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Sunday, 06 March 2005

Long Distance Love Triangle

Last evening as I was talking to a friend, I was told of a friend's father's mother's son's wife's daughter (heh) who apparently is caught in a love triangle.

Its a classic scenario. A recipe for disaster.

Girl has boyfriend back home. Girl goes overseas for studies. Girl meets new boy overseas. New boy goes after girl. Girl hooks up with new boy. Old boy oblivious to the whole thing.

(Btw, ppl who knows me or them in real life... much appreciated if you don't luan luan guess who I'm talking about. ;))
Sydney Cityscape in sunset

Girl goes to big city to further her education, and gets more than she bargained for.

I was shocked by the whole thing. I knew that the new boy has been going after her for a few months now, in full knowledge that she has a boyfriend back home. It was a few months ago when her boyfriend was visiting her that I saw them hugging intimately in front of the new boy. And now, the new boy is with the girl.

I asked Nicole.

"Can meh?"

"Can... the boyfriend not here. And he doesn't know bah! Why not?"

Gee. Thanks for making me feel better, my long-distance girlfriend!

Can this really be done? Can a girl have another boyfriend overseas, when she has a boyfriend back home? Can she be allowed to subscribe to third party insurance, before the current insurance policy expire? Can she allow multiplayer for a game that's meant to be for single players only? Can she install a back up hard disk, in case the current hard disk becomes corrupted?

Sorry for the cheesy analogies. :)
Is love a multiplayer game?

Is love a multiplayer game?

It reminded me the wise words of my friend Alston back in 2001 when Nicole and I were having our first bout of long-distance relationship. The wise one said "You are qualified to have another girlfriend if your current girlfriend is more than 500km away from you."

Of course, this is coming from the same person who once said "A girlfriend's expiry date is exactly one year from the first day of usage." Well, Alston has been dating his gf for more than a year now. So I take what he said with a grain of salt.
My friend Alston

Alston and his theories on long distance relationships.

I am worried. With Nicole in Perth and me in Kuching, she is in a perfect position to "find another one" if she wanted to. After all, she's this smart, beautiful girl its only a matter of time before someone decides to hit on her and make her totally disregard my existence.

But she's my girlfriend of four years. I should trust her. I know I should trust her. We had 1.5 years of long distance before and we survived dammit!

Then again, if she wanted to, she can do it and I wouldn't even know about it. It makes me really vulnerable. I probably knew why the girl did it. The new boy is a fun and caring person, a great alternative to her boyfriend. She needs someone to fill in the void left by the current boyfriend when he's not physically by her side.
Maybe I should be involved in a scandal myself

Maybe I should be involved in a scandal myself.

Yet, she's not willing to part with her current boyfriend because he's someone she sees herself having a future with. The new boy is just a temporary one to fill in for the job, but she wouldn't discount possibly having a future with him if he can prove himself right.

I could never approve of what the girl does, nor what the new boy did. I symphathize her current boyfriend for not knowing anything. And even if he knew, there's nothing he can do about it.

I know many people would disagree with me, telling me that my thinking is old-fashioned and stuff.

"They are all young 20-something people, why restrict themselves to one person? All is fair in love and war, whattttt."

"If she doesn't mind, he doesn't mind and the boyfriend doesn't know... Why you so busybody?"

"Sometimes people know what they are doing is wrong, but they do it anyway... That's called LOVE!"

They say it as a bright golden halo appears over their heads and a single tear rolls down their cheeks.

I say BULLSHIT lah! Now you get two for the price of one, and you find it so fun. Next time people do it back to you, then how? Are you gonna kau peh kau boo over it? At least you should break up with your current boyfriend if you were to pursue this new relationship bah, right? What if your boyfriend find out? Then how? And how long can this go on? Forever? I don't think so! In the end you have to choose and when that happens... at best you have one broken heart, at worst you have three broken hearts!
Maybe eventually they can settle it WWE style in a 10-foot-high steel cage ladder match.

Maybe eventually they can settle it WWE style in a 10-foot-high steel cage ladder match.

Then again, that's just what I think. Judging by the number of people going overseas for studies, I'm sure many people would have experienced long-distance relationship at some point. So I'm interested to know what you think.

Is my notion of love and relationship too traditional to be applied in the 21st century? Are we allowed to have a temporary partner if our current partner is overseas, provided everyone keeps hush about it?

77 Comments

Unregistered

when i was in the US, it happened to me twice over a span of 3 yrs. i'm still with her at the moment, but it always make me think whether i'm such a dumb ass to continue on. i'm such an old fashion, so sometimes i just want to get naughty, just to see how it's like. therefore i flirt around as much as possible, and then i tell it to her to sort of get back at her. haha i'm such a fucker. relationship is such hard work sometimes it's a burden.

Unregistered

kenny! dude, way too many questions!! if someone attempted to answer them here, we might have to celebrate a golden anniversary along the way. my advice is to probably limit yourself to four q's a day to feel better, more sleep. trust me on this one.

but my thoughts?
its never ok to violate the trust b/w two people no matter how far away one is. then again, i think the problem is less about being old fashioned and more about assumptions. see, in this day in age, this trust & the nature of the r/s should never be assumed & unless it's been discussed, one party might have diff expectations.

if the commitment's there, LDR is never a right off. and if ppl agree to open r/s then who am i to judge? ok, you knowing me and i knowing you, i suppose my comments are pretty predictable. p.s. that goat analogy is hilarious.

Unregistered

I think if we are to commit to someone, we have to be 100% committed especially if it's a long distance relationship. Because in a long distance relationship, it's all about trust. And so if you make the other partner not trust you, then surely the relationship is going to fail. So, Kenny, if your girlfriend really loves you, she won't want the relationship to fail and she definitely will not get involve with someone else. But if she does, then she's not worthy of your love. No offence intended. Just speaking from experience.

Unregistered

True love sticks through thick and thin. And if it wasn't meant to be, you can glue two person together and they can still go separate way. This much, I know. Cheers!

Unregistered

apparently, this is the trend nowdays... long distance love is a thing of the past... you are allowed to have commercial while enjoying the movie... and damn man, it hurts...!!!

Unregistered

ok this is from my experience ok.
had have had 3 long distance relationship in my life and all 3 never work out. sorry dude but its the reality of life. LDR is hard. samore overseas LDR lagi susah. it takes more then trust and love. its HARDWORK + TEARS.

you can tell me that i am wrong but that is my 2 cents for you. :*)

Unregistered

Watever they say..
Tats jus stupid...
No matter how far apart... ...I mean...wat kind of excuse is tat..?

I dont eXactly blame the new boy...Coz sometimes the new one is the one thats true.. (Lets assume he's in love wit the girl and feels that if she feels the same way, they shud b together..)

But if the girl wants to b wit the new one, yes, the least she cud do is break it off with her boyfriend..
This is jus plain two-timing...

Ofcourse its unfair to him..

All is fair, as in, she Has the right to have a r/s wit a new guy, but not without breaking it off wit her bf..

Unregistered

i think whether or not an LDR can succeed depends on the degree of trust between the 2 involved.

then because of the lack of physical intimacy, emotional attachment must make up for the LDR to work out.

my impression is that you're witty, well-built and handsome, so if it were to settled WWE style, you'd probably win! haha!

all the best!

Unregistered

i think i was almost de 'new gf' of a guy. his gf was in perth, and i knew he was lonely, and tried to flirt around wif me to fill in de gf's job. but i totally disagree wif this, n dats rite, wat kind of excuse is dat?

i dunno but does LDR means dat u can hv a new bf/gf for physical intimacy sake?

Unregistered

That's when commitment comes in. Many people are vulnerable to this - they can be totally oblivious about the whole thing. Is trust all we need? Sometimes your trust gets betrayed. We gotta play smart - Communication is important. It's natural to feel insecure.

Howevery, if A finally somehow finds out that B has been two-timing him, A shouldn't cry over B. It's not worth crying for such two-timers. Ah well, it's always easier said than done. Hope I don't get into this shit next time. *fingers crossed*

Unregistered

Long distance is build based on trust, if you trust them enough, I'm sure to let them have a 'temporary' fun wouldnt hurt. However, I do think it's best for both parties (or perhaps all three or more parties) to be notified about what's going on. In the end, it'll save some heart problems, no? Just a thought anyway..

Unregistered

I've been involved in two LDRs and have been the one who wanted out, and the one who was cheated on. The dreamer side of me still believes that LDRs work with alot of effort and trust. But the realist in me says it's a whole lot of crap that is doomed to fail.

I think it depends ALOT on the people who are involved in the LDR, it takes both sides to want it to work for it to work.

Unregistered

Yes-I suppose emotional attachment and trust and lots of faith in each other is very important. Both must also put in effort to make it work. The thing is, never attempt to try an LDR until you're at least 2-3 years in a relationship. Why? Simply because you have build a certain firm foundation in order to create the emotional attachment that stems out of love instead of need.
And since they're apart from each other, it's best to do some inner discovery and take the advantage of the space provided to grow. That'd surely distract you from looking for external fun and whatnots.

Unregistered

Holy cow. I didn't expect this whole long-distance love affair thing to have happened to so many people!

First, some thoughts on long distance relationship itself...

To Felicia & Hsin, I'm sad to hear that LDR didn't work out for you. Like Feli said, LDR is a lot more than hardwork, trust and love... its also a lot of money spent on calling cards. But MunKit and Kher Ying said that it depends on the people lah. With people travelling so much these days, LDR is inevitable in a lot of relationships. I say for every 2 LDRs that don't work, there are 3 that work out fine in the end. Example, me. Heck, even my parents were in a LDR at some point!

Narrowband said communication is important. I say its life-and-death critical. If you're in a LDR you better start saving money for calling cards. Constantly reassuring your partner that you're there for him/her will make him/her think twice whenever one of those pesky distractions come along.

5xmom - Auntieee... you watched too many lomance movies! Though what you said is true. Two people in love can feel like they are next to each other eventhough they are a world apart. Yet two people who do not love each other can feel like they are a world apart even if they are standing right in front of each other.

Now, on whether or not it is ok to have a third party whilst physically away from your partner...

If your bf/gf doesn't know about it, then its cheating. Harsh word to use, but true.

My thinking is actually more in tune with Allyssa. Don't two time, let's just do it one at a time. That's provided the person already in a relationship do not deliberately seek out and flirt with other people like what ThunderFoXy's friend did.

BUT... one thing I cannot, cannot, CANNOT stand - is when other people make advances on my gf knowing that she is attached to me. It has happened to people I know but thank god it has never happened to me (I think... I hope!) To me, if you flirt with somebody else's partner, that's more than just pushing your luck, that's asking for trouble. You CANNOT flirt with someone who is attached eventhough their partner might not be by their side. Eminem said "There's a certain line you just don't cross and he just crossed it." When you are in a relationship, would you want someone to do that back to you?

ThunderFoXy asked if its ok to have a new bf/gf for physical intimacy's sake. I supposed that meant things your long distance bf/gf cannot provide... ie, a kiss, a reassuring hug, or *cough* you-know-what-I-mean. I'm no sexpert, so maybe someone else can answer. But I know I can tahan not having physical intimacy and hence, no need for a third party.

Unfortunately, you might have to settle for cybersex (credits to MunKit). A LDR is indeed a testament to how far you can go without all these things. If you survived, I suppose that would make the first hug and the first kiss at the airport all the more explosive.

Anon said if she loves you she won't betray you. Easier said than done. On the other hand, if a sexy lingerie-wearing model girl starts humping your leg... are you gonna say 'No, I have a girlfriend. Go away!' In this instance, it actually helps if you're built like a beer barrel like me.

What if all parties involved are informed on what's going on?

Its not cheating if everyone knows what's going on before it happened.

mie and Anonymous brought up the topic of open relationship which might be a solution to the loneliness of a LDR. An open relationship means you can have fun with other ppl but I can have fun with other ppl too, provided everyone knows about it. Maybe I'm old-fashioned but having an open relationship to me is like sharing your gf around like a cake in an office party. Would you want back your piece of half-eaten cake everyone has touched?

Similarly, what if your half-eaten cake prefer to be eaten by someone else? Ok, bad example...

cccp - I somewhat admire you for being able to tolerate what has happened and yet continue on with the relationship even after the trust has been violated. The element of revenge present in your instance is understandable, though not something I'd encourage. Of course, once again, easier said than done. But hey, at least you tell it to her! No matter how stupid it is, somehow telling her beats having her finding out in the end.

Favourite quote of the day goes to Nilesh Babu... "you are allowed to have commercials while enjoying the movie." What the foot?

Unregistered

This is a really hot topic and I suppose the only way for it to seem mildly understandable is through one's own theorising. With respect to your beliefs, I must say, I echo them. Indeed, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but personally (and I mean personally), I wouldn't go for them knowing I wouldn't want the same kind of treatment in return.

But I suppose it's kind of catch 22, huh? I mean, just because you don't want to doesn't mean he or she doesn't want to either. I suppose you need that kind of trusting foundation to build that kind of 长途恋爱-thing on, and yes Kenny, you are right to say you should trust your lady. In my (somewhat limited) experience, I have come to realise that the more trust you put in someone and your relationship with them, the more that trust is returned. I think, as a girl, we should just be 坦白 with our boys, and visa versa. It's one way of making the journey together less difficult, I think.

Unregistered

One of my few chauvinistic pleasures is when I a catch a girl checking me out while her boyfriend is holding her hand.

Not that it happens all that much. :)

In my opinion, LDRs are often a symptom of serial indecisiveness; in this girl's case, she can't break up but can't stay together. The unfulfilled party needs to make a decision; stay together, or get out.

Unregistered

hm. yup. no need for 3rd party. dats just causing much trouble. or prolly even interfering wif ppl's relationship.

i learn alot from this entry, kenny. im just afraid i might caught in this circumstances. ill be more prudent from now on. =)

hugsssss...!

Unregistered

dude, you got me wrong (or right)... what i was trying to say was, that i was in such relationship... my ex gf had a bf who went overseas, she broke up with him and came after me. i loved her like none other, but when the bf came back, she ditch me... it hurts like none other... that's what i meant...

my philosophy in love is simple, if you can't do it (love), don't do it (love), cause at the end, someone is going to suffer... there is more to reality than what it meets the eye...

Peace Out!!!

Unregistered

another person's possession is always sweet to get, so sometimes i find myself very attracted to another person's gf. eventhough i've experienced being at the receiving end couple of times, it doesn't stop me from being attracted to those girls. what goes around comes around, it's bound to happen. love's a bitch.

Unregistered

Bek - "the more trust you put in someone and your relationship with them, the more that trust is returned" my sentiments EXACTLY! Many people think that if they trust their partners too much or give them too much space they are going to abuse it. But if you don't trust them, you are virtually strangling them to the point where they might expire.

Jon - Hahahaa!!! WHAT LAH! You reminded me of a friend who once said about her's ex's new boyfriend... "I take pleasure knowing that I have slept with her current gf."

Victoria - Well, respect your boundaries and (hopefully) others will respect yours. :)

Nilesh - Ouch! Wouldn't want to be in your shoes. She's doing the right thing by not two-timing anyone, but its too bad she can't let go of her past. I do hope that you have better luck finding 'the one'.

cccp - Better to accept the fact that love is a bitch, than to be a bitch in a love triangle.

Unregistered

Kenny, your funny posts are awesome but you've got a huge amount of intelligence and sensitivity in that brain of yours to balance your pervertedness, something that I respect very much about you. 'd like to say that we share similar views on this matter.

I myself detest infidelity VERY MUCH, and I don't give a shit as to what "modern" society thinks about this, fuck the system anyway, but I believe that if you already have a boyfriend then don't bloody play around. If her boyfriend was playing around when she was being loyal, how would she feel? Apparently a lot of people don't take into account the feelings of another.

I myself haven't been involved in a long-distancve relationship before but I have sort of felt the effects of being kept around as a plaything.

I hated it.

Unregistered

I'm having a long distance relationship with my boyfriend for like almost 3 years. To be precise, we are entering the third year. It's not easy like anyone else said. The important is the feelings we have for each other and strong love, this is a must for a relationship in order not to get stale.

We have to update with each other life's often as we all know enviromental factors MIGHT change us into another person. But LOVE won't change, it will be embedded forever in your heart. You just have to feel it, alright. I personally have found mine.

Physical replacement is a foolish thing to do for the girl. She will eventually broke down if she finds out who she really loves. The question is, "Is the current boyfriend is her TRUE LOVE?". There's a difference between a true love and just love and affection. Love can grow. Maybe she haven't find the right one yet.

But talking about a girlfriend's responsibility, she should have told the current boyfriend. She's maybe just an irresponsible girlfriend. This attitude can be blamed. But if she really love the other guy, nothing can be said and done. It's already too late.

Unregistered

Aiyoh, stay single lar...so much trouble...get a dog or something, they are less likely to run from u (if u keep the food coming)

Unregistered

hehe. aileen seems to have a very practical answer to this. pets do tend to be loyal.

i won't say whether i approve of two timing or not, because that's really personal choice. but if you dare to say that you love a person, you would know not to play with her heartstrings. simple as that. i'm a firm believer of free enterprise, as long as only you are the one with the risk. if you get killed, that's a bit sad, but your own loss. but i also belive that this free enterprise should be tempered with a tiny bit of consideration. so, it doesn't mattter if it's long distance or not, if you play with fire, get ready to be burned.

Unregistered

I'm in a LDR nearly a year now. I should say it takes loadsa effort and anti-heartache "medication" to survive in a LDR relationship. It's not easy when someone is so far away and you miss ur honey like every single second of the day. Communication is of course very very important because without that, ur darling would have "owwwh-he-don't-love-me-anymore" syndrome for sure. Dat's wat's happening to me almost everyday. Arguements and misunderstandings is normal. It's really normal. I had that like almost every week because I miss him too much and over protective of him, worry about him and such. But when I got the chance to meet him, I would ask him why he is still with me? And he told me, "because I trust you". With that, my heart kinda melt and would feel very guilty if I hook with someone else. Girls need security, we need to feel that someone we love is always around us. I think if you want a physical intimacy without ur honey, try sms-intercourse, dat wat I read from a girlie magazine. Never tried it before, but it's logic in some way. Man gets wat he want, the gal feel appreciated. Agree?

Unregistered

heh~ im in a long distance relationship for 2 years now n as far as i can say "distance" is relative.

... i feel terribly bad for the guy back home! :(

Unregistered

It's already quite a headache for me, having need juggle my time between uni workloads and quality time to spend on with a partner. Now, two sommor?

No, thank you.

Cheating is cheating, no matter how you 'polish up' the excuses.

Good luck to all the LDR-ers.

Unregistered

I'm in a long distant relationship for 2 yrs and now I'm about to go home to reunion with bf. I dun felt excited or happy at all as I will lost my freedom again (dun say that just man enjoy freedom). The truth is I'm more outgoing and I enjoy all kinds of outdoor adventures that my bf is not keen in. So when I go back, I have to sacrifice my interest. Do I have a choice?
Change bf? Not real easy after hanging with the same guy for 10 yrs...

Unregistered

First of all, that is not even a "love triangle" Kenny...

It's plain cheating.
Unless both of them have mutually agreed that it's going to be an "open relationship" btwn the two of them, then there's nothing other ppl can say.

No harm having some "commercials" btwn TV shows analogy, IMHO, is total BS.

If two ppl are committed to one another, it should mean loyalty from all perspective. Including physical intimacy. If it's alright to be with someone else to fulfill that "intimacy void" just because your bf/gf is not able to do that, then it would be like agreeing that it's alright for married men to look for flings and prostitutes when their wives are are not around to fulfill their needs.

It's easy for the girl to make excuses like she's lonely etc etc. I just wonder what she would feel if the tables are turned.

What goes around, comes around...

Unregistered

When a third party get involved in a LDRs, there's only 1 outcome.. all 3 parties get hurt.. My own personal experience speaks for itself... I was the third party... i.e the 'new boy'..

The worst thing is that I knew exactly what I was getting into, and yet being so taken by the girl, who's obviously a great person, I went for it all.. It gave me one of the most wonderful experiences of my life so far, but it also gave me a heartbreak, that will probably not heal for a long time to come yet...

In the end, I chose to end it.. It is probably better for her, and better for me.... and I'm proud to say 3 months on, this decision has been the right one... Its all well and easy for the girl to say 'Let's try to remain friends'... after that passionate affair that we had for about 10 months.. The fact is, there is no friendship left the moment it transitted into the realm of a passionate lustful affair... Whatever 'friendship' that remains, is all but strained...

It was sweet while it lasted, but at the same time, the whole time i was with her, I was plagued with all sorts of insecurity.. What Kenny expressed in his Nov 4th 'Mindfucked' blog is seriously nothing compared to when this girl that I was involved in obviously could not make up her mind.. and constantly.. I was being taken for a spin, over and over again.. Its as u said.. mindfucked to think that I've a chance if I continue to make the effort.. but really, the outcome is obvious from day 1 - Its not gonna happen.. 4 years of relationship with a seemingly nice guy ( I never met the old boy by the way), is never gonna be replaced by what was 3-4 months of intense pursue and chemistry.. All along, I'm just but a stop gap..

But its so easy to blame the girl or me (the new boy).. but really it takes 2 hands to clap... I was foolish and idealistic enough to believe I can do play the bad guy and still come out the winner in the end, but really.. women in many ways, are much more practical creatures than men... With a lifestyle she craves for waiting for her in Canada, compared to Kuching where she doesn't fit in, it is pretty obvious that no matter how hard I try to help her settle in, its never gonna be enough.. Cos there are far too many 'What Ifs' in her brain.. what if i go back and find that I really miss Canada...

And that's precisely what she did... and I guess I saw it coming didn't I... She made her choice to remain faithful here then on.. finish up her research in 1 yrs time, and then make plans to head back to what she will call 'home' for many years to come in Canada.. The lifestyle and the green card on offer once she marries the white boy is just too much of an attraction..

No matter what I can offer in Kuching, I can never offer a green card.. besides, Canada is such a foreign place to me.. I'll prob prefer Australia to the cold wilderness of Calgary..

So here I am, 4 months on from when I finally ended this affair thing.. It was not easy.. nor was it amicable.. But I chose to end it the hard way, make it easier for both of us to have any thoughts of looking back and try to mend it back... I guess even if i was made used of to fill in the void in the past year, it was still an experience I'll never forget.. I still dream about it, but after the dream, i know there is no future beyond what happens in my cerebral cortex...

So if true love does exist between men and women.. I'm seriously skeptical.. at the end of the day, its all about siezing the moment to make things happen and work out.. Love and chemistry counts for nothing in the end..

Unregistered

Hey kenny,

I kinda admire how u stay faithful & all that thingy about trust. I personnally feel that is wat a relationship is about. Yeah she can have someone to fill the void when she is overseas, hey think about it, isit fair when u are hafing fun overseas and your bf is oblivious to it?On the other hand,isit fair tat he wanna haf fun,planting his seeds somewhere else? Honesty n faithful is the key lah.Stay faithful.

Unregistered

whether LDRs work or not reli depends on the level of strength u hv btwn one another..it reli does help if u actualy talk abt the whole process of goin throught it together...witholddin ur feelings from one another may jus build up a wall of insecurities making harder than it already is..the question reli is if this is what u reli want-if so, then stay true to ur heart..jus know tht shit also happens..
some of my frens think that puttin ur heart on the line for someone miles away is jus a waste of time but given the time and thought put into it,im ready for wat will or will not be thrown at me and if i could prevent myself or my other half from cheatin then i would..but i cant so come wat may
as for the third party, if it was intentional then it cant be helpd-wateva goes around comes around

Unregistered

Since I see a lot of people posting a comment on this post, I suddenly have the urge to do so too.

I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost a year. When we first started off, it was during one of his last few days in Kuching before he returned to Perth. From there, our LDR began. It won't end until I head to Perth to further my studies but that won't happen in another 2-3 years time.

My boyfriend was studying there. Most of the time, he was always too busy to talk much with me. All I could do was just be understanding and supportive towards him and whatever he did because he wanted to remain his status as the top international student in his uni.

It's hard to not feel neglected sometimes, but really, what can I do about that? I do end up crying about it sometimes and I haven't seen him in 5 months already.

All my friends wonder how can I bear with that for so long. They told me whenever they don't see their guys for a week, they'll go crazy missing them. I just told them what other choices do I have? I can't just give up on a relationship so easily because we don't see each other much. To me, I think that's very unfair.

My relationship with my boyfriend is still going very strong. Now that he's working, he'll call me up everynight for a while. I find it really enjoyable talking and teasing him over the phone every night before I sleep because that's our only form of comminication for the day. He hardly goes online now and for him to sms me costs a lot.

I believe LDR will be successful if you can build a strong trust and faith with your partner. Both parties have to be very understanding also la.

My boyfriend doesn't mind if I go out with other guys, even if it's a one-to-one thing. He told me he'll be fine with it as long I know what I'm doing, I'm not doing anything wrong behind his back and as long as I remain loyal to him. I think that's very fair. I just go out with some guy friends sometimes just for a chit-chat. It doesn't have to mean I'm already bored of him or I'm seeking someone new.

There was once I asked him, what if he finds someone better in Perth? This was what he said or at least it goes something like this..

"Even if there is someone much better than you, I'd chose to remain with you. It's like when you buy the lastest handphone in town, after a while, a new and better model will be released. Are you going to buy it? If you are, when will you ever catch up with the whole thing? If you keep wanting the latest phones, you'll end up as the one at lost because you're just wasting your money. Or perhaps when I work, then I see there's this company that offers a better pay, I'll leave my current company to work for that one because I want to earn more money. When I see there's an even better one, I'll do what I just did. What do I get in the end? People will lose respect in me and I won't gain any experience at work. I'll end up as a loser."

After that I asked him what if I leave him? He said something like.. "If that's what you wish to do, go ahead. The day you do that will be the day I'm glad you're out from my life. I don't need a bitch as my girlfriend."

I suppose its how you perceive things. I find what my boyfriend said is very true and rather inspiring. Wucha think Kenny?

Unregistered

"Now you get two for the price of one, and you find it so fun. Next time people do it back to you, then how? Are you gonna kau peh kau boo over it?"
i totally agree with you man! just despise such people. its like they can do it to others, but others can't do it to them. puh-lease. get a life!

Unregistered

its not as bad as those that when they are within the same country or same house they can also do that to their gf or bf. haiz

Unregistered

to love someone is to make commitments,101% of commitment.it's based on nothing but trust and hardwork from both.remember it takes two to tango?i'm on your side kenny.your principles of love can never be wrong,it doesnt matter which century we live in.it's still the same.you are not alone.long distance relationship is tough.i've seen many friends breaking up because one simply cannot resist the temptation..it's pointless to make promises to each other.make a promise to yourself and keep it till the end of time.this is what i think.and this is how i kept my long distance relationship going on for 5 years.he left to study abroad not too long after we 'started'.we were young girls and boys then.i'm not saying i've done a great job.all i want to say is that when both work hard,things will be much much more bearable.i dont know what will happen in the future.it's really not for me to think.i dont have any control over the future.but i'm very sure,he's the one.=)

Unregistered

Consider me old fashion, but I think the best way is to enter a relationship knowing that u'll want to be committed to the person for life, build a future together ie get married. If not, what is the point of having a relationship in the first place?

Unregistered

I never trusted girls when they overseas...the break up really happend to me...guess girls are easily fallen in love wiith...

Unregistered

A lots of LDR failure is caused by mild confidence and trust.

Nature of human-being is: like to guess instead of ask, make assumption before any observation, promise for the sake of promising.

In short, LOVE is all about communication. LDR needs more communication between 2 hearts. Most ppl neglect to tell their innermost feeling to their loved one but keep complaining and expecting them to read their mind. It's a great mistake.

2 years back i was in LDR situation, studied in UK. At first, i suggested to stop the relationship because of my insecurity and low confidence to maintain it. My bf insisted to hold this relationship and so sure of his love to me, i surrended.

In UK, i met a lot of credited guys with good qualities, and there're 2 especially close to me. Their gentleness and kindness always remind me of my bf. With their cares and loves they giving to me, made me felt so much in love... I never neglect that i'm having a LDR, and all of my new friends knew it at first place once they asked me about my status. I did so because of my bf's confidence that he showed me. Some of my friends suggested me to give a new relationship a try with either one of my close friends in UK without my bf notice, but i just can't let go the hardship of my LDR with my bf. So my relationship with the 2 Ibericans are merely up to intimate level and i'm blessed that they are not kabron who goes after other's gf. My LDR was safe.

Some claimed that the one(A) who goes abroad always be the one who betray in relationship. I neither agree or object on this claim. What i would like to share with, is A leaving his/her place and station in another new environment, requires more courages to adjust themselves than the one(B) who stay at the same place. A to be loyal to B, B definitely has the great responsibility to ensure A's confidence in security of love.

Sometimes try to stand at a different place and perceive things from a differ direction, you'll learn more and may see the beautiful side instead of the evil side of one matter. To make yourself happy and positive, influence the ppl surrounding you in order to make our world a better place to live in, is everybody's obligation. (Errrr, this paragraph may not link to the main topic, hope you all don't mind)

Love is all about care, share, patient and practice. Cheers~

Unregistered

ppl keeps saying LDR won't work becoz they went thru it themselves. a lot of times, u have one side stubbornly and faithfully waiting, while the other side dishonestly cheat. but, still.. these stubborn faithful people exist, right? if u find 2 faithful person coming together, it's not that hard to maintain a LDR. Don't popularise the idea that it won't work. hence nobody try to make it work anymore. it's just a perfectly good excuse to not trying. for people who doesn't have the will power to try and endure thru it.. probably they don't deserve this true undying love. get real? this is real life? no. this is not REAL life. this is just real life for certain people. and it is catching on to many other ppl. the easier way isn't always the right way. what is the right way? traditional family value.. is this the right way? or one night stand, wild casual sex, constantly changing partner... is this the true way??? it all depends on what type of life u want. if u want to live a life where your partner is not faithful to u, and u can accept the fact that your wife/husband is not faithful to u, then, the second life is your true way. but if that's not what u want... and u r giving up becoz the popular belief is that, real life is like this, useless to try anymore... then either u like it or not... u will have to live the second type of life, either u want it or not.

don't be selfish and give to receive what u want.

Unregistered

When I first came to Sin 2 yrs ago, I've been attached to my bf for 10 yrs. I never lose confidence in him & myself as we trust & love each other.

Things changed when I met another guy, who made me feel special and important. I had tried very hard to avoid him and focus on my bf. After all these suffering and struggling, I finally decided to leave my bf. I'm clear what I'm doing. I know he's the one. I know what I really want and who I truly love.

Don't judge if I'm doing right or wrong. After all I'm the one to be responsible for myself.


Unregistered

aihhh....aihhhhhhhhhhh......

Unregistered

after reading this i felt a lil better i guess. posting would be futile since it is from 2005

my story goes like this. met this girl back home, got off quite well, i wet overseas to study for one year (remain in contact, friendly chat and stuff) then went back home the second time, a relationship started, went along pretty quick, parents like her and stuff thought it would be forever not even tsunami will sweep us apart.trust her, pamper her, believe in her , the lot. everything in that period went really smooth, no disagreement or quarrel always on the same channel. but then i have to go study again in oz.

chatted everyday, called her everytime she is free. exchanged cards and gift (through mail la) months goes by like that. until my birthday towards the end of the year. things started to changed her friends (girl and single) brought her out to meet new people and stuff.a week after my birthday i heard rumours from my close friend la saying stuff about her (of coz i trust the girl with everything) until one day when we talk on the phone she seem unusually quiet i asked her what's wrong and stuff, obviously i am only human so i remembered the rumours. so i asked her if it is true then she broke down crying and stuff. saying there's a third person which she met like 2-3 weeks ago. and that time i found out was right before my exams.

i loved her so much that i forgive and forget about it. and want to be with her no matter what. after my exams i go striaght back la even change my ticket to go back earlier.

back together i asked her to give me a few weeks to see how things go. in this few weeks it has not been like last time. but i gave it all, took her to places, cook for her, drive her to uni(semester still going) with all the mod and cons la.

then she still want to remain with the third perosn. how sad. i believe i had done everything i could show my love for her. but somehow she still would not come back to me. however i made a promise to be her friend (what she wanted). now after 5 months i still think of her everyday and sometime it make me feel so down. i tried chatting with her sendin her e-mails (all was initiated by me). does she mean what she wanted? being friend with me?

if anyone is reading this please tell me what is ur take on this.

Unregistered

Well, what happened remains history. Love only works with both party agreed to be in the relationship. My suggestion is, leave it or take it. If she doen't appreciate you, then leave it. One day she will regret it. For now, relax and chill out with your best friend or even better start dating new girl. THere's a saying goes, if old thing don't leave, new thing wouldn't come right? So sit back, relax and hope for the best. Who know's you will have a prettier, more charming girl friend in the future? Good luck =)

Unregistered

I had long distance relationship before and I trusted him for everything he did. Everything really went well. However when he came back to my side, somehow, I no longer feel the spark between us, suddenly he became more like a friend than bf.

Unregistered

i always try and live by the rule ...

that do not do onto others

what you dont want done to you . . .

plain and simple . . . .

but sometimes i just cant help . ..

but any1 who 2times somebody is in the wrong . .

yeah yeah . . fill the void crap but who will fill the void of the person waiting ???

Unregistered

thanx louiswong83.you are prolly right. i have been clearing out my closet.felt better.

Unregistered

not only did I manage to get into a love triangle, I managed to turn it into a love square. when my boyfriend left for the US, I immediately started a relationship with another guy behind his back. a few months later that guy left for the US too, and I nearly immediately started a relationship with another guy behind both of those guy's backs. I ended up hurting the last two guy's feelings, and now I'm back with my bf, who doesn't know what I've done and I don't plan on telling him.

I regret what I have done. I'm not proud of it. And I will never do it again. I've successfully ruined two friendships by what I have done.

Unregistered

What??? Screw you, girl!!!

Unregistered

Well, ....
Kenny sound like having lots of comments on gals..and mostly negative one.hehe.
Mayb its becoz u r a male?
While I have lots of disgrudges and dissatisfaction with guys instead. Is there anyone who can help to comment on tis?
I do have a share by having a long distance relationship. Bf keep going overseas for work. And now is another few mths stuff. E thing i hate most is no connection. No phone calls, no sms, er,,,yes got online, for few min once every week. Telling me sms is expensive and no time to online. wat is going on?
recently, my good fren asking me "wat is love? do u belive in true love"
all i could do was "haha". u must be in love then.
coz all my ex bfs asking me e same question when they were going after me. giving me all sorts of highly god answers.Now none of them is alive in my life now. Gone with e wind, just with e answer, no more feeling. Is it really a "haha"?

Unregistered

I'm no reltaionship expert here, neither am i a firm supporter of LDRs, but like what most ppl said, its all bout trust and communication. 'what is goin on' u say. Lack of communication? Perhaps. Have you ever had a serious discussion wit him on this issue whenever he's back? If u had, spare a thought for urself on what went wrong and how to solve it with him. If not, its about time start doin so if u wanna save this relationship. Wishin u all e best! ;)

Unregistered

Get Grants . It is really ecdf49643204219

Unregistered

Great! U are one of the members of 'endangered species club'. haha... Long distance love is difficult, i'm facing the same prob as well. Wat to do? Trust urself & ur gf/bf. unless i know i'm faithful enuf.... Cheers ^^

Unregistered

I never believe in long distance relationship. Especially when got together for not long before starting the long distance relationship. Unless if you are talking about 5+ years relationship before parting, then that might stand a chance.

Also I never understood why people always include their bf/gf in the very special photo occacion such as family potrait, or family graduation potrait, or sibling wedding family potrait.....I've seen alot of cases where people broke up and shit, parents have to keep away the special occasion photos because there's an extra person in the picture....weird

Unregistered

me? Hmmmm

Unregistered

no its not right..
im studying overseas n my bfren is constantly worried but, yeah. its not fair.at all. its not traditional thinking. it's respect for ur partner and that's what trust is all about.

Unregistered

i'm in a LDR right now. and i think it's breaking down.
something i've been struggling with. what if the LDR is not temporary. i mean most of e LDR i've seen are just temporary when either party joins their gf or bf eventually at one point of time. tell me what's the point of continuing a relationship when u know the separation is going to be on till god knows when. isn't it better to break it off? gosh i'm 2 years behind time. this post is dated back to 2005 ain't it

Unregistered

well, i was the new boy once... along with a friend of mine who was also running for the new boy... well.. i had most of the fun... but later got dumped.. and so did her current bf... and i was also dumped by my friend.... well... we're still ok actually.. just talked a lot less... so my advise is, love triangles sark... everyone gets dumped... play fair and u will be happier... like the current me now... :)

Unregistered

My gf of 8 years cheated on me with another guy while i was in US and shes all the way on the other side of the globe...
when i found out about all the lies and betrayal...for the first time in my life i seriosuly considered the idea of taking my own life...

we were apart for 2yrs+ and although ive spent all my time talking to her, entertaining her EVERY single day...i sacrificed my time, my social life, my money and even my school work (flunking school)...
yet she felt it wasnt enough...
she wanted more attention and the physical contact...so she hooked up with the other guy knowing hes not right for her...

after i found out...she broke down and asked for forgiveness...as stupid as i am to forgive her and wanted to give the relationship another try...
its now different...all the trust and faith is lost...

sry to be the one and spoild it for everyone...but LDR just doesnt work...u never learn until u've been hurt...

Unregistered

wahaha, scott steiner. xD

Unregistered

dude!
i am probably in the condition same as with your girl.
i migrate to other countries just to pursue my parent's ambition to me and left my BF.
long distance love affair is really a hard working relationship to both of the parties.
though sometimes, it made me think, if this relationhip of ours will work or not, should it be better to break up with him or stay with him till the time will finally come for us to be together,cause we're waiting for 5 years so i could able to file a petition for him to get him to where i was now.
But still, i really love him, i really do love him, and im telling you trust is the most important factor in this kind of relationship, patience would be in second line.
i always telling him how much i love him everyday and he's the only one for me. It's been hard for both parties cause we're always longing in touching each other, the hugs and kisses, i really miss it.
i want to be a part of his life, i want to be the one for him, though im so miles away from him.
i wanna give it a try, though we're been apart recently, we still wanna give it a try, i trust him that he will not look for someone else who will place my part in his heart. and he's doing everything to get near to me.
but im still hoping everything our plans will come true, im still afraid that out LDR will fail. but no matter what, its worth to try, if it doesn't work, i don't know yet what will happen to me, now im the one who leaved, still im worrying, because i really love him, yes, he is worried too.. always checked we have time to communicate everyday.. and it made me cry everyday because i couldn't hug him but still i remained faithful to him.

Unregistered

its me again
you have to put a lot of trust to the other parties, making sure everything is alright with your relationship..
you have to report everyday to other parties what's going on with your life, so you will not be stranger again when you met each other again and feel your with him/her every single of his/her life..
its not how long you've been into each other before you decided to be in a LDR, its how much you want to be in each other for a lifetime after of being separated from each other.
excuses of because im miss of being physically wih him and looking for someone to place that aspect, THAT'S A STUPID EXCUSE, dude!
its cheating and her love for her LDR BF is not as genuine as what true love is.
she's weak, very weak, and is same as cheating with your bf/gf who are not in LDR.
every kind of relationship needs a lot of hardwork, right!
in a LDR, there's negative and positive effects on both parties,

NEGATIVE: no physical contact, where you can comfort each other, when you need it.. and of course the "S" word, you know what i mean.

POSITIVE: while enjoying of being free while away from him/her, on him/her, its time to test:
1. how she/he can be loyal or faithful to you.
2. how long she/he can wait to be with you again.
3. what she/he can/could do just to be with you again, and will do anything just to be near with you again.
4. how she/he misses you while you're gone when she/he didn't show it before you departed
5. how she/he can be so jealous about other guys will start chasing you or paranoid about you that you will leave him broken hearted, this means that she/he still protecting you from aliens who will steal you from him, that you've never experienced that with her/him when you still in each other arms.

just making sure, both parties are secure that you kept the romance in the air though you're miles away.

third parties.. the other party is not guinely in love with his/her someone.. that he/she cant resist that temptation.. in case you are the one who only want is to play, avoid being in a LDR, because it will only hurt the other party, i mean the legal one.

and two-timing can happen to any kind of relationship.. wether pre- post marital relationship.. and that's not a good idea..
its a worst thing you could ever done to someone else especially if that someone else want a seriously fair relationship.

good thing i've found myself genuinely inlove with my LDR BF, and he is genuinely in love with me too, we have both perspective in life.. still hoping and will prove to those people who dont believe on us we couldn't go through till the end.

here's my word of life: You're the one who made your destiny.. especially when it comes to lovelife..

have a nice day!!!

Unregistered

it is strange how we get ourselves tangled in triangles - including me. from the very first move when i met her and knowing her status (married too), i was sure of my stand - not even a hint of doubt and i was not even remotely has any interest. then she wants to introduce me to her 'available' friend which i excused myself from getting on as i am not into strange setup. slowly, somehow our friendship edged closer consciously or otherwise. and now here i am, my heart captured and my mind is filled with her.

how is this possible? i was very sure of my stand from the very first time...but i have underestimated my own heart. was it something she gave me to eat? i do not know.

Unregistered

...and afterthought after my post above...if there is "sanctitiy before love" among us, we would not have to post and discuss issues like these, which have no answers, no matter how far you stretch it, pray and hope for.

"but the Angel of Truth is cast into the ground and buried, who would have believe it?"

Unregistered

hi there , after read all the lonngggg comments
i decided to put mine also

well i also have LDR for almost 1,5 years our relationship total is for 6 years

i already end it my LDR just recently.. but i'm also not put too much hope wih this the new one.
just let it flow, and let see how it goes.

i make the decision not because of the new one , but because its realy comes from my self that i don't think i see a future with my LDR

i already make my choices and i'm glad i already pass the very very bad situation in my life which is must lie and pretend for this few months with my LDR

now i'm happy
at least i make very clear of my self of what i want.
and i'm not regret it at all

and i jut put all my hope to GOD

GBU all^^

Unregistered

i think its a selfish act when one partner has an affair while pursuing his/her studies oversea. commitment is what a relationship is about. if that partner feels that he/she needs to fill in the void of physical emptiness, be fair, break off with the one at home.
one should not expect his/her partner to wait on him/her while they have abroad. but then again, who said life is fair.

kudos kenny! im loving your blog!

Unregistered

If you have failed once before, would you even want to try again?

I think the answer is pretty clear..

Unregistered

Long distance relationship is really really really hard to maintain. Why? Because we miss the physical contact. Even short distance but once a month dating is also hard to maintain. So the conclusion is, find a crush that is very easy to meet. =) Believe me.

Unregistered

In 1 Corinthians 13: 4 - 7 : "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres". If you follow the wisdom of these words to the letter, believe me, your relationship will last for a lifetime :D.

Unregistered

i'm in a LDR now too. Still standing strong. We started through online chatting and i meet him once back at hometown before we started the relationship. We knew it could be this hard when we first started but it's the commitment to one another that keep us strong. yes, u heard me. COMMITMENT is the key to LDR.

Unregistered

I'm one of LDR-er. Started it with the distance, celebrated Valentine Day in a distance, wishing each others Happy Birthday in a distance, and just had out first loving anniversary a week ago... and yes, in a distance too.

We do get to meet up once every 4 months for just a few days when I go back Malaysia on my home leave from work. What's more important, we are going more and more stable and strong everyday.

Important keywords for LDR...

Trust
Honesty
Understanding
Commitment
Anticipation
Communication
Appreciation
Patience
Care

The list can go on. We do get hurt and tears can't be avoided sometimes. But what matters most, keep our hearts for each other with lots of lots of endless love.

`CheeRZ~

Registered

I'm one of LDR-er. Started it with the distance, celebrated Valentine Day in a distance, wishing each others Happy Birthday in a distance, and just had out first loving anniversary a week ago... and yes, in a distance too.

We do get to meet up once every 4 months for just a few days when I go back Malaysia on my home leave from work. What's more important, we are going more and more stable and strong everyday.

Important keywords for LDR...

Trust
Honesty
Understanding
Commitment
Anticipation
Communication
Appreciation
Patience
Care

The list can go on. We do get hurt and tears can't be avoided sometimes. But what matters most, keep our hearts for each other with lots of lots of endless love.

`CheeRZ~

(Sorry for the double comment... maybe I took too long to post my previous comment.. Lolz :-p)

Unregistered

I'm in the same situation as the gul in d original post... Although i'm two timing... I dont lik it...

i started wit my bf ( A ) in LDR... so... The missing part wasnt the main prob... when i went into colledge i met a new guy ( B ).. i was interested in him but i dunno y... I love my bf but somthg attracts me to B.. After only a few months... B confessed to me.. After that... i had a fight wit my bf and we broke up.. but only awhile... he ask to make thgs up... i told him i love him but i dun wan any more relationship... cz i had started a relationship wit B... my bf doesnt knw about d guy and B tot i broke up wit my bf... I din wan to hurt my bf cz i knw he loves me alot too... but somehow... i lik B too...!!

Who do i really wan?? i don't knw... my family doesnt lik my bf much and liks B alot... i knew soon the time for me to choose will come... but for now... i really dont want to hurt any of them.. mayb someday... one of them will lose the love to me so i can choose better... i knw tat i am selfish... but i cant do anythg..

some liks to have many ppl likin them... but for me.. one is enuf... if there's two ppl loving u alot at the same time... it's surely not a good thg at all..

But trust me guys... LDR does work... I knew wat i did was wrong at the beginning... but mayb some of the failed LDR was experiencing the same thg.. It;s just tat u guys did not knw... If only one of the two will let go...

Good luck to all LDRs... Love ur blog kenny...

And i'm sorry... to my bf n B...

Unregistered

long distance love end up is bye bye.

Unregistered

LDR or not, two-timing thing can still happen.

Totally agree...if you want to start something, then end the other first..that's the rule.

Unregistered

this has nothing to do with being old fashioned. by doing that u are basically cheating on your boyfriend. whether its the guy from your church or some one in another country, its the same thing. i hope her boobs star sagging by the time she hits 30. bitch.

Unregistered

I've been having LDR for 8 years n counting. Alls well. It's possible.

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