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Thursday, 03 February 2005

Cutting Away Depression

This is going to be one helluva graphic entry and its not for the faint hearted. If you can't stand blood, gore, and filthy images. Please bail out now.






Lately I have been hearing stories of how people (usually girls) cut themselves when they are/were going through bouts of depression. The 'experts' call it self-harm, self-injury, or self-abuse, which also includes all sorts of other behaviour that inflict pain and damage serious enough to cause scarring on one's body. These are usually done to make oneself 'feel better'.

Cuts on the forearm

I first learnt about cutting when I was really young, probably about 13 or 14 years old. I read in the newspaper how two lesbian lovers from St Teresa's Secondary School carved each others name on their thighs with a pen knife. My reaction that time, predictably, was "Siao ah!".

I first saw the act of cutting when I watched Annabel Chong's documentary last year. Annabel Chong, after falling victim to gang rape in London, and after being screwed by 252 men* free of charge in breaking the Guinness Book of Records, we see her as a nervous wreck. (*clarification: 251 who did it physically, plus the one director who screwed her out of the US$12,000 appearance fee, which was supposed to be for her University tuition fees.) I watched, as Annabel Chong used a knife and slitted the anterior of her forearm on camera. "I feel numb. I just wanted to feel... something." she explained.

The act of cutting has often been misunderstood. "They're doing it just to seek attention lah!" "They must be crazy to cut themselves." I doubt cutting is attention-seeking, because most cutters hide their wounds by wearing love sleeve or cut themselves in places not normally seen, like on the thighs. And also, it turns out that cutting isn't something that only happens to crazy people. Lately, I have known perfectly sane people - people that I know personally - who cuts themselves as a way to cope with stress and depression. One described it as sad, yet beautiful in a way - beautiful because its something she can control, unlike her moods.

Cuts on the leg

I don't exactly know what triggered their depression and motivated them to cut themselves. Abuse by loved ones in the past is most likely a significant factor. One theory was that they were beaten up or abused when they were young when they did something wrong, so it would almost be like they expected to be abused when something overwhelming goes wrong in their life, although it might be things that are not within their control. They cut themselves to be in control. Of course that's just generalising. There are teenagers who cut themselves simply because 'everyone else is doing it, like smoking'. They did it for social acceptance.

Some people grow out of it, like a temporary phase in life that when you matured and you just stopped doing it. Unfortunately some people don't. That's dangerous because people who cuts themselves are usually suicidal as well. I guess it is important that people seek help when they find themselves self-harming. Talking to a trusted person or a loved one about it seem to help, and seeking professional help from a psychiatrist should definitely be considered as well. Consider taking up a religion (no, not those satanic ones) and start reciting prayers because that seemed to have helped a lot of people. Cutting yourself is a behaviour that hurts not only yourself, but the people around you as well. They are hurt too when you put that knife to your arm. You have already been through so much, and you have been hurt so much - why inflict more pain on yourself and on the people around you? I do hope you look at life in the face, grabbing life by the balls and show them who's in control. And I wish you all the best in recovering.

Knife

The whole thing just make me cringe, yet I feel sorry for them. I wanted to help them but I do not know what to do. I tried to imagine myself back when I was 17 or 18, and the times before I met Nicole. I felt low because of a variety of reasons - I can't find acceptance within my group of friends, I felt the pressure of keeping up with my studies, I felt tied up by the lack of freedom given by my parents. I remembered my bouts of 'depression' if you want to call it that way, and the thought of cutting myself never even once went through my head. Yet I pulled it through. Everytime I feel low, I go to the gym with a stomach full of rage and anger, armed with earphones filled with pumping music, and then I just take it all out on the weights, go home to bed with an body overdosed with endorphins, and wake up the next day with sore muscles all over my body. So, I guess I was abusing myself in a way - except I was injuring my muscles instead of the surface of my skin. ;) Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger - that's true.

I'd like to hear from you. Have you ever cut yourself? If so, what was going through your mind when you do it? What triggered you to do it? If not, how did you cope with stress and depression when it hits you? Please leave comments, and remember that you may remain anonymous if you want. I would love to hear your side of the story.

I leave you with a quote, so gross yet so true, courtesy of the philosopher Kim. (That girl has been churning out quotes after quotes like Confucius.) Artwork by yours truly. Feel free to spread it around. :)

Life is a shit hole, you just gotta find the flush handle

114 Comments

Unregistered

Well...even though I give the excuses, alot of people know what it is really. I have 27 cuts on my arm and they are going to there for a long long time.

It was during a time in my life that the emotional pain was way more than anything I have every experienced even last time (I have more cuts on my upper arm back in high school). It's just to feel the pain that I can actually seeand watch myself bleed rather than keeping something so painful inside that I can't touch or see.

It's a habit that only comes when I have no one left to turn to and something emotionally catastriphic happens.

On the plus side though...it nice to feel the cut for a few days after you cut yourself. It becomes some sort of comfort for me to feel and rub the swollen lines.

Unregistered

Well...even though I give the excuses, alot of people know what it is really. I have 27 cuts on my arm and they are going to there for a long long time.

It was during a time in my life that the emotional pain was way more than anything I have every experienced even last time (I have more cuts on my upper arm back in high school). It's just to feel the pain that I can actually seeand watch myself bleed rather than keeping something so painful inside that I can't touch or see.

It's a habit that only comes when I have no one left to turn to and something emotionally catastriphic happens.

On the plus side though...it nice to feel the cut for a few days after you cut yourself. It becomes some sort of comfort for me to feel and rub the swollen lines.

Unregistered

You've covered this topic intelligently... Many people wonder why people hurt themselves? Unfortunately not many people could really pin down the specific answer.

I, myself, was once a cutter and if people ask me today why did I cut myself, I don't know if I could give them the right answer. I could relate to Anna Chong's statement about being numb and the desperate need to feel something. But that's not all... I believe there are more things involved. In my case, it's anger... not towards myself but towards others... you see, people always confused cutting with Self-Hate, but the act of self-injury are more commonly triggered by self-love rather than self-hate. Most people cut to show their anger to the people around them... Most people cut in order to free themselves from the real world.. They hurt themselves to feel better... and that is self-love.

But I am not a psychologist, and my cutting was inspired by depression (the suicidal variety). I believe that suicidal people are the most self-centered human being in the universe. But I am not going to explain that theory here because I am very sure that commentbox have words limit... I am sorry if I didn't make any sense to you.

Unregistered

You've covered this topic intelligently... Many people wonder why people hurt themselves? Unfortunately not many people could really pin down the specific answer.

I, myself, was once a cutter and if people ask me today why did I cut myself, I don't know if I could give them the right answer. I could relate to Anna Chong's statement about being numb and the desperate need to feel something. But that's not all... I believe there are more things involved. In my case, it's anger... not towards myself but towards others... you see, people always confused cutting with Self-Hate, but the act of self-injury are more commonly triggered by self-love rather than self-hate. Most people cut to show their anger to the people around them... Most people cut in order to free themselves from the real world.. They hurt themselves to feel better... and that is self-love.

But I am not a psychologist, and my cutting was inspired by depression (the suicidal variety). I believe that suicidal people are the most self-centered human being in the universe. But I am not going to explain that theory here because I am very sure that commentbox have words limit... I am sorry if I didn't make any sense to you.

Unregistered

I think I did it because:

1. My parents used to hit me alot until I was 12. And therefore, must punish myself for thinking of hurting myself. Very contradicting.

2. Wanted to kill myself but cannot, so cutting is something to replace the suicide thoughts.

3. Need to feel something. Anything. Need to concentrate on something else other than whatever it is that is troubling me.

4. Maybe I'm just a sado-masochist.

5. Maybe it's something else. Haven't really figured it out yet.

I can't believe I'm commenting about this at work. I feel like I'm going to get caught, even for thinking about it. Like Big Brother is watching everywhere in 1984.

Unregistered

I think I did it because:

1. My parents used to hit me alot until I was 12. And therefore, must punish myself for thinking of hurting myself. Very contradicting.

2. Wanted to kill myself but cannot, so cutting is something to replace the suicide thoughts.

3. Need to feel something. Anything. Need to concentrate on something else other than whatever it is that is troubling me.

4. Maybe I'm just a sado-masochist.

5. Maybe it's something else. Haven't really figured it out yet.

I can't believe I'm commenting about this at work. I feel like I'm going to get caught, even for thinking about it. Like Big Brother is watching everywhere in 1984.

Unregistered

Oh, I forgot. I learnt a couple of techniques on how to release stress/help sleep/etc when I was seeing a psychiatrist. Alot of it has to do with controlling your breathing.

Anyone needs to know more in depth can contact me (go comment on my site or something, not giving out email).

I never really used them because I thought they were a load of crap. But I heard that it helped alot of other people, so maybe it might help someone out there too.

Unregistered

Oh, I forgot. I learnt a couple of techniques on how to release stress/help sleep/etc when I was seeing a psychiatrist. Alot of it has to do with controlling your breathing.

Anyone needs to know more in depth can contact me (go comment on my site or something, not giving out email).

I never really used them because I thought they were a load of crap. But I heard that it helped alot of other people, so maybe it might help someone out there too.

Unregistered

i've seen my friends doing it in high school and i've never been able to understand their psyche and their motivations of doing it...yet, neither do they. i suppose you don;t really think about it when you do it..feelings and sensory perceptions would usually overwhelms everything and leave room for nothing else...hence while it's easy for the non-doers to help,advise or condemn, i bet it's not easy for the doers to take a look at the bigger picture...hopefully they're able to find their own way out..slowly but surely..

Unregistered

i've seen my friends doing it in high school and i've never been able to understand their psyche and their motivations of doing it...yet, neither do they. i suppose you don;t really think about it when you do it..feelings and sensory perceptions would usually overwhelms everything and leave room for nothing else...hence while it's easy for the non-doers to help,advise or condemn, i bet it's not easy for the doers to take a look at the bigger picture...hopefully they're able to find their own way out..slowly but surely..

Unregistered

Thank you for sharing your stories. It certainly gave me an insight into your mind. Like Kher Ying said, its usually difficult for non-doers to understand what was going through your minds when you did it. But as I said, life is a shithole and everyone goes through period of overwhelming difficulty - even to the points of being suicidal. I myself had been through a few. I guess there are a lot of healthier ways of overcoming emotional pain, because frankly speaking cutting yourself seriously freaks your loved ones out. And yet, these are the people you need more than ever to help you overcome your emotional crisis, and to help you see that yes there are indeed light at the end of the tunnel and yes you can stand on your own two feet and take on the world. Loved ones being your family, your existing friends or even friends you have not yet discovered.

If you are still cutting yourself, I do hope that you seek alternate ways of venting frustration and communicating emotions. There's always someone out there who will listen to you, so please shout out.

Unregistered

Thank you for sharing your stories. It certainly gave me an insight into your mind. Like Kher Ying said, its usually difficult for non-doers to understand what was going through your minds when you did it. But as I said, life is a shithole and everyone goes through period of overwhelming difficulty - even to the points of being suicidal. I myself had been through a few. I guess there are a lot of healthier ways of overcoming emotional pain, because frankly speaking cutting yourself seriously freaks your loved ones out. And yet, these are the people you need more than ever to help you overcome your emotional crisis, and to help you see that yes there are indeed light at the end of the tunnel and yes you can stand on your own two feet and take on the world. Loved ones being your family, your existing friends or even friends you have not yet discovered.

If you are still cutting yourself, I do hope that you seek alternate ways of venting frustration and communicating emotions. There's always someone out there who will listen to you, so please shout out.

Unregistered

emm never cut myself or experience seeing anyone doing so. dont think ill ever do it cos err i fear pain.

how i vend my frustration? just being with friends or people around me. i dont usually get frustrated alot. i talk to people or friends tell them bout what ive been going through, they are usually there to help me.

maybe im just a lucky girl who never experienced such frustration in life. blogging is good too!

Unregistered

emm never cut myself or experience seeing anyone doing so. dont think ill ever do it cos err i fear pain.

how i vend my frustration? just being with friends or people around me. i dont usually get frustrated alot. i talk to people or friends tell them bout what ive been going through, they are usually there to help me.

maybe im just a lucky girl who never experienced such frustration in life. blogging is good too!

Unregistered

i dont know but sometimes thier heads hurt so much until they need to abuse themselves in order to transfer the mental pain to physical pain. in a way to distract the mental pain. hmmm..

seems that u pretty much like visiting my site, you're the 2nd of top ten visitors im my list u know... =)
thanks for dropping by, yeah. =)
take care kenny!

Unregistered

i dont know but sometimes thier heads hurt so much until they need to abuse themselves in order to transfer the mental pain to physical pain. in a way to distract the mental pain. hmmm..

seems that u pretty much like visiting my site, you're the 2nd of top ten visitors im my list u know... =)
thanks for dropping by, yeah. =)
take care kenny!

Unregistered

ThunderFoxy - Gee you made me sound like I'm some stalker! I have a bookmark full of blogs that I visit a couple of times a day, and yours is one of them that's all. :)

Unregistered

It's a terrible thing to be so emotionally drained. Although personally I have never cut myself, I was bulimic for a period of time. I suppose the psychological damage is drawn from different sources for each individual who undertakes such (unhealthy) activities; however I know for myself, health was not even a concern at that point in time.

In the end, it's all about the process of maturing. Every experience, whether it started off as easy or difficult, will have a positive conclusion, that is the emotional // physical growth of the person involved.

I think you have covered the topic with a lot of depth and it was made a most interesting read.

Cheers.

Bek

Unregistered

Hey hey hey, dat stalker thingy never came across my mind, aight?

don worry. =)

i love reading yer blog and will always do.

Unregistered

Hi Kenny,

I had a friend back in high school who gets very aggressive when angry and had alot of mood swings. He used to share his problems with me and to this day, we remain good friends. Once on the phone, we were talking and he told me about this 'special knife' he had. It's old, dirty and rusted. He told me that he cut himself with them, along his thighs and his arms and I just didn't understand it. I burst out crying because I was so frightened. I had no idea what 'cutting' was. He even said, "Didn't you notice my scars?" and I said No. The next day in school, he showed me his scars which was hidden by his sleeves. It made me really sad. I didn't know how to help him. A few days later I came across an article in a magazine about cutting. That was when I understood why he did it but also knew he needed help. I gave him that article and told him to think about getting help.

That was a few years ago. I doubt he went to get help that was needed. It would seem abit awkward to ask "Are you still cutting?" I do chat with him once in a while to see how he is and lately he seems quite contented although at times abit lonely. I wished there was more that I could do but really, what more could we do if they refuse to help themselves first?

eavie

Unregistered

yeah issues of self-harm often puzzle us.. why would one want to cut himself up in order to feel better.. i remember reading an article whereby the girl claimed that 'pain is good'.. and i wonder had she been reading Da Vinci Code..

btw, the last pic was gross.. you spoiled my supper :(

Unregistered

i cut myself bcoz it feels good. good 2 vent out my frustration. good 2 let out d perpetual rage 8 myslf n d world. good 2 c d blood ooze out and drip. n d pain distracts me fr d inner empty ache. like i tol u b4, it's 2 release o d unbearable emotions b4 it drives me crazy, o 2 kill myslf. so in a way, cuttin is a way 2 save myslf fr my inner demons.

it's been shown tht sum ppl cut bcoz it releases endorphins. i agree. i feel a odd kinda high whn i've finished scorin myslf w my knife. like xhilarated, mayb euphoric. n i do like pain, look 8 my tatts n piercings haha.

like eavie's frn, i've my own blade 4 doin tht, jz tht it's a sharp shiny swiss army blade. it's beautiful 2 c bright metal slide through flesh so easily. it soothes me.

but dun get me wrong, i'm not condonin tis s a great way 2 release stress, in fact i'm against it, n desp 2 stop. tis is jz my pt of view on d matter..

Unregistered

Karen - I think most cutters believe that what they are doing is not good. But you're correct, they themselves need to *want* to make the change first, and then we as friends can help them along the way. You do check back on your friend, because you may be the only person standing between his sanity and his suicidal thoughts.

Bek - Sadly, that's assuming that they do grow out of it. :( Just wondering, what made you stop? Or was it just one of those things that you woke up one day and realise that you don't want to be a bulimic anymore?

MunKit - Sorry about your supper! Heh.

Irene - Thanks for the very graphic insight... I do hope that you stop soon as well, for the sake of yourself, your babyboy and the people around you. :)

Unregistered

my ex did this before and i asked him why? he said it felt good at the time. he also said that it was because when he was fighting with his gf at that time he would do this to release the anger inside him so that he wont harm her or something like that lah.

i told him never to do it ever again and he never did.

Unregistered

for a while now i have been cutting, most people say they dont know why people like me do it, honestly sometimes i dont even know. but when i do know why its cuz i feel out of control, i cant control my emotions, i cant control anything but my razor blade, as a lot of peoble who seek help, i to went to therapy, i was in a hospital, i tried to get help, i sougt out friends help my mothers help, nothing worked for me, now im even on medications, even they dont work, i cut myself for a few reasons
1. i enjoy the feeling, it makes me feel like there are other things that can hurt me beside my depression.
2. its the only thing, i feel i can do, wen im hurting
3.i like the feeling after a week or so of were the cuts have 1ce been, the healing scabs, helps me know that things are going to get better, they mostly always will.
4.I JUST STRAIGHT UP LIKE THE FEELING
5.i like scars
I AM IN NO WAY SUICIDAL, LIKE MOST PEOPLE THINK CUTTERS ARE!!!!!!(i had to clearify this)

just last night i cut myself 12 times and the week before, 9 times, last night i cut myself over something stupid, but see i am so EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE that the smallest things will trigger my pain, i did it cuz my boyfriend of 4 years, my high school love, my first love, my first everything, full out DUMPED me, he was not nice about it, he didnt try to explain anything, all he did was drop off every thing i had given him and all my stuff i had left at his house on purpose, in a bag with a note. that was it we were over.
i remember 1ce back in my freshman year of high school i cut my self because i kissed a boy while i had a boyfriend, all it was, a harmless little tap kiss, I MADE MORE OF A BIG DEAL THEN HE DID.
i dont think i will stop cutting, err well not for a while, i cant help it. i have thought of stopping many times, at 1 point i even thought i was over my "phase" but no.

so ya there is wut i have to say.

krissi

p.s.
i have a comment to make about the last secion of what Madderhad to say on February 3, 2005,
i totally agree with you that sucidal people are selfish, and why, is because there not thinking of how them taking there life is going to affect the people around them, they just care about putting there pian to an end, when all there doing is cozing so much more pain to the people around him.
FOR EXAMPLE:
i've had two friends who took there lives, 1 beacause she wanted to end her pain, and her boyfriend cheated on her, and the other because it was her sister who had taken her life.

my room is literally dedicated to them both for they were my closest friends, we went through every thing together.


ok now im done, thank you for your time to help me feel better!!

Unregistered

i am a cutter too. I have them all down my arms and legs. People have told me to stop but you know what? They don't understand how much hurt I have been through. My parents have abandoned me and I just don't see any sign of a future right now. So I don't feel like stopping anytime soon

Unregistered

I lately have been having fantaies about blood, it's been seeming buitiful.I have ADD so stimulents have a reverse affect on me they act somewhat like a depresent,but its not i just dont wanna do anything but im not hi or stoned. When i have these fantasies i like to refer back to a song I like because I would love to relate to- it its slow motion by third eye blind- and in the song this guy murders his buddy over money (his life is a drug filled atmosphere) and he gets with this girl and snorts some coke, and he says how buitiful the blood looked.I know I thought it was extreme too then i started getting these fantasies and oh......
it would be buitiful that dark but light colored blood.For anyone who cuts themselves get some downers and go to sleep with them but stop cutting yourself (i see how bad it is but i dont understand why i enjoy watching mabe its my addictive personality that i enherited from my dad....) oh yea god worshipers are gullibal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


if you could get this out please do but make sure you say 'fenske' said it

Unregistered

and it's addictive .

Unregistered

I'm a very timid person. Thats not to say that I am not sociable or frenly. It's jus that I don dare to object when ppl insist that I do things their way n I don dare to lash back at them when they are being horrible to me. I usually endure things that I don like quietly.

It wasn like this when I was small. I was quite bossy as a child n other kids parents would approach me to give me stern warnings.

When I first step into secondary school, I got involved in some disciplinary problem. I became very notorious, the teachers treat me with prejudice n all my frenz left me. I cried at school almost everyday. n I didn even know that crying in public is jus so very wrong. I jus felt horrible. I kept asking my parents to let me switch school but all they did was yell n hit me.

Then I started to read about books on depression n I learnt bout how ppl cut themselves to cope with depression. I decided to try it out. It felt good, I'm in control. Everytime someone or something makes me angry or frustrated, I'd cut myself.

I don cut myself very deep most of the time, n when it doesn scar, I feel even angrier. So I keep cutting. There was even one occasion when I scrapped the skin of my knuckles using a paper cutter. Unfortunately, it didn scar as well. I'm still disappointed about it.

At first, I hid it from everyone around me, now, most ppl who know me knows about it. either I admitted or they guessed. I remember how my mom got to know about it. I told her. I don remember exactly what led to me telling her that, but I know that I was very angry with her then becoz she never hears me out. N I jus told her, u never care bout how I feel, do u even know why I've slits all over my arm...

It's almost two years now.

Lately, I've been trying to kil myself, but I'm very scared. Not of the dying fact but of the amount of blood thats going to spill out if I dig the razor too deep. So, I'm still alive at the moment.

My mother is now very concern about me. I know she loves me even tho she was ignorant of how I feel in the past. I love her too. But will love prevail?

Unregistered

I cut myself because my mother said I only loved her because she kept the family together, because she did things for the family. She said I wouldn't love her if she were an irresponsible mother. She said I never really loved her purely because she was my mother.

She said all that on her birthday.

So I thought, what a shitty daughter I am.
Then I realised, I never never knew how to love my mother, other than for the simple fact that she was my mother.

Other mothers complained of not being appreciated for the stuff they do for their family, not being loved, not having their efforts see. My mother screamed at me for loving her for those reasons and more.

Sobbing to my father didn't help. Talking to my boyfriend then didn't help too. Couldn't turn to diverting my attention to studies cos...well, my studies then were pretty much lacking.

So I took up a blade and started cutting myself. It made me feel better - my physical pain threshold is very high. My emotional self is fragile. Between a pain I could bear, and one I couldn't, the choice was easy.

Went for my AO Level Chinese paper the next morning with swollen eyes and alot of medicated plaster around my wrist. Whenever anyone asked, I'd say I had an unfortunate brush with a very thorny and resilient plant. Little did they know I was talking abt my mother.

Unregistered

much like faith's mom, i had issues about being loved. except this was about me. i felt very unloved. i knew for a fact that i was an embarassment to my parents, as much as i was a source of pride. being both is a very torturous existence. i felt that the only reason i was loved was because i was their son, rather than because they loved me for me. i still think so, but it doesn't really matter anymore.

no, didn't cut myself. did something similar: peeled scabs. i have very thin skin, and prone to eczema. injured easily, and the endorphin rush from torn skin just gave that high. it's kinda like an addiction. yeah. badly scarred. it's kinda obvious. whatever.

suicidal, definitely. ever since i was 12, i'd spend almost every morning waking up wishing i never existed, although there was no clear reason why. was doing great in school. no need to 'study' or anything, and grades were higher than average. i had a decent pool of friends, though i found out later that most were there to leech homework. only my looks were a total wreck, badly overweight, bad skin (as you probably guessed), and the like, but looks weren't a concern then. it got worse when i was 17.

went into some severe subconcious state of depression at the end of last year. all my friends noted the sudden change. cleared out. entire personality shift. still have that bad addiction, but it's a willpower thing.

guess what i'm trying to say is that cutting yourself takes more than one form, and it's not really fair to call anyone stupid, or selfish or anything (though my mom does) just because they do unusual or 'dangerous' things like this. it's better to find out why. treat the symptoms if you can't cure the disease. but make sure the treatment is a lesser evil than the disease.

great blog, kenny. love it.

Unregistered

Iam 14 I started cutting 4months ago. It helps me forget about the way I feel , and calms me down and it also helps get rid of anger sadness etc. I told my best friend about it and he told my dad now im in thearpy and on pills non of those things help much i still cut and do not want to stop.

Unregistered

it all started when I broke up with my first "serious" bf. I was quite sad. I decide to crave his initial on my hand.
I felt better.

2nd break up (with another guy) was the wrong timming. My friends and my parents have no time for me, I felt damn depressed. I crumbled. countless sucial attempts. One moment I seemed all happy, next I'll burst into tears. I was badly looking for acceptence from other classmates then too.
Then I totaly stopped going to the doctor cause I felt it's a waste of money.

I didn't just wake up one day and feel alright. Lots of love needed. Confidence to be built up over allover again. Even till now, although I seemed a little stronger, I still break down once in a while.

Currently, I have blogs that I write all my feelings, I don't break down that often anymore.

BLOGGING RULES. :)

Unregistered

thanks for this entry and letting me know that I am not alone

Unregistered

I cut myself often starting when I was 12 until I was around 16. I battled with depression and it made me feel detached and in control. I felt like I was above it all. And it did feel good. (strangely so) I talked to a therapist at school when I was 15. She asked if I ever cut myself. I said yes. She told me that people cut themselves when they are in emotional pain. Emotional pain is hard to identify, but if you cut yourself you can say there's my pain. It is a physical manifestation of your pain. I did not cut myself again. Although I do admit I allowed a boyfriend to cut me once. It left a nasty scar and it is so humiliating to carry with me. I am 26 and recently started having another bout with depression. I do admit there are times that I think about cutting but I have not done it and I doubt I will. I have children to think about now.

Unregistered

There have been so many shitty things that have happened to me so i started out depressed

Then the depression turned into self hate. i had to punish myself for being, ugly, stupid, mean, or anything wrong because my father would always blame me for everything that went wrong

anyways it doesn't make me feel better in the long term, but for the moment when i see the blood i forget about everything.

It too is something for me to do to punish me for thinking of killing myself. suicidal thoughts are so self centered. i get mad at myself for only thinking of me. so basicaly it can be so many things.

I go get help, and i'm trying to stop, but right now i dont know what else to do

Unregistered

I have had bouts of cutting when I was teenage and thought I had overcome it. The depression never really went away though. Lately I have had more stress than usual. Yesterday was extremely stressful and the depression took over. It was the first time in over 6 yrs. that I had cut myself. At the time it feels rewarding as you can take pain out of your head and watch it heal.
It's really a sick form of dealing, but it's a good quick-fix. after it's healed, sometimes the pain is gone and other times it stays so you continue to cut. To see the blood is a confirmation that you have some control over something. I hope I can quit again for good.

Unregistered

i remember when i first met my hubby in college. he had these scars on his knuckles... all ten of them. he said he hit a wall out anger & frustration after he was rejected by a girl he had a crush on. I made him swear from that day onwards that he would never do anything to harm himself, should he lose me. he promised alright, but 9 yrs & a marriage down the road, i don't know if he can still keep that promise if i were to leave him someday.

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hey. i am a cutter too...didnt realise at that time that theres a club. i cut myself because i cant bear the depression caused by my ex's accusations. i feel guilty as hell and have changed my life completely but i still get accused and every time she screams at me ..because its her i start cutting myself ..i need to do that to keep listening ...and in a way i feel like killing myself but cutting is the best alternative. ive stopped counting. have cuts all over..usually left shin and thighs. its so eerie to realise that soo many people do it for the same reasons..to feel, to have the power to control..it calms me down..makes me feel human again. in this self destructive phase..it makes me feel powerful... and in the mornign after, the shower reminds me of the night fight..like an ugly reminder... i dont think id cut myself out of depression..caused by anything else..but i am sucked into this guilt trip compounded by my own guilt, love, loneliness, depression, lack of self esteem that i cant seem to break away and i cant seem to stop cutting myself. i try to make her really happy but that doesnt work because the anger doesnt go away.

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Hello everybody,...to hear about this cutting thing really scares me. I guess i am lucky enough not to be exposed to all this stuff and have a happy life so far,...but i can understand that ther HAS to be a reason why this oh-so-true phenomenon is occuring and to hear Kenny say that it happened in St Thresa , a local school here in Kch,...then it makes it even more scary. I wish u all well and hope you can stop doing these things. Perhaps a solution is finding a different way to de-stress instead of inflicting bodily-harm on yourself. I have a friend who used to hurt himself also when he was frustrated and it was nothing to laugh about. He scratched his whole arm until something like a gutter was formed so you imagine. It't not cutting but it's scratching...and i belief there was a scar for some time,...When asked why he does such things, the reply was so that he doesn't hurt other people.

Sighs,...i just wish all the best to everyone suffering out there and may you get well soon.

Cheers and Merry christmas(yeah it's one day after xmas but who cares! :) )

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I cut because when i was younger i was abused by my father... my mother was never there for me... and now i got a child of my own and i am only 16... lately i have been cutting myself because the father of my child doesnt want anything to do with either of us and when he does come around all he wants is sex from me... i live with his family now and he moved down the street... my family hates me for it and i hear about it everyday... it like i cant do anything right... so to keep my mind off of what everyone is saying and yelling at me i cut... i havent told many people but if it werent for my beautiful 6 month old daughter... i wouldnt be alive right now... ive thought about suicide a lot and she is the only thing that is keeping me alive right now... "i wish that people didnt care... then it wouldnt be so hard to leave!!"

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I am glad ppl are starting to understand SI or cutting. When I was 14 I developed severe depression, because my parents emotional neglect to fail to see depression, or didn't want to see it. I had a pretty good life, but my depression went untreated, and I felt alone, even with lots of friends..I used to take a razor cut a slit, put stuff to heal, and as i watched the slit heal I felt better. My parents never knew one night I went to deep and got 6 stitches. Then they found out and I went to a psyc. Got meds, but continued to cut sometimes, sometimes small ones, bigger ones. I ended up with 2 overdoses and almost died. I was off meds since 17. At 27 I was back because my son had behavior problems. I a now 30 the mother of one son 10. I have a college degree, but within the last month I have had some really bad says, even though I take my meds I have started cutting again. Only a few times, It just makes the emotional hurt go away I feel. I have shared this with my therapist and am going to work on not doing it anymore. But for those who read this we are not crazy, it is just a type of healing someone with depression or anxiety understands. In total since 14 those scars are faded but still there, I have 24 marks from cutting, not as many as some, but enough for me and why I did it. So it's not the best healthy way to cope with problems, but sometimes we don't see it that way. I hope this is useful for someone.

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Self harm isnt always accompanied by depression or suicidal intent. I started self harming at 12. When something bad happened I couldnt cry or talk about it, but would start to feel dizzy panicky and out of control. As soon as I hurt myself I would feel calm and much better.
There is a medical explanation for this, its the release of endorphins by the body when its in pain to help you recover and get out of danger. It became a daily habit and the scars dont disappear.
I stopped selfharming 6 years later when I finally sought cognitive behaviour therapy. There is good help out there, I advise everyone who suffers to look for it.

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I am a cutter when:
1) I feel guilt (aspecially when I've annoyed my boyfriend)
2) I feel lonely or misunderstood.
3) When others display or seem to show they dislike me or what I am. (eg. physical apperance, education, gender, ect.)
4) When I am extremely board.
5) When I'm sexually arroused, and or denied.

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It started wen i was maybe 11 and i am now 13..i think it all happen b/c muh father abused me when i was lil and i didn't kno any other way to get rid of the frustration,anger and pain..i alwayz thought i did something wrong wen he hit me.so i would punish myself...till this day i still do it and i don't even see muh dad..he calls and me it makes me so mad b/c he doesn't care bout' me all he cares bout' is himself!...well ppl kno i do it but only muh friends b/c they saw muh arms or legs wen i was in sports....btu i will never tell adults...ive been trying to quit but something alwayz ends up happening to me!!!

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How can people say they do it for attention there are way better ways to get attention..some people do it b/c they don't kno how else to deal with their problems and others do it b/c they think that when maybe a parent did beat them they thought it was their fault so they would punish themselves.Yes...i do cut and my cuts my arms and legs are very deep.i go to coulnsoling my consolur did see the cuts on my arms and legs. he keeps asking me why i do it and i alwayz say all my anger my frustratin..bad memorize go on my arms and legs.And he trys to get me to stop but i can go for months with out doin' it and then something has to happen and there i go again..i just want it to stop!!!!!

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How can people say they do it for attention there are way better ways to get attention..some people do it b/c they don't kno how else to deal with their problems and others do it b/c they think that when maybe a parent did beat them they thought it was their fault so they would punish themselves.Yes...i do cut and my cuts my arms and legs are very deep.i go to coulnsoling my consolur did see the cuts on my arms and legs. he keeps asking me why i do it and i alwayz say all my anger my frustratin..bad memorize go on my arms and legs.And he trys to get me to stop but i can go for months with out doin' it and then something has to happen and there i go again..i just want it to stop!!!!!

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I dont know why i cutt. i just do it. i know i sound so stupid but when i get denied things i cutt. like if i dont get what i want. but i think its much more deeper because if that were the case my whole body would be in scars. when im board i do it. when im sad or alone. even when im happ. its so weird. and i hate myself for it. plus im EDNOS(eating disorder not otherwise specified)so im like an anorexic and blumic only failed.so that helps fuel me a little. and its weird cause the way i started was just kinda dumb/funy. me and my friends would scratch or selfs and make little patterens. no blood no skin layers broken. just those little white ashy marks. but i kinda took it farther. i just kept going. just for fun. id carve names and places etc. but i dont know when it turned into an addiction, but it did. i just did it when ever i was sad or something. and they turned into just lines. no words.lately ive been doing words like fat and shit like that. but before it was mostly lines. sometimes i wish i could stop. but then i think fuck it its my damn body and self expression so why should i?! and then my mom found out twice and its like she wants me to feel bad for her that her daughter cutts her self. well no more. so if she finds out again then oh well. shell have to leave with it. cause im not stoping. and no i started to smoke indica(weed) so now im like a big ass pot head, which isnt bad, but if im alone and smoke, i cant feel anything when im high so i cutt. and im kinda like what if i cant feel anything and i cutt to deep? so i try not to be alone when im hi(which you shouldnt be when you got weed : ) lol
well any ways im done i just needed to get this all out before i go krazy. sorry if i bitched to long. i feel like i have. lol

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I started cutting myself about 10 years ago. My ex husband was very abusive in every way possible. But when I was with him the reason I would cut myself was for me to stop crying. If he saw me cry he knew that he had won. So I would start cutting myself so he would never see me cry. Before that though I would punch walls and things. I left my ex husband a few years ago and I had stopped cutting myself. But I started again about a year ago. Everything in my life started going wrong. And for the longest time I didn't tell my Dr and finally I decided ok it is time to tell someone so I can get some help. Well when I told him that I cut myself all he said was "ok" that is all. I get depressed all the time. I do have two kids but they live with my ex. I am trying to get them back. I am happy when they are with me, yes I do still get depressed but I don't cut myself. I don't do it to try and kill myself either. I just don't know what to do. My fiance knows about it and he tells me not to do it anymore that when I feel like that way to call him. He is a great guy and I love him he tries his best to take care of me. And help me deal with my depression. But somedays just talking isnt enough. If anyone here has any advice please let me know. Thanks

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I really need help, I can't help but cut myself i try to stop but everytime i cry and i see sumthing sharp i just out 1 and 1 together....after i do it i feel a sense of relief and thats that. Can anyone tell me how to stop i really want to.............

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Relax Ashlee.. maybe it's due to too much stress or the hopeless feeling of unloved.. hang in there. everyone experiences that at some point. go see the doctor or something orite?

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I do get depressed, i overcome it by praying as a muslim.. it can heal my soul. i never cut myself, but i do feel those 'cuts' emotionally.

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HELP ME!!!!

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ummm yea... wow. its crazy to see all these ppl who go or went through the same thing as me. The thing is i still do it and i like it. of course i would never tell any of my friends this they would look at me like was was crazy. Why on earth would the homecoming queen and head cheerleader be cutting herself?? but there is so much about me that nobody knows.
Like for instance that i was adopted at 8. my mom before that was a prostitute and a druggy. lets just say that the men she brought around weren't exactly prince charming... some of them even had a thing for little girls and for and extra price or maybe it was drug (idk) but she sold me. i was living with a man for two weeks before cps caught on and took me to live with leslie.(the lady who adopted me)
Leslie, to everyone in the community was perfect, but they were all dumbfounded when they found out how abusive she was. lets just say enough to get her 10 years in prison! and her perverted husband went right along with her.
so now i've spent the last couple years in foster care going from home to home and only changing schools once. which was great for me! but in december i turned 18 and am currently living out of the system with a friend.
Yes i cut i do alot of things that nobody knows about. Do i think about suicide... constantly... but the fact is im too chicken to ever do it. Yes i have depression but so does over half of america... its a big joke really. how ppl want to handle their "pain" is up to them. Me... im fine with just continuing to fall back into the wood work. i've died my hair darker.. i talk less.. i never go hang out with my friends ( not even jess and i live with her!)
So slowly im disapearing and no one is going to notice, and if they do no one is going to care. im so used to it that i guess maybe i like it this way. just being left alone. its hard to believe that at the begining of the year i was crowned homecoming queen. or that last year i was varsity cheer captain as a junior in high school. Yea its hard to believe but believe it.

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I never asked myself why. Why was not a concern.
My cuts seem to be different in a couple ways.
One would be that each of my cuts is at least 6 inches or more long and at least a half inch deep. Some I got stitches for, others I lived through even though medical attention was needed.
You know, the ones that I didn't get medically treated with stitches seem to be my favorite.
My son had to be in a special home for a year.
One day I was told that he hides in his bedroom as much as he can get away with, and he is always crying privately. OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My baby hurts so bad, he must feel alone and lost in a strange place. Well, thats all it took. I didn't conciously set out to cut, but there was so much relief, I didn't feel like I wanted to die, I would say that's certainly a plus. There is no age range to this. I just turned 40. Just the other day I was thinking about it. The day got real busy and before I knew it I was in bed. I believe in God, I do go to church, I love to talk to Jesus. We're not perfect, just forgiven. Anyone can be forgiven.
However, certain choices of my very own keep me from being that strong christian individual that God intended for me to be. I have worried on occasion how close I have come to cutting the wrong artery or whatever. One of my doctors said I nearly lost the ability to use a few fingers because the cut was so close to some bad place to cut. Hands aren't usually the place I go to, but it was kind of a rushed moment.
Feel better, WOW, how do you describe being able to breathe again? Days later you just have to run your fingers over it and feel a little blast of Ahhhhh. Sometimes you have to touch it a million times a day. Rarely, if ever do you want anyone to know or see. Summertime will prove most difficult for me as it gets very hot and one of my legs looks like Franenstein put it together. You have to find different doctors so there aren't too many questions. As a teen, I actually sewed my own arm up. Okay, that one sounds hideous, but even now, it still makes me feel better when I see the scar now and then.

So, I think it's safe to say that it is self-harm, there are more reasons than answers to why each individual does this. I have a shrink and a therapist. Unfortunately, this particular thing hasn't come up yet. It's like something they'll make me stop doing if I tell them. Can't give that up right now, even if it is just once in a while.

Thanks for listening

Michelle

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Hi, i found i need alot of help. i personally have struggled alot with self harming. i don't know really what keeps going through my mind only that i feel worthless. On to many occaisions i have had my friends turn against me. I have had too many family members die recently, my Nan, my Grandma, my Grandad, Uncle George many people. Its too hard, and gets to me on several occaisions. i think thats the main reason why i self harm. But also i've been bullied all my life, i feel that if i feel pain in some way then maybe, just maybe my life won't seem quite so bad.
i find painting, music and writing poems helps quite alot, but if that still fails to help then i go running, last time i ran for 12 miles none stop a round trip. i know i need help but i can't afford to go to councelling or anything like that, so i suffer in silence i know thats not good but i can't help that, its just the way i am.

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hi i don't have alot to say
i just got done cutting and i wanted to die
my dad walked in on me and he grabed my razor
and bitch slaped me then i tried to grab my razor and cut him and i have a real problem cutting my self i have cut everday this week

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i just started cutting and it feels really good i do it everynight

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im anti-cutting.

http://izzietheinternetbugwriter.blogspot.com/2006/06/i-am-anti-cutting-yourself.html#links

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I must say that I find myself cutting up my arms without even thinking about it. There are times when I have been so mad at another that I thought the best way to get even was to hurt myself physically so they could see they were hurting me emotionally. I was fine for years and then a few weeks ago I found myself with a knife against my arm. I must say I feel as though I am under a lot of stress. I tryed to talk to my boyfriend but he got mad at me and made me feel worse rather then helping or coforting me. So who the hell are you suppose to turn to? I don't know what to do any more. I feel so sad and so alone.

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K-Jo, there are other sources of comfort. Seek help. If ur boyfriend can't help you, then find friends who will. Love yourself first. Change your mindset. the keys are these: high motivation to succeed (rise above physical self-abuse) and positive thinking. change your mindset to positive.

Hurting yourself won't help in the long run. anyone who needs help to stop cutting themselves you can talk to me :( i'll help.

juz email me at : izzatiizzatiizzati@yahoo.com

Insya Allah i'll help

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I am 13 years old and i started cutting when i was 10 years old i still cutt once in a while i try to stop.
i dont cut to kill myself or to leave a scar i cutt tobleed cuz i luv to bleed 4 sum reason and to let out pain so yeah like in the pic. that was taken a while back!

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I do and I still do it is because their is so much tension, anger, and sadness that I wanted to replace with something, something that can take my mind off. Its kinda like a stress reliver a way of leting my hard feelings bleed away from me, I do stay away from my sucidal thoughts but they kinda take over cuting is just another way of geting my own peace and silence instead of just looking down at suicid. Not many people know I suffer from some serious mental illness or that I take anti deppressants every mourning peopel just dont expect it from me and when they do find out they look at me differntly as some grazy silent freak who does it for some attention I am dead scared of anyone knowing, not only that but most people just dont belive in meds and they look at you as a kid with no will power in life.

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I wonder if it's too late to ring in on this topic, but I need help in a bad way. Turns out, my little sister is a cutter. She called me hysterical on Saturday night and when my husband and I busted into her apartment, we found that she had gone Freddy Krueger on her upper arm.

I called 911 b/c there was so much blood and b/c I did not realize that it was not a suicide attempt..how the f*ck would I have known that! She is not real happy with me and I guess I'm not real sure what to say to her at this point. Seems to me that saying you are a cutter but are not suicidal is like saying you are an alcoholic but you can drink wine.

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siapa suruh kau scratch tangan kompun..agik asa kau!!! camne rasa ya?? rasa oren?? rasa sarsi?? bodo li...kimak..mai cibai...ku sekolah st.joe...kerja ku dudok dalam ofis...kat seat pengetua...aku tok nang kenja bodo!!!! aku dah lama teringin mok masuk st.tre..tapi sik dapat..sebab takut kena tangkap basah...aku gi sia pun mok sembahyang jak...aku tok koh...hensem bodo..rambut putih berkilat...pakei cermin mata..mala megang buku ngan rotan..suka kutip hutang...sik suka orang sik tuck in baju, sik suka orang sik ada name tag ngan neck tie....aku tok koh..ada hati ngan puan fatimah let...rupa nya kiut koh...kedak buah nangka disalut baju kurung...

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I'm a cutter trying to stop.I have been dealing with this for three years. I want to stop but I can't seem to, until last night. I got so mad and angery that I cut myself deeper then narmol.Lots of blood driped down my arm.I got scared because I had never cut that deep.

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Record company EMI sign a deal with the estate of crooner Dean Martin to use the singer's likeness...

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LOST TIME OF LIFE
to think it'll never end
tears roll down my cheeks

rain means nothing
and my dreams are short distant memories of the past

i cannot think or smile
he dose it for me

no one sees my cuts
in the child once found within

you do not know the fear
every time i was slapped
for judgment days in my lost time of life!!!

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i am a cutter. i have 12 scars on my lower left leg by my ankle on the inside. those were from about a month ago. i cant even remember why i did it. i think it was about losing a couple of my friends. but i just felt like leaving a comment. thanks for wrighting this article.

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i am also a cutter. i have scars too. not sure how many but they're really big and obvious so people stare alot.
i cut myself because of my parents. they always say they wish i hadn't been born and stuff.
i have other reasons but they're really personal. i guess just hate my life.
i love this artical and it totaly opend my eyes! i might stop cutting myself after all! (i told my hole 9th grade class that i'd never stop no matter what.)

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ok bithches thats nothing and if u want to a real cutting expreince go a head

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I Am Eighteen And Started Cutting A Couple Years Ago... Cutting Is My Escape Route In My Mind... I Tend To Feel So Much That It Feels Like Im Feeling Nothing And Cutting Makes Me Feel... I Know Its Bad And I Have A Chance I Dieing From It But Its Hard To Drop. I Have Tried Different Things To Replace It I Have Tried Talking To Others And Writing About I But I Just Fall Back To My Last Resort To Feel. It Hurts To See Others Affected And I Try To Get Away From It But Its Hard I Get Even More Angry And Cant Get Away So Thats My Away

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im fifteen ive been cutting for two years. i really enjoy it but know i need to stop. i hardly used to do it at all. but now i do it all the time. everyday when i get the chance.cutting is one of the best feelings ever. the doctor saidthe scarz on my legs are never gonna go away. but honestly i really dont care.
just somtimes i wanna die. but who knows
cutting helps me although it shouldnt

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well i have a friend and she has been cutting for a while now. i told her i really would like to help. well her mom found out and ever since she did my friend has done it more than ever. everyone is giving her a hard problem. well because of all this just the other night she got put in the hospital so all you people who cut i just want to say its ok and just try to fix your problem i dont want anyone to end up in the hospital because of all this.

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Suicide is a beautful thing, Cutting is a very pretty thing. I'll keep cutting myself. I love the pain but i do it for sexual idea's, I'm not a bored or strange or a lonely person. I d it because i like it. so suck my clit yo fukcing A.D.D loser's....

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I once scratched myself really hard on the wrist until the skin peeled. It was quite messy. Thinking about it now, the knife does seem much neater huh =) I had to paste plasters over those 'wounds' and go to school and pretend I accidentally cut myself over the night.

One girlfriend saw my plasters, and she jokingly asked: "Wah, you tried to kill yourself ah?"

I smiled back. But the reason why I did that was, like Annabel, I needed to feel something other than the hollowness, or the anger. I couldn't howl in anguish, couldn't do anything, and tears were already dried up; and so I had to scratch myself.

But yep, realized it's wrong. And there was never a second time.

The scars were still visible 9 - 12 months after that. Even though I'm pretty sure they've healed by now, everytime I look at my wrist, it's as if I could still see the jagged wounds.

I knew a friend who cut herself, quite often. It was disturbing to see her acting like she's happy and proud of her knife scars. But what's more worrying's that I could sense her exterior "cheerfulness" was but a mask to whatever she was feeling inside.

Hmm. But anyway, whatever it is, love thy body! You're the only one who can take care of it.

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I cut my self I have 16 cuts on my arm and 4 under my stumic I do it because I feel better after it my mom dont get me and nither does my friends I'm a lez and my parents almost disowned me because of it so I lied and told them it was a joke I cant be my self I have to lie I'm 17 I'm not planning on stopping anytime soon

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Im a cutter. I have about 20 or more scars on my wrist. I've started to cut a few years back when things in life started to get really bad. I didnt know how to handle my pain so I figured maybe this would help. I have heard about it and I seen pictures before I did so. The first time I did cut it was a big thing for me. Many things went threw my mind all at once. Then as time went on and things still were not the best I found myself still cutting and sometimes more than I would of liked too. It scared me because i started to rely on it. I didnt know how to control my anger. When I cut all the pain and anger seemed to go away. Its crazy I know but its true. Just a few months ago my mom walked into my room and seen my wrist. It was so hard to explain what was going on and no matter what I told my mother she still thought I was crazy. My mom told me I better stop or she will put me into the hospital to get help. I dont cut as much anymore but things are still bad so that dosent help. I still want to cut but im scared at the same time.

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Being a non-cutter myself, nor came across anyone with similar habit, this is a very nice entry. Together with all the shared stories, it has definitely help me to understand and unmask the "cheerfulness" of this group of people.

Keep going, guys. Life is beautiful and full of hopes.


ps. Kenny, more entry lf this like perhaps?

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thank you so much for this blog.i am a cutter.i am 16.i dont know why i do it.i dont know if it was a good idea for me to read this as i just cut myself.but ah well.i told my best friend in anger a while ago.she didnt understand and made it worse.she freaked.i dont know.im quite confused.

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I am a cutter. It makes me feel better, and I am depressed. My mom and grandmother was to, so I am pretty sure its clinical, although a good portion of it is my own crazy mind plus low self esteem and past issues with people. Im am almost 15, freshman in high school. I want to cut deep to let my pain go, but I don't want scars. Its a fine line.

For all you cutters out there, breaking open a capsule of Vitamin E helps cuts heal and scars become less visible.

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About comment above- you must apply the vitamin E to the scars/cuts. Its not a magical cure, but it does help some. :) keep on living.

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About comment above- you must apply the vitamin E to the scars/cuts. Its not a magical cure, but it does help some. :) keep on living.

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I stared cutting myself in the 7th grade because my got in a reck in Sept. of 2006 he almost died.It had been going about 6 mounths befor my mom found out about it. It was a hard thing to but had to get help because if I dent i was going to kill myself if i dent. I had to go about 3 mounth before i didn't have to go back but ever maybe in once in a blue moon i have to go up there. I hate it so much but is wearth it because i have been cutting myself for about 5 mouths now that is a goos thing in my life because i want it to be happy not alot of scares on my wrist. it is a bad thing for life because if do your going to go throw alot of shit with your parents or unless your parents just don't give a shit about what you do. If u do it plz get help NOW not later in your life.

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i just turned 16 and i've been cutting for about 4 years. no one knew until this past summer, when i finally told my best friend. my family is quite troubled; i have ADHD and i suffer from depression, my dad has bi-Polar, and my sister, who is now 8, has ADHD as well, my mom has medical problems and she has shown symptoms of depression for years, since i was little, but she won't admit it. This affected the way i felt alot, as i got older, my parents and i grew apart and i began to be a loner.
The first time i cut was just after a huge fight with my dad, it ended with me screaming at him and then a hard smack across my face. i ran down to my room crying; i was sad, angry, and i hated my life. The times after that, it just became the thing i did when i was feeling angry, upset, or any negative, strong emotion. Telling my friend was the hardest thing ever, i was scared that she would freak out and tell my parents, then i would be eprived of my cutting. She didn't, instead, she was comforting, and she made sure i knew i could call her anytime to talk about it.
i had gone about 6 months without cutting, when things started to get bad at home again. i kept telling myself it wasn't worth it. but i didn't care. i needed that feeling. i need to feel physical pain to outweigh my mental pain. to calm myself down.
i have been cut-free for almost 2 months, my friends and i are working on keeping me cut-free.
My parents still do not know, about the cutting or the depression. i don't feel they'd understand, i fear they will overreact, and make things worse.

but i have helped, and seen some of my other friends get over this, and i know i can too. i find talking about it helps, sometimes to strangers, sometimes to a trusted friend. so if anyone ever needs to talk. i'm open for it

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u can e-mail me at darkening-cor@hotmail.com

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oops... darkening-core@hotmail. com (sorry)

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IVE DONE IT BEFORE AND I REGRET IT, I HAVE SCARES UP MY ARMS AND LEGS AND ITS UGLY. I FOUND IT ONLY MADE MORE PROBLEMS AND IT DOSNT HELP. I AM ONLY 13 AND STARTED WHEN I WAS 11 AND STOPPED WHEN MY BEST FRIEND FOUND THE SCARES. I TOLD MY MUM AND SHE UNDERSTOOD AND HELP ME THROUGH IT ALL. THEY WERE THE WORSED YEARS OF MY LIFE. I THINK YOU SHOULD TELL YOUR MUM OR DAD AS THEY DO UNDERSTAND. IF U CANT WILL HELP IF U WANT TO TALK!!! GOOD LUCK EVERY1!!!

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I used to be bulimic but now I feel like its taking over again and I haven't cut my self in probably 5 years but just the other day I did and don't know why. I've been hiding it from my bf and trying to think of a good excuse to tell him. I'm trying to figure out what triggered this but I can't seem to figure it out. I'm not suicidal but struggle with weight and body issues. I believe once you've had an eating disorder you always will have some demon in the back of your head saying you eat too much...you just learn to control it. Maybe I cut myself because I feel back for purging again so its another way to harm myself...I know both things are wrong and bad for my health...but why do we still do it? I have a great life, family, friends, but yet i still have such poor self-perception of myself...it's kinda sad and I know it is. I try to be positive and go work out and do healthy things but sometimes it just doesn't seem to work...any advice?

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i felt myself getting defensive when reading what you wrote... not sure your comments were justifed but i do understand that we all come from different experiences that shape us and mould us to who we are..

for me.. it was an attention thing. i think i wanted to see how much these people really cared about me. it was like a test. no pain was felt through out it... not untill after. i felt the physical pain and emotional pain of what i had done. felt embarrassed. and sorry for the people i hurt.

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hi

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ive been cutting since i was i think maybe 12 sinse i was in th e7th grade i am no

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ive been cutting since i was i think maybe 12 sinse i was in th e7th grade i am now in my 1st yr of high school. ina way i want to stop but then i never do, it sall so confusing, i love to see thre blood, i love to see it come pouring out of my skin. i kno its wrong to cut i kno its not right but to be honest i dont really care. well thats all i have to say for now. -Marielle

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hmm.. my side of the story.. i cut myself startin last year.. for fun.. juz draw cute stuff lidat.. but then everything bcame so serious.. i was so under-pressured..

sum1 i cared (past tense) about sort of wei1 xie4 me.. he cut himself lar.. then i oso revenge lar.. cut myself back.. 24 cuts.. exactly.. damn hurt.. n the cuts were long although not tat deep.. so hard to walk lar..

but now thinkin back about it.. i felt stupid, yet i dun realli regret doin it.. haha, juz another part of me.. another way of expressing myself?? no idea.. but they are stayin there for a long time.. till now still so clear (1 yr oledi oh), the scars..

now cant wear mini skirts or shorts out..

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your all gay muther fuckers

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hears a joke i wish my grass was emo so it would cut it self

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I have been cutting myself since i was about 13 and im now 18 so i fink im fully qualified to giv wot myt b helpful 2 at least sum1.
I used to cut myself because i i couldnt make the link between the pain i was feeling inside and the lack of pain externally i couldnt understand how inside i was hollow and the only thing there was pain and i felt sick and i tried to cry but nothing made it better i realised that i felt better when something physically hurt so i cut myself alot and sat for forever watching the blood pool at my feet till i eventually passed out! i did this constantly for nearly 3 years i eventually got addicted and did it even when i wasnt in hurting inside.
i then got told that tattoos replicate the pain i havent self hrmed in over 6 months and have many stars tattooed on me it also makes me feel better that my body tells a story with art and they help cover my scars too.
try it dont hurt youe self
please

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lick my motherfucking clit bitch

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I'm a cutter. I do it because I feel disappointed with myself and it is kind of like a punishment to myself - for allowing myself to be hurt this way emotionally.

Think of it this way. When I'm being hurt emotionally, I spit into 2 halves; one who is being hurt and one who is trying to protect myself. The hurting one is cutting the protecting one because he ain't doing a good job.

Why do I allow myself to go through this shit? Because the one who is hurting me the most is the one I love the most. So even if I do protect myself, I'll end up hurting the one I love the most and I would end up cutting myself for THAT.

Should you cut yourself? No. Because it itches like HELL after a few days.

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after reading this i was very in tune with my feelings.i know that im not theonly one. i started after moving away from my dad and having to living with my mom. started with a knife and went to a razor. i did it becuz of no sense of control. it is so bad that my om wont let me order what i want to eat at subway. and she chooses my friends for me and i dont even have a bedroom i have to sleep on the couch. and we even have enough rooms in the house.

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I cut myself a few times while in college, first time was because someone broke up with me and even though it hurt so much I couldn't cry, so I went to the bathroom and found a razor and cut myself on both wrists, then I showed him, and I passed out. I do remember the marks/pain felt good the next days, except the 'itching' hehe. My cuts weren't deep and I have only three small scars which I would have to point out for people to see. I'm 26 and still find myself tempted to do it when in pain or stress. I don't do it mainly because I live with family, if I lived alone I would probably do it. The reason would be to externalize the pain since I find it very hard to cry. Sometimes it is because I feel numb when I know I should be feeling something. Last year when my boyfriend left I couldn't cry, I couldn't, again, show him how bad I felt, I started looking desperately for a knife but couldn't find it and honestly I really wanted to show him how much it was hurting me. When I was 15 I told myself I would not cry anymore, I cried a lot because my dad used to hit me often, since around 13 I dared not look him in the eye nor did we ever exchange words except for when he would yell at me, this happened until I left home at 17. He has bipolar disorder btw. In my case it's obviously the result of long-term abuse, I have forgotten that abuse yet I resent deeply that it resulted in making me feel this need now and then.

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ok if you are a emo and cutting your problems away you are a fucking retard .....ok you mom didnt love you, well mine died and do i mutalate my self ....no!!!!!! thats because i can stay srong and not a pussy like you all, that are like oh i hate my self get the fuck over it one day ur gonna hit the wrong vain and gonna acaully die .and for the stupid ass suciders ...you are retarded also your mother brought you in this world and you are gonna take ur selfout wat the hell ????that makes no sense !!!

ps may god have mercy on your soul

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I'm 16, almost 17, I've been cutting since I was about 12. It started on my legs, my inner thighs, then the tops and my shins. When my mom noticed them I was put in counseling for 7 weeks. Once out I was cut free for a couple of months. I now cut in areas almost never seen, just under my bikini line, on or below my breasts, and sometimes jagged lines on my arm that I can pin on the one of the cats. I've never really realized why it is I cut. I think it's partially because I don't think my dad has ever 'loved' me, and my mom and stepfather ignore me. I hate myself when I cut because my life isn't 'bad'. I was never sexually/physically abused. Nothing traumatic has ever happened to me. I live a life that I'm sure some people would kill to have, and yet I hate it. To me, it seems lacking, insufficient. I used to talk to my best friend, but she got a boyfriend and kind of forgot about me. I also used to talk to my brother, he also cuts, so he understands me. But for the last couple of months, I haven't told anyone about it...Until now. I don't know how to tell them, and I don't think I could stand to see the disappointment in their eyes. I was doing so good before May. I hadn't cut since January, and then my mom started dragging old things up, and nagging me about drugs, cigarettes, and eating. It all went downhill from there....Why am I even doing this? Typing all of this?

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no offense, but the whole idea of using physical pain as a substitute for emotional pain seems silly to me. If you are depressed, there are always other methods to deal with your troubles. Self-mutilation seems wasting to me.

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you cant say that without being in the cutters situation.

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I ain't pretty. Cutting myself will only make me uglier.. So, i don't cut myself

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Yes. I do. I wish I didn't, but I do. I think I started because whenever I felt bad, a friend (who I liked... A LOT!) would bite my arm, telling me to concentrate on that, and then I'd forget about anything else. When that stopped doing it for me, it escalted. I think I also do it to quantify my pain, so I can tell myself, (as I frequently do) "This is how much it hurts" And then I know, so I can deal with it.

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I am not against cutters.
But, I have been cut by glass so badly because I ran through the whole glass door (alright, LAUGH! I know its goddamn stupid.)

It was...HORRIFYING.
My two legs now bear two ugly cuts, something I have done to regret.

Girls, please PLEASE treasure your legs and hands.
We all, deep inside, are beautiful.
WE RULE OUR OWN LIFE.

Till this date, this incident of my leg muscles splitting into half was still etched into my mind, and I am scared of seeing people getting cut (be it purposely or accidentally ) with all the blood flowing out.

Girls, 加油! :D

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My boyfriend tried to commit suicide twice. 1st, but cutting his wrist. 2nd, by drinking poison. These happened a year ago. I'm still with him now. He promised me he'll never do that again. If you ask me whether I do love him or not, my answer is I don't know. I feel like breaking up with him at times, but how can I possibly do it? I can't trust his promise. I feel like I'm really stucked in this relationship. Sigh.

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reading the comments above, make me feel like my life is not that bad. I do feel depress sometimes, but not to the extent to do anything like cutting myself.

for me, when I get depressed I just do something that I like.ermm,maybe something like watching videos on youtube, wandering around city, spend money on something useless and get a nice sleep. Guess life is not that easy for everyone.

And for anyone that is still depressed now, hope you are getting better. Cheers!!

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I'm 24, been cutting (among other methods of SI) and struggling with Bulimia and Anorexia since I was 11. More than half my life has been daily wrestling with these debilitating disorders - "To cut or not to cut?" "To eat or not to eat?" "To vomit or not to vomit?" It all starts out like you're just trying something out, anything to make you feel better (or feel anything!) or to not feel anything at all, but soon becomes an obsession, a drug you have to have to get you through the day. The sad thing is that unless you take charge and overcome it, it will overcome you (i.e. kill you). You might ask why we don't just stop, if we know it's bad, if we know it's killing us? Because this is what we know, this is what we trust to always be there, this is our crutch and without it we fall down to who knows where... And you might then say, cutting yourself or making yourself sick or being a restrictive eater looks a lot like you're already falling - but it's not. It's what gives us the strength to get out of bed in the morning and if it's gone, we don't know where to get that strength, or if that strength even exists. This is our way of dealing, by not dealing... It's just easier this way. Anyway, nice blog. Good luck to all you fellow ED'd and SIers. Maybe tomorrow will be better? Take care of yourselves.

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I am a normal cheerful smiling person who is easy to like and laugh with. but i have a secret. I used to cut myself. Someone i loved tried to commit suicide. i was heart broken. i didn't know how to cope with it. cutting myself was a distraction. it helped most of the time. it wasn't a strong enough one though.. so i heated a peace of metal till red and burnt a small hole in my arm a couple of times. after a few months i began to recover a little and i didn't have to cut or brand myself anymore.


its interesting to see how many comments are on this post compared to the other ones. i guess people just want to reach out. i know i do.

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Hi, is it true that oral remedies (vitamins) for hair growth will stimulate growth all over my body, not just on my head? Thanks for any advice.

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One way to stay on the road to positive thinking is to keep an Appreciation Journal. Each night before you go to sleep, write down AT LEAST 5 things about your life that you think are positive.

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