How Not To Play Golf

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I’ve decided to pick up yet again, another sport. This time I’m playing golf.

Like most people, I don’t get this whole golf thing. I don’t get golf like I don’t get ballroom dancing as an Olympic sport or people playing 5-day-long cricket.
What’s so fun about hitting a small little ball once, spending the next ten minutes trying to look for your ball and then hitting it again? I don’t get it.
It’s unexciting. It’s boring. It’s so boring I’m afraid I might fall asleep on the golf course until I wake up the next day with birds nibbling on my head.

But I decided to pick up golfing because golf is the unofficial game of the business world. Jokes about big men playing with small balls aside, the networking and social opportunities one can make on the golf course is quite invaluable.

Business moguls like Donald Trump and big shot politicians like George Chan all play golf. Considering the career path I’m taking, I figured it’s probably better to learn the game sooner rather than later.

See I’ve been hanging out a lot with older guys lately. These guys are so passionate about golf, they virtually eat, breathe, shit golf balls.
And the guys have succesfully coaxed me into trying out the sport. One of them was even generous enough to give me his spare golf set to try out. Thanks!

There’s only one problem.
I know absolutely NOTHING about golf. My experience using a golf club doesn’t extend anything beyond hitting people with it in GTA: San Andreas.

This is how I play golf

It’s gonna be very weird to use a golf club to hit a ball for a change.

So one day I drove down to the driving range at 2.5 mile for some swinging action. A tray of golf balls cost RM6.50 and it’s good for people like me to fire some practice shots before hitting the golf course for the real thing.
I did everything my golf-expert friends told me to: feet apart, shoulders relaxed, knees bent, eyes focused on the ball.

I raised my golf club, and with all the might in my body, gave the biggest swing of my life. WHAM! I struck the golf ball, and it flew through the air disappearing into the horizon. Magic.
Or at least that’s what I hoped would happen.
Reality is, I missed the ball by a foot and ended up looking like a monkey trying scratch its back. It’s not a pretty sight.
Man, this golf thing is harder than I thought. Definitely not as easy as it seems on TV.

After what seems like an eternity of struggle, I finally realised where I went wrong. The other players in the driving range all had a golf tee to help prop up the ball, whereas I was just hitting it from the ground.

That’s why I kept hitting everything else but the ball!
So I bought a cheap rubber tee from the shop, propped up the ball and started all over again.

Feet apart, shoulders relaxed, knees bent, eyes focused on the ball. Focus, Kenny. Took a deep breath, swing and WHAM!
The ball is there, but the tee is no where to be seen.

I hit the golf tee away instead. KNNCCB!

Did everyone manage to catch the spectacular Melbourne Commonwealth Games opening ceremony? Such an extravaganza isn’t it?
I think the cutest part of the whole evening was when they dedicated happy birthday to the Queen, sung by an opera singer. “Happy birthday Your Majesty. Happy birthday to youuuuuuuu!”

152 Replies to “How Not To Play Golf”

  1. should look at the ball at all time.okeh..i hit the ball like you when i first started out.anyway,the hole in the carpet is for you to put the rubber tee in.

  2. kenny, you should not start with a bloody DRIVER !
    get yourself familiar with 7 iron or 5 iron first PLEASE !
    once you are able to hit about (7iron) 150 yard or more…175?) you will use 5 iron, 4, 3 2 1 ! and so forth.
    then only you graduate to a DRIVER!.
    bear in mind hitting the bloody bar 500 km away from teh tee does not make you pro. sinking the ball from 70yeards away do.
    in subang, RM 10 for 100 balls

  3. Good stuff kenny.
    Have to agree with Terry that you should start off with a 7 iron first. But.. that said.. most importantly, steady.. legs apart.. eyes on the ball and have fun man. 😉 that’s what it’s all about.
    Hope you grow to like it. Golf is good.

  4. you are suppose to put the holder underneath the carpet so each time you hit the ball, you dont have to pick up the holder again. Also, you use that holder only if youare using wood for practice. you should try using iron instead of wood to get your posture right which is important. good luck.

  5. I would advise you to get a local pro to teach you the proper way to play golf. I feel this is the best thing you can do. Without a pro teaching you the proper steps, you might get some “bad habits” in your swing. Which might take 1-2 years to get rid of later. Think about it.

  6. hahahahahahahahaahaha.
    kenny u hit air ah!?
    lol. din think its easy if i am to try it out too. but ur video just made me LOL.

  7. dude.. u didn’t even had ur eye on the ball when u swing ur club…
    i don’t know much about golf…
    but u remind me of “happy gilmore”…

  8. hehe…dam funny wei the beginning. especially your facial expression.
    but you got better towards the end tho’

  9. you’ll have to place the tee under the mat. there should be holes for it. and you can also hit the ball without the tee. that’s what i’m learning. and you’ll have to pull your left arm down when you swing. oh and remember to keep your back straight. you can try by closing your eyes, with the correct posture and try swinging the club down. this will help you practice in your ‘pulling’ or at least that’s what works for me. i am just quoting whatever my instructor told me. but it really works lah. trust me

  10. I went for my handicap test with my 5, 7 and 9 irons and I still pass.
    I’m still no good with wood.
    But who cares?
    As long as I have fun and enjoy the game.
    All the best, Kenny. 🙂

  11. you looked so cute swinging the club especially the first one on the vid… where you didn’t even look at the ball when striking… *pinch, pinch your cheeks*

  12. hi kenny..u re so funny…im a preschooler golf coach
    and reading your blog reminds me if how i was when i first started..
    some tips: don shift your feet! and keep your knees bend…
    maybe cab start your full swing with a 7 iron first?and do more chipping n putting!!!
    all the best! = )

  13. HAHAHA! don’t worry kenny, I suck at golf too. I tried it before and the golf club just flew out of my hand. I whacked myself on my second try and it hurt like hell! so you aren’t that bad after all(:

  14. Keep your head down, look at the ball, don’t look where the ball is going before you’ve even hit it, as you won’t hit it…Keep your face pointing down towards the ball.
    Swing slowly at first, you aren’t going to be doing 300 yard Jon Daley punts as a beginner.
    Start with a shorter club first, it’s much easier, drive is harder, and is a different swings from the irons (much more horizontal, iron swing is more vertical).
    And when you know how to hit, you can hit with a wood from short grass (no tee).
    And yah Gold is the unoffical meeting room for most business affairs 🙂

  15. BTW, the rubber tee suppose to be inserted thru the carpet so that your driver head sweet spot is on the same level with the ball.

  16. Kenny, Thats real funny.
    Anyway, I just started to learn golf.
    Wanna find a pro to teach me.
    Anyone can introduce someone to me?
    I prefer driving range in either PJ or Cheras.
    I can me reach at ” wantze @ ”
    Thank you all

  17. Who would’ve thought, after all the noise UK made about not singing their anthem, and all the noise Australia made about not having to, in the end, Dame Kiri included a snippet of “God save the Queen” in the birthday song. Cute AND diplomatic.
    I want someone to call me “Your Majesty” on my birthday, too! 37 days earlier also never mind.

  18. u have been practicing from evening till night eh?
    lolz…. i think u’re juz to eager to hit the ball le…. take your time… concentrate on the ball… look at the ball all the time… means downwards.. not to where u expect the ball to travel to… and oh yeah…. u’re supposed to start with the 7 iron, without any tee…. tees are for intermediate and experts…. and drivers aren’t for beginners too….
    bend ur knees abit… relax… look at the ball… concentrate… empty your mind… den when u swing backwards… keep ur left hand straight while bend ur right hand…. u can hit the ball by going down from here (that is call chipping) if not, bend ur left hand abit…. and move the club till around your chest area… if u want the ball to go straight… make sure ur left shoulder is pointing straight…. and then move the club down…. while moving… ur hands would need to be straighten when u reach the ball…. and kept it that way till ur hands moved till ur furthest left… and then start bending ur elbows and move the club behind ur head…. oh…. and make sure ur left leg is not moving and steady on the ground while ur right leg are up on their toes ending the swing..
    well….. hope this helps in ur training to become the next tiger~!!!

  19. kenny u farnee u can cangkul d grass d!
    eyes on the ball….adoi. it seems like the ball should adjust to u..hehehe

  20. Kenny, for beginner I always suggest with the shorter clubs like PW, #9, #8. Even though some pro said to go with #7 or #6. The shorter, the better control in the very beginning. You should not use longer club or wood or driver. The one you had was 3 or 5 wood, not right for you.
    Also, rubber tee is to be placed underneath the carpet, you will find a hole for the tee to pop up. That way, you will not end up sending the tee away. Please, be careful too.. don’t walk into the range. Club stroke and ball speed can go up to 100mph, it is killing! Keep it up man!

  21. Hahaha It’s damn funny! Shit! hahaha But then it seemed like u were doing it on purpose…were you? hehehe…but it looked like fun…maybe i should go try one of these days… 😀

  22. didn’t find it funny, but agree with norm. problem is, you don’t know whether people are laughing AT you or WITH you.

  23. i don’t understand what’s so appealing about playing golf. but that is such old news.
    what boggles me now, is what’s so appealing about WATCHING golf on teevee?! or even reading about it?
    but they say it is a game that builds character more than muscle. coz every hit is precious and precise. it hones focus and perfection.
    whatever. it just makes kenny’s butt stick out sexily.

  24. Once you play golf, you will get addicted to it. Just like ecstasy pill.
    The reason I stopped playing golf coz’ its too damn expensive!!!!! (marble play marble balls)

  25. the video is hilarious. but what’s more hilarious is that the shoes you wore. first time seeing someone wear sports shoes for golf. hahaha. maybe you can start investing in tiger woods golf shoes.

  26. Heh, i tried driving range before, borrowed a 7 iron from the club.
    Never tried the full game, and there was a motto printed at those practice putting places in those golf shops.
    “Drive for show, Putt for dough”
    That couldn’t be more true 🙂

  27. “You little son of a bitch ball! Why you don’t you just go home? That’s your HOME! Are you too good for your home? ANSWER ME! SUCK MY WHITE ASS BALL!”
    — Happy Gilmore
    Forget bending and all that man, just do it. Happy style.

  28. hahahahaha.
    u memang patut kknnccb kenny..haha. try other sports la. i think kayaking is already alright with you. haa how bout futsal least the ball are bigger than golf balls( and yours). u cant miss one ma.

  29. the “tee” should be placed under the mat lar, so you cant hit it away
    all beginners go thru this one lah,
    natural only to miss

  30. Golf is a boring sport.
    try taking up sumo!
    hehehe. kidding.
    but im serious. although i haven’t actually had my hands-on experience on golf but watching people play at ESPN is enough to prove how boring it is.
    business moguls play tennis too!
    u should try tennis. maybe you can even flirt with tennis chics in short skirts.
    teehee. good luck!

  31. Hey Kenny, you looked like you have slimmed down quite a bit! or is it a photo-taking trick you have mastered? Neh! I think you have slimmed down already!Is it cos’ of all the marathon jogging training? Are you still jogging? Man, if so…I would really really try out jogging for this slimming effect. I hate to run, that’s why…

  32. Dear Kenny,
    First of all you would need to insert the rubber tee into the hole on the carpet (from what I observed from the video, I noticed there are a couple of holes on the right side of the carpet). This is to prevent the tee from flying off upon hitting.
    Then probably you could starting hitting with an iron first.
    But.. it would be best to get a professional coach for beginners, so you could learn from scratch, the right ways to stand, arms position, hit, etc., etc., as all golf players have different ways of playing this game, so whatever they have impart/advise you, would only make you more confusing and probably learn a wrong stroke or two.
    Thank you

  33. Hahaha you remind me of the first time I tried to hit a ball. I bought 50 balls and managed to hit 5 up. That 5 balls got me hooked until now, that was perhaps about 10 years ago…
    When you do come to KL, we should go hang out at the driving range.
    I think you will be the most watched beginner(in golf) for the year 2006 from now on. LMAO ! Everyone will stop keeping track of Tiger and instead will keep track of your progress in the golfing world.

  34. hahahahaha
    this is awesome
    you’re supposed to put the tee underneath the carpet. there should be a drilled hole to the side of the carpet. hahahah this is hilarious.

  35. my father’s club flew away from his hands instead of the ball and even dig up a patch of the grass.
    urs is better than his experience.

  36. Kenny, da rubber tee shud b attached below da carpet so dat da rubber tee wont go away even u whacked da ball as hard as u wan….
    LoL !!! Dat clip wuz funny…. Btw, ur head shudnt be moving when u strike on da ball n oso ur left arm shud be straight… haha

  37. look at your shoes, looks familiar, KL Marathon?
    That’s not golf Shoes!! no wonder u cannot hit the ball…

  38. i just want to point out that msians think that kenny sia came up with knnccb when in fact, he did not! the blogger rockson from spore did! rockson came up with knnbccb and kenny sia just change it to knnccb and take all the credit! wad the hellllll..loser!

  39. What the hell? The expression ‘knnccb’ has been around for a long time even before any other bloggers used it. I never claimed any credit for it lah you KNNCCB©Rockson 2006™!

  40. OMG! i was laughing SOOOO much!!!! thanks kenny! its ok… you’ll get better with practice. my dad is an avid golfer and once he took me to the driving range to hit some balls with him. i did not hit a single one. by the end, i was so pissed off that i chucked the golf stick onto the range instead. *blush*

  41. Had a simialr experience the first time I tired. However got it right after a few swings. My coach – a friend was really good. He made us hit the balls without the tee and later from the grass which is much tougher.

  42. beh hiao pak tapi style ai uh. At least get urself a Nike cap la. eyes on the ball, turn ur hip not ur shoulder. take a wider stance and 3 quarter swing with SW,PW, 9 or 8 iron for a start. u are already halfway becoming the next Tiger

  43. Hi Kenny,
    Me and my bro’s gf read this entry last night, and were laughing like mad.
    U’re just plain witty with your lines & the vid is so cute especially the ending part where the tee went one direction and the ball went the other. ^___^ *TeeHee*

  44. Hi Kenny,
    Me and my bro’s gf read this entry last night, and were laughing like mad.
    U’re just plain witty with your lines & the vid is so cute especially the ending part where the tee went one direction and the ball went the other. ^___^ *TeeHee*

  45. I’m sticking to tennis and netball. I’ve never tried golf. And after reading this post, I never will. (:

  46. well, in shows the players wiggle their butts for abit before hitting the ball. maybe if you wiggle you butt abit, you might hit the ball, and be the next tiger woods.

  47. Kenny!!!!!!!!!!1
    Golf is damn boring la……
    but u’re funny,damn funny……
    and guess what…
    im your school mate and cant believe im reading your blog!!!
    remember SRB CHUNG HUA NO.4?

  48. hey have u heard the saying?:
    to golf players, i don’t mean to offend you lah. but i just heard it from somewhere and thought it’s funny (since I dont play golf myself – I like putt putt though!)

  49. Kenny,
    Damn tulan watching you play golf lah. How long did you take to finish that tray of balls? The video shows you started driving when it was quite bright and eventually the skies darken towards the end. Man , you are such a lousy golfer and I for a moment I thought the golf club is going to fly off and put some poor soul in a coma. My advise, Kenny, give up gold and consider twiddling the balls in your pants. Muahhaaaaa..haaa.. KNN beh tahan liao. My wife said I siao liao when I laugh my heads off waching the video.

  50. you’re a fat loser so stick to your computer games la nerd…obese dicks like you aren’t supposed to be playing sports, so why don’t u go squeeze them pimples of yours or something tubby

  51. Well, at least till the end of the video, u managed to hit the tee off together with the ball! Be glad~ Haha…

  52. Dear Kenny,
    Please do not insult golf, it is NOT uninteresting. It’s just that you’re not hitting it right yet, that’s why you’re not enjoying the game.(Your swing is HILARIOUS) There’s a lot of techniques, style and elegance in the sport, ok? Anyways, all those things ppl advised you on your swing is true but you need an epiphany to suddenly play well. And whether that happens or not, depends on your intrinsic talent. Good luck.

  53. when you get it real far and nice,you start to love it.juz be patient.anyway,tee supposed to be insert under the carpet and face poking up through a hole

  54. Your post makes you so cute and funny! I’ve been sad but anymore bcoz you brighten my night with laughter. Thanks Kenny!

  55. you’re a fat loser so stick to your computer games la nerd…obese dicks like you aren’t supposed to be playing sports, so why don’t u go squeeze them pimples of yours or something tubby
    Posted by: Anonymous at 17 March 2006 11:24 PM

    that is mean. why are you so upset against kenny? i thought he’s alright kinda guy.

  56. Hey i was at the commonwealth games opening!! It was quite spectacular standing by the river with all the fireworks exploding around the city and from the fishes lining up the river.. something melbourne will never see again for many years.

  57. Yeah start with a 7 iron dude, at least that was what I was taught. And don’t worry about hitting thin air at first. Think it has something to do with maintaining your posture and following through with the swing.
    Good luck dude!

  58. For those wondering, the background music in the video is “Everybody’s Outta Town” by Dubble Dubb, from a compilation CD called “The Coffee Lounge – Espresso”.
    I like these kinda chillout music. 🙂

  59. You need lessons, seriously. It’s not that you’re terrible or anything (let’s not go there for now), it’s just that is worth paying to get a pro to teach you the basics. You need to get the basics right before you can continue practicing on your own. Otherwise find someone to spot you and teach you the basics of posture and swing. This is not something to screw with from the start if you want to be a good enough golfer to be impress your business associates with.

  60. Bleh… bad grammar there towards the end (didn’t catch the cut-paste error), but you know what I mean lah. 😉

  61. Hi Kenny,
    I am Tommy. Please give yourself a pat on the back for your nice job on your blog. Hey, if anybody out there have the contacts of Kuching Scuba Divers Club, would you be an angel and let me know. My email address is ” ” Thanks !!

  62. Something happened to me today which made me damn tulan. Came back home with and instead of watching Tammy video to cheer me up I watch your golf video AGAIN!! And you guess what, I like the way you swing your golf club than the Tammy guy’s prowess in using his “club”. BTW, cb lang I’m not gay, OK.

  63. Walau eh Kenny, ur video is damn farnie sia… (pun intended). Absolutely hilarious! I think you should consider investing in golfing lessons from a pro. They’re preddy cheap over there in msia rite? Anyways, with the tee, u’re supposed to stick it under the fake grass mat and let the holg part stick out through the hole lah pls… Nxt time ball no fly, tee no fly, GOLF CLUB FLY… I’ve seen tt happening @ a range b4… Sibeh paiseh one can…

  64. aiyar…..
    at least kenny , you hit the ball forward… when i played..mine went back words….try doing that…..
    not a much of a golfer…but dad’s a addict to it..argh

  65. Yah…I agree with you..
    Golf is business in biz world
    I can’t play golf though
    But one day if I got the opportunity
    I would want to learn
    Perhaps that would be when I get back to Malaysia

  66. the hole at the carpet is 4 u 2 put ur rubber tee thr la! u shud gt a pro 2 teach u. not ur old ah pek frens. ok? gt a pro!! u’ll be gud in no time. harimau kayu in no time.

  67. Way to go dude!!Learn it 4 ur business thingy…^^ hehe..Do ur best!!But i do think golf is kind of boring…but i know it’s hard too =.=”

  68. practice makes perfect….. very much a social golfer myself & pretty bad at it….
    Surprise to see all the good advices coming from the girls/ladies….. Eyes at the ball at all times…. the best advice *
    attend a golf clinic or a couple of golf classes will set you for life!!
    Enjoy golfing / business networking…

  69. oh yah, I caught the opening ceremony, and I also love the happy birthday part… and you got to admit that the singer who sang at the end of the opening ceremony is hot

  70. agreed you must use iron clubs to start off with, and secondly, stuck the tee into the small hole on the mattress, thirdly, it would be better to engage a coach to correct your swing, your posture etc etc! Happy Golfing! It’s a good game for “anger management”!

  71. You have the right intentions to play, but lack the passion for playing the sport. Too funny man… It’s either you faked what happened or your friends were not there to help you out.

  72. You’re a potential angst-y golf player… you know, like bend the golf club into a pretzel or smthg…
    …if you can Bend It Like Angst-y Golfers in the 1st place la =D

  73. keep it up, golf is a good game, wanna get more serious, get a coach frrom any driving range, better with those have latest equipement, then uor could improve very soon at your age.

  74. Kenny, go for a some lesson…you will learn golf the proper and faster way…golf builds or enchances a person character 🙂
    * Golf aint easy 🙂

  75. Actually I can imagine golf is quite fun if you can afford it. It suits all of man’s aims in a sport – it’s simple, there’s a simple non-moinv target and you do it in fresh air.
    My question is – why did your friend not help you? If he knows you’ve never played golf in your life and he just lets you swing away like ummm a child on a swing – what sort of friend is that?
    (Unless he’s the one holding the video camera? Or laughing at your hysterically from the clubhouse?)

  76. funny.. shouldn’t start with a driver first. Preferably a 7 iron. Then move to 5 iron and so on. If you want to learn go get some pirated dvds that teaches you golf coz still cheaper than golf clinics.

  77. Yup, 7 iron would be a good club to start off with 😉
    But I still think lesson will help you learn faster 😉

  78. u should put d tee under d carpet then 1st try 2 hit d tee in order 2 familiar wiv d position n straight line of ur left hand

  79. good shot man !
    you represent every malaysian than hasnt hold a golf stick in his life . . .
    btw, u forgot to stick the rubber tee under the carpet. . .
    thats why it could fly away ! ! !
    don’t worry man
    u aint alone ! !

  80. Have patience… I sorta started out like that too but after a lot of practise and lessons from the pro, I’m playing off a handicap of 8 and still improving…
    P.S. – That tray of balls must have taken ages to finish… lol…

  81. You are suppose to put the tee under the mat where there is a hole for it to stick up you idiot.

  82. Hey, actually I think if u really wanna enjoy in the game of Golf, you should get a coach. First first sure feel very boring and dump playing this kind of game like what you mention earlier. But let me tell you, when u know how to play and play very well that time, u will understand why business people like to play golf so much. I myself is a champion when I was in secondary school. I represent MSSM for my school. It’s really a very relax and fun game trust me. And since you say u also dont get it on the ballroom dancing part… why not give it a try?? coz I am also a coach on ballroom dancing since I am 18. now I am 23 yrs old. this is also a great sport and dont doubt that… really 😉

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