is not a porno mag. Doesn’t anyone believe me?
Ralph usually has great one-liners to accompany their photos.

The current issue has a feature article that pays homage to popular sidekicks. For some reason this entry cracks me up so much.

Towards the end of the magazine, there’s an abundant of ads targeted towards men. By that I meant ads for dirty phone calls or sms. Dirty sms you say? Why would anyone actually pay to send and receive dirty smses for $4.50 a pair!? For all I know the person maybe some sweaty 60-year-old dude in his boxers watching some gay porn whilst replying my sms!

Interestingly, there’s a sealed section in this month’s mag.

Ralph kindly explains “Unfortunately, we can’t show you the raciest pictures – the ones that take a year off our lives everytime we look at them – unless we do this nify ‘sealed section’ trick to stop you opening that part of the mag in the newsagency and giving five pensioners heart attacks.” Thank you, Ralph. I flipped through the sealed section and find myself very enlightened indeed. Let’s just say that I’d like to preserve this site’s kiddie-friendly status. 😉 Anyway, I decided to pop the sealed section into the recycle bin just in case Nicole finds out and cooks me alive in my Kambrook Omelette Maker.
The rest of the magazine features news and articles on boy’s toys, entertainment reviews, best beaches and pubs in Australia, a pretty good style and fashion tips section, and finishes off with some steamy erotic story guaranteed to give an old man a hard on without the need for viagra.
All in all, makes for a fun and interesting read! Too bad they don’t carry Ralph in Malaysia. Stupid censorship board…

Those Singaporeans sure are damn serious about their health.
Osim iSqueez foot massager

Osim iSqueez – Squeeze your legs (and maybe other body parts) for better health.

Osim iSqueez is yet another item in the list of many products that popularizes the use of small letter ‘i’ in the name, after Apple’s iPod, Helwett-Packard’s iPaq and George W Bush’s iRaq. The iSqueez (yes, that’s the correct spelling – no ‘e’ at the end) is a foot massage gizmo that, according to them, is “specially created to relief the negative effects of everyday stress on your feet and restore your overall sense of well-being”.
Osim iSqueeze price tag

At RM1,388 the Osim iSqueez does not come cheap.

Someone bought one of these baby as a gift to my father, which costs RM1,388 from the Osim outlet in Tun Jugah Shopping Mall. Unfortunately my father prefers a real foot reflexologist than some thousand dollar gadget. There are other types of foot massagers available, but I reckon most of them should be marketed under “Foot Tickler” label instead.
Osim iSqueeze back of the box

Osim iSqueez’s package looks very inviting.

The back of the box brags about the foot massager even further. “The revitalizing massage relaxes and restores, giving you that extra bounce in your steps, just like walking on clouds!” Heh. Man! Walking on clouds? The last time I heard someone THAT boastful is when I told people I wear XL size condoms.
Well, I like the overall design of the packaging. Props to the designer to come up with such a nice colour scheme. Oh, did I mention that it has a similar colour scheme to kennysia.com? Heh, it is a good colour scheme I tell you, white and light blue.
Anyway, the box itself already look pretty very inviting to the wallet. Of course, a few pictures of some nice smooth pair of legs wouldn’t hurt either. 🙂
Different ways of using the Osim iSqueeze

Different ways of using the Osim iSqueez.

There’s many different ways of using the foot massager. I would think that the most common way to use it is with you sitting down on a chair or sofa. Considering how heavy it is, I don’t think its something you would want to use lying down. After all if you happen to doze while using it, you might very well kick that lug of a thing down to the floor and break it.
Osim iSqueeze Actual photo
And here’s the actual photo of the Osim iSqueez. You are forgiven if you mistaken it for a toaster.
There are handles on two sides of the unit. Too bad there’s not much use of them considering the iSqueez is about as heavy as a PC, and you won’t be carrying it around much. Unless you wanna show it off to people, Singaporean style.
Osim iSqueeze Actual photo
The product is sturdy and well constructed. There’s two slots where you insert your feet and that’s where the action begins. These slots are covered with removable pieces of cloth, which you can (and should) wash regularly.
Osim iSqueeze Actual photo
All the buttons you need are located at the top part of the unit, one each for power, vibration and kneading (squeezing). You can set the strength of vibration to high or low (auto will alternate between the two), and the strength of kneading action (1 for strongest).
Osim iSqueeze Actual photo
So let’s see how the Osim iSqueez fare in action.
With the power off, I put my feet down into the slots (Pardon the hairy legs). The base and sides of the slots are uneven, but comfortable. The best way to describe the sensation is if you imagine yourself barefoot standing on a riverbank full of rounded rocks and pebbles.
Then, I set to vibration level to high. 🙂
Osim iSqueeze vibrating

Sorry, that was a bit of an exaggeration. How did it go? I felt like I’m wearing a vibrating condom of each of my feet. Nothing to shout about. I get exactly the same effect by rapidly shaking my legs whilst sitting down.
So I enabled the kneading action and set it to the second most powerful setting available.
Osim iSqueeze kneading in action

Excuse me while I return from heaven.
I doubted it initially, but I have to say… OH MY GOD, IT FELT SO FOOKING GOOD IT WAS ORGASMIC!!!
No, I did not wet my chair.
The first thing that happened as soon as I activated the kneading option, was the walls of the slots pressing in towards my lower legs. It felt very tight. At this point I felt as if I was wearing Nicole’s boots, comfy but darn tight.
Then the action began. Balls of silicone rolled onto my feet, my ankles and my calves. All of them focussing on the right pressure points. Within seconds, I was already lying back on the chair with my eyes closed, snoozing. Without looking, it really felt like two giant hands squeezing my feet, ankles and calves simultaneously. At this point, I started to wonder if I’m still straight, gay or machine-lover. It felt so painful, so sore, yet so pleasurable. (What the foot am I talking about here?)
There’s only one issue when something so magical works on you – you keep screaming “more! More! MORE!”. Although the iSqueez was touching me at all the right spots on my lower-legs, I was hoping it could do something about my toes and the base and roof of my feet. Those are the areas that need massages as well, and they seem left out from all the action.
After 5 minutes of massaging on the same spot, I started to feel rather sore and uncomfortable. I turned the power off, tried to get up and walk, but I floated instead because my feet felt so light. Seems like Osim wasn’t lying when they said you would feel like you’re walking on clouds.
Osim iSqueeze makes you walk in the clouds!
Stupid iSqueez. Damn you for being so fucking comfortable!
Anyway, is this thing worth RM1,388? I don’t know. I think its quite expensive for something that’s good for one thing. It feels good initially, yes, but you do get sore after a while so its not particularly relaxing or addictive.
Then again, that’s just my personal opinion. Honestly, its not something I would want to buy for myself because I know its probably just gonna sit there and gather dust after a while. I won’t be surprised if Osim follows Apple’s foodsteps and perhaps come up with Osim iSqueez photo (lets you take pictures of yourself in heaven) or Osim iSqueez mini (portable lightweight version of the iSqueeze). Then again, I wouldn’t hold my breath. 🙂
That said, I so totally love the idea of a foot massager that squeezes your legs. I’m not kidding when I said that it feels really good and it really relaxes you. Shoppers who frequent enormous shopping malls like those in KL and Perth would really appreciate this nifty gadget. If you have some spare RM1,388 lying around, then get it.
Now…. if only Osim can come up with something similar for my manhood……

29 Replies to “RALPH Magazine February 2005 Review”

  1. ooh yeah, i’ve read ralph b4.. damn sexy mag, but seriously written 4 d typical brain-dead bloke – v sexist remarks thruout.
    not bad kenny, bloggin on tis topic. nw tryin 2 appeal 2 a diff mkt segment aye?

  2. lol! it’s hilarious when you point out the thumb through the undie syndrome! nice i love the lingerie the last lady is wearing!
    this might make me start a petition against the malaysian censorship board. any volunteers?

  3. Irene – We like these kinda magazines! Reminds me of the books I used to read when I was young – lots of pictures and not too many words. hehe. The pictures are better in this case.
    IngHui – Tell me all about it. Malaysia’s Censorship Board (abbreviated as ‘CB’ to match the abbreviation of… well you know what) has been senselessly banning some things and accidentally leaving out others. I watched Meet the Fockers in the cinema recently and they deleted the scenes of the stupid dog humping everything, but yet they leave in the scenes of the senior citizens’ aerobic sex class. How stupid is that? If you’re gonna start that petition, I’ll be the first one to support. 😀

  4. i miss porn but luckily we have the internet
    thank god for broadband…
    now if they can only provide better service !
    TM is supplying slow broadband . ..
    if ya get whaddya mean . .

  5. it’s easy being 16 and picking it up from a milkbar.
    i’ve jacked on it so many times that i’m in love with it.
    it’s fucking awesome

  6. I went to the store and tried the Brookstone Osim Isqueez, but ended up getting the ifootrub at their homepage

    It’s a much better massager at a fraction of the cost.

  7. Hi
    My name is Gizelle, i am from Brazil.I been working as a model for years. I would like to know how i could have my photos at Ralph magazine.

  8. Arrg, my mouse got jammed. What I was about to say, was that this is a terrific post. Very insightful and informative at the same time.

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