Category: Around Malaysia

Coconut King

There’s this place in Penang that I find darn fascinating, especially for me.

On Abu Siti Lane, is a row of old colonial residential houses.
These are actual residential homes that people lived in before. You can see the interior of the house clearly partitioned to show where the living room is, the dining room is, and so on. But instead of having humans inside, these houses are filled with coconuts.

ROOMS after ROOMS full of coconuts! Flowing down the staircase, into the living room, out on the verandah. Nothing but piles and piles of coconuts, everywhere.
Never have I seen so many coconuts gathered into one place before, apart from the men’s changing room at the gym.

In front of each of these houses is a man holding a parang knife guarding the place.
You order what type of coconut you want from the guy (choice between standard or pandan coconut). He’ll pick up a random coconut from the pile and armed with his parang, he’ll skilfully chop up the coconut right then and there.

Part of the fun is watching how he’s able to slice up such a small object with such a huge knife. One wrong move and he could very well end up with his hand on the floor.
Look at how he hold his coconut. I wouldn’t recommend anyone to try this at home. Or anywhere else for that matter.

When he’s done, the guy will poke a straw in it so you can drink the coconut juice from it just like that.
When you’re done, you hand the coconut back to him and he’ll chop it up some more so you can savour the meat of the coconut.

He can carve a makeshift spoon out of the coconut shell for your convenience!
When you’re done eating the inside of the coconut, you can do some stupid things with it. Like making it your coconut bra.

And then you pose.

And then you pose some more.

And then you pose like you’re making love to the camera.

And then some guy come around and molest you.

And apparently, I got a little bit too sexcited ‘cos when everything is said and done, I accidentally left a stain on my shirt.


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Drama In Malacca

When I was in KL 2 weekends ago, I made an impromptu trip down to Malacca to pay a little visit.

Malacca is one of those places that you heard about a lot, but never really bother going down there because it’s a little out of the way. The place is really worth visiting though because it is the oldest town in Malaysia, and richly filled with romantic history and cultural heritage.

Malacca came about because legend has it that hundreds of years ago, a young Hindu prince by the name Parameswara was resting under a melaka tree when he saw a brave kancil deer kicking his angry dog into the river. Instead of taking revenge by shooting the deer and cooking it for dinner, the prince took it as a sign and name the place after the tree, calling it the Sultanate of Melaka.
Why the guy name the place after the tree instead of the animal remains a mystery to me. I guess if he were to name the place after the kancil, Malaccans today would be called Kancillians .

Around that time, Islam in Malacca was propogated here courtesy of the World’s Most Famous Explorer Without A Penis.
His name is Cheng Ho, a Chinese Muslim eunuch who worked hard to foster relations between China and Malacca. When he came, he built mosques in Malacca that look like palaces of ancient China as opposed to the giant onion structure we’re more accustomed to.

In return, we built him a giant statue right here in Kuching to commemorate his selfless sacrifice.

Malacca is a quaint little town with a character quite unlike any other cities I’ve been to in Malaysia. This historial city was once conquered by the Dutch, the Portugese and the British. The influences from those cultures on the buildings here gave the city a different and unique flavour.

This is Nicole Tan. She’s my host and tour guide during my trip to Malacca. Nicole is a masters degree student doing her research on video blogs. That’s kinda how we got in touch with each other.

During my first evening there, Nicole took me to this pasar malam place called “Jonker Walk”.
Heh, I thought the name “Jonker Walk” is really cute. It’s like, I can think of a tagline for for the Malaccan Tourism Board already – “Let’s Go Bonkers At Jonker!”

Although Malacca is better known for its history than its good food, I totally enjoyed eating the food here.
We had chicken rice balls for lunch at this place called “He Ji” at Jonker Walk. I’ve had Malaccan Chicken Rice Balls in Kuching before, but I never really understood what the obsession over chicken rice shaped into balls is all about.
That is, until I ate here.

Yummy chicken rice balls

OMG. It was the best meal I’ve ever had in a long time!
The chicken rice balls are glutinious and sticky but so full of flavour. Just dip it into the sweet chilli sauce and I’m in heaven.

Chicken rice balls make me happy

Hohoho… thinking about it makes me salivate all over my keyboard.
Even the 8tv crew likes this place. There’s this lifesize cardboard in front of the place promoting 8tv’s eating show. And while we’re there, a guy looking remarkably like cardboard cutout came around and took photos with the boss.

Seeing double

Whoa, like he just jumped out from the picture like that.
Anyway, another Malaccan dish I really like there is their chendol.

Isn’t that the most mouthwatering thing you have ever seen?
The dessert is served with a generous slathering of gula melaka. It has a sweet caramel-like texture and comes with a taste like no other.

This is ondeh-ondeh, a classic peranakan dessert made from glutinuous rice flour and filled with gula melaka on side. One bite, and the gulamelakalicious flavour explodes inside your mouth orgasmically.
Whoa, I wanna go back there already.

Everything in Malacca is so old and antiquey. Some of the stuff there has been around for so long, only people my mom’s age would recognise what they are.
I don’t even know what to call this thing.

In Hokkien, it’s called “Kok Kok Terng”. In English, this can only be translated as “Cock Cock Candy”.
So I bought a pack of “Cock Cock Candy” for my mom to try. It brought back a flood of memories for her.
Last time a pack of these cost 10 cents. Now, they charge people RM2 per pack.
She told me when she was a little girl, an uncle would come around in a bicycle yelling “COCK COCK CANDY~! WHO WANTS MY COCK COCK CANDY~!”.

Then kids from all over would run towards him. Armed with a small hammer and a crowbar, he’d knock out little pieces of his rock hard creation, and serve them to little kids.
I mean… serve the candy lah, what are you thinking?

If both her hands are off the steering wheel, who’s driving?

I wish I could stay a little longer in Malacca, but alas I gotta rush back to KL to attend an event. Still, I managed to get a taste of what Malacca is like in half a day. I got Nicole to thank for taking time off to bring me around.
She even taught me yoga, which bar none is the gayest exercise I have ever done. I am so traumatised.
To show her my sincere gratitude and appreciation, here’s a video I secretly took of an unsuspecting Nicole while she was busy entertaining herself singing George Michael’s “Wake Me Up Before You Go”.

I pissed myself laughing.

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Technology, Malaysian-Style

The Aquaria KLCC is real impressive.

This is possibly the first and only aquarium in the world that features a state-of-the-art ticketing system with cutting edge RFID sensing technology. These are chao-ji super-advanced wireless tickets can be purchased for RM28 at the cashier counters.

We Malaysians very high-tech, don’t use paper tickets one. Paper tickets are so 1997, only backwards countries like USA and Japan use them. Come, let’s all laugh at them.
You see, our chao-ji super-advanced wireless tickets are so damn powerful, you have to tap them on those Touch-N-Go panels in order to pass through the electronic entrance gates…

…then hand your used tickets over to the attendants loitering around the area. Just like paper tickets. But with Touch-N-Go technology. So high tech right?
Welcome to technology, Malaysian-style.

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Kuala Lumpur is probably the only city I know that has the word “Welcome” proudly displayed on their taxis, when in actual fact what they REALLY meant was…
“Welcome. Except when you want to go to Bangsar during peak hours, then you’re not welcome.”
“Welcome. Sure, I’ll drive you from Kelana Jaya LRT Station to One Utama. And you’re welcome to pay me an extra RM2 for that service. Meanwhile, I’ll pretend to ignore that bright yellow shuttle bus right in front of my taxi that’s gonna take you to your destination FOR FREE.”
“Welcome. Here at KL International Airport, our taxi drivers make you feel very welcome by loitering around the arrival hall, and making kissing sounds at you to draw your attention.”
“Welcome. I’m a taxi driver and I don’t know where Sheraton Hotel is despite the fact that it’s a major international hotel located right smack in the center of the city. No worries though, you’re still welcome onboard while I drive around the block pretending to know where it is, until I finally succumbed to my taxi driver ego and asked for directions.”
“Welcome. You’re welcome to load your own luggage into my car boot YOURSELF while I sit my lazy ass in the car not lifting a finger.”
“Welcome. Our taxis say ‘Bermeter’ (meter in use), but you are more than welcome to ignore that.”
“Welcome. Wait… what? You want to go to some ulu out-of-town suburb? Sorry, not welcome!”
“Welcome. I’m a multi-lingual taxi driver, and you are welcome to hear me swear, in 5 different languages, at that fucking pukima who just cut into my lane.”

Next time you take a taxi in our nation’s capital, be prepared to feel very, very welcome.

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