Drama In Malacca

When I was in KL 2 weekends ago, I made an impromptu trip down to Malacca to pay a little visit.

Malacca is one of those places that you heard about a lot, but never really bother going down there because it’s a little out of the way. The place is really worth visiting though because it is the oldest town in Malaysia, and richly filled with romantic history and cultural heritage.

Malacca came about because legend has it that hundreds of years ago, a young Hindu prince by the name Parameswara was resting under a melaka tree when he saw a brave kancil deer kicking his angry dog into the river. Instead of taking revenge by shooting the deer and cooking it for dinner, the prince took it as a sign and name the place after the tree, calling it the Sultanate of Melaka.
Why the guy name the place after the tree instead of the animal remains a mystery to me. I guess if he were to name the place after the kancil, Malaccans today would be called Kancillians .

Around that time, Islam in Malacca was propogated here courtesy of the World’s Most Famous Explorer Without A Penis.
His name is Cheng Ho, a Chinese Muslim eunuch who worked hard to foster relations between China and Malacca. When he came, he built mosques in Malacca that look like palaces of ancient China as opposed to the giant onion structure we’re more accustomed to.

In return, we built him a giant statue right here in Kuching to commemorate his selfless sacrifice.

Malacca is a quaint little town with a character quite unlike any other cities I’ve been to in Malaysia. This historial city was once conquered by the Dutch, the Portugese and the British. The influences from those cultures on the buildings here gave the city a different and unique flavour.

This is Nicole Tan. She’s my host and tour guide during my trip to Malacca. Nicole is a masters degree student doing her research on video blogs. That’s kinda how we got in touch with each other.

During my first evening there, Nicole took me to this pasar malam place called “Jonker Walk”.
Heh, I thought the name “Jonker Walk” is really cute. It’s like, I can think of a tagline for for the Malaccan Tourism Board already – “Let’s Go Bonkers At Jonker!”

Although Malacca is better known for its history than its good food, I totally enjoyed eating the food here.
We had chicken rice balls for lunch at this place called “He Ji” at Jonker Walk. I’ve had Malaccan Chicken Rice Balls in Kuching before, but I never really understood what the obsession over chicken rice shaped into balls is all about.
That is, until I ate here.

Yummy chicken rice balls

OMG. It was the best meal I’ve ever had in a long time!
The chicken rice balls are glutinious and sticky but so full of flavour. Just dip it into the sweet chilli sauce and I’m in heaven.

Chicken rice balls make me happy

Hohoho… thinking about it makes me salivate all over my keyboard.
Even the 8tv crew likes this place. There’s this lifesize cardboard in front of the place promoting 8tv’s eating show. And while we’re there, a guy looking remarkably like cardboard cutout came around and took photos with the boss.

Seeing double

Whoa, like he just jumped out from the picture like that.
Anyway, another Malaccan dish I really like there is their chendol.

Isn’t that the most mouthwatering thing you have ever seen?
The dessert is served with a generous slathering of gula melaka. It has a sweet caramel-like texture and comes with a taste like no other.

This is ondeh-ondeh, a classic peranakan dessert made from glutinuous rice flour and filled with gula melaka on side. One bite, and the gulamelakalicious flavour explodes inside your mouth orgasmically.
Whoa, I wanna go back there already.

Everything in Malacca is so old and antiquey. Some of the stuff there has been around for so long, only people my mom’s age would recognise what they are.
I don’t even know what to call this thing.

In Hokkien, it’s called “Kok Kok Terng”. In English, this can only be translated as “Cock Cock Candy”.
So I bought a pack of “Cock Cock Candy” for my mom to try. It brought back a flood of memories for her.
Last time a pack of these cost 10 cents. Now, they charge people RM2 per pack.
She told me when she was a little girl, an uncle would come around in a bicycle yelling “COCK COCK CANDY~! WHO WANTS MY COCK COCK CANDY~!”.

Then kids from all over would run towards him. Armed with a small hammer and a crowbar, he’d knock out little pieces of his rock hard creation, and serve them to little kids.
I mean… serve the candy lah, what are you thinking?

If both her hands are off the steering wheel, who’s driving?

I wish I could stay a little longer in Malacca, but alas I gotta rush back to KL to attend an event. Still, I managed to get a taste of what Malacca is like in half a day. I got Nicole to thank for taking time off to bring me around.
She even taught me yoga, which bar none is the gayest exercise I have ever done. I am so traumatised.
To show her my sincere gratitude and appreciation, here’s a video I secretly took of an unsuspecting Nicole while she was busy entertaining herself singing George Michael’s “Wake Me Up Before You Go”.

I pissed myself laughing.


Useless Thought of the Day: If the Ministry of Health is headed by the Health Minister, and the Ministry of Finance is headed by the Finance Minister; does that mean the Ministry of Sound is headed by the… Sound Minister?

122 Replies to “Drama In Malacca”

  1. Hi Kenny. Eunuchs have their balls removed, not the penis. (Testosterone, sperm production they all happen in the coconuts!).
    I don’t think it would be possible for eunuchs (or anyone at all) to not have a penis.
    I used to live in Melaka six years ago and I miss it so! 🙂

  2. Melaka is a nice place, no doubt about it. I was there last weekend. Did not get to enjoy the food as there were too many tourists (like us). Nice theme btw.

  3. I remember going to that chicken rice restaurant, service very bad. That time they counted money wrongly and insisted they were right. Horrid business people, but good food.

  4. I loved the chicken rice balls too!
    Number 13 seems like a lucky number for me.
    Oh yeah, that Nicole can drive while shaking her head like ecstasy, without her hands on the wheels and without seat belts xD Typical larrr

  5. Its fucking RUDE of you to insult such a great historical figure like Cheng Ho explorer without a penis..YOU’RE JOKE IS NOT FUNNY AND I DEMAND AN OFFICIAL APOLOGY..THAT SO NOT FUNNY OKAY!

  6. Yo dude . . . Cheng Ho missed his ballz instead of his dick innit ? heheheh 🙂 . . btw, dat Nicole is one hawt chick 🙂

  7. im studying in Malaysian Flying Academy in melaka for almost half a year now(im frm kuching btw) but still i have never seen chicks as hot as nicole o_o ……woah~

  8. Hey Dude, that Cheng Ho naration is a winner, great work.
    People: Cheng Ho did get his wee wee cut off. Different from castration of hogs or cattles which only remove the balls, the ancient rule of castration for the emporor’s servants involved cutting off the whole thing. They peed through an inseted straw for the frist few month after the little procedure. I own a few histoy books in this research areas, castraion is also a form of cruel punishement in our Chinese culture.

  9. Glad you love Malacca. I reckon the Hainanese chicken ball rice instead of the one you ate. There’s nothing much around Malacca actually, but its the ideal place for me because everywhere is so reachable. No horrible traffic jams and everyone seem to be within reach without too much travelling. As much as I want for people to know about Malacca, I hate ppl coming here at the same time cos they cause the traffic jam 😛

  10. lets see, on the video, she’s somewhere after the bridge, on her right, there is bcb bank, maybank on your left is probably gloria jeans and the turning to Kubu Stadium. Now she is turning right after the Golden Legacy Hotel and on her left is Fajar….where were u heading? Bus Station? Tesco? Or to the highway to get back to KL?

  11. well im not that nicole, jz same name wiv da hot chiq .. lol
    well kenny u should try satay celup in malacca . dont think u can find it elsewhere
    ^^ neway i studying in malacca ^^

  12. well im not that nicole, jz same name wiv da hot chiq .. lol
    well kenny u should try satay celup in malacca . dont think u can find it elsewhere
    ^^ neway i studying in malacca ^^

  13. Holy crap!!! That is perhaps the hottest girl you have ever featured on kenny sia. I think I am in love. The top photo where she is wearing the orange top and khakis makes it look like she has awesome ass and hips, something so rare on an asian girl. The video is also very cute.

  14. First of all, Cheng Hoe should have garrisoned this place with troops and kicked some serious ass.
    Second of all, Nicole Tan is a total babe. Third of all, I’ve now lost my train of thought after my second comment… gee thanks.

  15. the ‘8tv’ guy actually works for astro. seems like everybody here dont watch channel 19 eh. the guy came to penang once and among other promote the Kimberly Street stalls. The day after the show went on tv, the stalls there were packed full. I cant even get a seat. Hate that guy.
    btw, the chicken ball rice happy face needs a nose. u should have ordered a chicken kha-chui also.

  16. Hehe..how does she manage to sway her body like that while she’s driving!? @_@ Well er kinda dangerous driving without the seatbelt on…but she’s really hot! =p~

  17. cheng ho really no penis lah, you think the emperor will let his servant with penis attached screwing his chicks? oh i love nicole, she’s cute. definitely hot material. shweet thing!

  18. I think it was Nicole that ran over my grandma in Melaka. The last thing my grandma said was “Wake me up gogogo……”

  19. Kenny, you pretending to be sleeping in the car and yet you video her, then you pissed in the car? Aiyo, Kenny, your pants must be juicy wet. 🙂

  20. f*ck, how lame are you? ministry of sound headed by sound minister?? grow up u freaking lamer, that joke ain’t funny. what next? who bakes brownies? mrs.brown??? don’t make fun of a famous historical figure u twat.

  21. f*ck, how lame are you? ministry of sound headed by sound minister?? grow up u freaking lamer, that joke ain’t funny. what next? who bakes brownies? mrs.brown??? don’t make fun of a famous historical figure u twat.

  22. dudes…why are you guys getting you’re panties in a bunch. it’s just a joke…what’s wrong with malaysian’s not being able to laugh at ourselves?!?!!! take it with a pinch of salt and move on.
    satay celup, chicken rice ballz, ting ting sweets, jonker walk….been there done that. met my wife there. thanks kenny for bringing back memories. sidenote, what the hell did you feed to Nicole man?!!! hahahaha…even XTC also doesn’t have such a potent effect.

  23. That’s unfair! Kenny Sia gets all the Leng Luis in the world!!! Good stuff must be shared, especially during Christmas with the GIVING SPIRIT!

  24. That’s unfair! Kenny Sia gets all the Leng Luis in the world!!! Good stuff must be shared, especially during Christmas with the GIVING SPIRIT!

  25. hey kenny,
    i think you shd go down to melaka again between sometine this week till Christmas, go to the Portuguese settlement there… their xmas lighting deco is superb n definitely not to be missed, its one of the highlights of the year and only comes during xmas period..
    Believe me, you wun regret it for sure.. i was there in the begining of the mth, but less deco up, i’ll be there again this weekend to take more photos..
    since you are in kl, y not drop by melaka again to chk it out 🙂
    cheers ^_^

  26. First time poster, average lurker
    Your review of Malacca brings back memories for me. Thank you Kenny
    I must say I cannot comprehend the aggravated comments by some posters though…whylah so angry?
    regards
    cho

  27. OMG! If you guys out there know whats good for you, head out to Melaca and get yourself some of that chicken rice balls, ondeh-ondeh served in a bowl made by banana leaves and kuih kutuk. That thing there is so rare and so good, and I believe its a dying food expertise. Get it before it becomes extinct!

  28. OMG! If you guys out there know whats good for you, head out to Malacca and get yourself some of that chicken rice balls, ondeh-ondeh served in a bowl made by banana leaves and kuih kutuk. That thing there is so rare and so good, and I believe its a dying food expertise. Get it before it becomes extinct!

  29. The glutinous chicken rice ball is one of Malacca’s speciality. I really love it when I was at Malacca last year. Now you’re making me salivating. Nevermind, next year CNY will be flying to KL and I will make a point to drop by Malacca

  30. See Kenny, that’s the type of girl you need to be hanging around more often. I’m very envious.
    However, Kenny, we see her singing, but we haven’t yet had a chance to hear you sing in English. I’m looking forward to it.

  31. the chicken rice balls… i missed them sooo much.. can never find them in aust.. unless i do it myself..
    the candy shld called as “knock knock candy”?
    keep up the gd wrk dude..

  32. haha.. Nicole is really a nice ‘dancer’. Should date her for a dance one day when I get chance to visit Malacca again….hahaha.
    Hey Kenny, don’t you scare while she driving, singing and dancing on the same time…??..hahaha.
    I met Entrapment ‘gangster’ film stars in my 2nd visit to Malacca and Catherine Zeta Jones the next day in Twin Tower KLCC Suria.

  33. hey kenny did you hear about the REAL reason why Cheng Ho came to Melaka? (Maybe the perhubungan between Melaka and China was just a cover up or maybe… it’s just a sidequest who knows who care…) ANYWAYS, Tis just a legend but…hey legends are interesting no? So, emperor China orders Cheng Ho to go to the peninsular to find a traitor (if not mistaken i think brother?) He stopped by many places around the peninsular. And said to be a BIG man with Huge feet (pity tat he was castrated)and his footprint can be found in Penang (it was near a beach I can’t remember well) and… some other part (Ipoh? Hmm…) … I forgot… but this was a legend I heard when I was a small kid.

  34. nicole looks not bad…i wonder if other girls do the whole headbanging/song-singing thing when they drive? kenny, u pervert, what other stuff have u secretly voyeuristically been filming?! quickly show us! and ur rite..malacca retains an old school feel about it, mucho different from our urban areas.
    i found that the chicken rice balls were a bit too oily for my taste. must jaga health la!

  35. Dude, i was in Malacca for a day when I visited the West (KL) few months ago. I fell in love with the place instantly and the food was, as you said it,”gulamelakalicious!” especially the chendol!! Too bad I was moving around the entire day while i was there so didnt take much picture.
    Btw, any chance nicole would show me around if i ever visit Malacca again?? hehe
    kidding.

  36. hey, your tourguide in malacca brought you to the not so nice chicken rice ball…it’s not the best.seriously. you should go to the other corner, the one that looks like an old kopitiam…original old kopitiam not the fake old. maybe the next time you are in malacca you should contact me..ha ha or maybe other mmu students. they should know where to eat best

  37. i´ve never been to malacca!!!planned to go there for a few times dy but always tak jadi…
    but i guess a visit will only be nicer when there´s a local acting as the tour guide…
    especially when the person is such a sweet thing… 😉 damn you lucky bastard!
    i must say she´s one of the prettiest and desirable gal i´ve seen on your blog (after maybe amber chia =P) her bubbly character seals that title! (lol my gf better not read this)
    okay…nuff drooling bout nicole! man i wish i can visit malacca too but it´ll take me 13hours direct flight from my place now, not including the bus rides…
    i´m from ipoh and why i´ve never eaten or heard of chicken rice ball and “ting ting sweets” argh? anyone knows where i can get them when i´m back in my hometown?
    n by the way, too add to the facts, Parameswara, took the “kicking of his hunting dogs by the kancil” as a sign because he was fleeing from the Thais (was it?) after killing Temasik, the Thai ruler in Singapore at that time, who took him in as he was fleeing from the rising Majapahit empire of Sumatera before that. So the retaliation by the small deer signified that he should stop running, settle down and fight back!but that´s how the legend goes…
    hpmh…i didn´t know eunuchs hv full castration (including the penis), i thought the small sachet they carry ard (in shows) were just their balls… that´s new to me so thanks for the info! and that naration from kenny bout cheng ho is damn farny!!!keke!
    hv a nice day ppl!

  38. KENNY! I used to live in Melaka for 4 years and somewhat I never visited any of those historical sites at all. Hmmph.
    Anyway why is Nicole covering the video screen if she doesn’t know? Hmmm 😀

  39. Visited Malacca some time ago. Nice & quiet place just like Kch. The chic balls rice delicious.
    &… Nicole…..such beauty….such angel…. her presence & gracefulness are beyonds all words in this world. She’s a dream….MY DREAM GIRL !!!

  40. Never had the chance to explore Malacca even though I used to go there every week for work. Nice video. That song was my fav during my school days and that was so long ago.

  41. okay, best chicken rice in malacca (actually, probably the world) is DEFINITELY by the bridge across from OCBS. Small ancient coffee shop. There’s a reason why people drive all the way from Singapore to have lunch there.

  42. you went to the wrong chicken rice ball shop lah kenny…
    and it is not nice to take a video of someone who is having a fit…

  43. hey Kenny, maybe you can tour whole Malaysia and post an e-tour book eh? just make sure have local guides to bring you around so we know the local delicacies; unlike the commercialized ones shown on TV.
    ha ha. like your take on places and food. maybe next time you spend more time in 1 place? then maybe more entries-like the ones you did on Hong Kong.
    cheers mate!!

  44. hey Kenny, maybe you can tour whole Malaysia and post an e-tour book eh? just make sure have local guides to bring you around so we know the local delicacies; unlike the commercialized ones shown on TV.
    ha ha. like your take on places and food. maybe next time you spend more time in 1 place? then maybe more entries-like the ones you did on Hong Kong.
    cheers mate!!

  45. yea,the guy is the Astro AEC Channel host.He is very great and experienced in hosting.well,i ate Malacca cendol before and i still like Penang one.The stall i usually eat in Penang is also visited by Phua Chu Kang haha..u should try it if hv chance.

  46. For Shin’s info, eunuchs in the service of the Chinese emperors had full castrations, meaning, the removal of the entire genitalia, both the penis and testicles. The person who is tasked with removing the genitalia will try his best to cut cleanly near the belly otherwise he will leave a stump.

  47. Authentic Hainanese Chicken Rice is shaped in a ball.
    Rice offerings to ancestors is also shaped into balls.
    Hainan Island is a tropical place with lotsa coconuts.
    So there u go. We love balls.

Leave a Reply to akakimuhansia Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published.

Navigation