My Doctor Thinks I’m In Primary School

Some time ago, my hairstylist told me I was going through the early stages of male pattern baldness. 🙁

The discovery left me quite distraught. I’m only 24 dammit. I don’t wanna go bald! At least not during the peak of my youth.
After some consideration, yesterday I decided to do something right away instead of waiting till my hair all drop off and turn into Stone Cold Steve Austin. For the first time, I went to seek a doctor for help to give my hair some much-needed renovation.

I’ve done my research so I know exactly what I wanted – a prescription drug called Propecia. Currently, it’s one of the few clinically-proven treatment methods to solve my problem. That’s what I requested from the doc.
So there I was sitting in the consultation room. The doctor checked my pulse, checked my blood pressure, making sure I have no foreseeable allergies to the drug. Then he sat down, looked at me dead in the eyes as he went through the list of potential side effects.

Doctor: “Mr Sia, do you understand the side effects for taking Propecia?”
Kenny: “Yes…”
Doctor: “Do you understand that about 3% of all men taking Propecia will experience this?”
Kenny: “Experience what?”
Doctor: “This.”
Kenny: “Huh?”
It was then that I realised the doctor was actually trying to show me something. The doctor was discreetly covering his hand with a piece of paper, while flexing his index finger like this.

I stared at his finger blankly for a good 30 seconds, wondering what the hell this crazy doctor was trying to do.
Then it clicked. Of course! What my doctor meant to tell me (but too shy to say it out loud), was that 3% of men who take Propecia will experience erectile dysfunction!
Doctor: “It won’t be permanent if that’s what you’re worried about. Once you stop taking the pills, it’ll be ok again.”
Kenny: “Yes doctor, I understand that. It’s only 3% lah, so I’ll take the risk.”
Inside my heart, I’m hoping that it’ll remain this.

Don’t worry ladies, I should be in the other 97%… I think.

Then as I was sitting there, I thought, “this is awkward!”
Look, the doctor and I are both grown-ups, and here we are talking about erectile dysfunction using FINGERS?! Say the words “erectile dysfunction” lah, doctor!
I would have thought that’s the first thing doctors learnt in medical school. Their lecturer should be projecting this HUGE-ASS photo of a big throbbing penis on Powerpoint, so everyone could have a look at it, had a laugh, got ALLLLL the giggling out of their system until it actually becomes very normal for them to say “penis”.

Imagine how professional is it for a doctor to go “hmm… your little birdie might not become big bird anymore. :(”
Anyway, I think this doctor of mine must have skipped that introductory class in medical school. That’s why he ended up the rest of his medical career calling “breasts” as “boobies” or “faeces” as “poo poo”. Oi, I look like 6 years old to you is it?

On my way out of the clinic, nature called and I felt the urge to take a piss. But the toilet door was locked, so I approached the clinic receptionist and went, “excuse me miss, can I have the key to the toilet please?”
“I really need to go wee wee.”

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About The 18-Year-Old Chinese Girl Who Got Kidnapped

A few days ago, my phone went beeping with this SMS from an unknown number.

Needless to say I was quite disturbed that things like this is happening in our own backyard, especially in Saujana Carpark which is located smack in the middle of the city centre. Apart from some petty burglary cases, serious crime such as kidnapping is still considered relatively rare here. My only consolation was that it wouldn’t be too difficult for people to spot a green Proton Wira with a Peninsular Malaysian car plate number in Kuching.
But a couple of hours after I received that message, I was sent YET ANOTHER SMS about the same incident.

Immediately, I smell a rat. Not just any rat. A big fat juicy rat.
Because this time round the SMS claimed that the girl is kidnapped from a different carpark. But therein lies the problem. There’s no such place called “Parade Carpark” ANYWHERE in Kuching!
So I asked around online and as it turned out, not just me but tons of other people had received similar SMSes. Some got “Subang Parade Carpark”, others got “Ipoh Parade Carpark”. But the plot is still largely the same: some 18-year-old Chinese girl was kidnapped at some mysterious unidentified carpark in a green Proton Wira aeroback bearing the car registration number WFE 2365, and message ending with a plea to “forward 2every1”.
Then yesterday as I was flipping through old newspapers, the penny dropped. Or as my Mandarin teacher would say, “water drop stone come out”.

Turns out that the abducted girl had already been rescued ages ago. The SMS was one day late. And best of all, the carpark in question was Ipoh Parade Carpark.
What I wanna know is, how the hell did “Ipoh Parade Carpark” become “Parade Carpark” become “Subang Parade Carpark” become “Saujana Carpark”?
Damn, we are so hopeless playing this game of Chinese whisper. Either that, or there are lots of stupid 18-year-old Chinese girls walking around in empty carparks waiting to be kidnapped.

But never mind that. Because what really irked me was the fact that there are people actually forwarding these SMSes to their friends. If it’s a forwarded e-mail, I can understand because e-mail is free. But come on lah, why are these people, happily wasting 20c per SMS to forward the SMS to everyone in their phone book? What is going on?
Then hor, some people even find the time to delete the word “Ipoh Parade Carpark” and replace it with stuff like “Subang Parade Carpark” to confuse people. OI, VERY FUN IS IT?!

THEN there are those who forward these messages WITHOUT EVEN READING IT. If this thing is happening in Ipoh, keep it in Ipoh. If it’s happening in Subang, keep it in Subang.
Why forward me an SMS about a girl who got kidnapped in Ipoh when I’m staying 1000km away in Kuching? What do you expect me to do?


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