Every year on their birthdays, the State Governors in Malaysia give out presents on their own birthdays.
The birthday presents come in the form of state titles, or "Datuks". It is a major honour to be named "Datuk" by the State Governors. "Datuk" in Malaysia is the equivalent of "Sir" in the UK.
"Datuk" is also Malay for "Grandpa". Actually, no one knows for sure why they wanna reward people by calling them "Grandpa", but I think it's because the State Governor doesn't wanna feel too old on his birthday.
Recently in Malacca, their State Governor took the unusual step to award Datukship to famous Indian actor Shahrukh Khan.
The reason they gave was that a few years ago, Shahrukh Khan (of Kuch Kuch Hotha Hai fame) filmed a movie in Malacca and many tourists visited the place as a result. A lot of people wasn't happy because they thought that it doesn't make sense to give such an important state title to a foreigner who hadn't really done that much for us anyway.
However, I for one would like to state that kennysia.com 100% supports giving Datukship to Shahrukh Khan!
Meanwhile in Sarawak, our State Governor's birthday is coming in a few days time.
I thought, while we were on a roll giving out state titles to foreign actors, perhaps I could add one more suggestion on who else to award the "Datuk" title to.
Well, there could only be one person.
Now I know what you're thinking. What exactly has Jessica Alba done for Sarawak anyway?
Well, to that I say, PLENTY!
A lot of people do not know this. But many, many years ago before Jessica Alba became famous starring in big movies like Sin City and Fantastic Four, this sweet-looking Hollywood actress was actually in Sarawak filming a very low budget unknown movie called The Sleeping Dictionary.
Yes, Jessica Alba, one of the sexiest women in the world, was in my home state of Sarawak, perhaps even in my own back yard filming a movie. And I didn't even get to meet her! *#&^$@!
You see, The Sleeping Dictionary wasn't exactly a well-known movie even in the US.
It didn't even get released in the cinemas, going straight to DVDs instead. For that reason, a lot of Sarawakians never knew about the movie. It is a real pity, because it is not everyday that one of the biggest names from Hollywood come here to do a movie.
But make no mistake about it, this is indeed a very "special" movie. It's way better than whatever that One Two Ka Four movie that Shahrukh Khan did. So if his stupid movie can earn him a Datuk title, then I say The Sleeping Dictionary should at least earn Jessica Alba AT LEAST a Datuk, a Datuk Seri, a Tan Sri, a Tun and an Oscar all at one night.
And I'll tell you why she deserves it.
For those who haven't watched the movie, The Sleeping Dictionary has pretty much copy-and-pasted the script from the Disney movie Pocahontas.
In short, British white boy with a stiff upper lip goes deep inside the jungles of mystical Asian country, falls in love with a local native girl, then defies all customs and conventions to be with her.
But that's where the similarities end.
First of all, the native Iban girl is played by none other than Jessica Alba.
Nevermind the fact that Jessica Alba is the most angmoh-looking Iban girl in the whole Sarawak. Just accept that JESSICA ALBA = IBAN ok?
Secondly, while every other Iban girl in the movie wears a traditional one-piece sarong, Jessica Alba's outfit is a sexy modern two-piece sarong designed to show off her bodacious bod!
As if those two reasons are not good enough to call immediately her "Datuk Jessica Alba", check out the kickass story line.
In the movie, the white boy's mission to educate the uncivilised Iban villagers. At the same time, white boy is introduced to Jessica Alba, who happens to be his designated "Sleeping Dictionary".
What exactly is a "Sleeping Dictionary"?
This is where it gets interesting.
A "Sleeping Dictionary" is a local girl whose job it is to teach white boy everything he needs to know about the Iban culture and language... BY HAVING SEX WITH HIM!
Now isn't that awesome?! A missionary from London went to Sarawak, but ended up in a missionary position instead?
Of course, how exactly she plans on teaching him the Iban culture and language by sleeping with him is the biggest mystery of all time.
Maybe Jessica Alba's pussy is a USB port and white boy's dick is a USB cable, then when he's plugged into her he can download all the information onto his "external hard drive".
So anyway, after white boy pumped his "Sleeping Dictionary" long and hard, suddenly he found out that he had learnt a new language through Jessica Alba's vagina. Behold the mighty power of the pussy!
Kinda reminded of this Aussie guy I once knew who dated a Japanese girl. Before this, he was just like any other Aussie guy I knew.
After just two months of dating this Japanese girl, suddenly he was spurting out crap like "kimochi" and "bukkake". So I guess it really worked.
There were plenty of sex scenes in this movie which is extremely rare for a movie set in Malaysia.
Of course as far as the storyline goes, eventually white boy fell in love with the girl, adopt the local customs and gradually let go his British stiff upper-lip demeanour.
Apparently all the stiffness went down to his other body part.
So with a story line THIS good, how can you NOT give Datukship to the sexy sultry Jessica Alba?
If we promoted The Sleeping Dictionary right enough, I bet ya tons of tourists will be flocking into Sarawak wanting to learn a new language!
And when that happens, we'll all be asking, "Datuk Shahrukh WHO?"
Give us DATUK JESSICA ALBA!