So I asked the tuk-tuk driver, "Take me to the biggest and most popular massage place in Phuket." and he said "You want massage? I bring you go 'Christian Massage'."
Christian Massage? What kinda massage centre has a name called "Christian Massage"? Must be some kinda sick religious freaks they have in Thailand. I'm imagining them reciting passages from The Bible while massaging my feet. "Cast ye away every man muscle aches, back pain and sore feet. Improve ye blood circulation!"
I was still puzzled over that ridiculous name for a massage centre when I arrived at this humungous pink-purple building.
Ohhhh.... Christin Massage. My mistake.
So I happily entered the building, hopped up the staircase and then OMG!
What I saw was ROWS AND ROWS of scantily-clad heavily-made-up ladies sitting behind a huge glass window smiling and waving at me. KNNCCB. This is not a massage centre! I just walked into a friggin' BROTHEL!!!
WTF? Before the pimp can even talk to me I was already out the building cursing that damned tuk-tuk driver under my breath.
Only after some asking, searching and digging around that I finally settled for this place instead.
Let's Relax? Of course. And I never regretted coming here. This place is a complete contrast to that whore house that is Christin. Everything here exudes the first-class charm and all the hallmarks of a private sanctuary. I love it so much I ended up coming here twice in 3 days.
I walked in there and the receptionist politely greeted me Sawadeekarp. I gave her my credit card she said Sawadeekarp. I got my card back she said Sawadeekarp. Sometimes I dunno if she said Sawadeekarp or I wanna swipe your credit card.
The Thai massage [500baht/RM50] I had was absolutely out of this world. My masseuse knows all the right spots to hit. It was very relaxing. I had my limbs bent in the opposite direction God intended them to be. But it was well worth it.
Instantly I felt human again.
Of course, no trip in Thailand is complete without witnessing the sleazy nightlife that the tom-yum kingdom is famous for. After watched some Muay Thai action [700baht/RM70], it's time to explore the a-go-go bars.
It's a disappointment ok. There's nothing there but vaguely sexy girls dancing with vaguely erotic moves. Sorry but I wasn't turned on at all.
Heh, if I wanna see girls in skimpy outfits dancing like a slut I can just go for 'Ghetto Heaven' nights in Zouk KL. They're much better anyway.
There are easily more working girls than guys at night in Phuket. Walking around the red light district of Phuket, I don't know whether to feel happy or sad.
Happy because there are so many girls in itsy-bitsy-tiny clothings walking around. Sad because of the desperation and lengths these girls go through to try to secure a client.
I can't even walk from one end of the street to the other without having at least 3-4 freelance hookers all wanting to spend the night with me.
For the record, I wasn't up to any naughties while I was in Phuket. It's a bad idea to do that because:
(1) You don't want to bring back a disease as a souvenir.
(2) You wouldn't know whether the person you sleep with is a girl with a butt-ugly face, or a guy with really good make-up.
(3) Paying for sex is just... so wrong.
Regardless, sights like these around the red light district is pretty common.
It's Phuket Bike Week and there were huge groups of bikie gang members from Malaysia, Singapore and around the world congregating in this little island showing off their boy toys. At times, you'll see a sumo-sized American riding a Harley Davidson down the road, and a tiny Thai girl 1/5 his size sitting on the back.
As I walked into Tiger Entertainment, a very tall and manly transvestite grabbed me by the testicles to attract my attention. Hello? Whatever happened to tapping on my shoulders?
"Hiiii, I lab youuuu!" the tranny said as (s)he gave my balls a nice big rub. I have no idea why she said that. But I'm pretty sure she doesn't read kennysia.com and she's not one of my fan girls.
For lack of a better description, Tiger Entertainment is one sleazy dirty fucked up place.
I don't know how to describe it, but it's like a food court. Instead of individual stalls, they have bars. And each bar has their own army of girls who will go out of their way to make you pay for their overpriced drinks.
Found myself a bar where the girls were dressed up as schoolgirls and bought myself a beer [90baht/RM9].
It didn't take long for one of them to sit next to me and asked me to buy her a drink. 150 baht for a vodka orange. Out of courtesy I said ok lah.
She thanked me and before I knew it, the girl was sitting on my lap and licking on my ear. I was so excited, my Big Bird got bird flu.