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Thursday, 05 May 2005

The Last 25 Hours

Things that I remember in the last 25 hours...

White

4th May 2005, 1:30am. I walked into my father's room ready to begin another round of my so-called 'night duty'. Y, a friend and workmate of my father for 20+ years was present along with DM, another workmate. A Buddhist hymn was playing on the radio.

2:30am. DM left. I checked my father's body temperature and fed him some water. 37.5 Celcius. Dad was breathing heavily, but still stable and responsive. I didn't think too much about it. For the rest of the night Y and I talked, reminiscing memories of my father. I thought to myself - its so nice to have someone to accompany me like that.

6:00am. Mom woke up, surprised to see Y still there. She thanked Y, then Y left.

7:30am. My maternal uncle visited. He looked upset. He sat down beside my father, then started to sing softly. My father responded by turning his head and looking at him knowingly. "Get well soon. Wake up and hear the magpies sing." my uncle said.

I went to bed at 8:15am.

20050505-4.jpg

1:48pm. I was woken up by a phone call. As soon as I answered, I heard a frantic knock on my door asking me to go to my father immediately. I apologised to the caller profusely and ran to my father's room.

I walked into his room. My father was no longer breathing.

It drizzled the whole day yesterday.

I struggled back emotions.

I touched my father's hand. It felt cold. The kind of cold you feel when you touch someone who just came out of an air-cond room. Cold. Lifeless.

Reality struck. My father is gone. Nothing will ever bring him back. Absolutely nothing at all.

I cried.

20050505-2.jpg

I remember it drizzled the whole day yesterday.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I'm not the most melodramatic person around. And I can't write sappy poems to save my life. But the account above was the best I can do in my current state of mind.

The past 12 hours has been a long and difficult one. I'm overwhelmed with emotions, mostly sadness and anger. I'm still trying to swallow in the fact that I lost my father, that he will no longer be with me to continue on with my journey of life. This reality is hard to accept. I'm still struggling.

20050505-3.jpg

Nothing left but his indentation

I've read every single comment here, and I thank each and everyone of you for leaving kind comments and words of encouragement. Its especially heartwarming to hear from strangers and friends alike, from places as close to Kuching and from places as far as Australia, UK, US. I'm touched that some of you even dedicated entries on your blog for me. Somehow it makes going through the past 12 hours a little bit easier.

To my Kuching readers - I understand that my privacy may be compromised following my father's passing. As always, I ask that you respect my privacy. Please do not disclose any unnecessary information about my family or my job. Please do not disclose the existence of this blog to anyone else in Kuching. Most importantly, do not mention to any of my family members what you read here. Please, leave them out of it. As odd as it sounds, I rather as little people in Kuching know about my blog as possible, because I know Kuching is a small place and I know how hurtful mindless gossips can be. I enjoy writing. I'm sure many, including you, enjoy reading. Please do not be a bad sport and spoil it for us all.

Candle

Grief

Eddie commented, saying that he looks forward to me writing humourously again. I hope I will. I'm sure I will. But not right now. kennysia.com will be a sad and sombre place for a while, only because the writer himself is feeling sad and sombre. But I promise you Eddie, I will try to make myself laugh. Then I'll try to make you laugh again. Eventually.

I thank you all for giving me strength to get through this very very difficult time.

1 TrackBack

Kopi-O kosong from Screenshots... on May 6, 2005 12:07 PM

Blogger Kenny Sia is in bereavement. The picture of the Kopi-O kosong he serves up his dad during the wake is heart-rendering for anyone who has gone through it. That's the affinity of love in the truest sense. Losing someone... Read More

77 Comments

Unregistered

Take care of yourself Kenny and take some time off blogging if you have to. :)

Unregistered

dear kenny, i logged on and am sad to hear about your father. i'm sure there is little good my words will do now but he sounds like a great man who was deeply loved by everyone. take comfort he's not in any more pain, ya? thank you for sharing this with us and ... again, sorry for your loss.

Unregistered

This may sound strange coming from a guy to another guy (and I am not GAY!) But cry. Yes... cry. Cry all you can, all you want and then stop. Move on and be strong. I am sure your dad, your family... everyone will be proud of you.

Unregistered

i'm so sorry to hear about this kenny, and i'm sorry i'm late in offering my condolences. take good care of yourself, don't stress up. your father is probably up in heaven/afterlife/whatever u believe in, smiling down at you.

Unregistered

i'm so very sorry... take your time in mourning, but try to remember that nothing is more important right now than trying to be happy and making the best out of your life so that your dad will be proud of you. *hugs* and everything else that's good in this world.

Unregistered

hi kenny, so sorry to hear about your daddy, my deepest condolences to you and your family. Please take care and May the good Lord takes care of your family during this difficult time.
God Bless, Joanna

Unregistered

Sorry to hear that..Be strong Kenny, Life goes on..yah~ Live happier and better from now on and I believe your father wishes that too.

Unregistered

I'm very sure the humour will come back one day, but till then, grief all you need. We'll be listening.

Unregistered

Every life has its end. My condolence, Kenny.

Unregistered

Iwan and I send our condolences. May you get through this exceptionally painful obstacle safely.

Hugs and kisses,
Irawan and Tiffy

Unregistered

Hey man...just wanted you to know that it's cool to be sad and sombre; it's only human, and I know that I can see what a difficult and heart-breaking time this must be for you. Some times, it's only through walking through the tough times that we can get through them, and it's very admirable that you're open enough to share these very personal moments with all of your readers. I'm sure you'll find your old sense of humour when you're ready to, and all your readers will be around for it. Until then, take care, man. We all still think you're awesome.

Regards,
J.

Unregistered

Dear Kenny,

My deepest condolences to you and your family.
Your dad would be happy to know that he left a legacy of love. Be strong.

SM

Unregistered

Hey Kenny, left u a sms last nite after finding out from Nicole. Didn't have Internet access for the past week hence not updating ourselves wz ur blog. Our deepest condolences to u and ur family. Think of it this way. At least he's no more in sufferings and u and ur family need not worry anymore. It may sound a bit heartless and selfish but I (Dine) do feel that sometime about my mum. Of course I would never want her to go away like that but it's their life and it's time's up for ur dad. I'm sure he's happy where is now, being such a wonderful person as I've read him to be in ur entries. Lots of hugs to u from us and thanks for your pressies for our birthdays. It was really appreciated.

Unregistered

Hey, hang in there. I know hw it feels to lose someone. I lost my grandfather recently also and it totally sucks in the beginning. It onli started to get better after 1 week plus when I stopped crying.

Unregistered

You have to do what you have to do. Nobody can tell you how to grief and mourn. Eventually you have to pick up your life and move on. Your dad would have wanted it that way. Peace be with you.

Unregistered

My condolences Kenny.
Wish your family strengh and better times ahead.

Unregistered

Dear Kenny,
Deepest condolence. Your father is in a better place, your heart.

Unregistered

Hi Kenny, just heard about your dad's demise. My deepest condolences to you and your family. Reading your blogs about your dad was really wonderful, and I'm sure he'll always be with you tho he's gone now, and that he's really proud of you, and what you have achieved thus far. Be strong, and if blogging helps to heal your inner wounds, go on with it....if not, just take some time off from this. God bless n take care!

Unregistered

i felt sorry on what happened to you.
My deepest condolences for you and your family.
Take some time off.

Unregistered

You'll be okay....You sound like you need to mourn first, but you also sound like you'll be okay....

Again, my condolences Kenny.

Unregistered

My deepest condolences for you and your family.

Unregistered

Again I offer you my condelences.

Rest assured that I respect your privacy.

Unregistered

my condolences to you and your family, kenny. be strong.

Unregistered

Kenny, you are an amazing writer and I look forward to your return but for the time being be the pillar of streangth for your family. It cant rain everyday my friend. Stay strong.

Unregistered

Kenny,

May the force with you. Get well soon.

Unregistered

Kenny, some people never had a father half as wonderful as yours. Don't be angry ok? Remember the good memories you have of your dad.

Kuching Readers: I've seen one too many blog-cides recently so please respect kenny's wishes. Thank you!

Unregistered

My condolences to you and your family.
Reading about it really made me teary as I thought of my own father and the times when we were forced to face with our own mortality.

Grieve but dwell not on the tragedy of your loss, but remember the light of your father's life and all the lives he has touched.

Time has a way of making everything alright, its just that there is never enough time. So we drink, and we sing, and we dance, and through this we celebrate the 'lie' that is life and hope that it will last.

Please take care of yourself.

Unregistered

Dear Kenny,

I am so sorry for your loss. No words I write will ever be able to help. So instead I will tell you that it's ok for you to shed some tears. I'm sure your dad is in a better place now and you'll meet him again someday.

regards,
Caleb

Unregistered

We understand. Take your time. Your secret is safe with us.

Unregistered

whatever i say will probably not help ease the pain, so i offer my condolences and a big big hug. *HUG*

Unregistered

Take care...

Unregistered

Sorry to hear about it. Be strong. Your father is now in a better place and he will always be watching over you. My condolencesto you.. If you feel like crying.. cry.. cause it will make you feel better. Good luck :*)

Unregistered

My condolences.

Unregistered

My condolences to you, Kenny... Cry if you want... Your dad is in a better place now... But remember that he would want you to be happy too... I know how you feel...

Take as much time as you need, your secret's kept in a box locked tightly with the key thrown far away into the seas...

Unregistered

I fully understand how u feel. I lost my fiance recently too. He had leukaemia. Tomorrow will be the 100th day he left me. I am still very much in grief & trying very hard to move on. I do admit it is tuff, tuff getting on with life as things aren't going to be the same anymore.

Perhaps, I shouldn't have used my late fiance to compare with ur dad. After all, we all only have 1 father in our whole lives. But as I read through ur entries, I can't help but to recall the entire process from the day he was diagnosed with the cancer till the day he died.

Be strong, brace up. My heart is with u.

Unregistered

I am sorry for your loss.

Unregistered

I'm so sorry to hear about this. And I understand about your want of privacy. You made me think about my own old folks. Do take care.

Unregistered

Dear Kenny, my parents knew your father. And they say that he was indeed a great man, an incredibly smart strategist and yet so humble. He really helped kch alot by creating so many jobs.

My condolences to you and your family. Be strong, and don't worry. I will not spread word of your blog. Take care.

Unregistered

Be strong my friend...

Unregistered

i really felt like crying when i read bout your entries...

i kind of worried bout it being my turn as well in time to come. Rather afraid, very afraid.

It's like gut wrenching yet heart warming to read bout how you miss your father.

I do not wish to mention this on my blog, but just to let you know, im really affected.

I do not know what else to say besides take care and my sincere condolences...im just lost for words.

Unregistered

Take good care of yourself so your family can count on you during this difficult time.

Unregistered

my deepest sympathy.

Unregistered

they say it's better to have loved and lost than not love at all. your dad had plenty of love for so many ppl and had received the same from every single one of you. :) he might not be around anymore, but the footsteps he left in your lives are permanent imprints....

and as cliched as this may sound - might not be much of a comfort but - just think of him as not being physically there but is still very much emotionally and spiritually present; and loving you all very much, still.

god bless kenny, ohmitohfoh. *hugs*

Unregistered

they say it's better to have loved and lost than not love at all. your dad had plenty of love for so many ppl and had received the same from every single one of you. :) he might not be around anymore, but the footsteps he left in your lives are permanent imprints....

and as cliched as this may sound - might not be much of a comfort but - just think of him as not being physically there but is still very much emotionally and spiritually present; and loving you all very much, still.

god bless kenny, ohmitohfoh. *hugs*

Unregistered

cry if you want to.but remember to stand up again and always stay strong for the people around you.
remember that all of us in the blogsphere will be here for you.take care and god bless.

Unregistered

My deepest condolences.

Unregistered

Hi Kenny,
Been reading your blog for a while now, after getting to know you through Caleb. I remember the most recent post at that time was you taking time off to attend to your sick father. Please accept my condolence, that you are being thought of at this hour. Grieving is not a sign of sickness - it shows you are deeply moved by your loss, that you are taking time to appreciate it, and most importantly, that you are willing to take stock and move on. God bless, take care...

Unregistered

My father also has cancer and i understand how much a terrible ordeal it has been for you.But now as your father has passed on i can only tell you one thing..be strong ...i'm sure your father is watching over you and his heart swells with pride everytime he sees you because you are his son and you have achieved so much...god bless over you,your family and your dad who is in a much better place...

Unregistered

thank you for sharing your most intimate thoughts kenny. it takes guts to be able to still write about such a devastating event that most people can't even talk about.
*tabik
your blog is something i look forward to read at the end of the day. i laugh myself silly at the wu-liao posts and...well...er...*sniff...at the heart wrenching posts about your father. I want to say that i feel your pain but i know that isn't possible as the emotional upheaval u are going thru can only be understood by someone who has been thru a similar situation.
your blog has certainly touched my life ad i'm sure it has reached out to many others too.
thanks for keeping it real.
be strong in the meantime and do take care fella.
*hugs*

Unregistered

stay strong. *hugs*

Unregistered

my condolence to you..remember to take care good care of yourself.....

Unregistered

This is my first time here but having recently lost my dad to cancer and spending all the time with him and the numerous trips to the Cancer clinic.. I know how hard it is for you. Cry and remember the good times you had. Keep his memory strong. He is not suffering now. May God Bless and give you and your family strength in this time of grief.

Unregistered

just happened to hop around the blogs and read your entry. i'm really sorry to hear that. hope u feel better soon...take care.

Unregistered

dear kenny, my deepest condolences go out to you and your family. i am so sorry to hear about your loss and the loss of a great man. i hope you will continue to find the strength to pull you through this.

Unregistered

My deepest condolences to you and family in your hour of grief

But remember life implies death, and death implies life.
Death is therefore as creative as birth, as necessary for action and consciousness, in your terms.

Death, however, does not exist in those terms. In the dawn of physical existence, men knew that death was merely a change of form.

The YOU that you consider yourself to be are NEVER annihilated. Your consciousness is NOT snuffed out, nor is it swallowed. You are expanding your psychic structure and becoming what your soul is.

Rest assures that death is another beginning. A death is just a night to his soul. He had lived before and will live again, and his new life, in your terms, springs out of the old, and is growing in the old and contained within it as the seed is already contained within the flower.

Unregistered

My condolences, again. You are a strong guy, really. But this is one of the saddest and most compassionate entries that I read in a long, long time.

Unregistered

i'm so shocked. i remember coming here two days ago, to your entry dedicated to your father's younger life. i remember thinking he's going to be alright because he has such a filial son like you.

I'm lost for words. I'm sorry for your loss (cliche but the only words i can manage right now). Hugs and triple hugs.

Unregistered

Take care, Kenny.

Unregistered

Take Care.

Unregistered

"Cities and Thrones and Powers"
by Rudyard Kipling (1865-1936)

Cities and Thrones and Powers
Stand in Time's eye
Almost as long as flowers,
Which daily die:
But, as new buds put forth
To glad new men,
Out of the spent and unconsidered Earth
The Cities rise again.
This season's Daffodil
She never hears
What change, what chance, what chill,
Cut down last year's;
But with bold counterance,
And knowledge small,
Esteems her seven days' continuance,
To be perpetual
So Time that is o'er-kind
To all that be,
Ordains us e'en as blind,
As bold as she:
That in our very death,
And burial sure,
Shadow to shadow, well persuaded, saith,
"See how our works endure!"

~ Life is temporal but memories still stay. Forever ~

Unregistered

Our deepest condolence to you and your family.
Take good care, and be strong.

Unregistered

I Love Guang Liang and it also u SO Much ,I want u 2 sex with me , Suck my Chee Bye ,Lick my chee bye ,suck my shed place and I also suck ur Lang Jiao ,Lick ur Lang Jiao ,and suck ur shit place one last thing lets lick our Tongue together in " Bed "! k? sweet heart....remember....b...b...bb...be..be..bee...bed...........Lick it.........suck it.......

Unregistered

i think he sucks. I came to this web page is to critise him. I dun think he is a good singer at all. His songs are all so sad. He is not even happy. He should learn how to smile. Common sense also don't know. He is the worse chinese singer i had ever heard. I don't know why he is so popular. I think the people out there are all blind. People, People don't get cheated by him!!! If you support me please send me a email. We will protest to extinguish his songs forever.

Unregistered

Guang Liang

Gambate...U must work hard cause ur songs really nice...Take care

Unregistered

@&*(#(&#*&#!@(*@^)&%^!&(

Ally obviously came to the wrong page to 'critise'.

Kenny, work hard for your songs, ok? Wo men hui yong yuan zhi chi ni de.

Unregistered

yes yes, kenny. fairytale's a lovely sappy tearjerker :) love it!

Unregistered

i just got addicted to the Tong Hua song ... so i was searching on google for the mpeg. apparently the one that was sent to me by someone else cannot be viewed. i can only hear the song. grrrr ... anywaysssss ... i stumbled on your xanga. i luv your style of writing. as you can tell ... mine is ghetto. anywhooooooo ... just dropped by to say hi. lol even though your post was in April. aiight ... back to work. buh bi

Unregistered

I'm sorry for the lost of your beloved father 2 months ago. Although not knowing you and your family personally, but I was in tears when reading about how you've missed your father. Fortunately enough, my parents are still with me but I'm so scared of the day when it would come to say good-bye forever...The thought of that day to come could already make me sad and in tears. I love my parents very much and pray that the day wouldn't have to come so soon. And Kenny, one day you will be like your father, someone who will be successful, someone who will need to read his blog like everyday must have a cup of kopi-o, someone who will say "Kenny Sia is my father whom I'm very proud of!"

Keep up with the good blogs, and reading your blogs at the end of the day makes me feel I have just discharged my stress and anger for the day! Thank you!

Unregistered

can anyone tell me where can i download this song...i mean tong hua...

Unregistered

Can i read the entry? I suddenly have this deja-vu feeling when typing this. hmm.

Unregistered

aww kenny, i'm so sorry to hear tht he died and i knw it was 2 years ago but i'm still so sorry bout it. but life goes on(:

i'm sure he's in a better place in Heaven, talking to God(:
God had loved him more as what my folks would say.

Unregistered

aww this has been quite some time ago.. but i'm sure it's all the same painful.. i understand. Pls be strong.. though i dun noe u personally.. but u're a nice guy.. hope God bless you and your Dad and take an utmost care of your father.. God please protect this family forever and let them be strong amidst all the hardship and loss. GBU.

Unregistered

Hi kenny,i read your old postss after reading your tribute to your dad,these posts touch my heart like how it has touched others.Do continue to make your dad proud.It's good you have such a role model to guide you.

i truly understand what you mean by hurtful mindless gossip in a small palce ^^

Unregistered

Hi Kenny,

Your blog reminded me of how I felt when my dad passed away. Coincidentally, it's in early May too last year. I sometimes even think of how he looked when he took his last breath.

I think your dad is more fortunate in a sense cause he passed on in familiar surroundings... home. My dad passed away at the hospital and I think he was longing to go home while in there. I guess he never thought that would be his last trip travelled from home.

Anyway, I'm sure both men are doing well now... I still pray for him a lot now even though he's gone. I hope you will too. :)

Unregistered

Hey Kenny,
the entries reminded me of my father as well.. he passed away early of last month when we were on the way sending him to hospital. i touched and kissed his cold hands for the last time when doc told us that he had tried his best. it was very heart-breaking and i cried until i hardly could stand up. its really hard to accept the fact that he's gone forever.
i really miss him alot.. but i know i have to be strong in order to take care of the family. hope you take care too. hugs

Unregistered

be strong kenny.

Unregistered

God Bless You !

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