Category: Parody

Writing An Ah Beng Blog

I noticed lately there’s been an explosion of blogs written by Ah Bengs within the Malaysian and Singaporean blogospheres.

In Malaysia, we have this Cantonese blog and that Hokkien ‘bollock’. I have to say, the Hokkien blog impresses me even until today. Limpeh still find it quite amazing how that Hokkien Lang is able to spell all these bloody Hokkien words using English. Even his readers also comment in Hokkien instead of English! Waliew!
Hokkien Blog

Then over in Singapore, those Ah Beng and Ah Lian bloggers lagi more power. From Apple Lim to BlinkyMummy to Big Fuck Rambo Tan, to Rockson Takumi Tan’s Talk Rock which spawned imitators like the now defunct Emilio Jackson Tan and the Ranting Rock.

These are all very popular blogs and I admit its guilty pleasure reading them from time to time. I realised that suddenly Bengism is not just a subculture others would look down on, because when you can cuss with style and write words like “KNNBCCB that NKF, TT and CPF!” dammit YOU ARE COOL OK!?

Seeing as how being an Ah Beng is cool once again, I decided to try my hand, and write the rest of my entry in Benglish – ie, in broken English, heavily applying swear words, and excessive use of the word ‘ok!?’


All these news about Rafidah Aziz I read until my coconuts also turn from green to red liaw. That bloody Rafidah gave out 67,000 car import permits, 28,000 of those to just FOUR of her Bumi friends. KNN your friends all drive Jaguar and we’re still fucked by Kancils. Not fair ok!?

Actually hor, I got no problems if she gives those free permits to the Bumis lah. Otherwise they won’t be in the sell car business one. Long long time ago all these Malays sell sell satay and rendang, now sell BM and Honda. Good lah!

But fuck, wanna give permit also have to see who you give it to ok? Some ppl got no caryard you also give, no showroom you also give, no office with chiobu secretary in miniskirts you also give. Give them AP for fuck?! Where you think they gonna store their cars?! Inside their kacheng kang issit?! KNN damn kuay lan ok?!

How come they look so alike one?

Those import permits might be a piece of A4 paper to you but is worth a lot to us. One piece of paper you give for free to your Bumi friends with no car yard. You think they go take the paper and sell car one is it? Cheebye lah you kena conned. They not in the sell car business, they in the sell paper business ok!? Those paper they sell it to all their non-Bumi friends ok!? Not 50 sen not RM1, but RM40,000 for ONE PIECE of lan jiao fucking paper ok?!? CCB my ten year salary also not that much ok!?

See lah now you anger Mahathir already. Mahathir you also dare to anger. LIMPEH MAHATHIR IS PROTON ADVISOR OK! He no like imported cars one ok! He the biggest most powerfullest person in Malaysia ok?! Even me, Kenny Pukima Sia, also scared of him one ok!? Last time Anwar so nice carried his balls, then when he try to fuck with Mahathir see what happened… Mahathir fuck him back deep deep now and Anwar have to pang sai like waterfall!

Mahathir: “You’ve been a bad girl Rafidah…”

Ah then Mahathir scold you and then you cry. And now you say what want to abolish AP! KNNCCB!!!! Already give out 67,000 permits still dare to say want to abolish AP!!! NABEH ten years ago can abolish you don’t wanna abolish. Now give out all these free permits and make all your friends rich rich liaw then say you want to abolish!!! KANINA RAFIDAH!!!

Your cheebye talk so much crap! No wonder they complain the air in KL smell like shit!

Fuck your motherfucking permits lah!!!

The Saddam Party Girl Controversy

This entry is not-safe-for-work, so make sure your boss, workmates, husband, wife, brothers, sisters, children and doggies are not around you before you continue reading.
If I ever said I’m not a fan of Saddam Hussein, I’m sorry. I take those words back. He’s found a new fan in me after the Iraqi Bloggers Conference 2005.
Saddam Hussein missed all the afternoon session of the conference and turned up only during the after party.

Spider Hole bars are all the rage in Iraq.

I spotted him wearing business suit inside the spider hole of Baghdad’s hippest club, WMDXO at the Esplana-Fallujah. I don’t know if he knows me, so I walked over there and introduced myself.
I’m glad I did. That man just kept giving me surprises after surprises throughout the night.
Kenny: “Hi, I’m Kenny. :)”
Saddam: “Heyyyyyyyy, you’re Kenny! You’re from Kuching right? Guess what? I’m from Kuching too!”
Kenny: “Whoa!”
Surprise #1: Saddam Hussein recognised me.
Surprise #2: Saddam Hussein is from Kuching! Damn, I never read enough of his bio to realise that.

“Excuze me teacher! I want to go to toilet!”

To be precise, Saddam Hussein is born in Tikrit but his parents are from Kuching. But I don’t care, I want to claim him as one of our own. 🙂 Despite him being so controversial, I’m still proud that such an evil dictator like him has roots from my hometown, ok?
Saddam: “You know… I know exactly what your Weapon of Mass Destruction looks like.”
Kenny: “I know what your Weapon of Mass Destruction looks like too!”
Not bad for a conversation starter eh? How I wish I could say that to every evil oppressor I know. 😉

Before he found fame as an evil dictator, Saddam worked as a tortoise-fighting plumber for a short while.

We were referring to the ‘UN Weapons Inspection’ crisis when Saddam Hussein vehemothly denied that he possessed stockpiles of Anthrax and VX nerve gas agent. Next thing you know, George W Bush went crazy sending airstrikes and ripped Saddam a new asshole with his cowboy ‘Shock and Awe’ campaigns.
I was amused why George W Bush made a big deal out of this when UN inspector Hans Blix already said that Iraq has no Weapons of Mass Destruction. So I went ahead and e-mailed George Bush a photo of me with my WMDs.
Sad to say, my picture wasn’t as well-received.

Later that evening, in a Saddam Hussein’s secret underground dungeon where many other evil Iraqi generals were congregating…
Kenny: “Hey Saddam, can I take a photo with you?”
Saddam: “Yah, sure!”
Kenny: (to Chemical Ali) “Ali, can you help us take a photo?”
Chemical Ali: “Sure, man.”

Saddam: “You know what would be really funny? I think we should do a photo together showing off our nuclear bombs.”
Kenny: “!!!”
Kenny: “I’ll do it. Are you gonna do it?”
Saddam: “I’ll think about it, but only if you do it first.”
Kenny: “Okay.”


Who said I have two pimples in front of my chest?

I don’t know what happened next but the chatty room full off evil tyrants suddenly turned quiet. VERY quiet.
All I remember was Chemical Ali shaking his head saying “Those nuclear weapons deserve an entire Gulf War on their own, man.”
Chemical Ali’s camera flash went off.
I turned and saw Saddam quickly putting his trousers back on. I reviewed at my camera AND THEN I saw this.

I showed it to Saddam and we burst out laughing our tits off. It felt as if I just shot the cover of my first terrorist-training DVD – “Hairy Potter and the Half Naked Czar”
Chemical Ali walked away in disbelief.
Chemical Ali: “I’ve got only one thing to say about this, man… LET’S GO TAKE OVER THE WORLDDDDD! YEAAHHHHH!!!”

Continue reading

April Fool’s: Making Fun of Myself

I’m never good scheming an April Fool’s prank.
When I was young, everyone hated me on the 1st of April. Whenever my group of friends decided to pull a prank on some poor kid, I was always the first to get all red-faced and laugh out loud. The (supposed) victim would get suspicious and my mates would get all upset because I single-handedly ruined their evil plan.
Eventually I decided that I’m hopeless at poking fun at other people, and so I resigned to my fate as the target of all pranks. I’m not sure what the other bloggers have up their sleeves come this April Fool’s. Someone slap me if its not somewhere along the lines of my-blog-is-shutting-down, I-lost-my-job-cos-of-my-blog, or another one of those terrifying watch-this-carefully-and-you’ll-see-a-ghost.
But you know what? This year, I smartened up. I REFUSE to be made fun of by others. This year, I decided that only I am worthy of making fun of MYSELF.
Maybe its the excess bandwidth usage last month. Maybe its too many episodes of the Numa Numa Dance. But somehow I have an inexplicable urge to embarrass myself on the Internet, and perhaps scare away a few of’s readers in the process to save some bandwidth costs.
There are many well-known bloggers in the ‘blogosphere’ out there. They said that if you can’t beat them… then for fuck’s sake, beat them harder! With a baseball bat, perhaps.
So. Partially inspired by minishorts and the project, I decided that I’m gonna sacrifice my virginity dignity, put myself in their shoes, and see what its like if its ME and not THEM that’s famous.
Anyway, consider this my April Fool’s dedication.


Who better to start the ball rolling, than a fellow Sarawakian and controversial blogger, Poh Huai Bin of
Poh Huai Bin
Offensive yet intelligent. Controversial yet witty. If there ever were a blog version of the Ewan McGregor movie Trainspotting, would be it.
If there ever were going to be a blog version of “Dumb and Dumber”, would be it.
Me as Huai Bin
Note: the dilation of my pupils is not real, its photoshopped. The dilation of Huai Bin’s pupils however……. is also photoshopped.


Next on my list is the author of Screenshots, Jeff Ooi, Malaysia’s Most Influential Blogger. I don’t know why people call him that, but Jeff Ooi is definitely one of Malaysia’s best known blogger. Browse through any Malaysian blog and I guarantee you at least half of them will be linked to Jeff Ooi.
Jeff Ooi

I’m probably not that influential yet…
Me as Jeff Ooi
… but at least I’m trying.


I had thought about doing an imitation of Malaysia’s favourite erotic blogger, author of The Hustler Diaries, Mr Sleek Black Mercedes. However, the Hustler himself decided to keep his identity anonymous. Browsing through his site, I was unable to find anything resembling a photo of him except for an award he won which he proudly displayed on the sidebar of his blog.
Hustler Diaries

Impressive. That’s one thing I can forget about winning. I’ll probably be winning this instead.
Me as Hustler Diaries


I was going to stop here because I can’t think of anyone else worth spoofing. Then I thought, why stop at the guys?
Introducing Kimberlycun, owner of Malaysia’s smoothest pair of legs, and coincidentally the author of that fantastic blog with a fantastic title, “Narcissism Is Necessary”.
Kim Cun

Introducing… my legs.
Me as Kim Cun


I was going to stop here.
But once again, I thought “Why stop at Malaysia? Why not look at say, Singapore?”
Whilst Malaysia’s best known blogger is an uncle called Jeff Ooi, Singapore’s best known blogger is a babe called Xia Xue. Xia Xue is Wendy Cheng, someone who left thousands of ‘blogders’ a day wondering “Why are we worshipping the ground she blogs on?”
Xia Xue
The looks, the brains, the body. Man, I wish I can be like her sometimes. But alas, I think I’m just gonna “Xia Xuey” myself.
Xia Xuey


I hope I’m not gonna regret this when I look back 5 years later. Sorry I wasted your time with this half-arsed foolish entry.
The obligatory flame extinguisher: My apologies to the people above whom I’ve made a parody of. You have the right to be deeply offended because I’m not as pretty as you are. But hey, its the 1st of April! So please, chill… chill….
Added 3rd April 2005: I noticed there’s a lot of non-regular readers dropping by this page. I’d sincerely appreciate it if you leave me just a short comment, telling me who you are and all that stuff. You know, as a small token for my effort putting up this entry. Thanks in advance! 🙂
Technorati Tag: